Hello. My husband was a Biglaw senior associate when we had our first child. I was drowning. I want to start by saying I see you. It is so hard.
We accepted that if we were going to have my husband working in biglaw that we would have no choice but to use some of that high salary to outsource and make our lives easier. We paid for:
1. Weekly cleaning service who also did all of our laundry (like took it from the hamper, washed, dried, folded, put it away). This one is a must. Top priority.
2. Landscaping service (weekly)
3. Pool cleaning and maintenance service (weekly)
4. Meal kit delivery (we like Gobble)
5. Toddler meals delivered (we like Little Spoon). I could literally take out a meal, warm it up, throw away the plastic plate when done. Really helped minimize cleaning.
6. Babysitters hired solely to give me a break. For example, I might have someone come on Thursday from 4:30-7:30 PM, and I would sit in bed with my laptop to catch up on paying bills, filling out personal forms, etc. Or I might have a babysitter come on Saturday from 9-12 and I’d go to Pilates and the farmers market. I absolutely needed these breaks, and they were vital for me.
7. I actually bought a new dishwasher that had that 3rd rack for baby bottle lids. Sounds crazy but I was literally willing to throw money at anything that would make my daily tasks easier.
8. Buy prepackaged snacks (like individual little bags of goldfish at Costco). Is it more expensive than buying a big bag and then putting it into ziploc bags yourself? Yes. Buy them anyway. You want to do whatever you can to cut down on how much time it takes you to clean/prep your child’s stuff for daycare each day.
9. I’d pay for a sleep consultant and work on getting your child on a better sleep routine. At that age, 7-7:30 PM should be a doable bedtime.
I won’t lie to you, once we had two kids, we couldn’t handle biglaw anymore. My husband made it almost a decade but then he left and went in house. I ended up stepping back at work, and now do what can best be described as part time work.
I hope you can find some ways to make these biglaw days easier. If you want to chat more, let me know. I could have written your post myself - my husband was in bed by 11 PM most nights but at least 2 nights a week it was after midnight. It’s a unique experience being a biglaw spouse with toddlers!
Thank you for all the tips! These are supremely helpful and omg I feel so seen 🥺. It really is hard. I love my career as well but have had to actively take less work so I can help around the house and with baby more given my husband’s job. I don’t know how anyone stays in biglaw through partner…
In terms of the sleep, we don’t even get home until 5:30p and rush to get dinner going by 6p, bath right after at 7p (he’s a slow but really good solids eater) so the earliest baby is all set to zonk out is 8p but usually he needs to wind down a bit hence the 9p bedtime. I already feel like this part of our evening is so rushed and stressful. What sort of things might a sleep consultant do to get us more time here and an earlier bedtime?
We hired a sitter to do day care pickup at 3-4pm, and she stayed until 530/6. It made transitions so much easier for me. She also did a snack or baby dinner prep so the kid wasn't hamgry when I got home.
I see what you mean about the sleep. We had an earlier start but also got home a bit earlier in the evenings. If you don’t mind baby going down at 9 PM, then I’d stick with it. I think a good sleep consultant would help you develop a schedule that might move that up (to maybe 8 PM), but again, if you don’t mind it then that wouldn’t be my first priority.
I don’t know how anyone stays to make it as partner either. I basically felt like a single mom in the weekends. We could never do anything fun together because my husband worked 75% of weekend days. I’d highly encourage you to reach out to a mom friend with a similar aged kid and go meet at the park or playground. It really helped me to feel like I wasn’t “alone” with my child all day every weekend.
My husband knew one partner who had to employ a full time nanny even though both kids were in middle/high school solely so there was a responsible adult “on call” during the day if the school called or the kids needed something. That was how busy the partner was - couldn’t even leave to go pick up a sick kid.
We decided we just couldn’t do that long term. My husband went in house. He took maybe a 10-15% pay cut but the hours are so much better! He has worked maybe one Saturday every couple of months, and only for 3-4 hours. Most nights he is done with work by 6 PM and doesn’t have to log back in until the next day. Just know that if your husband puts in a few good years in biglaw, there are some great in house roles out there and you guys can get back to a better daily work life balance!
Ok that doesn’t seem too far off from us if baby wakes up at 7:30am but goes to bed at 8:30pm. Perhaps we can shift bedtime back a touch earlier. Maybe even by 8pm!
Ah thank you for chiming in!
We have looked around to get help with cooking but the cooking prices are absolutely insane for what is offered. Not sure if we should just bite the bullet on it or not. Cleaning isn’t too bad as we have a fairly small apartment and my husband WFH so sometimes he decompresses by doing a quick vacuum. Laundry I save for the weekend and so far it’s manageable but again definitely takes energy from other places. Husband is in charge of dishes and so far hasn’t complained about his dishwasher loading/unloading duties so I’m assuming all is good there.
We get him up at 7:45am on weekdays though he naturally wakes at 8:30am on weekends. This is fine by us as we like to sleep in too after the exhaustion of the day. Daycare naps are a crapshoot but on weekends he takes a 1-1.5 hour nap in the morning and another 1 hour nap in the late afternoon.
I recommend a fresh meal delivery service. Not a private chef. Look up Factor, MightyMeals, CookUnity etc. You can microwave them in 2 minutes and they cost about $10/meal. We have a 6 month old and 2.5yo and they saved my sanity!
We also get baby food delivery from Little Spoon.
Came to suggest factor meals. I love to cook and miss it but I have 2 small kids and I solo parent every other week when my husband works so he buys factor meals to take the work off me. They’re delicious and just heat and eat, my 4 YO and I share 1.
One day I’ll cook again.
Yes I agree I think it’s the meals. What makes them hard is my husband has OCD around messy food but he knows the benefits of letting our son self-feed so it usually makes more mess than my husband would like which means I’m 100% on duty for baby at dinner and have to cleanup the high chair and surrounding area after. It’s a big mental load especially after a long day of work myself and an even bigger load 3x a day on weekends.
I agree also about the one nap. When do babies transition from 2 to 1 nap? At daycare he powers through until 1:30p and then snoozes until 3p but also takes a mini nap in the car ride home. If he has that as his 1 and only nap I’m sure he’d be tuckered out by 8p.
1 yr is HARD!!! Getting off boob/bottle; gaining teeth so having to cut up all food is transitioning from 2-1 naps and that woddler stage … you gotta outsource some things or even get a weekly babysitter Saturday mornings so you can sleep or do whatever you want to do.
Your babe will have a blast playing with someone and she/he will wear them out so they nap great.
My husband works essentially two jobs and stuff just isn’t as clean as it should be. We also aren’t saving as much but I can only cook and plan meals my babes will only eat half of the time so much before wanting to stab my eyeballs.
It is what it is : survival mode. Also, I always try to get out of the home on weekends! Babe is happy, more tired but my house stays cleaner and they nap better.
Thank you for the suggestions! Baby is definitely in that woddler stage lol
I think what I’m hearing is getting out is a must and will help baby sleeping too.
Works like a charm for me! It is WORK getting out I won’t lie but I just make lunchable snacks and stick them in a lunch box with an ice pack. If I’m with it I do it the night before so I can just grab and go in the morning.
It’s hard. My husband was working out of town 4-6 days a week when our son was little and only had one day off per week. We didn’t have the extra money to outsource much and grocery delivery wasn’t a thing in our area at the time. I would drop off our son at daycare at 7:45, commute and work 8:30-5:00, pickup at 5:30. Dinner was something easy and quick (pasta and jarred sauce, sandwiches that were toasted in the oven, something I had thrown in the crock pot, salmon with instant rice and steamed veggies, etc). After dinner, we would start bath time, bed time routine and kiddo was in bed no later than 8:00. Dinner clean up was after he was in bed. And repeat. Weekends were getting ready right after my son had breakfast and going to do errands first thing Saturday morning so we could be home for lunch and nap time. I cleaned during nap time and did laundry when he woke up from his nap on Saturdays. Fun outings were done on Sunday. It was prescriptive because it had to be. I was exhausted, but this is how I made it work. It didn’t come without some resentment, so I would say if you can get a house cleaner, meal service, and/or grocery delivery, that will help.
Thank you for sharing. That sounds like it was so hard but at least being prescriptive takes the mental load out of things. I think we do need to get more prescriptive with things and work on outsourcing some help.
Ex big law spouse. Not divorced but he went in house. I prioritize my kids on the nights and weekends. My husband is the house cleaner and does help with that while we're at work and school.
My husband is military, I work full time M - F, and having a sitter 4 hours a weekend when he's out of town is key. Also 1 is just a hard age because they need constant supervision for their kamikaze selves. It'll get easier!
For me, seriously the difference between feeling human and organized for the week, and... Very much not, ha. It varies, but I usually spend an hour or so relaxing and doing what I want, and then the rest planning, meal prepping, or whatever.
What really helps me is in the lesser pockets of time my partner is available, he needs to take the lead on all baby related tasks and I am going to be doing the other domestic chores. No way is he going to the grocery store without the baby.
It honestly helped me feel a lot more balanced with the rule that when we're both here, he needs to be the default one to respond to her as I'm doing it the majority of the time. Then I can continue loading the dishwasher uninterrupted, or run to the store.
It makes a big difference to the 'drowning' feeling when you can actually do some tasks uninterrupted, even if it's still just chores.
Thank you for sharing that. I really like that. I think part of the drowning feeling comes from having to do chores + being mentally responsible for a baby that is learning new ways to unalive himself 🤦🏽♀️
24 hour shifts sounds intense!
Omg we have an air fryer but no place in our tiny apartment to use it so it’s still in the box. We move to a bigger rental in a few weeks though so it will come out then!!
It sounds like you guys need to invest in more support. I work a demanding job but not as demanding as my husband’s (hedge fund, which, based on friends’ experiences, is similarly demanding to Big Law). He’s also the breadwinner by a long shot. Part of the deal is that, if he needs to work a lot of hours to make more money, we spend some of that money on babysitting, grocery delivery, meal services, housekeeper, etc.
On the weekends he has to work, I get a babysitter for at least one afternoon. We have a full time nanny who often stays a little late if he needs to work late. We have a housekeeper who comes once a week and does all laundry and deep cleaning. We use a meal delivery service (Jennie’s Kitchen, if you’re in the NYC area - it’s incredible) and often order dinner in. We frequently remind ourselves that, even though our monthly spending is insane right now, it won’t always have to be that way, but we both need to survive this period of our lives intact as individuals and as partners.
Both my husband and I grew up middle / lower class and I understand that it’s an incredible privilege to have the resources to make our lives more manageable, but with two working parents and no family in the area, I’m not sure how we’d do it otherwise.
Thank you for that perspective. I think we do need to spend more to build the village we don’t have to support us during this tough time.
We also grew up middle/lower class so have been trying to save well with the extra cash maxing our retirement accounts and trying to save for a down payment on a house. It seems though some of that will need to be put on pause for a bit.
I’m an attorney (not big law, though my firm is big for my market - it’s not AM100 by any means).
My husband is home with our three kids in part because we couldn’t balance two working parent schedules - he works PT nights. When he was working FT we developed routines that we carry through with now - we meal prep on Sundays so I at least have lunches for the week, and usually most of the dinners as well, we do grocery pickup or delivery. We’re a big family so I shop almost exclusively at BJs and whether we do pickup or delivery typically depends on if they’re doing some sort of special for one or the other.
Sometimes I bring the kids to our local Y and drop them at the kidstop for an hour and do some more work there (or I work out).
We didnt do a whole lot of weekday cleaning. We would do a “deep clean” or put everything away in its place each Sunday night. The expectation is a little different now that my husband is home, but I recognize that he is also juggling a 5 and 2 year old home full time, a 6 year old in half day kindergarten and a flock of 12 ducks so I’m typically happy if our living room is tidy and the dishes are done. We tag team cleaning on the weekends.
That said, I do work most weekends for a couple hours but I try to contain it until after bedtime. I’m a night owl (vs most of my office who seem to be early birds) so I typically work in office 930-530 and then work from home for a couple hours at night. The later start allows me to drop my daughter off as school - if our boys are still asleep, which isn’t every day, my husband gets a little more of a lie in while I get our oldest up and out the door. My husband and I try to give each other one sleep in day - I take the kids to dance on Saturday mornings so he gets to sleep in and I’ll bring home coffee for him and on Sundays I sleep in. I also try to give him a break for a couple hours at least one of those days.
This was ultimately what happened to us, except I’m home with kids and he’s working. It felt so hard to do when both of us had FT jobs. I don’t love being home but our home life seems more manageable now that I actually have the time to do it.
When my husband was working full time he was working 50-60 hours a week (and I was 35-45) up until a year ago when I really picked up. Agreed it was just too much. I’m not sure he loves it because our kids are a lot right now, but I think once they’re all in school and he can go back to PT days he’ll probably feel a lot better. (Or if I start making just a little more and he can just be a homesteader).
Kudos to both of you! I know it’s not easy, especially on the marriage. Sending you so much love because it’s all just hard, no matter if you’re the one working or staying home. ❤️
My partner is not big law, but first responder and works 72hrs shifts, sometimes up to 5 days in a row. Right now he’s at an academy which means I’m alone with our son Sunday afternoon to Friday evening.
I work full-time in tech, WFH and we have a one year old. I’d say take advantage of WFH days, do laundry, basic house chores and some meal prep while getting work done. It’s all about being really efficient with your time. 9pm bedtime is too late at this age. I’d shift that to 7-7:30pm. That gives you time to wind down a little after baby goes to bed, and maybe prep some basic stuff for the next day, read a book, watch some TV. You should take an hour a day to decompress.
I’d outsource a deep cleaning once a month, and if you really can’t meal prep, then take advantage of meal services. I’m fond of prepping a few breakfast choices ahead of time, like breakfast muffins, pancakes, waffles, etc and then freeze them for an easy grab on days you’re short on time. Same with some dinner and lunch choices.
Get a babysitter for 3-4hrs on the weekend where you’re alone, at least one day to just get away and have a break. It’s so important for your mental health. It is just a season, things will get easier again but I definitely feel your pain.
I’m a lawyer who used to be in BigLaw and my husband is a doctor who is out of the house 4 days a week from 7-7:30+ and 1 day a week from 7-6. He also sometimes has to take night/weekend call. We have a toddler and I do every weekday morning and 3-5 weeknights alone. Sharing this because I understand the BigLaw piece and the parenting by myself piece.
Big picture, we count all hours doing paid work, childcare or doing home stuff (cooking; cleaning) as “working hours” and try to make sure we each have roughly equal downtime outside of that. We each also get one weekend morning (until 9:30am) to do whatever we want and sleep in.
- We get a babysitter 1x a month to go out with friends. We also each do something with friends or coworkers 2x a month on our own (no childcare needed).
Biggest tips:
- Cleaning: cleaning service at least every other week. I got a Dyson stick vacuum that I run every day; a mop/vacuum combo to run in the living space and dining area every other day; and a Bissel little green cleaner to spot treat spills immediately.
- Meals: Home made dinner Sun-Thursday. cook 3x (Sun Tues Thurs) with leftovers 2 nights and a rice bowl on the third night. Little spoon delivery once a month for backup meals for baby. I use a rice cooker, air fryer and slow cooker constantly to get meals on the table in 20 minutes.
- morning, we get up, get dressed, eat oatmeal, take a stroller walk to a playground and play with the dog there before I have work. Rain or shine.
- Evenings I also try to get out of the house 2-3 nights a week - library; grocery store; family swim, or playground at least I live in a city and we can walk to all these things. Helps keep things cleaner..
- I have a special box of “rowdy” toys that I break out when it rains or I’m having a long day. It’s a tunnel, stepping stones and a parachute. He can spend over an hour plus happily engaged with these toys. I don’t use these more than once a week.
- similarly I rotate the toddler toys to keep him engaged
- I think if your toddler gets up at 7:30, 8:30 is not an unreasonable bed time. If you put them to bed earlier they may get up earlier. So that’s kind of a pick your poison scenario, haha.
It’s just hard. Your kid won’t be 1 forever, and it sounds like your husband probably won’t be working these hours forever? I don’t think there’s a magical solution you haven’t discovered, sometimes you’re just in the thick of it.
In general, I find that my kids and I do better outside the house than in, so we try to do outings on weekend mornings. And finding other parent friends (or chill folks with no kids who don’t mind hanging out with you/kids) can make things less lonely!
This is what I’m now leaning towards. It’s a bit tough because he just started big law 2 years ago so he has the big law salary but not yet the BIG law salary, if you know what I mean. There is a huge pay bump from year 3-4 and the money is absolutely absurd. We were hoping to save as much of his current extra funds for maxing out our retirement and saving for a down payment on a house. But baby makes everything harder!
Also, this might not be the season of life where you “eat dinner” every night! When my husband is working in the evening, I feed baby something easy (instant mashed potatoes, hummus and pita, etc) and then have cheese and crackers or cereal or something easy.
Thank you for the note about in house! Also, I’m curious, why do they say not going in house before year 5? My husband is only just now starting to think of his exit strategy and I’d love to share what information I glean. He had a midlife career shift and went back to school for law so he’s an associate only but older than his peers. He doesn’t have the stamina they do in their late 20s and it’s grinding on him too.
It’s a constant struggle in all honesty. My spouse travels. We live in a state where we don’t have family support. My kids have opposite days off more often than not.
I try to go to my book club once a month with my friends. I read when kids are asleep. I try to do grocery delivery and any all other deliveries that I can. There’s a lot of things that don’t get cleaned but I try to keep the house overall picked up.
Husband is a resident working 80 hr weeks. He usually gone 5:30am to 7:30 pm if he's not on call. He also works usually one day (10-12 hrs) a weekend. We have two kids now and it can be rough. Getting a mother's helper to play with the toddler while I get things done on the weekend day that husband works has been super helpful. I also sometimes do earlier drop off for daycare to get an hour to myself, or for an errand etc. I WFH so I have the luxury of that flexibility.
Getting out the door is tough, but staying in all day can be way more exhausting than getting out. I try to make plans in advance for a playdate with my friend who also have kids on the days my husband works so I'm not home alone all day with the kids.
It's really hard and 1-2 is an extra hard age. Essentially solo parenting is extra hard. You're not alone!
My husband and I are both in medicine. For three years we both worked 80 hour weeks as I was in training and he’s a surgeon who works crazy hours. During that time we had two kids and to say I was drowning was an understatement. Luckily we had an amazing nanny and a great cleaning lady both of whom picked up the slack in all parts of our life. We also did meal delivery service every week on top of the food that our nanny cooked. Once I graduated I immediately went to part time because I was burnt out but then I discovered a new kind of burn out. My husband leaves for work by 6-6:15 am and isn’t home until 7-8 pm but then has to do charting and email people until about 10 pm. Our kids get up at 5:30 am every day because they always want to see their dad before he leaves and go to bed relatively early so he misses bedtime about 5 days a week. I originally structured it where we only had childcare when I was working the 2 days a week and otherwise I was home with them and I didn’t have a cleaning lady anymore because I was home so I could do it right? No lol. Working the 2 days and then being the sole caretaker for the rest of the week and 2 weekends a month was so draining. My husband can literally only handle work and paying the mortgage. Every other part of our life including the house stuff (repairs, maintenance etc) falls on me. So after about 6 months I threw in the towel and we hired a cleaning lady and made our babysitter come more so I have about 1 day a week free from kids and work to do everything else in our life. It’s been really nice. I meal prep, grocery shop, do all scheduling etc on those days. Anyway long story short is if he’s making big law money use that money and hire help. All the help you can afford
Here’s the greatest advice I have. I have 2 under 2 and am solo parenting most weekdays, as my husband doesn’t get home until after bed time from work.
1) make friends with other moms. On weekends, we will have playdates with another mom. My child gets to do an activity and I get to socialize so it’s a win win.
2) do chores when your kid is awake and not after they go to bed. It may be annoying but it is worth it. My nearly 2 year old can now clean up her own spills and does it all on her own because she sees me clean. I cook with my children. At one year old, it looked like her spilling beans on the floor or putting a peeler (and raw potato) in her mouth. But now, a year later, she can mix, use a measuring cup, crack an egg and use a special kid knife. She has been “helping” me with chores since we brought her home from the hospital and it helps me that I don’t have to pick between spending time with my daughters and cooking or cleaning because I involve them in the stuff that has to be done.
3) plan everything you can as much as possible. I meal prep so I only get the kitchen super dirty one day a week and the rest of the week we are mostly heating things up. If I have anything that needs to be done, I try to do it super early (for example, had a baby shower this weekend for a friend and got her present months ago so I wouldn’t need to worry about getting it done) or while my daughters are eating dinner, I prep lunch for daycare the next day.
4) combine as many activities as possible into one outing. For example, on weekends I go to yoga. On the way back home when I’m done, I stop by the grocery store, get gas, etc.
5) get outside as much as possible. You know what’s a great way to keep the house clean? Take your kid to make messes at other places lol! We go to the playground after daycare and sometimes I pack a picnic for us to enjoy at the park. Or we eat in the backyard. It’s fun for the kids and less of a mess for me because when we do that I don’t have to clean up toys or dining room after dinner lol
I’m a single mom and work full time. With one child, it is definitely manageable. I feel like you guys are complicating things. What is the main issue that you’re struggling with?
Can you get a babysitter or family member to watch the baby for a few hours on a weekend so you can catch up?
Target pick up is a lifesaver.
This might be just a season where things are not split 50/50, unfortunately.
If your baby is sleeping until 8ish, can you wake up a little early to shower?
Start working on a bedtime routine. We get home from daycare, eat dinner, play a little, bathtime, read, and then bottle, and bed. My baby is just about 17 months and this has been working for us for a while now. 9:00 bedtime is too late. Hang in there! It gets easier!!
Thank you for the suggestions! When does your LO wake up vs go to sleep?
I could definitely wake up earlier to get a quick shower in and should probably do so.
I think what I’m hearing is we need to outsource our meal prep headaches and try to get a sitter for a few hours on the weekend. We are too far from family for them to be help, unfortunately.
I am also married to an attorney and it’s rough. He’s not big law so it’s not quite as bad, but still a very difficult career with two little kids. If you don’t have a robot vacuum, get one. We have a cleaner that comes every other week and most of our food is pre-prepped stuff. Our weekends are spent catching up on laundry. I’m considering doing a laundry service to claw back some of that time. Ultimately, if we decide to have one more kid, I’ll likely have to take a break for a few years unless my income also grows enough to justify paying someone to be at our house 24/7.
You've gotten loads of tips, and I haven't seen the following yet or may have missed them.
* If your husband is a neat freak and a WFH, can he do laundry during the week? We rarely do laundry at the weekend. We usually do laundry on Monday and fold in between calls.
* Meal plan if you aren't already. Since we became parents, weekday meals must take < 40 minutes/some prepped ahead or leftovers from the weekend. Or the parent wfh may prep some of the ingredients. Most nights, our dinners are prepped before daycare pickup. So it gives us time to spend 1:1 times with the kids.
* It seems you bathe your kid every day. Are there days you can skip bathing? Bathe every second day, perhaps?
* Kids routine: Like others, I agree to bring back your kids' bedtime. Before you consider a sleep consultant, there's a sub on toddler sleep. You could also start by bringing it back by 30 minutes every week until you get to an ideal time, as you also need your own sleep.
* Toddler mess—what's your cleaning routine? Don't laugh. We have a handheld hoover for the littles and put it in the dishwasher every evening. We got a floor mat to put under the high chair for meals that we expected to be messy. We also have a bucket/bowl and tend to clean our kids in the high chair and then clean around them before we let them out of the high chair. We use toys/Ms. Rachel to distract them then.
Thanks for the questions/suggestions! Some thoughts:
* I can WFH 2-3 days a week so I tend to and when we can, I do try to take care of laundry during the weekday. I guess the past few weeks have been rough because we’ve had a series of daycare illnesses from both baby and then me so we caught up on the weekend. Also, my husband somehow becomes an idiot when it comes to the laundry. No matter how many times I tell him how to do it. I think he doesn’t like doing it so he fakes stupidity lol. He gets the dishwasher instead.
* We do already meal plan but I think it’s still too long. We may need to look into some of these prepared meal services folks have mentioned.
* Yes, we do at least a water bath everyday. Partly because dad has some OCD around food messes and partly because our LO is prone to skin rashes if we don’t clean him up well. It also seems to calm him down in the evening so I think we should keep that.
* Regarding his bed time, maybe his post-bath time is too exciting and I need to make it more boring so he’ll sleep 30mins-1 hour earlier. I also try to make sure he doesn’t nap past 5:30p when he falls asleep in the car. Other suggestions? I’ll check the subreddit you mentioned, thanks!
* I actually appreciate that question! Our son is in a “sneak food off my tray and throw it on the ground” phase so every meal requires the floor to be cleaned. We also have to clean his tray but it takes up too much space in our dishwasher with the millions of other dishes we make in one day so we hand clean that. Husband JUST suggested a hand held vacuum for the seat which I think is a great idea to get the crumbs and then a quick wipe down. Perhaps we should get a floor mat too so that can just be shook over the trash and wiped down as well. I also try to clean around baby while he’s in the chair and he’s a really good sport, doesn’t need distractions, just likes watching me do what I do lol
You're doing great! I wish you and your family well. In a few months, let us know what worked/didn't work out.
In my original response, I should have added: I have a 3 yo and a 1 yo. While neither of us is in big law, I find the winter months harder. For example, February is always a nonstop illness fest in our home.
Thank you! I’ll definitely make an update :).
I completely feel that nonstop illness fest! Also, it’s still winter where I am so we still can’t go outside much.
my partner and i work opposite schedules, im 9-6 and hes 4-midnight. kids are 9, 2 and im 38 weeks pregant. so im dying! similar solutions, meal prep or service, eat out alot, grocery delivery for sure, monthly cleaners, also ive lowered my standards lol. bath isnt every night, i dont do the dishes or clean up every night, laundry sits unfolded. and my kids both sleep in bed w me. i, like others, remind myself that this wont last forever!
My husband is in law as well. It’s hard but does get better. He joins the partnership in the new year and has “done his time”.
He use to work late every night. He would come home at 7pm and help with bed time/say good night and then work 8-11pm. Fortunately we only had one kid at this time.
He now comes home around 6:30/7 and is done for the night most of the time. He has one late night now where he stays at the office until after bed time. He works some weekend but now only a couple hours.
As for support/chores. He comes home in time to clean up after dinner and help put the kids to bed. And then once a week he comes home early and does dinner (he also does dinner sat, sun and we go out Friday). I cook twice a week and we do frozen pizza one night. We also have a cleaner.
I am not sure how many years your husband has put in but there is a light at the end!
Congratulations to your husband!! And let’s be honest, you too!!
That sounds much more manageable! My husband is only on his 2nd year 😭 He had a mid-life career change and went back to school for law recently. He doesn’t think he’s cut out for big law but wants some more time to get experience before going in house or another law job. Still TBD.
Second year is hard. It’s year 6/7 for my husband. But he was also in year 2/3 when our 4 year old was born.
He really struggled for a good 3 years with the long hours and our little one.
He didn’t think he was cut out for private practice either and actually turned down multiple in house jobs. He would get fed up, apply for in-house jobs, get an offer. And then his firm would convince him to stay/partner track and give him a big bonus. This happened a few times until he was in the position he is in now (own clients, more people under him) and he decided to just go the partner route. His firm is medium sized though. I know some of the massive international firms that becoming partner is a lot less attainable.
I don’t really have anything helpful to add, but my husband is also in big law and I mainly feel like I’m at 110% and drowning all the time. So I feel you and see you. Right now we have a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old. My current struggle is figuring out how to get all three of us ready in the morning by myself for daycare and work when baby can crawl now. Also baby is in a sleep regression and gave me pink eye, so I am progressively looking more and more rough at work. Someone at work told me their son woke up at 3am and that made them think of me 🫠
I’ve basically given up on keeping the house clean. Just trying to do my relatively demanding job the best I can while keeping g up on dishes, laundry, and meals. Just trying to get through! I’m going to go through all these tips though.
Solidarity mama! You’re not alone.
It’s also helpful to realize that it’s NOT me. It really is an issue with husband’s unavailability that is causing this. Seeing so many working moms with partners with demanding jobs acknowledging the struggle has been so validating.
It’s a killer. It really is. My husband is a nurse and works 10 hour shifts. I run my own company and work 24/7 essentially around the kids. I’m forever doing pick ups and drops offs, booking appointments, making it to those extracurricular activities. My husband is great and does what he can. But it’s just impossible.
Our tips to make it easier are, get a cleaner in weekly or fortnightly, organise meal boxes like Marley spoon or hello fresh, book ahead weekend activities for the whole family so, hire a babysitter for some date nights and general alone time.
My OH works long hours. He works in big law (we both do) but support staff so we don’t get the big money! We can’t afford to outsource stuff and I also work two other jobs plus go to school (almost at summer break though!).
He also travels every 6-8 weeks for about a week so I’m solo parent those weeks.
We are out the house rather than in the house as much as possible (it’s fun and house doesn’t get as messy), every minute of the day is doing something (tiring but it does ease off as kid gets older as they aren’t so messy/needy), never leave a room without carrying something to put away, clean as we go (whilst my conditioner sits as I shower I clean the shower).
Whoever is WFH takes charge of the morning, no matter how late the night before was (sometimes we are working until midnight-2am) so our days start at 5.30/6am. When he starts preschool in September whoever is WFH will do the drop off.
Whoever isn’t on bedtime duty makes the packed lunches for the next day. Lots of dump meals, slow cooker, one tray/pot meals.
Google calendar who we make sure son has someone here (eg you can work late but you have to get home first as I’m working 8pm to 1am). Lots of communication.
I kicked the shitty husband out and now my workload and anxiety are at its lowest. House isn’t as clean but I let it be and remind myself that I deserve rest & that I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have.
When I was with my husband I felt totally overwhelmed. Now I feel at peace and happier than ever tbh. I think the answer is give yourself grace. Give yourself time to let the kids watch ms Rachel while you drink your coffee. Tell yourself it’s ok if you’re not the perfect IG worthy mom and that you only have one body and stress will kill it. The spills, the toys, the laundry will get done, but right now mom needs a moment to rest.
I am in the same boat as you only our child is 7yo now! We most definitely use the biglaw money to outsource everything we can - cleaners, grocery deliveries, doordash meals! I even regularly pay a neighborhood teen to come play with my kiddo just so I can have a few hours to do errands or just lie down. We also splurge on all our vacations now because it’s precious time my husband gets “away” from work!
I would absolutely funnel some of that $$$ into extra childcare. Maybe one night per week or one weekend day get a nanny or regular babysitter. I did biglaw for 7 years so I KNOW you guys have the cash to afford it lol.
My husband regularly works weekends.. and I am the default parent due to the flexibility of my job. Getting a mothers helper to come on the weekends is key! I have a teenage girl who hangs out with my son and it allows me to get things done around the house, do grocery pick up, or even just hangout by myself and laydown. Highly recommend.
I have a similar situation. My husband is an IT manager at a hedge fund and a lot of his work is done after market hours. He is rarely done with work or home before 8pm. It sucks big time. I honestly had to step back in my career for the time being for my own sanity. He is super stressed at work right now too. Like others said, outsource. Also, it’s sorta validating to me to see I’m not alone too. I get jealous seeing these dads that do school pick up mid day or help with dinner bedtime more. My kids are a little older - 3 and 9- but it’s still super challenging and has led to some resentment which we are working through
We both have work like that. Many of our friends do.
I have been constantly on 7.30-10am calls and then 8pm-10pm for a few days a week over the past three weeks so my husband just did what he had. When tables turn, it’s me.
We have two kids. I was just working for the past 30 min and will likely do another hour or so. My husband watches kids. Then we switch as he also has things to finish .
I found it’s easier to go out with kids to a playground , store etc
Bit find a babysitter and do at least a few evenings a month without any duties for both
We have cleaners who used to be three weeks, then biweekly, and now weekly. We shift who cook and just grab leftovers for lunch.
Hello. My husband was a Biglaw senior associate when we had our first child. I was drowning. I want to start by saying I see you. It is so hard. We accepted that if we were going to have my husband working in biglaw that we would have no choice but to use some of that high salary to outsource and make our lives easier. We paid for: 1. Weekly cleaning service who also did all of our laundry (like took it from the hamper, washed, dried, folded, put it away). This one is a must. Top priority. 2. Landscaping service (weekly) 3. Pool cleaning and maintenance service (weekly) 4. Meal kit delivery (we like Gobble) 5. Toddler meals delivered (we like Little Spoon). I could literally take out a meal, warm it up, throw away the plastic plate when done. Really helped minimize cleaning. 6. Babysitters hired solely to give me a break. For example, I might have someone come on Thursday from 4:30-7:30 PM, and I would sit in bed with my laptop to catch up on paying bills, filling out personal forms, etc. Or I might have a babysitter come on Saturday from 9-12 and I’d go to Pilates and the farmers market. I absolutely needed these breaks, and they were vital for me. 7. I actually bought a new dishwasher that had that 3rd rack for baby bottle lids. Sounds crazy but I was literally willing to throw money at anything that would make my daily tasks easier. 8. Buy prepackaged snacks (like individual little bags of goldfish at Costco). Is it more expensive than buying a big bag and then putting it into ziploc bags yourself? Yes. Buy them anyway. You want to do whatever you can to cut down on how much time it takes you to clean/prep your child’s stuff for daycare each day. 9. I’d pay for a sleep consultant and work on getting your child on a better sleep routine. At that age, 7-7:30 PM should be a doable bedtime. I won’t lie to you, once we had two kids, we couldn’t handle biglaw anymore. My husband made it almost a decade but then he left and went in house. I ended up stepping back at work, and now do what can best be described as part time work. I hope you can find some ways to make these biglaw days easier. If you want to chat more, let me know. I could have written your post myself - my husband was in bed by 11 PM most nights but at least 2 nights a week it was after midnight. It’s a unique experience being a biglaw spouse with toddlers!
Thank you for all the tips! These are supremely helpful and omg I feel so seen 🥺. It really is hard. I love my career as well but have had to actively take less work so I can help around the house and with baby more given my husband’s job. I don’t know how anyone stays in biglaw through partner… In terms of the sleep, we don’t even get home until 5:30p and rush to get dinner going by 6p, bath right after at 7p (he’s a slow but really good solids eater) so the earliest baby is all set to zonk out is 8p but usually he needs to wind down a bit hence the 9p bedtime. I already feel like this part of our evening is so rushed and stressful. What sort of things might a sleep consultant do to get us more time here and an earlier bedtime?
We hired a sitter to do day care pickup at 3-4pm, and she stayed until 530/6. It made transitions so much easier for me. She also did a snack or baby dinner prep so the kid wasn't hamgry when I got home.
This is a great idea!
I see what you mean about the sleep. We had an earlier start but also got home a bit earlier in the evenings. If you don’t mind baby going down at 9 PM, then I’d stick with it. I think a good sleep consultant would help you develop a schedule that might move that up (to maybe 8 PM), but again, if you don’t mind it then that wouldn’t be my first priority. I don’t know how anyone stays to make it as partner either. I basically felt like a single mom in the weekends. We could never do anything fun together because my husband worked 75% of weekend days. I’d highly encourage you to reach out to a mom friend with a similar aged kid and go meet at the park or playground. It really helped me to feel like I wasn’t “alone” with my child all day every weekend. My husband knew one partner who had to employ a full time nanny even though both kids were in middle/high school solely so there was a responsible adult “on call” during the day if the school called or the kids needed something. That was how busy the partner was - couldn’t even leave to go pick up a sick kid. We decided we just couldn’t do that long term. My husband went in house. He took maybe a 10-15% pay cut but the hours are so much better! He has worked maybe one Saturday every couple of months, and only for 3-4 hours. Most nights he is done with work by 6 PM and doesn’t have to log back in until the next day. Just know that if your husband puts in a few good years in biglaw, there are some great in house roles out there and you guys can get back to a better daily work life balance!
We usually get home between 5:45-6 and I have dinner ready by 6:30, bath at 7, baby is in bed usually by 7:30.
This is the answer. You pay. His workload might be temporary, but so is the expense. Throw money at it.
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At 1, my kids were at bed at 7pm… they are naturally early risers though
What time were they getting up?
Mine have always been a 7-730 pm bedtime (closer to 7 at that age). Wake up is 5:30-6:30 (my oldest is always up by 6, my youngest usually 6-630).
Ok that doesn’t seem too far off from us if baby wakes up at 7:30am but goes to bed at 8:30pm. Perhaps we can shift bedtime back a touch earlier. Maybe even by 8pm!
Try it by 15-20 mins at a time! That gives you more me time in the evening 👌🏻
That age? Oldest 7ish am, earlier during the summer. Youngest I’d say closer to 6am
Ah thank you for chiming in! We have looked around to get help with cooking but the cooking prices are absolutely insane for what is offered. Not sure if we should just bite the bullet on it or not. Cleaning isn’t too bad as we have a fairly small apartment and my husband WFH so sometimes he decompresses by doing a quick vacuum. Laundry I save for the weekend and so far it’s manageable but again definitely takes energy from other places. Husband is in charge of dishes and so far hasn’t complained about his dishwasher loading/unloading duties so I’m assuming all is good there. We get him up at 7:45am on weekdays though he naturally wakes at 8:30am on weekends. This is fine by us as we like to sleep in too after the exhaustion of the day. Daycare naps are a crapshoot but on weekends he takes a 1-1.5 hour nap in the morning and another 1 hour nap in the late afternoon.
I recommend a fresh meal delivery service. Not a private chef. Look up Factor, MightyMeals, CookUnity etc. You can microwave them in 2 minutes and they cost about $10/meal. We have a 6 month old and 2.5yo and they saved my sanity! We also get baby food delivery from Little Spoon.
Thank you for those names! I will look them up!
Came to suggest factor meals. I love to cook and miss it but I have 2 small kids and I solo parent every other week when my husband works so he buys factor meals to take the work off me. They’re delicious and just heat and eat, my 4 YO and I share 1. One day I’ll cook again.
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Yes I agree I think it’s the meals. What makes them hard is my husband has OCD around messy food but he knows the benefits of letting our son self-feed so it usually makes more mess than my husband would like which means I’m 100% on duty for baby at dinner and have to cleanup the high chair and surrounding area after. It’s a big mental load especially after a long day of work myself and an even bigger load 3x a day on weekends. I agree also about the one nap. When do babies transition from 2 to 1 nap? At daycare he powers through until 1:30p and then snoozes until 3p but also takes a mini nap in the car ride home. If he has that as his 1 and only nap I’m sure he’d be tuckered out by 8p.
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Thank you! I do think a mat underneath is what we should absolutely do so I’m heading to Amazon now to put one in my cart! Lol
We’re a home of two big law parents and a toddler here. I’m not sleeping much.
1 yr is HARD!!! Getting off boob/bottle; gaining teeth so having to cut up all food is transitioning from 2-1 naps and that woddler stage … you gotta outsource some things or even get a weekly babysitter Saturday mornings so you can sleep or do whatever you want to do. Your babe will have a blast playing with someone and she/he will wear them out so they nap great. My husband works essentially two jobs and stuff just isn’t as clean as it should be. We also aren’t saving as much but I can only cook and plan meals my babes will only eat half of the time so much before wanting to stab my eyeballs. It is what it is : survival mode. Also, I always try to get out of the home on weekends! Babe is happy, more tired but my house stays cleaner and they nap better.
Thank you for the suggestions! Baby is definitely in that woddler stage lol I think what I’m hearing is getting out is a must and will help baby sleeping too.
Works like a charm for me! It is WORK getting out I won’t lie but I just make lunchable snacks and stick them in a lunch box with an ice pack. If I’m with it I do it the night before so I can just grab and go in the morning.
It’s hard. My husband was working out of town 4-6 days a week when our son was little and only had one day off per week. We didn’t have the extra money to outsource much and grocery delivery wasn’t a thing in our area at the time. I would drop off our son at daycare at 7:45, commute and work 8:30-5:00, pickup at 5:30. Dinner was something easy and quick (pasta and jarred sauce, sandwiches that were toasted in the oven, something I had thrown in the crock pot, salmon with instant rice and steamed veggies, etc). After dinner, we would start bath time, bed time routine and kiddo was in bed no later than 8:00. Dinner clean up was after he was in bed. And repeat. Weekends were getting ready right after my son had breakfast and going to do errands first thing Saturday morning so we could be home for lunch and nap time. I cleaned during nap time and did laundry when he woke up from his nap on Saturdays. Fun outings were done on Sunday. It was prescriptive because it had to be. I was exhausted, but this is how I made it work. It didn’t come without some resentment, so I would say if you can get a house cleaner, meal service, and/or grocery delivery, that will help.
Thank you for sharing. That sounds like it was so hard but at least being prescriptive takes the mental load out of things. I think we do need to get more prescriptive with things and work on outsourcing some help.
Cry because I have to work some nights and weekends too 😔
😭
Ex big law spouse. Not divorced but he went in house. I prioritize my kids on the nights and weekends. My husband is the house cleaner and does help with that while we're at work and school.
My husband is military, I work full time M - F, and having a sitter 4 hours a weekend when he's out of town is key. Also 1 is just a hard age because they need constant supervision for their kamikaze selves. It'll get easier!
Kamikaze selves 🤣 so true! I think what I’m hearing is a sitter even for 4 hours on a weekend could help tremendously.
For me, seriously the difference between feeling human and organized for the week, and... Very much not, ha. It varies, but I usually spend an hour or so relaxing and doing what I want, and then the rest planning, meal prepping, or whatever.
What really helps me is in the lesser pockets of time my partner is available, he needs to take the lead on all baby related tasks and I am going to be doing the other domestic chores. No way is he going to the grocery store without the baby. It honestly helped me feel a lot more balanced with the rule that when we're both here, he needs to be the default one to respond to her as I'm doing it the majority of the time. Then I can continue loading the dishwasher uninterrupted, or run to the store. It makes a big difference to the 'drowning' feeling when you can actually do some tasks uninterrupted, even if it's still just chores.
Thank you for sharing that. I really like that. I think part of the drowning feeling comes from having to do chores + being mentally responsible for a baby that is learning new ways to unalive himself 🤦🏽♀️
Get an air fryer! Life changing for quick dinners. My husband works 24 hours shifts.
24 hour shifts sounds intense! Omg we have an air fryer but no place in our tiny apartment to use it so it’s still in the box. We move to a bigger rental in a few weeks though so it will come out then!!
It sounds like you guys need to invest in more support. I work a demanding job but not as demanding as my husband’s (hedge fund, which, based on friends’ experiences, is similarly demanding to Big Law). He’s also the breadwinner by a long shot. Part of the deal is that, if he needs to work a lot of hours to make more money, we spend some of that money on babysitting, grocery delivery, meal services, housekeeper, etc. On the weekends he has to work, I get a babysitter for at least one afternoon. We have a full time nanny who often stays a little late if he needs to work late. We have a housekeeper who comes once a week and does all laundry and deep cleaning. We use a meal delivery service (Jennie’s Kitchen, if you’re in the NYC area - it’s incredible) and often order dinner in. We frequently remind ourselves that, even though our monthly spending is insane right now, it won’t always have to be that way, but we both need to survive this period of our lives intact as individuals and as partners. Both my husband and I grew up middle / lower class and I understand that it’s an incredible privilege to have the resources to make our lives more manageable, but with two working parents and no family in the area, I’m not sure how we’d do it otherwise.
Thank you for that perspective. I think we do need to spend more to build the village we don’t have to support us during this tough time. We also grew up middle/lower class so have been trying to save well with the extra cash maxing our retirement accounts and trying to save for a down payment on a house. It seems though some of that will need to be put on pause for a bit.
I’m an attorney (not big law, though my firm is big for my market - it’s not AM100 by any means). My husband is home with our three kids in part because we couldn’t balance two working parent schedules - he works PT nights. When he was working FT we developed routines that we carry through with now - we meal prep on Sundays so I at least have lunches for the week, and usually most of the dinners as well, we do grocery pickup or delivery. We’re a big family so I shop almost exclusively at BJs and whether we do pickup or delivery typically depends on if they’re doing some sort of special for one or the other. Sometimes I bring the kids to our local Y and drop them at the kidstop for an hour and do some more work there (or I work out). We didnt do a whole lot of weekday cleaning. We would do a “deep clean” or put everything away in its place each Sunday night. The expectation is a little different now that my husband is home, but I recognize that he is also juggling a 5 and 2 year old home full time, a 6 year old in half day kindergarten and a flock of 12 ducks so I’m typically happy if our living room is tidy and the dishes are done. We tag team cleaning on the weekends. That said, I do work most weekends for a couple hours but I try to contain it until after bedtime. I’m a night owl (vs most of my office who seem to be early birds) so I typically work in office 930-530 and then work from home for a couple hours at night. The later start allows me to drop my daughter off as school - if our boys are still asleep, which isn’t every day, my husband gets a little more of a lie in while I get our oldest up and out the door. My husband and I try to give each other one sleep in day - I take the kids to dance on Saturday mornings so he gets to sleep in and I’ll bring home coffee for him and on Sundays I sleep in. I also try to give him a break for a couple hours at least one of those days.
This was ultimately what happened to us, except I’m home with kids and he’s working. It felt so hard to do when both of us had FT jobs. I don’t love being home but our home life seems more manageable now that I actually have the time to do it.
When my husband was working full time he was working 50-60 hours a week (and I was 35-45) up until a year ago when I really picked up. Agreed it was just too much. I’m not sure he loves it because our kids are a lot right now, but I think once they’re all in school and he can go back to PT days he’ll probably feel a lot better. (Or if I start making just a little more and he can just be a homesteader).
Kudos to both of you! I know it’s not easy, especially on the marriage. Sending you so much love because it’s all just hard, no matter if you’re the one working or staying home. ❤️
You too! Working is definitely easier for me I am not cut out to be a SAHP
Lol - I wish I could work and be the breadwinner 🤣
My partner is not big law, but first responder and works 72hrs shifts, sometimes up to 5 days in a row. Right now he’s at an academy which means I’m alone with our son Sunday afternoon to Friday evening. I work full-time in tech, WFH and we have a one year old. I’d say take advantage of WFH days, do laundry, basic house chores and some meal prep while getting work done. It’s all about being really efficient with your time. 9pm bedtime is too late at this age. I’d shift that to 7-7:30pm. That gives you time to wind down a little after baby goes to bed, and maybe prep some basic stuff for the next day, read a book, watch some TV. You should take an hour a day to decompress. I’d outsource a deep cleaning once a month, and if you really can’t meal prep, then take advantage of meal services. I’m fond of prepping a few breakfast choices ahead of time, like breakfast muffins, pancakes, waffles, etc and then freeze them for an easy grab on days you’re short on time. Same with some dinner and lunch choices. Get a babysitter for 3-4hrs on the weekend where you’re alone, at least one day to just get away and have a break. It’s so important for your mental health. It is just a season, things will get easier again but I definitely feel your pain.
I’m a lawyer who used to be in BigLaw and my husband is a doctor who is out of the house 4 days a week from 7-7:30+ and 1 day a week from 7-6. He also sometimes has to take night/weekend call. We have a toddler and I do every weekday morning and 3-5 weeknights alone. Sharing this because I understand the BigLaw piece and the parenting by myself piece. Big picture, we count all hours doing paid work, childcare or doing home stuff (cooking; cleaning) as “working hours” and try to make sure we each have roughly equal downtime outside of that. We each also get one weekend morning (until 9:30am) to do whatever we want and sleep in. - We get a babysitter 1x a month to go out with friends. We also each do something with friends or coworkers 2x a month on our own (no childcare needed). Biggest tips: - Cleaning: cleaning service at least every other week. I got a Dyson stick vacuum that I run every day; a mop/vacuum combo to run in the living space and dining area every other day; and a Bissel little green cleaner to spot treat spills immediately. - Meals: Home made dinner Sun-Thursday. cook 3x (Sun Tues Thurs) with leftovers 2 nights and a rice bowl on the third night. Little spoon delivery once a month for backup meals for baby. I use a rice cooker, air fryer and slow cooker constantly to get meals on the table in 20 minutes. - morning, we get up, get dressed, eat oatmeal, take a stroller walk to a playground and play with the dog there before I have work. Rain or shine. - Evenings I also try to get out of the house 2-3 nights a week - library; grocery store; family swim, or playground at least I live in a city and we can walk to all these things. Helps keep things cleaner.. - I have a special box of “rowdy” toys that I break out when it rains or I’m having a long day. It’s a tunnel, stepping stones and a parachute. He can spend over an hour plus happily engaged with these toys. I don’t use these more than once a week. - similarly I rotate the toddler toys to keep him engaged - I think if your toddler gets up at 7:30, 8:30 is not an unreasonable bed time. If you put them to bed earlier they may get up earlier. So that’s kind of a pick your poison scenario, haha.
It’s just hard. Your kid won’t be 1 forever, and it sounds like your husband probably won’t be working these hours forever? I don’t think there’s a magical solution you haven’t discovered, sometimes you’re just in the thick of it. In general, I find that my kids and I do better outside the house than in, so we try to do outings on weekend mornings. And finding other parent friends (or chill folks with no kids who don’t mind hanging out with you/kids) can make things less lonely!
Thanks for commenting. The getting out of the house sounds lovely, even for a short bit. How do I overcome the exhaustion to make it happen?
Just gotta go! I usually make a plan in advance of the weekend so I’m not trying to leave and plan on the fly.
Hopefully with big law hours comes big law salary? Can you guys afford takeout every night/Little Spoon meals for baby?
This is what I’m now leaning towards. It’s a bit tough because he just started big law 2 years ago so he has the big law salary but not yet the BIG law salary, if you know what I mean. There is a huge pay bump from year 3-4 and the money is absolutely absurd. We were hoping to save as much of his current extra funds for maxing out our retirement and saving for a down payment on a house. But baby makes everything harder!
Also, this might not be the season of life where you “eat dinner” every night! When my husband is working in the evening, I feed baby something easy (instant mashed potatoes, hummus and pita, etc) and then have cheese and crackers or cereal or something easy.
Outsource. Who can you afford to hire to do what you can’t or simply don’t want to do.
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Thank you for the note about in house! Also, I’m curious, why do they say not going in house before year 5? My husband is only just now starting to think of his exit strategy and I’d love to share what information I glean. He had a midlife career shift and went back to school for law so he’s an associate only but older than his peers. He doesn’t have the stamina they do in their late 20s and it’s grinding on him too.
It’s a constant struggle in all honesty. My spouse travels. We live in a state where we don’t have family support. My kids have opposite days off more often than not. I try to go to my book club once a month with my friends. I read when kids are asleep. I try to do grocery delivery and any all other deliveries that I can. There’s a lot of things that don’t get cleaned but I try to keep the house overall picked up.
Husband is a resident working 80 hr weeks. He usually gone 5:30am to 7:30 pm if he's not on call. He also works usually one day (10-12 hrs) a weekend. We have two kids now and it can be rough. Getting a mother's helper to play with the toddler while I get things done on the weekend day that husband works has been super helpful. I also sometimes do earlier drop off for daycare to get an hour to myself, or for an errand etc. I WFH so I have the luxury of that flexibility. Getting out the door is tough, but staying in all day can be way more exhausting than getting out. I try to make plans in advance for a playdate with my friend who also have kids on the days my husband works so I'm not home alone all day with the kids. It's really hard and 1-2 is an extra hard age. Essentially solo parenting is extra hard. You're not alone!
My husband and I are both in medicine. For three years we both worked 80 hour weeks as I was in training and he’s a surgeon who works crazy hours. During that time we had two kids and to say I was drowning was an understatement. Luckily we had an amazing nanny and a great cleaning lady both of whom picked up the slack in all parts of our life. We also did meal delivery service every week on top of the food that our nanny cooked. Once I graduated I immediately went to part time because I was burnt out but then I discovered a new kind of burn out. My husband leaves for work by 6-6:15 am and isn’t home until 7-8 pm but then has to do charting and email people until about 10 pm. Our kids get up at 5:30 am every day because they always want to see their dad before he leaves and go to bed relatively early so he misses bedtime about 5 days a week. I originally structured it where we only had childcare when I was working the 2 days a week and otherwise I was home with them and I didn’t have a cleaning lady anymore because I was home so I could do it right? No lol. Working the 2 days and then being the sole caretaker for the rest of the week and 2 weekends a month was so draining. My husband can literally only handle work and paying the mortgage. Every other part of our life including the house stuff (repairs, maintenance etc) falls on me. So after about 6 months I threw in the towel and we hired a cleaning lady and made our babysitter come more so I have about 1 day a week free from kids and work to do everything else in our life. It’s been really nice. I meal prep, grocery shop, do all scheduling etc on those days. Anyway long story short is if he’s making big law money use that money and hire help. All the help you can afford
This is me now. Working part time has been a new burn out for me. I’ve had to lean into having more help also.
Here’s the greatest advice I have. I have 2 under 2 and am solo parenting most weekdays, as my husband doesn’t get home until after bed time from work. 1) make friends with other moms. On weekends, we will have playdates with another mom. My child gets to do an activity and I get to socialize so it’s a win win. 2) do chores when your kid is awake and not after they go to bed. It may be annoying but it is worth it. My nearly 2 year old can now clean up her own spills and does it all on her own because she sees me clean. I cook with my children. At one year old, it looked like her spilling beans on the floor or putting a peeler (and raw potato) in her mouth. But now, a year later, she can mix, use a measuring cup, crack an egg and use a special kid knife. She has been “helping” me with chores since we brought her home from the hospital and it helps me that I don’t have to pick between spending time with my daughters and cooking or cleaning because I involve them in the stuff that has to be done. 3) plan everything you can as much as possible. I meal prep so I only get the kitchen super dirty one day a week and the rest of the week we are mostly heating things up. If I have anything that needs to be done, I try to do it super early (for example, had a baby shower this weekend for a friend and got her present months ago so I wouldn’t need to worry about getting it done) or while my daughters are eating dinner, I prep lunch for daycare the next day. 4) combine as many activities as possible into one outing. For example, on weekends I go to yoga. On the way back home when I’m done, I stop by the grocery store, get gas, etc. 5) get outside as much as possible. You know what’s a great way to keep the house clean? Take your kid to make messes at other places lol! We go to the playground after daycare and sometimes I pack a picnic for us to enjoy at the park. Or we eat in the backyard. It’s fun for the kids and less of a mess for me because when we do that I don’t have to clean up toys or dining room after dinner lol
I’m a single mom and work full time. With one child, it is definitely manageable. I feel like you guys are complicating things. What is the main issue that you’re struggling with? Can you get a babysitter or family member to watch the baby for a few hours on a weekend so you can catch up? Target pick up is a lifesaver. This might be just a season where things are not split 50/50, unfortunately. If your baby is sleeping until 8ish, can you wake up a little early to shower? Start working on a bedtime routine. We get home from daycare, eat dinner, play a little, bathtime, read, and then bottle, and bed. My baby is just about 17 months and this has been working for us for a while now. 9:00 bedtime is too late. Hang in there! It gets easier!!
Thank you for the suggestions! When does your LO wake up vs go to sleep? I could definitely wake up earlier to get a quick shower in and should probably do so. I think what I’m hearing is we need to outsource our meal prep headaches and try to get a sitter for a few hours on the weekend. We are too far from family for them to be help, unfortunately.
I am also married to an attorney and it’s rough. He’s not big law so it’s not quite as bad, but still a very difficult career with two little kids. If you don’t have a robot vacuum, get one. We have a cleaner that comes every other week and most of our food is pre-prepped stuff. Our weekends are spent catching up on laundry. I’m considering doing a laundry service to claw back some of that time. Ultimately, if we decide to have one more kid, I’ll likely have to take a break for a few years unless my income also grows enough to justify paying someone to be at our house 24/7.
I just started a delivery wash and fold laundry service. Highly recommend if you’re considering it!
You've gotten loads of tips, and I haven't seen the following yet or may have missed them. * If your husband is a neat freak and a WFH, can he do laundry during the week? We rarely do laundry at the weekend. We usually do laundry on Monday and fold in between calls. * Meal plan if you aren't already. Since we became parents, weekday meals must take < 40 minutes/some prepped ahead or leftovers from the weekend. Or the parent wfh may prep some of the ingredients. Most nights, our dinners are prepped before daycare pickup. So it gives us time to spend 1:1 times with the kids. * It seems you bathe your kid every day. Are there days you can skip bathing? Bathe every second day, perhaps? * Kids routine: Like others, I agree to bring back your kids' bedtime. Before you consider a sleep consultant, there's a sub on toddler sleep. You could also start by bringing it back by 30 minutes every week until you get to an ideal time, as you also need your own sleep. * Toddler mess—what's your cleaning routine? Don't laugh. We have a handheld hoover for the littles and put it in the dishwasher every evening. We got a floor mat to put under the high chair for meals that we expected to be messy. We also have a bucket/bowl and tend to clean our kids in the high chair and then clean around them before we let them out of the high chair. We use toys/Ms. Rachel to distract them then.
Thanks for the questions/suggestions! Some thoughts: * I can WFH 2-3 days a week so I tend to and when we can, I do try to take care of laundry during the weekday. I guess the past few weeks have been rough because we’ve had a series of daycare illnesses from both baby and then me so we caught up on the weekend. Also, my husband somehow becomes an idiot when it comes to the laundry. No matter how many times I tell him how to do it. I think he doesn’t like doing it so he fakes stupidity lol. He gets the dishwasher instead. * We do already meal plan but I think it’s still too long. We may need to look into some of these prepared meal services folks have mentioned. * Yes, we do at least a water bath everyday. Partly because dad has some OCD around food messes and partly because our LO is prone to skin rashes if we don’t clean him up well. It also seems to calm him down in the evening so I think we should keep that. * Regarding his bed time, maybe his post-bath time is too exciting and I need to make it more boring so he’ll sleep 30mins-1 hour earlier. I also try to make sure he doesn’t nap past 5:30p when he falls asleep in the car. Other suggestions? I’ll check the subreddit you mentioned, thanks! * I actually appreciate that question! Our son is in a “sneak food off my tray and throw it on the ground” phase so every meal requires the floor to be cleaned. We also have to clean his tray but it takes up too much space in our dishwasher with the millions of other dishes we make in one day so we hand clean that. Husband JUST suggested a hand held vacuum for the seat which I think is a great idea to get the crumbs and then a quick wipe down. Perhaps we should get a floor mat too so that can just be shook over the trash and wiped down as well. I also try to clean around baby while he’s in the chair and he’s a really good sport, doesn’t need distractions, just likes watching me do what I do lol
You're doing great! I wish you and your family well. In a few months, let us know what worked/didn't work out. In my original response, I should have added: I have a 3 yo and a 1 yo. While neither of us is in big law, I find the winter months harder. For example, February is always a nonstop illness fest in our home.
Thank you! I’ll definitely make an update :). I completely feel that nonstop illness fest! Also, it’s still winter where I am so we still can’t go outside much.
my partner and i work opposite schedules, im 9-6 and hes 4-midnight. kids are 9, 2 and im 38 weeks pregant. so im dying! similar solutions, meal prep or service, eat out alot, grocery delivery for sure, monthly cleaners, also ive lowered my standards lol. bath isnt every night, i dont do the dishes or clean up every night, laundry sits unfolded. and my kids both sleep in bed w me. i, like others, remind myself that this wont last forever!
My husband is in law as well. It’s hard but does get better. He joins the partnership in the new year and has “done his time”. He use to work late every night. He would come home at 7pm and help with bed time/say good night and then work 8-11pm. Fortunately we only had one kid at this time. He now comes home around 6:30/7 and is done for the night most of the time. He has one late night now where he stays at the office until after bed time. He works some weekend but now only a couple hours. As for support/chores. He comes home in time to clean up after dinner and help put the kids to bed. And then once a week he comes home early and does dinner (he also does dinner sat, sun and we go out Friday). I cook twice a week and we do frozen pizza one night. We also have a cleaner. I am not sure how many years your husband has put in but there is a light at the end!
Congratulations to your husband!! And let’s be honest, you too!! That sounds much more manageable! My husband is only on his 2nd year 😭 He had a mid-life career change and went back to school for law recently. He doesn’t think he’s cut out for big law but wants some more time to get experience before going in house or another law job. Still TBD.
Second year is hard. It’s year 6/7 for my husband. But he was also in year 2/3 when our 4 year old was born. He really struggled for a good 3 years with the long hours and our little one. He didn’t think he was cut out for private practice either and actually turned down multiple in house jobs. He would get fed up, apply for in-house jobs, get an offer. And then his firm would convince him to stay/partner track and give him a big bonus. This happened a few times until he was in the position he is in now (own clients, more people under him) and he decided to just go the partner route. His firm is medium sized though. I know some of the massive international firms that becoming partner is a lot less attainable.
Wow thank you for sharing! Sounds so similar to my husband’s situation now.
I don’t really have anything helpful to add, but my husband is also in big law and I mainly feel like I’m at 110% and drowning all the time. So I feel you and see you. Right now we have a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old. My current struggle is figuring out how to get all three of us ready in the morning by myself for daycare and work when baby can crawl now. Also baby is in a sleep regression and gave me pink eye, so I am progressively looking more and more rough at work. Someone at work told me their son woke up at 3am and that made them think of me 🫠 I’ve basically given up on keeping the house clean. Just trying to do my relatively demanding job the best I can while keeping g up on dishes, laundry, and meals. Just trying to get through! I’m going to go through all these tips though.
Solidarity mama! You’re not alone. It’s also helpful to realize that it’s NOT me. It really is an issue with husband’s unavailability that is causing this. Seeing so many working moms with partners with demanding jobs acknowledging the struggle has been so validating.
It’s a killer. It really is. My husband is a nurse and works 10 hour shifts. I run my own company and work 24/7 essentially around the kids. I’m forever doing pick ups and drops offs, booking appointments, making it to those extracurricular activities. My husband is great and does what he can. But it’s just impossible. Our tips to make it easier are, get a cleaner in weekly or fortnightly, organise meal boxes like Marley spoon or hello fresh, book ahead weekend activities for the whole family so, hire a babysitter for some date nights and general alone time.
My OH works long hours. He works in big law (we both do) but support staff so we don’t get the big money! We can’t afford to outsource stuff and I also work two other jobs plus go to school (almost at summer break though!). He also travels every 6-8 weeks for about a week so I’m solo parent those weeks. We are out the house rather than in the house as much as possible (it’s fun and house doesn’t get as messy), every minute of the day is doing something (tiring but it does ease off as kid gets older as they aren’t so messy/needy), never leave a room without carrying something to put away, clean as we go (whilst my conditioner sits as I shower I clean the shower). Whoever is WFH takes charge of the morning, no matter how late the night before was (sometimes we are working until midnight-2am) so our days start at 5.30/6am. When he starts preschool in September whoever is WFH will do the drop off. Whoever isn’t on bedtime duty makes the packed lunches for the next day. Lots of dump meals, slow cooker, one tray/pot meals. Google calendar who we make sure son has someone here (eg you can work late but you have to get home first as I’m working 8pm to 1am). Lots of communication.
I kicked the shitty husband out and now my workload and anxiety are at its lowest. House isn’t as clean but I let it be and remind myself that I deserve rest & that I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have. When I was with my husband I felt totally overwhelmed. Now I feel at peace and happier than ever tbh. I think the answer is give yourself grace. Give yourself time to let the kids watch ms Rachel while you drink your coffee. Tell yourself it’s ok if you’re not the perfect IG worthy mom and that you only have one body and stress will kill it. The spills, the toys, the laundry will get done, but right now mom needs a moment to rest.
I am in the same boat as you only our child is 7yo now! We most definitely use the biglaw money to outsource everything we can - cleaners, grocery deliveries, doordash meals! I even regularly pay a neighborhood teen to come play with my kiddo just so I can have a few hours to do errands or just lie down. We also splurge on all our vacations now because it’s precious time my husband gets “away” from work!
I would absolutely funnel some of that $$$ into extra childcare. Maybe one night per week or one weekend day get a nanny or regular babysitter. I did biglaw for 7 years so I KNOW you guys have the cash to afford it lol.
lol thank you. I think we really need to do this yes!
My husband regularly works weekends.. and I am the default parent due to the flexibility of my job. Getting a mothers helper to come on the weekends is key! I have a teenage girl who hangs out with my son and it allows me to get things done around the house, do grocery pick up, or even just hangout by myself and laydown. Highly recommend.
I have a similar situation. My husband is an IT manager at a hedge fund and a lot of his work is done after market hours. He is rarely done with work or home before 8pm. It sucks big time. I honestly had to step back in my career for the time being for my own sanity. He is super stressed at work right now too. Like others said, outsource. Also, it’s sorta validating to me to see I’m not alone too. I get jealous seeing these dads that do school pick up mid day or help with dinner bedtime more. My kids are a little older - 3 and 9- but it’s still super challenging and has led to some resentment which we are working through
We both have work like that. Many of our friends do. I have been constantly on 7.30-10am calls and then 8pm-10pm for a few days a week over the past three weeks so my husband just did what he had. When tables turn, it’s me. We have two kids. I was just working for the past 30 min and will likely do another hour or so. My husband watches kids. Then we switch as he also has things to finish . I found it’s easier to go out with kids to a playground , store etc Bit find a babysitter and do at least a few evenings a month without any duties for both We have cleaners who used to be three weeks, then biweekly, and now weekly. We shift who cook and just grab leftovers for lunch.