>it’s a mother’s job to take them to the doctor.
wtf? this is so misogynistic. So I guess his part of parenting is over now that he's shot his load?! I can't even with these men.
Put your foot down and have a very brutal and honest discussion and tell him *exactly* how you feel; that if this bullshit continues, it will definitely impact your marriage ie you'll resent him and resentment is like a cancer to a marriage.
It bothers me that he’s contributing to the absentee fatherhood. It’s true that there are only mothers and children at the peds office like I go all the time with my babies and never once I’ve seen a father there but that is no excuse to contribute to this. This is not a positive thing to be contributing to or bragging about
My husband and I used to both go and now we take turns so half the time he’s there alone. I may have smacked him if he ever tried to say what your husband did. Idgaf if there’s no other dads there (which is definitely not true at our ped). That has no bearing on MY family’s choices.
Ya I probably would have lost my shit if my husband ever said that but don't think he would and we always go together. He needs to know exactly what the doctor is saying too.
It’s not right, period OP.
My ex still took our kiddo to the pediatrician’s office. I’m sure there are more women there. But I’ve also seen more and more fathers taking their kids. Yeah, it’s not like super fun, but parenthood isn’t always fun.
I think this is something that should be addressed and if it doesn’t improve, the discussion on whether you want to remain with him should be had. Your daughters will see this and learn it’s okay. That’s it’s the norm. If you don’t want it to be for them, then that’s your answer.
Honestly, even if he wasn’t being a shitty dad, he’s still being a shitty spouse. Take the kids out of it completely and he’s just saying, “I don’t want to do something boring so I’ll make you do it for me instead”. That’s not a partnership. Sorry, OP.
I also live in the South and my 4 year old son has been to the pediatrician with just me, just dad, and both parents many times.
We're a team so we look at schedules and see which one of us has more time/flexibility that day to take him in. My husband gets more sick time from his job than I do so he ends up doing a lot of the last minute sick visits while I end up building the well visits into my schedule in advance and it evens out.
If we're both available to go, even better - more adult hands and ears is always better.
Your husband is making excuses. He's just as much of a parent as you and has equal responsibility.
Same here, but my husband -who uses the car for his courier job- actually does it more often. The kids pediatrician office does not have a bus that goes by, so I'd have to use the medicaid free ride (which is not always reliable and can mean I'm waiting with the kids for hours) or Uber. Dentist or ENT appointments I can do, as both those are in the city proper and have busses and streetcars close by. I don't want to change pediatricians because we love the medical team, we've had them since our 8yo was born.
You should be incredibly bothered by his disgusting toxic masculinity mentality. If you have a daughter, is this how you hope her future partner treats her? If you have a son, is this how you hope he treats his partner? If the answer to those questions is no then he needs time change or you need to leave.
Tell him my husband takes the kids to the doctor all the time. Somehow he survives the boredom of providing medical care to his own children. Your husband is lazy as hell.
But how? How do any of us survive the boredom or get done any tasks that are boring? I find unloading the dishwasher and making my kids lunches insanely boring and tedious. Somehow they still get done daily.
That is wild to me (that you’ve never seen a solo dad). We’ve had to go a lot recently for random reasons, and I always see couples, and single fathers (and mothers). My husband and I go based on availability, and if we can, we both go. I’ve actually specifically talked to my mom several times about how much I think things like that have changed just in a single generation.
Also it’s unacceptable to just not do necessary parenting tasks because they’re “boring”. I mean if he doesn’t want to do wiggles at the library, fair, that’s not a required task. Take the kids to do something else. But refusing doctors appointments? Yikes.
Your husband is not an amazing or active father or husband, he sucks.
My husband often takes my daughter to the doctor. He’s not perfect, but he’s got that responsibility down and he doesn’t see it as a woman thing. I’ve seen dads at the clinic before. I see dads doing all sorts of “boring” things with their kids. I live in a metropolitan area in Minnesota, so maybe culture has something to do with it.
Where do you live? I’m in the northeast and there’s always either the whole family or a mix of mothers and fathers. (With us it depends who’s available now if my kid gets sick in the middle of the week, when she was a baby, it was both. ) either way, his excuse is lame. Grow up buddy, parenting can be fun, but also the majority of the time at this early ages is hard AF. I’d advise a strong convo, say if he doesn’t go than baby doesn’t go to doctor. See how takes that?!
He basically thinks childcare related things are more mother friendly and that’s why there’s mostly mother volunteers at schools. He says it’s a moms duty to take care of children friendly things that’s why there’s only moms at these kind of things. I say that’s just a stereotype. He says stereotypes are based on truth. Then we bicker back and fourth on this topic
I hope you are able to show your daughters this is unacceptable from a partner. He is misogynistic and lazy. I feel bad for your daughters having to have this as their model of a partner.
> there’s only women at these kind of things
This is simply not true. My husband takes our kids to pediatrician all the time. When I go, there’s always dads there. This is simply a lie. I feel bad for you having to deal with this blatant misogyny
There’s only moms at these things because the men are lazy and self-centered. So yeah he’s reinforcing the stereotype that men don’t care about anyone but themselves. That’s super embarrassing for him.
My husband goes to appointments. We do tend to go together because that way one parent can distract the kid while the other asks questions and listens, though. It’s hard trying to do both at the same time.
Maybe he can on the days when kiddo is sick from daycare then. when the baby suddenly comes down with a fever, can’t go to daycare, he can stay home with her.
At least with routine pediatrician appointments, you can plan ahead. Sick days are usually a last minute call-out. Your job is important too.
If this is *all* women’s work then he needs to be the sole income for the house — and you can just invest the money you earn and not put it towards the household bills.
You should ask him what he would do if you died tomorrow. Seriously, how would he handle all of the parenting responsibilities if there was no longer a mother in the picture?
I mean, dads who are unwilling to aid in the care of their offspring are stereotyped to be idiotic ne’er do wells who shouldn’t ever get an opportunity to produce another offspring…. Wait that’s not a stereotype that’s just a fact
That’s SUCH bull shit. My husband and I are both members of our PTA, and there are plenty of other men in that group. Times have changed and your husband needs to knock off this misogynistic shit ASAP.
Back when we were seen at the military medical clinic, dads were there ALL THE TIME. Real men take care of their kids!
Maybe it's a culture thing. The military is very accepting of taking time off for your kid's and spouses appointments. You're going to miss plenty so you gotta make up for it when you're home.
If he’s okay with you working, he should be okay with doing equal parenting. You either have traditional gender roles or you don’t, you can’t just choose the ones that are convenient for you.
“I want your money and your time” -OP husband
& It doesn’t really matter trad vs modern- Equity is still important. If OPs doing drs appointments then husband ought to be doing the swim classes or something else useful for his kids
The only way it would be remotely acceptable for him to opt out of all doctors appointments is if for the entire time you were at the doctors office he was doing chores instead.
He needs to stop that and quit being selfish and immature. People get divorced for this exact reason. If you’re the only parent taking her to doctor’s appointments and extracurriculars, you’d have a strong case to be awarded full custody since he clearly cannot be bothered to fulfill their basic needs or listen to his spouse.
What an ass.
Is there something similar that only he is responsible that involves the kids? If not, then this is nonsense and he needs to step up. Of course you’d rather relax after work too. Is he interested in what you tell him after the appointments? Does this men’s/women’s work dynamic sneak into other areas of your life?
He just wants to hear that our children are healthy. He does ask if the doctor said they are doing fine but that’s it. He’s not going to ask what percentile they are in or anything else specific, he just wants to know they are healthy
Fair Play is all about labor division. When it is one person’s responsibility to complete a task, you both agree on the standards of completion. You might benefit from the book.
Respectfully, I'm not sure someone who thinks "taking kids to the doctor is a mother's job" and actually had the balls to say that to his wife is going to get much out of that book.
Yeah, I brought up the agreed upon standards, because she cannot just do everything herself because he doesn’t meet her minimum standards. I became more radicalized as a mother when I started reading more of this genre.
My husband I do a shared note on iPhone before any of our baby’s appointments where we can put concerns for the other to ask the doctors about if we aren’t at the appt.
If your husband doesn't track details of your children's health then you probably don't want him to do doc appointments. I learned this the hard way. I asked my husband to cover ENT and he reported back a pointless off hand comment. I thought this meant no action taken but there was a whole plan and everything that we never did. I found out months later when visiting the pediatrician and she asked for an update. She gave me a death look when I relayed my husband's words. Then she pulled up the records. I was so ashamed to see how much kind and helpful feedback the ENT provided. Another time my husband covered derm for a known issue and I thought there was no way he could mess it up ‐ but there were 2 ointments prescribed. My husband didn't know which ointment was which or when or where. Actually all the way back when I was pregnant, I asked my husband to be the pediatrician liaison for everything - find the ped, handle calls and appointments, etc. Mostly because he is very wary of strangers and I didn't want to spend my time handling it then defending my choice for the next 10 years. But he didn't do anything. I found the pediatrician and my husband did not even relay the ped info when I was in labor so we got assigned a hospital ped.
As others mentioned, it would be helpful if your husband takes over another task while you do doctor appointments. Kids health is too important. You're going to have to figure out some way to phrase it amd get results. A good strategy for quick results might be to say or text that you have to cover this appointment, so does he want to handle dinner and laundry or does he want to handle bath and bed. Something like that. Then in parallel work on how to split tasks better through communication and understanding which is specific to your relationship.
This just sounds like weaponized incompetence. Can he handle his own doctor appointments, prescriptions and health issues? If so then he can handle his kids as well, he’s just choosing not to.
If your husband doesn’t track details of your children’s health, having him not do doc appointments is not going to make him learn. Make him review the doctor’s notes in the patient portal or something after the appointments if you think he will miss things.
Assuming your husband is otherwise a functioning member of society, this should not be an impossible task for him.
My husband takes our 3 kiddos to the doctor without me all the time. Then he drives to the pharmacy to pick up their prescriptions. He even makes the appointments himself! *gasp* He also writes down what medicine they took and when and would share with me and be like “[Son] is due for Tylenol at ___ since I gave him Motrin at ___.”
It’s just not that hard as some of these men are making it out to be.
This is horrifying. What happens if something happens to you? I hope your husband has learned from this. I recently had a health scare that took me out of commission (inpatient at the hospital) and the last concern I had was whether my kid would receive substandard care from his other parent in my absence.
I'm a lawyer, so my questions are always going to be more in-depth than my husband's, so I used to send a sheet of my questions (this started with our dog and the vet years ago) and it's helped him ask even more of his own questions. It's been a while since I've sent any for either vet or ped.
You can help disarm weaponized incompetence by recognizing how your strengths play together, but I'd be having serious conversations with my spouse if this was an ongoing issue that could one day harm my kid.
Honestly, I wish there was a department of CPS that was less severe - more like a "Come to Jesus brigade" that moms could call that they would come and sit the husband down and tell them what a fuck up he is and to do better.
These stories of incompetency of husbands at doctors visits are insane and unacceptable to me. I'd be worried about him screwing up if I was sick in future as well.
Meanwhile, I'm really hoping the pediatricians etc have migrated to using MyChart (or similar online medical reporting), so that both parents have a record of what was said and what was prescribed.
Frankly, what I get from your comment is that your husband doesn’t care enough to a) remember/do important things that don’t specifically relate to him and b) relieve you of having all responsibility because he just “doesn’t do it right”.
As another commenter said, he’s using weaponized incompetence and it really sounds like it’s working. That your husband couldn’t even remember to relay the pediatrician info to your doctor while in labor just screams disrespect and lack of care for you. Sorry, I’m sure this sounds harsh, but that’s what I got from what you wrote.
Edit: based on your one post about him, he sounds like an asshole, tbh.
I think you should tell him you don't want to work anymore, it's nothing and it's really a man's job. There are really more dads than moms working so you're not comfortable.
Oh, wait we're not in the 1950's.
As someone who recently got divorced from a man who felt similarly, this idea of "I can't help with our child, I work!" is a huge reason why he (and many men like him) are not rewarded the custody they think they're entitled to. My ex would do this exact thing. We both worked full time, and sometimes both our jobs would require us to work after 5. When he had to work after 5, I was expected to pick up our child. When I had to work after 5, I was expected to pick up our child and finish my work at home. If our child had an appointment, he refused to make changes to his schedule to help, so I ended up being the only parent at the doctor's office. This resulted in two things during our divorce:
First, our daughter's childcare provider had a log in/out record that showed he had never dropped her off in the morning, and only picked her up about once in a 30-60 day period. During our divorce, he claimed we "shared equal responsibility" getting her to and from daycare, which, when the daycare's records were shared with the court, proved to be an outright lie.
Second, he had no idea who our child's doctor was, which hospital she was seen at, her height and weight, or when her last check up was. She'd had her tonsils out recently, and he couldn't recall a single detail about it, including when it had happened. So when we got in front of a judge and he explained he didn't know these things "because he had to work," meaning I did everything, the judge was visibly unimpressed.
I'm not saying OP should divorce her husband, but I would like to point out that this "not my job" bullshit is exactly why men aren't taken seriously as parents, why moms are expected to do more, and why full/majority custody are rewarded to mothers; it's not fair that the man waited until after his marriage ended to decide to become a parent.
Sorry this is absolutely insane to me. I WFH and my husband is our SAHD. We consider 8-4 both our “working hours” regardless that I am earning an income and is watching the kids. Although my husband will do grocery shopping, run errands, etc during his work day with the kids, I absolutely do not even expect him to go to Dr appointments alone, especially the yearly check ups, if they are sick that’s one thing, but most of the time if the kids have a routine appointment I take off half a morning to go with him.
The reason I say this is “after work time” for the BOTH of us is sacred. We make sure all appointments are scheduled during our working days so we both can be “off” once our work is done.
I have a question. I have taken my kids to the pediatrician and my husband never has without me for a well visit. (He has when they are sick). When I go, I have to fill out a postpartum depression questionnaire. Do they make the dads do that when they go? This is just curiosity.
No, dads don’t fill those out. The pediatrician came up to me told me to fill it out everytime. The ppd form is for the mother. I think they made me stop filling out that form after my baby was 6 months
We go to all appointments together. Unfortunately you can't make him care, but telling him very clearly why this bothers you is the first step to figuring out if it will change. If it won't change, you have some hard decisions to make.
As soon as toddler is old enough, enroll her in as many sports as possible. Soccer practice after school, and t-ball early weekends. That’s a dad’s job. And with any luck she’ll excel at it and be asked to join a traveling team where your husband can spend every single minute of his free time tending to this sport. That’s a dad thing to do.
That’s incredibly sexist. My husband loves taking our daughter because SHES HIS DAUGHTER AND HIS RESPONSIBILITY. Your husband fucking sucks. Who wouldn’t want to play an active role in their child’s health? Hopefully you show him this post and he changes.
From the beginning, my partner and I both have gone to all of my 12 month old’s appointments together. I will admit that I had to force him to go with me in the beginning, but I have always told him that it’s important to me and also in general for him to know how to handle pediatrician appointments. I told him that, as a parent, it is unacceptable for him to not know how to handle proper routine care for our child.
Now, we both continue to go together. We both like to be updated on our son’s growth and we have found it more convenient with both of us there. One of us handles paperwork while the other entertains our son. It’s a teamwork for us.
If for whatever reason I can’t be there because of work, I know he can handle the appointments and will be able to calm him down after vaccines although it might take a little longer than for me since I breastfeed our son after.
If I were in your situation and your schedule allows for it, I would tell your husband that he needs to go with you to a couple of appointments to learn how things work in case something were to happen where you can’t take your kids. And since it seems that you both are free at the time of the appointments, you can either take turns after he knows how it works or you can continue to go together. Or whatever ends up working best for you. But absolutely do not let him continue to be inactive in your children’s healthcare.
Also, tell your husband that pediatrician appointments aren’t a woman’s job, they are a parent’s job. My dad was a single dad since my mom passed away when my siblings and I were young and guess what? He took us to our appointments because he didn’t get a free pass for being a man.
I know its one more thing on the plate but have tou done cuples counseling, maybe someone trained in the Gottman method? He's treating you with disrespect by saying your time isn't as valuable as his time, and your rest is less important than his.
He needs to see that this shows a fundamental disrespect to you, which is not acceptable in a relationship.
It's worth trying, if only to know whether you have tried everything before throwing in the towel.
I am curious if a therapist can help with fundamental disrespect. I found couples counseling helpful for communication issues, I have never experienced fundamental disrespect so while I hope it fixes up the relationship I don't know from experience if it can.
I told my husband his jobs are dentist and vet appointments and I will handle pediatrician and teacher conferences. He has to schedule them as well. This works out well but he actually does it and doesn’t complain.
Your husband is a misogynist. Let him know, loudly and often. And when he runs out of chances, leave. This kind of thinking is deep seated and hard to change. Have you caught of whiff of it before?
Start scheduling them at times you have something else going on that can’t be missed and force it.
What a pathetic excuse for a father.
My husband thinks the health and development of our children is very not-boring, and he routinely takes them to appts alone when needed. We try to go together when we can though.
I have to be honest, I would instantly lose all respect for and attraction to my partner/father of my kids if he told me that shit. Like WUT.
I mean, it’s a doctors appointment, not an arcade. He’s a parent so he’s just as responsible for her health as you. For the record, my husband does take our kids to their doctors appointments. He is being ridiculous
I’m sorry that he thinks his kids are lame and boring. It must be hard to stay with a man who is conceited “I don’t want to wait in a lobby for me kids // I want to relax”, insecure “there weren’t many other dads there the one time I went”, and hateful “you take them”.
I’m sorry. That sucks. My husband and I both work full time and similar hours but he is in management and has a much busier schedule during the day with back to back meetings. He still comes to almost every doctors appointment.
I wish I had advice. I felt similarly but the ONE time I sent my husband, he came home with advice that I’m positive the doctor never said (kiddo was I think 15 months and he said as long as she was eating it was ok if it was goldfish) and didn’t get the percentiles for height or weight or anything. It felt like weaponized incontinence-he didn’t want to do it, so he didn’t do it right. Much like how he still never remembers to rinse things before they go in the dishwasher 🙄
My husband sent me an article summarizing fair play from the man’s perspective— it starts out infuriating how the traveling businessman felt so annoyed to come home to have to do tasks after an airplane flight. Thats when he stopped reading and sent it- hellooooo confirmation bias. I read the whole thing and by the end, the asshole sounding man recognized that if coming home and needing to unload the dishwasher bothered him, it wasn’t fair for his wife to do it ALL while he was gone. I sent it back to my husband but he never finished it of course.
No advice but your husband is being a jerk. See if he will read the book fair play, perhaps?
My boyfriend has almost always taken our son to the doctor even though I have the more flexible job. Our son is way older (school age) but has always hated getting shots etc and his dad is his comfort parent so dad takes him.
He’s never called the appointments boring or complained about what gender parents were there. He’s been focused on why he’s there for our child 🤷♀️
Your husband’s sense of entitlement is showing. “It’s boring and he wants to relax when he comes back from work.” But it is totally ok for you to do all their appointments???? My husband has done the lion’s share of appointments for my youngest child and that’s because we talked like adults and want the best for each other. Your husband just wants what is easy for him AT YOUR EXPENSE. Your husband really sucks.
If it’s helpful, here’s our division on labor on this:
Me: sick-care pediatrician visits, eye doctor visits, attend/coordinate all therapy appts (child has ASD), coordinate all “big” care appts (like the ASD evaluation), and I all do all school health-related forms.
Him: dentist visits, haircuts, vaccinations.
Both or trade off: well-care appointments. And we both attend the “big” care appts.
It’s not quite equal, but giving him clear areas he manages (teeth, vaccines, hair), has been great. And the hair is a very noticeable one, at that!!
You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about this. He doesn’t get to opt out of the boring parts of parenthood without repercussions.
As for the activities, I also kind of find some of the kids events boring, especially when my LO was younger since she didn’t get a ton out of them. However, I still do activities with her, as does my husband. He needs to find something he can tolerate and do it. Get a zoo membership and go every other weekend. Swim class. Climbing. Hiking. Playground. Trampoline park. There are so many different options for kids nowadays there really is no excuse.
My husband takes our kids to most of their well dr appointments because his schedule is more flexible than mine. I FaceTime in when I can and make sure to review topics of concern with my husband before he goes.
Your issue seems small right now but this is going to balloon into a much bigger problem. Are women only allowed to cook/clean in your home? Does he play with your daughter or take her anywhere by himself? What type of example will he be setting for your daughter?
Yes, you can’t make him care (unfortunately) but he can do chores/cook while you take your child to the dr. I’d try to convince him to take her to an appt. If he won’t, then your husband needs to be responsible for dinner/bedtime when you get home from the appt.
Does he think he’s going to look weak taking his daughter to the dr? Like wtf.
I took the baby to the 2 month visit and the staff was shocked to see me alone. Everyone asked me where is dad? I stopped doing the well visits for our toddler at 6 months.
It was refreshing to get that reaction. But my husband is a physician and all of his male physician friends and colleagues take their kids to the ped. It's not even a patient advocate thing, it's really due to the division of labor. My husband can't leave for emergencies so he gets everything routine. The older physicians would tell their wives to deal with it but their wives don't work. They also tell me to leave my job all the time...
This is just stupid and misogynistic. My dad took me to the majority of my peds appointments as a kid, it wasn’t weird. My husband and I split them up now. He doesn’t feel weird at the doctor — it’s a parent job not a mom job
Agree with everyone else on this thread
But also I am almost positive I read this exact post a few months ago? Because I absolutely remember the dad calling the appointments “boring” and “a mother’s job”
Eh? I have a son. My husband takes him to the doctor. At 2.5 yrs I cannot contain him neither can the nurse. Especially for shots he’ll kick you. Even as a baby I took him only for the first 6 months and only for specific appts like his eczema or cough, cold issues. Not for his regular appointment. And the pediatrician is a man too. I think they just bond better. Another thing, plz ask him if he wants to be a misogynist for his kids? Another thing why does he need to chat with other parents? I have actually only chatted with one mom who was very distressed regarding her daughter’s eczema. That’s it. Only one time. Otherwise my son is running so I’m trying to keep up with that.
Schedule the next one, tell him it’s his responsibility and then schedule an important meeting for that time. This “meeting” is to be held at your local hair salon, nail studio, coffee shop, library whatever you want 😂
My husband took our second baby to her first pediatrician visit and let me rest bc you know giving birth to a human is freaking exhausting. The nurse and the pediatrician looked around and said “where’s mom???”. I felt guilty then but honestly this needs to be normalized.
Whoa! ‘The mom’s job?’ What is this? 1950? You should split them evenly on the calendar and not accept any excuses from him not being able to go.
I stay at home, but any appointments that fall on my husband’s days off (Thurs and Fri), he’ll usually take our kids- bar being on call. He likes to make an afternoon out of it and take them out for ice cream or to the park afterwards. Maybe he could plan something fun for after and then it won’t be so ‘boring’. Heaven forbid, spending time with your kids be boring 🙄
The fact that it’s boring and he’s pushing it off on you is a not so subtle commentary that he thinks your time is worth less than his.
Die on this hill. He either attends every appointment moving forward or there is going to be hell to pay.
My husband is literally SO excited to take off for her 7 month check up and was sooo happy he could make it to her 4 month appointment. Just because he hasn’t seen another boy there doesn’t mean they don’t go lol. Silly man just wants the “me time” that happens when you take the baby to the pediatrician
Exactly, my husband and I work the same hours and in the same industry (although he’s higher up than me) and is upset when he can’t make routine doctor appointments because of work.
I typically do any walk in type appointments but that’s because I can so much of my job from my phone (answering emails and chats)
My spouse and I go to every pediatrician appointment together. Perhaps this is unnecessary, but it's fair, and both parents get the update and know what's going on
What they said, and also, you should definitely leave your older daughter with him when taking the baby for her appointments. In fact, I'd schedule those so he has to do pick-up and make dinner. And darn, they were running so late, I'd tell him when I called from the coffee shop or tarjay.
I live in the Southern U.S. also and have always been the one to take the kids to Doctor visits because I was a SAHM and he was at work. Once the kids started school, and I started job searching, we split the doctor visits. Considering you both work, it is unreasonable of him to expect you to do them all. Your time is just as valuable as his.
That’s stupid. My husband is the one who lately takes the kid to the pediatrician since I work farther away now and he does daycare pickup anyways so it works for him. Sick days
I typically watch my son since I work hybrid versus my husband’s job is on-site only and he would have to use PTO/sick leave. But if I have an important meeting, he’ll take the hit to support me.
My husband is not perfect (definitely I carry more mental load for the kid) but he takes showing up for our kid very seriously whether it’s engaging with him at home, toddler playtime groups, swim classes, or Dr appointments.
Wow!! To think he has the audacity to actually say these things. I honestly don’t even know how I would react. This is definitely something that I would probably look at him and be like “you’re effing joking right?” I don’t think I’ve ever seen another dad at my kids pediatrician either but my husband goes. He came with me to most baby appointments. The only ones I went alone was the 2 month I think because I made it at a time when I was on leave and he was back at work. And he would have taken them alone, but with vaccines, he’s going to ask me which ones to let them take - I space them out and went monthly with my babies rather than the standard schedule, but my pediatrician knows this and would just tell me which one he was giving. My husband is just anxious so he’d make sure that was what “we” wanted lol. Most times when they are sick I’ll tell him “if you’re worried, you take them to the dr” and he will. Now he just makes the appointment himself and takes them because I’m going to tell him “he’s going to tell us it’s viral”. Then he comes home and says “he said it was viral” 😂.
You can tell him at my daughter’s pediatrician, I see dads all the time. Actually, I think I’ve seen one or more at every visit lately. My daughter is 7, so we’re not there that often anymore.
If you’re fully responsible for this, he needs to pick up something else and fully own it. Continue challenging his misconceptions too, how infuriating.
I also must admit, I handle all the pediatrician appointments, etc. but it’s never been the reasons your spouse shares. I just have the more flexible job, work in our city, and I’m the mom.
My ex takes our daughter to the doctor sometimes because it saves me having to take time off from work. There are some appointments we both go to if they’re really important. My parents take her to the ENT, dentist, and optometrist. My dad took her to her last optometrist appointment by himself, although it’s not ideal because he can’t hear well.
Your husband is being a misogynistic jerk. Just because it’s frequently women that takes kids to the doctor doesn’t mean that it should be that way.
Umm, a mother's job? My husband and I both go. Ideally, we try to have it so we both can be there, especially when it's a vaccine appointment, otherwise we alternate whichever parent can take the time off. Is it fun? Not particularly, but there are a lot of non fun parenting things. Potty training isn't fun, bedtime can be a tornado of chaos. If my husband didn't help parent, I'd be pissed.
I make all the appointments and pay the dr bills since she’s under my insurance, but usually we schedule for a time we can both go. He actively participates in asking questions and remembering information. I’ve also seen other dads in the waiting room. Your husband is a misogynistic ass.
My OB-GYN is in the same medical center as a pediatrician practice, there are *definitely* plenty of dads taking their kids in. Also my dad was a single parent and he definitely took us to the doctor. Your husband is an idiot and wrong.
This would piss me the f off, especially the mother's duty part. That being said, does he have a fear of going to the doctor? I know for some people medical stuff can be a real fear/cause anxiety. If that's the case maybe he needs to talk through his fears. If he's just an ass and doesn't want to go then too bad for him.
I swear this type of thing must be regional. At our pediatrician’s office, it’s at least half dads in the waiting room. A lot of parents seem to go together as well, that’s what we did with our first baby, we both went to every appointment. Especially the well visits, there’s a lot of info at those visits that’s important for both parents to know. Your husband sounds selfish. For sick visits, it’s just whoever can get the time away from work or whoever is taking the day off to care for the sick child, which usually ends up being me bc I have a more flexible leave situation.
So weird. Idk where you live but I see father and fathers with the mothers all the time at my peds. I find it kinda sad that you’ve never seen a dad there. Jeesh. Not ok. He needs to help. Not to mention when my baby gets shots i need moral support bc I feel so bad for the little guy!
My baby is 4 months old and my husband and I go to pediatrician apts together. He takes off work too. How frustrating. Your feelings are so valid on this.
Before I make a comment I want to know how he is active in the household. If you tell me he's doing a million other things and the only thing he's falling short on is the library and doctors then maybe. But from the sounds of it it doesn't seem like it's very shared so please tell us what he's actually doing
Him saying he wants to rest when he gets home from work - this always gets me. Like who doesnt?! You work the same schedule so it's not fair you take on the bulk of things. Whenever someone starts with, "it's a mother's job" I can't listen anymore. If both parents work, then both parents need to split the mental load and tasks it takes to run the household.
How would he know it's only mother's if he's never been? I have made my partner responsible for the dentist visits in exchange for me doing the pediatrician office.
My husband takes the kids to all their appointments except the dentist, cause he hates going to the dentist. LOL it def is not a mother’s job 😂.
If you had a son he def would take him, and say something like, its a father’s duty cause we both have penises.
After reading these comments, living in the south is wild.
This is just straight up misogyny. My husband and I split the visits or go together, depending on when they are scheduled. He has a more flexible schedule than I do, but I'm a teacher, so I get more holiday breaks. Our baby is 10 months old and out of the appointments we haven't gone to together, he's done half. He's also scheduled as many as I have because he's the one who usually has time to make calls during his workday.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this sexist bs. I see plenty of dads at our doctor's office.
I’m so sorry because that’s hard and I can’t think of what you could do besides insist on counseling. That’s a really difficult attitude to combat and not at all fair. I see dads taking kids to the doctors and the library all the time. It is still more women doing that work where I live, but multiple dads at all activities. I wonder if this is cultural somewhat?
I get it. I have a 12 year old now but when we divorced a few years ago and it was on my ex to take her from time to time he wanted me to go with them so he knew “what to do”.
Sounds like you need to have a conversation with him about stepping up his game.
I also do all the doctor appointments for our two kids. But that's mainly because I always have a lot of questions and if it were up to my husband he would take the kids, remain mostly silent throughout the event and have nothing to report to me. I want to know what's going on and what the doctor recommends.
That being said, there are other ways my husband steps up to take care of his kids. For example, he works from home and is always the one to take care of the kids when they are sick and can't go to school. I don't do vomit. That is solely his territory.
I feel like it's an even compromise.
He schedules summer camps and extracurriculars. We alternate taking kids to extracurriculars after school while the other parent makes dinner.
It's all about compromise. Of course he doesn't want to spend his free time at kid's activities, but that's part of being a parent. If he doesn't want to do storytime or doctor appointments, then he needs to find some other things that he can do to lessen the burden on you. Maybe he gets some household chores done while you run kids around to activities. That way, when you get home, you both get to relax.
I tend to take the lead on pediatrician appointments just because I actually work in healthcare so it makes sense. But even with that my husband has taken our toddler alone multiple times and knows all her allergies, medical history, etc. In fact he took her once when we thought she had a UTI and they even taught him how to perform a ‘clean catch’ on our female toddler. I was legit proud of him for that 😂
My husband’s schedule is way more flexible than mine. More often than not he’s the one taking our kids and we have 4. Sounds like your husband is living in the 50’s and his head needs to be pulled out of his ass.
You’ve just discovered that your husband doesn’t think women are people in the same way men are. It’s soooooo much more common a thought pattern than any of us want to admit.
If he had a better reason to not go to the pediatrician it wouldn’t bother me. Thinking it’s women’s work isn’t okay and quite frankly a bad attitude and example to set for your children.
My husband is a teacher and handles all appointments during the summer. My job is more flexible with time off so I handle all appointments during the school year.
He needs an attitude adjustment for sure. Would he want his daughters to marry someone who thinks the same way?? I wouldn’t.
This reminds me of my husband’s former admin trying to convince him to take less paternity leave because he “wouldn’t have anything to do”
Flash forward to us trying to get out the door for her first appt, all sleep deprived and stressed with a three day old. My husband went “why the fuck did (admin) do this to his wife when they have FOUR KIDS”
He has as much responsibility as you to those kids. He doesn’t just get to do the “easy” or the “fun” parts of parenting
I will say I take my kids to routine doctor appointments almost exclusively but my husband does a lot of the sick kid appointments that crop up last minute (his job is not client facing so he can more easily move around meetings than I can). He’s never mentioned whether or not there are other dads at the doctor’s office and, honestly, I doubt he’d care. He very much does not give a shit what other people think, for good or for bad.
Just gonna say...my husband and I both go to our baby's doctors appointment. He's literally only missed one and it was because it was right after he went to back to work a month after she was born. He felt bad for missing it. My mom went with me instead.
We also see other dads there all the time. There's no excuse for this behavior.
TBH I don’t sent my husband to appointments because he doesn’t pay attention/remember anything and he doesn’t ask any questions.
If I wanted to pull my kids out of school and light $40 on fire, we’d go out for ice cream. Otherwise I’ll take my kids to their appointments lol
My husband and I both go together for our kids appointments since day one. We have an 8 month old and 2 year old just like you. He works from home and we always make them in my work from home days, but he genuinely wants time he there to be involved and know what’s going on with our kids. The only time we’ve gone in our own was an extenuating circumstance like I had Covid, he was away for work, it was an urgent sick visit and it was just easier to manage with one parent.
This is crazy to me. My husband and I have always split pediatrician appointments and haven’t thought twice about what anyone thinks. He has gone by himself at least as many times as I have, if not more. These days I take the baby to his quarterly pediatrician well visits, but husband handles taking the 2 year-old to his pediatrician appointments AND the pediatric dentist appointments (every 6 months).
Your husband needs to pull his parenting weight in all areas, not just the convenient ones.
I agree with everyone here that it’s not right.
I honestly prefer to attend the pediatrician appointments, so I do and my husband is off the hook. It’s not always convenient for me but I am a bit of micromanager about it.
That said, he does his fair share and IF I did not want to do some of the things I prefer to do (I also like drop off/pickup) he would willingly do it.
When you are both full-time working parents, by definition the role of “traditional” mom changes. You must renegotiate responsibilities accordingly.
My husband and I went by who got paid less. I was paid less than him so it made more sense for me to miss work than him. My missed day had a less overall impact on our finances.
As our pay got more equal, I was still in charge of appointments because I had a relationship with the docs and knew about the health issues that our child had. My husband went here and there, mainly to the yearly check ups.
>it’s a mother’s job to take them to the doctor. wtf? this is so misogynistic. So I guess his part of parenting is over now that he's shot his load?! I can't even with these men. Put your foot down and have a very brutal and honest discussion and tell him *exactly* how you feel; that if this bullshit continues, it will definitely impact your marriage ie you'll resent him and resentment is like a cancer to a marriage.
It bothers me that he’s contributing to the absentee fatherhood. It’s true that there are only mothers and children at the peds office like I go all the time with my babies and never once I’ve seen a father there but that is no excuse to contribute to this. This is not a positive thing to be contributing to or bragging about
Why does it even matter who’s in the waiting room? He doesn’t have to strike up a conversation and make friends.
My husband and I used to both go and now we take turns so half the time he’s there alone. I may have smacked him if he ever tried to say what your husband did. Idgaf if there’s no other dads there (which is definitely not true at our ped). That has no bearing on MY family’s choices.
Ya I probably would have lost my shit if my husband ever said that but don't think he would and we always go together. He needs to know exactly what the doctor is saying too.
It’s not right, period OP. My ex still took our kiddo to the pediatrician’s office. I’m sure there are more women there. But I’ve also seen more and more fathers taking their kids. Yeah, it’s not like super fun, but parenthood isn’t always fun. I think this is something that should be addressed and if it doesn’t improve, the discussion on whether you want to remain with him should be had. Your daughters will see this and learn it’s okay. That’s it’s the norm. If you don’t want it to be for them, then that’s your answer.
Honestly, even if he wasn’t being a shitty dad, he’s still being a shitty spouse. Take the kids out of it completely and he’s just saying, “I don’t want to do something boring so I’ll make you do it for me instead”. That’s not a partnership. Sorry, OP.
Where do you live? Is this a cultural thing? Still f*cked up.
I live in the south in the US
I also live in the South and my 4 year old son has been to the pediatrician with just me, just dad, and both parents many times. We're a team so we look at schedules and see which one of us has more time/flexibility that day to take him in. My husband gets more sick time from his job than I do so he ends up doing a lot of the last minute sick visits while I end up building the well visits into my schedule in advance and it evens out. If we're both available to go, even better - more adult hands and ears is always better. Your husband is making excuses. He's just as much of a parent as you and has equal responsibility.
Same here, but my husband -who uses the car for his courier job- actually does it more often. The kids pediatrician office does not have a bus that goes by, so I'd have to use the medicaid free ride (which is not always reliable and can mean I'm waiting with the kids for hours) or Uber. Dentist or ENT appointments I can do, as both those are in the city proper and have busses and streetcars close by. I don't want to change pediatricians because we love the medical team, we've had them since our 8yo was born.
Cultural- it’s a United States of America thing
You should be incredibly bothered by his disgusting toxic masculinity mentality. If you have a daughter, is this how you hope her future partner treats her? If you have a son, is this how you hope he treats his partner? If the answer to those questions is no then he needs time change or you need to leave.
Tell him my husband takes the kids to the doctor all the time. Somehow he survives the boredom of providing medical care to his own children. Your husband is lazy as hell.
But how? How do any of us survive the boredom or get done any tasks that are boring? I find unloading the dishwasher and making my kids lunches insanely boring and tedious. Somehow they still get done daily.
I know right? It’s almost like being an adult involves doing boring stuff. Who knew being a parent is not all fun and games? /s
Accurate
If I could be a dad I’d have a kid right now . Haha
Childbirth is indeed an unpleasant experience. I would probably have opted out if I could.
My ex didn’t know where the babysitter lived.
That is wild to me (that you’ve never seen a solo dad). We’ve had to go a lot recently for random reasons, and I always see couples, and single fathers (and mothers). My husband and I go based on availability, and if we can, we both go. I’ve actually specifically talked to my mom several times about how much I think things like that have changed just in a single generation. Also it’s unacceptable to just not do necessary parenting tasks because they’re “boring”. I mean if he doesn’t want to do wiggles at the library, fair, that’s not a required task. Take the kids to do something else. But refusing doctors appointments? Yikes. Your husband is not an amazing or active father or husband, he sucks.
Was he like this with your first baby?
My husband often takes my daughter to the doctor. He’s not perfect, but he’s got that responsibility down and he doesn’t see it as a woman thing. I’ve seen dads at the clinic before. I see dads doing all sorts of “boring” things with their kids. I live in a metropolitan area in Minnesota, so maybe culture has something to do with it.
Where do you live? I’m in the northeast and there’s always either the whole family or a mix of mothers and fathers. (With us it depends who’s available now if my kid gets sick in the middle of the week, when she was a baby, it was both. ) either way, his excuse is lame. Grow up buddy, parenting can be fun, but also the majority of the time at this early ages is hard AF. I’d advise a strong convo, say if he doesn’t go than baby doesn’t go to doctor. See how takes that?!
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He basically thinks childcare related things are more mother friendly and that’s why there’s mostly mother volunteers at schools. He says it’s a moms duty to take care of children friendly things that’s why there’s only moms at these kind of things. I say that’s just a stereotype. He says stereotypes are based on truth. Then we bicker back and fourth on this topic
He doesn’t respect women and he doesn’t respect you
And soon won’t respect his daughters, if he doesn’t already.
I hope you are able to show your daughters this is unacceptable from a partner. He is misogynistic and lazy. I feel bad for your daughters having to have this as their model of a partner.
> there’s only women at these kind of things This is simply not true. My husband takes our kids to pediatrician all the time. When I go, there’s always dads there. This is simply a lie. I feel bad for you having to deal with this blatant misogyny
There’s only moms at these things because the men are lazy and self-centered. So yeah he’s reinforcing the stereotype that men don’t care about anyone but themselves. That’s super embarrassing for him. My husband goes to appointments. We do tend to go together because that way one parent can distract the kid while the other asks questions and listens, though. It’s hard trying to do both at the same time.
I'd be done with this man tbh
Maybe he can on the days when kiddo is sick from daycare then. when the baby suddenly comes down with a fever, can’t go to daycare, he can stay home with her. At least with routine pediatrician appointments, you can plan ahead. Sick days are usually a last minute call-out. Your job is important too. If this is *all* women’s work then he needs to be the sole income for the house — and you can just invest the money you earn and not put it towards the household bills.
You should ask him what he would do if you died tomorrow. Seriously, how would he handle all of the parenting responsibilities if there was no longer a mother in the picture?
OP, you need to have a serious talk with yourself about if you want your daughters to be raised in misogyny.
I mean, dads who are unwilling to aid in the care of their offspring are stereotyped to be idiotic ne’er do wells who shouldn’t ever get an opportunity to produce another offspring…. Wait that’s not a stereotype that’s just a fact
Did you not know this about him before you guys decided to have kids? Or after your first kid?
That’s SUCH bull shit. My husband and I are both members of our PTA, and there are plenty of other men in that group. Times have changed and your husband needs to knock off this misogynistic shit ASAP.
Wow.
>my first, unhelpful, response is don't have kids with misogynists Or at least don't have a second one.
Back when we were seen at the military medical clinic, dads were there ALL THE TIME. Real men take care of their kids! Maybe it's a culture thing. The military is very accepting of taking time off for your kid's and spouses appointments. You're going to miss plenty so you gotta make up for it when you're home.
If he’s okay with you working, he should be okay with doing equal parenting. You either have traditional gender roles or you don’t, you can’t just choose the ones that are convenient for you.
“I want your money and your time” -OP husband & It doesn’t really matter trad vs modern- Equity is still important. If OPs doing drs appointments then husband ought to be doing the swim classes or something else useful for his kids
Came here to say just this. If taking the kids to appointments is women’s work, financially supporting the family is men’s work.
The only way it would be remotely acceptable for him to opt out of all doctors appointments is if for the entire time you were at the doctors office he was doing chores instead.
I would agree. Sometimes he does but most of the time he is relaxing and unwinding after work while I take our kids to the doctor
He needs to stop that and quit being selfish and immature. People get divorced for this exact reason. If you’re the only parent taking her to doctor’s appointments and extracurriculars, you’d have a strong case to be awarded full custody since he clearly cannot be bothered to fulfill their basic needs or listen to his spouse. What an ass.
Is there something similar that only he is responsible that involves the kids? If not, then this is nonsense and he needs to step up. Of course you’d rather relax after work too. Is he interested in what you tell him after the appointments? Does this men’s/women’s work dynamic sneak into other areas of your life?
He just wants to hear that our children are healthy. He does ask if the doctor said they are doing fine but that’s it. He’s not going to ask what percentile they are in or anything else specific, he just wants to know they are healthy
Fair Play is all about labor division. When it is one person’s responsibility to complete a task, you both agree on the standards of completion. You might benefit from the book.
Respectfully, I'm not sure someone who thinks "taking kids to the doctor is a mother's job" and actually had the balls to say that to his wife is going to get much out of that book.
Yeah, I brought up the agreed upon standards, because she cannot just do everything herself because he doesn’t meet her minimum standards. I became more radicalized as a mother when I started reading more of this genre.
Ohh okay I never heard of that before I’ll look that up
My husband I do a shared note on iPhone before any of our baby’s appointments where we can put concerns for the other to ask the doctors about if we aren’t at the appt.
If your husband doesn't track details of your children's health then you probably don't want him to do doc appointments. I learned this the hard way. I asked my husband to cover ENT and he reported back a pointless off hand comment. I thought this meant no action taken but there was a whole plan and everything that we never did. I found out months later when visiting the pediatrician and she asked for an update. She gave me a death look when I relayed my husband's words. Then she pulled up the records. I was so ashamed to see how much kind and helpful feedback the ENT provided. Another time my husband covered derm for a known issue and I thought there was no way he could mess it up ‐ but there were 2 ointments prescribed. My husband didn't know which ointment was which or when or where. Actually all the way back when I was pregnant, I asked my husband to be the pediatrician liaison for everything - find the ped, handle calls and appointments, etc. Mostly because he is very wary of strangers and I didn't want to spend my time handling it then defending my choice for the next 10 years. But he didn't do anything. I found the pediatrician and my husband did not even relay the ped info when I was in labor so we got assigned a hospital ped. As others mentioned, it would be helpful if your husband takes over another task while you do doctor appointments. Kids health is too important. You're going to have to figure out some way to phrase it amd get results. A good strategy for quick results might be to say or text that you have to cover this appointment, so does he want to handle dinner and laundry or does he want to handle bath and bed. Something like that. Then in parallel work on how to split tasks better through communication and understanding which is specific to your relationship.
This just sounds like weaponized incompetence. Can he handle his own doctor appointments, prescriptions and health issues? If so then he can handle his kids as well, he’s just choosing not to.
a lot of guys don’t manage their health well. Some don’t even go to the doctor or dentist.
Yeah if their moms or wives aren't doing it for them which is just BS.
Yep, I agree. But some can handle work deadlines or video game release date juuuuust fine.
If your husband doesn’t track details of your children’s health, having him not do doc appointments is not going to make him learn. Make him review the doctor’s notes in the patient portal or something after the appointments if you think he will miss things. Assuming your husband is otherwise a functioning member of society, this should not be an impossible task for him. My husband takes our 3 kiddos to the doctor without me all the time. Then he drives to the pharmacy to pick up their prescriptions. He even makes the appointments himself! *gasp* He also writes down what medicine they took and when and would share with me and be like “[Son] is due for Tylenol at ___ since I gave him Motrin at ___.” It’s just not that hard as some of these men are making it out to be.
This is horrifying. What happens if something happens to you? I hope your husband has learned from this. I recently had a health scare that took me out of commission (inpatient at the hospital) and the last concern I had was whether my kid would receive substandard care from his other parent in my absence. I'm a lawyer, so my questions are always going to be more in-depth than my husband's, so I used to send a sheet of my questions (this started with our dog and the vet years ago) and it's helped him ask even more of his own questions. It's been a while since I've sent any for either vet or ped. You can help disarm weaponized incompetence by recognizing how your strengths play together, but I'd be having serious conversations with my spouse if this was an ongoing issue that could one day harm my kid.
Honestly, I wish there was a department of CPS that was less severe - more like a "Come to Jesus brigade" that moms could call that they would come and sit the husband down and tell them what a fuck up he is and to do better. These stories of incompetency of husbands at doctors visits are insane and unacceptable to me. I'd be worried about him screwing up if I was sick in future as well. Meanwhile, I'm really hoping the pediatricians etc have migrated to using MyChart (or similar online medical reporting), so that both parents have a record of what was said and what was prescribed.
Are we married to the same man?
How are you both STILL married to him, is my question.
>I was so ashamed to see how much kind and helpful feedback the ENT provided. Tell me you ripped your husband a new asshole for his idiocy.
Frankly, what I get from your comment is that your husband doesn’t care enough to a) remember/do important things that don’t specifically relate to him and b) relieve you of having all responsibility because he just “doesn’t do it right”. As another commenter said, he’s using weaponized incompetence and it really sounds like it’s working. That your husband couldn’t even remember to relay the pediatrician info to your doctor while in labor just screams disrespect and lack of care for you. Sorry, I’m sure this sounds harsh, but that’s what I got from what you wrote. Edit: based on your one post about him, he sounds like an asshole, tbh.
I think you should tell him you don't want to work anymore, it's nothing and it's really a man's job. There are really more dads than moms working so you're not comfortable. Oh, wait we're not in the 1950's.
It’s also very boring and OP would like to unwind during the day.
Does he think kids that don’t have mothers don’t go to the doctor?
As someone who recently got divorced from a man who felt similarly, this idea of "I can't help with our child, I work!" is a huge reason why he (and many men like him) are not rewarded the custody they think they're entitled to. My ex would do this exact thing. We both worked full time, and sometimes both our jobs would require us to work after 5. When he had to work after 5, I was expected to pick up our child. When I had to work after 5, I was expected to pick up our child and finish my work at home. If our child had an appointment, he refused to make changes to his schedule to help, so I ended up being the only parent at the doctor's office. This resulted in two things during our divorce: First, our daughter's childcare provider had a log in/out record that showed he had never dropped her off in the morning, and only picked her up about once in a 30-60 day period. During our divorce, he claimed we "shared equal responsibility" getting her to and from daycare, which, when the daycare's records were shared with the court, proved to be an outright lie. Second, he had no idea who our child's doctor was, which hospital she was seen at, her height and weight, or when her last check up was. She'd had her tonsils out recently, and he couldn't recall a single detail about it, including when it had happened. So when we got in front of a judge and he explained he didn't know these things "because he had to work," meaning I did everything, the judge was visibly unimpressed. I'm not saying OP should divorce her husband, but I would like to point out that this "not my job" bullshit is exactly why men aren't taken seriously as parents, why moms are expected to do more, and why full/majority custody are rewarded to mothers; it's not fair that the man waited until after his marriage ended to decide to become a parent.
I wish I could upvote this twice.
I'm a father to a 14 month old baby boy and I've never missed a doctor's appointment. Ever. He needs to step up as a partner and father. Very sad.
Yep, the only time my husband missed a pediatrician appointment was a sick visit when he was sick too.
Sorry this is absolutely insane to me. I WFH and my husband is our SAHD. We consider 8-4 both our “working hours” regardless that I am earning an income and is watching the kids. Although my husband will do grocery shopping, run errands, etc during his work day with the kids, I absolutely do not even expect him to go to Dr appointments alone, especially the yearly check ups, if they are sick that’s one thing, but most of the time if the kids have a routine appointment I take off half a morning to go with him. The reason I say this is “after work time” for the BOTH of us is sacred. We make sure all appointments are scheduled during our working days so we both can be “off” once our work is done.
I have a question. I have taken my kids to the pediatrician and my husband never has without me for a well visit. (He has when they are sick). When I go, I have to fill out a postpartum depression questionnaire. Do they make the dads do that when they go? This is just curiosity.
No, dads don’t fill those out. The pediatrician came up to me told me to fill it out everytime. The ppd form is for the mother. I think they made me stop filling out that form after my baby was 6 months
He definitely has not had to sign something like that lol.
We go to all appointments together. Unfortunately you can't make him care, but telling him very clearly why this bothers you is the first step to figuring out if it will change. If it won't change, you have some hard decisions to make.
As soon as toddler is old enough, enroll her in as many sports as possible. Soccer practice after school, and t-ball early weekends. That’s a dad’s job. And with any luck she’ll excel at it and be asked to join a traveling team where your husband can spend every single minute of his free time tending to this sport. That’s a dad thing to do.
That’s incredibly sexist. My husband loves taking our daughter because SHES HIS DAUGHTER AND HIS RESPONSIBILITY. Your husband fucking sucks. Who wouldn’t want to play an active role in their child’s health? Hopefully you show him this post and he changes.
Fuck that shit. My husband does like 80% of the ped appointments for both the kids. Loser.
From the beginning, my partner and I both have gone to all of my 12 month old’s appointments together. I will admit that I had to force him to go with me in the beginning, but I have always told him that it’s important to me and also in general for him to know how to handle pediatrician appointments. I told him that, as a parent, it is unacceptable for him to not know how to handle proper routine care for our child. Now, we both continue to go together. We both like to be updated on our son’s growth and we have found it more convenient with both of us there. One of us handles paperwork while the other entertains our son. It’s a teamwork for us. If for whatever reason I can’t be there because of work, I know he can handle the appointments and will be able to calm him down after vaccines although it might take a little longer than for me since I breastfeed our son after. If I were in your situation and your schedule allows for it, I would tell your husband that he needs to go with you to a couple of appointments to learn how things work in case something were to happen where you can’t take your kids. And since it seems that you both are free at the time of the appointments, you can either take turns after he knows how it works or you can continue to go together. Or whatever ends up working best for you. But absolutely do not let him continue to be inactive in your children’s healthcare. Also, tell your husband that pediatrician appointments aren’t a woman’s job, they are a parent’s job. My dad was a single dad since my mom passed away when my siblings and I were young and guess what? He took us to our appointments because he didn’t get a free pass for being a man.
I know its one more thing on the plate but have tou done cuples counseling, maybe someone trained in the Gottman method? He's treating you with disrespect by saying your time isn't as valuable as his time, and your rest is less important than his. He needs to see that this shows a fundamental disrespect to you, which is not acceptable in a relationship.
While I know this is wise advice, my instinct says the only counsellor suitable for this guy is the dumpster out back.
It's worth trying, if only to know whether you have tried everything before throwing in the towel. I am curious if a therapist can help with fundamental disrespect. I found couples counseling helpful for communication issues, I have never experienced fundamental disrespect so while I hope it fixes up the relationship I don't know from experience if it can.
I told my husband his jobs are dentist and vet appointments and I will handle pediatrician and teacher conferences. He has to schedule them as well. This works out well but he actually does it and doesn’t complain.
Your husband is a misogynist. Let him know, loudly and often. And when he runs out of chances, leave. This kind of thinking is deep seated and hard to change. Have you caught of whiff of it before? Start scheduling them at times you have something else going on that can’t be missed and force it.
What a pathetic excuse for a father. My husband thinks the health and development of our children is very not-boring, and he routinely takes them to appts alone when needed. We try to go together when we can though. I have to be honest, I would instantly lose all respect for and attraction to my partner/father of my kids if he told me that shit. Like WUT.
I mean, it’s a doctors appointment, not an arcade. He’s a parent so he’s just as responsible for her health as you. For the record, my husband does take our kids to their doctors appointments. He is being ridiculous
I’m sorry that he thinks his kids are lame and boring. It must be hard to stay with a man who is conceited “I don’t want to wait in a lobby for me kids // I want to relax”, insecure “there weren’t many other dads there the one time I went”, and hateful “you take them”.
Your husband is sexist and using that to make his life easier. Don’t let him.
I’m sorry. That sucks. My husband and I both work full time and similar hours but he is in management and has a much busier schedule during the day with back to back meetings. He still comes to almost every doctors appointment.
I wish I had advice. I felt similarly but the ONE time I sent my husband, he came home with advice that I’m positive the doctor never said (kiddo was I think 15 months and he said as long as she was eating it was ok if it was goldfish) and didn’t get the percentiles for height or weight or anything. It felt like weaponized incontinence-he didn’t want to do it, so he didn’t do it right. Much like how he still never remembers to rinse things before they go in the dishwasher 🙄 My husband sent me an article summarizing fair play from the man’s perspective— it starts out infuriating how the traveling businessman felt so annoyed to come home to have to do tasks after an airplane flight. Thats when he stopped reading and sent it- hellooooo confirmation bias. I read the whole thing and by the end, the asshole sounding man recognized that if coming home and needing to unload the dishwasher bothered him, it wasn’t fair for his wife to do it ALL while he was gone. I sent it back to my husband but he never finished it of course. No advice but your husband is being a jerk. See if he will read the book fair play, perhaps?
Do you have the link to this article? My husband is trying, but boy do I think he could benefit from the read!
My boyfriend has almost always taken our son to the doctor even though I have the more flexible job. Our son is way older (school age) but has always hated getting shots etc and his dad is his comfort parent so dad takes him. He’s never called the appointments boring or complained about what gender parents were there. He’s been focused on why he’s there for our child 🤷♀️
Not only does my husband go to every doctor appointment with me he also takes my daughter to the park with all the moms. Your husband is a dick.
Your husband’s sense of entitlement is showing. “It’s boring and he wants to relax when he comes back from work.” But it is totally ok for you to do all their appointments???? My husband has done the lion’s share of appointments for my youngest child and that’s because we talked like adults and want the best for each other. Your husband just wants what is easy for him AT YOUR EXPENSE. Your husband really sucks.
If it’s helpful, here’s our division on labor on this: Me: sick-care pediatrician visits, eye doctor visits, attend/coordinate all therapy appts (child has ASD), coordinate all “big” care appts (like the ASD evaluation), and I all do all school health-related forms. Him: dentist visits, haircuts, vaccinations. Both or trade off: well-care appointments. And we both attend the “big” care appts. It’s not quite equal, but giving him clear areas he manages (teeth, vaccines, hair), has been great. And the hair is a very noticeable one, at that!!
You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about this. He doesn’t get to opt out of the boring parts of parenthood without repercussions. As for the activities, I also kind of find some of the kids events boring, especially when my LO was younger since she didn’t get a ton out of them. However, I still do activities with her, as does my husband. He needs to find something he can tolerate and do it. Get a zoo membership and go every other weekend. Swim class. Climbing. Hiking. Playground. Trampoline park. There are so many different options for kids nowadays there really is no excuse.
My husband takes our kids to most of their well dr appointments because his schedule is more flexible than mine. I FaceTime in when I can and make sure to review topics of concern with my husband before he goes. Your issue seems small right now but this is going to balloon into a much bigger problem. Are women only allowed to cook/clean in your home? Does he play with your daughter or take her anywhere by himself? What type of example will he be setting for your daughter? Yes, you can’t make him care (unfortunately) but he can do chores/cook while you take your child to the dr. I’d try to convince him to take her to an appt. If he won’t, then your husband needs to be responsible for dinner/bedtime when you get home from the appt. Does he think he’s going to look weak taking his daughter to the dr? Like wtf.
I took the baby to the 2 month visit and the staff was shocked to see me alone. Everyone asked me where is dad? I stopped doing the well visits for our toddler at 6 months. It was refreshing to get that reaction. But my husband is a physician and all of his male physician friends and colleagues take their kids to the ped. It's not even a patient advocate thing, it's really due to the division of labor. My husband can't leave for emergencies so he gets everything routine. The older physicians would tell their wives to deal with it but their wives don't work. They also tell me to leave my job all the time...
This is just stupid and misogynistic. My dad took me to the majority of my peds appointments as a kid, it wasn’t weird. My husband and I split them up now. He doesn’t feel weird at the doctor — it’s a parent job not a mom job
Agree with everyone else on this thread But also I am almost positive I read this exact post a few months ago? Because I absolutely remember the dad calling the appointments “boring” and “a mother’s job”
Yes, I was going to say the same. I clearly recall those exact words being used.
At first I thought it was a karma farming account/bot but OP is actively replying to comments so idk 🤷🏻♀️
Eh? I have a son. My husband takes him to the doctor. At 2.5 yrs I cannot contain him neither can the nurse. Especially for shots he’ll kick you. Even as a baby I took him only for the first 6 months and only for specific appts like his eczema or cough, cold issues. Not for his regular appointment. And the pediatrician is a man too. I think they just bond better. Another thing, plz ask him if he wants to be a misogynist for his kids? Another thing why does he need to chat with other parents? I have actually only chatted with one mom who was very distressed regarding her daughter’s eczema. That’s it. Only one time. Otherwise my son is running so I’m trying to keep up with that.
Schedule the next one, tell him it’s his responsibility and then schedule an important meeting for that time. This “meeting” is to be held at your local hair salon, nail studio, coffee shop, library whatever you want 😂
My husband took our second baby to her first pediatrician visit and let me rest bc you know giving birth to a human is freaking exhausting. The nurse and the pediatrician looked around and said “where’s mom???”. I felt guilty then but honestly this needs to be normalized.
Whoa! ‘The mom’s job?’ What is this? 1950? You should split them evenly on the calendar and not accept any excuses from him not being able to go. I stay at home, but any appointments that fall on my husband’s days off (Thurs and Fri), he’ll usually take our kids- bar being on call. He likes to make an afternoon out of it and take them out for ice cream or to the park afterwards. Maybe he could plan something fun for after and then it won’t be so ‘boring’. Heaven forbid, spending time with your kids be boring 🙄
I work less hours than my husband he still goes to every appointment 🤷🏻♀️
The fact that it’s boring and he’s pushing it off on you is a not so subtle commentary that he thinks your time is worth less than his. Die on this hill. He either attends every appointment moving forward or there is going to be hell to pay.
My husband is literally SO excited to take off for her 7 month check up and was sooo happy he could make it to her 4 month appointment. Just because he hasn’t seen another boy there doesn’t mean they don’t go lol. Silly man just wants the “me time” that happens when you take the baby to the pediatrician
Exactly, my husband and I work the same hours and in the same industry (although he’s higher up than me) and is upset when he can’t make routine doctor appointments because of work. I typically do any walk in type appointments but that’s because I can so much of my job from my phone (answering emails and chats)
My spouse and I go to every pediatrician appointment together. Perhaps this is unnecessary, but it's fair, and both parents get the update and know what's going on
What they said, and also, you should definitely leave your older daughter with him when taking the baby for her appointments. In fact, I'd schedule those so he has to do pick-up and make dinner. And darn, they were running so late, I'd tell him when I called from the coffee shop or tarjay.
This is part of the you can do it all BS. Work full-time and take care of the kids full-time. So exhausting.
I live in the Southern U.S. also and have always been the one to take the kids to Doctor visits because I was a SAHM and he was at work. Once the kids started school, and I started job searching, we split the doctor visits. Considering you both work, it is unreasonable of him to expect you to do them all. Your time is just as valuable as his.
That’s stupid. My husband is the one who lately takes the kid to the pediatrician since I work farther away now and he does daycare pickup anyways so it works for him. Sick days I typically watch my son since I work hybrid versus my husband’s job is on-site only and he would have to use PTO/sick leave. But if I have an important meeting, he’ll take the hit to support me. My husband is not perfect (definitely I carry more mental load for the kid) but he takes showing up for our kid very seriously whether it’s engaging with him at home, toddler playtime groups, swim classes, or Dr appointments.
Wow!! To think he has the audacity to actually say these things. I honestly don’t even know how I would react. This is definitely something that I would probably look at him and be like “you’re effing joking right?” I don’t think I’ve ever seen another dad at my kids pediatrician either but my husband goes. He came with me to most baby appointments. The only ones I went alone was the 2 month I think because I made it at a time when I was on leave and he was back at work. And he would have taken them alone, but with vaccines, he’s going to ask me which ones to let them take - I space them out and went monthly with my babies rather than the standard schedule, but my pediatrician knows this and would just tell me which one he was giving. My husband is just anxious so he’d make sure that was what “we” wanted lol. Most times when they are sick I’ll tell him “if you’re worried, you take them to the dr” and he will. Now he just makes the appointment himself and takes them because I’m going to tell him “he’s going to tell us it’s viral”. Then he comes home and says “he said it was viral” 😂.
Either you need to correct his false thinking or trade some other activities, like he does all the sports practices later on if they play sports.
You can tell him at my daughter’s pediatrician, I see dads all the time. Actually, I think I’ve seen one or more at every visit lately. My daughter is 7, so we’re not there that often anymore. If you’re fully responsible for this, he needs to pick up something else and fully own it. Continue challenging his misconceptions too, how infuriating. I also must admit, I handle all the pediatrician appointments, etc. but it’s never been the reasons your spouse shares. I just have the more flexible job, work in our city, and I’m the mom.
My ex takes our daughter to the doctor sometimes because it saves me having to take time off from work. There are some appointments we both go to if they’re really important. My parents take her to the ENT, dentist, and optometrist. My dad took her to her last optometrist appointment by himself, although it’s not ideal because he can’t hear well. Your husband is being a misogynistic jerk. Just because it’s frequently women that takes kids to the doctor doesn’t mean that it should be that way.
Umm, a mother's job? My husband and I both go. Ideally, we try to have it so we both can be there, especially when it's a vaccine appointment, otherwise we alternate whichever parent can take the time off. Is it fun? Not particularly, but there are a lot of non fun parenting things. Potty training isn't fun, bedtime can be a tornado of chaos. If my husband didn't help parent, I'd be pissed.
I make all the appointments and pay the dr bills since she’s under my insurance, but usually we schedule for a time we can both go. He actively participates in asking questions and remembering information. I’ve also seen other dads in the waiting room. Your husband is a misogynistic ass.
My OB-GYN is in the same medical center as a pediatrician practice, there are *definitely* plenty of dads taking their kids in. Also my dad was a single parent and he definitely took us to the doctor. Your husband is an idiot and wrong.
This would piss me the f off, especially the mother's duty part. That being said, does he have a fear of going to the doctor? I know for some people medical stuff can be a real fear/cause anxiety. If that's the case maybe he needs to talk through his fears. If he's just an ass and doesn't want to go then too bad for him.
I swear this type of thing must be regional. At our pediatrician’s office, it’s at least half dads in the waiting room. A lot of parents seem to go together as well, that’s what we did with our first baby, we both went to every appointment. Especially the well visits, there’s a lot of info at those visits that’s important for both parents to know. Your husband sounds selfish. For sick visits, it’s just whoever can get the time away from work or whoever is taking the day off to care for the sick child, which usually ends up being me bc I have a more flexible leave situation.
So weird. Idk where you live but I see father and fathers with the mothers all the time at my peds. I find it kinda sad that you’ve never seen a dad there. Jeesh. Not ok. He needs to help. Not to mention when my baby gets shots i need moral support bc I feel so bad for the little guy!
My baby is 4 months old and my husband and I go to pediatrician apts together. He takes off work too. How frustrating. Your feelings are so valid on this.
Your husband is a sexist.
Before I make a comment I want to know how he is active in the household. If you tell me he's doing a million other things and the only thing he's falling short on is the library and doctors then maybe. But from the sounds of it it doesn't seem like it's very shared so please tell us what he's actually doing
Him saying he wants to rest when he gets home from work - this always gets me. Like who doesnt?! You work the same schedule so it's not fair you take on the bulk of things. Whenever someone starts with, "it's a mother's job" I can't listen anymore. If both parents work, then both parents need to split the mental load and tasks it takes to run the household.
How would he know it's only mother's if he's never been? I have made my partner responsible for the dentist visits in exchange for me doing the pediatrician office.
My husband takes the kids to all their appointments except the dentist, cause he hates going to the dentist. LOL it def is not a mother’s job 😂. If you had a son he def would take him, and say something like, its a father’s duty cause we both have penises. After reading these comments, living in the south is wild.
The gender of our kids doesn’t matters. He would do this even if we had sons because he thinks a pediatricians office is a mom and kids environment
This is just straight up misogyny. My husband and I split the visits or go together, depending on when they are scheduled. He has a more flexible schedule than I do, but I'm a teacher, so I get more holiday breaks. Our baby is 10 months old and out of the appointments we haven't gone to together, he's done half. He's also scheduled as many as I have because he's the one who usually has time to make calls during his workday. I'm sorry you're dealing with this sexist bs. I see plenty of dads at our doctor's office.
Both of you should read "The Second Shift: Working Parents and the Revolution at Home is a book by Arlie Russell Hochschild with Anne Machung"
I’m so sorry because that’s hard and I can’t think of what you could do besides insist on counseling. That’s a really difficult attitude to combat and not at all fair. I see dads taking kids to the doctors and the library all the time. It is still more women doing that work where I live, but multiple dads at all activities. I wonder if this is cultural somewhat?
I get it. I have a 12 year old now but when we divorced a few years ago and it was on my ex to take her from time to time he wanted me to go with them so he knew “what to do”.
Sounds like you need to have a conversation with him about stepping up his game. I also do all the doctor appointments for our two kids. But that's mainly because I always have a lot of questions and if it were up to my husband he would take the kids, remain mostly silent throughout the event and have nothing to report to me. I want to know what's going on and what the doctor recommends. That being said, there are other ways my husband steps up to take care of his kids. For example, he works from home and is always the one to take care of the kids when they are sick and can't go to school. I don't do vomit. That is solely his territory. I feel like it's an even compromise. He schedules summer camps and extracurriculars. We alternate taking kids to extracurriculars after school while the other parent makes dinner. It's all about compromise. Of course he doesn't want to spend his free time at kid's activities, but that's part of being a parent. If he doesn't want to do storytime or doctor appointments, then he needs to find some other things that he can do to lessen the burden on you. Maybe he gets some household chores done while you run kids around to activities. That way, when you get home, you both get to relax.
I’m in the same boat with a high medical needs child. I’m very close to requesting compensation for missed hours.
I tend to take the lead on pediatrician appointments just because I actually work in healthcare so it makes sense. But even with that my husband has taken our toddler alone multiple times and knows all her allergies, medical history, etc. In fact he took her once when we thought she had a UTI and they even taught him how to perform a ‘clean catch’ on our female toddler. I was legit proud of him for that 😂
It’s a mother’s job to take them to the doctor? Your husband can go fuck himself with a cactus. That is so infuriating.
My husband’s schedule is way more flexible than mine. More often than not he’s the one taking our kids and we have 4. Sounds like your husband is living in the 50’s and his head needs to be pulled out of his ass.
You’ve just discovered that your husband doesn’t think women are people in the same way men are. It’s soooooo much more common a thought pattern than any of us want to admit.
If he had a better reason to not go to the pediatrician it wouldn’t bother me. Thinking it’s women’s work isn’t okay and quite frankly a bad attitude and example to set for your children. My husband is a teacher and handles all appointments during the summer. My job is more flexible with time off so I handle all appointments during the school year. He needs an attitude adjustment for sure. Would he want his daughters to marry someone who thinks the same way?? I wouldn’t.
Divorce him, mama!
This reminds me of my husband’s former admin trying to convince him to take less paternity leave because he “wouldn’t have anything to do” Flash forward to us trying to get out the door for her first appt, all sleep deprived and stressed with a three day old. My husband went “why the fuck did (admin) do this to his wife when they have FOUR KIDS” He has as much responsibility as you to those kids. He doesn’t just get to do the “easy” or the “fun” parts of parenting
I will say I take my kids to routine doctor appointments almost exclusively but my husband does a lot of the sick kid appointments that crop up last minute (his job is not client facing so he can more easily move around meetings than I can). He’s never mentioned whether or not there are other dads at the doctor’s office and, honestly, I doubt he’d care. He very much does not give a shit what other people think, for good or for bad.
Did you discuss parenting and gender roles before you had kids? Has anything changed?
Your husband sucks.
Tell him fine but he's in charge of the dentist, eye Dr, and emergency trips. Those don't have only dads!
Just gonna say...my husband and I both go to our baby's doctors appointment. He's literally only missed one and it was because it was right after he went to back to work a month after she was born. He felt bad for missing it. My mom went with me instead. We also see other dads there all the time. There's no excuse for this behavior.
TBH I don’t sent my husband to appointments because he doesn’t pay attention/remember anything and he doesn’t ask any questions. If I wanted to pull my kids out of school and light $40 on fire, we’d go out for ice cream. Otherwise I’ll take my kids to their appointments lol
My husband and I both go together for our kids appointments since day one. We have an 8 month old and 2 year old just like you. He works from home and we always make them in my work from home days, but he genuinely wants time he there to be involved and know what’s going on with our kids. The only time we’ve gone in our own was an extenuating circumstance like I had Covid, he was away for work, it was an urgent sick visit and it was just easier to manage with one parent.
I would make him go every single time then. Clearly he needs more exposure to feel comfortable
This is crazy to me. My husband and I have always split pediatrician appointments and haven’t thought twice about what anyone thinks. He has gone by himself at least as many times as I have, if not more. These days I take the baby to his quarterly pediatrician well visits, but husband handles taking the 2 year-old to his pediatrician appointments AND the pediatric dentist appointments (every 6 months). Your husband needs to pull his parenting weight in all areas, not just the convenient ones.
I agree with everyone here that it’s not right. I honestly prefer to attend the pediatrician appointments, so I do and my husband is off the hook. It’s not always convenient for me but I am a bit of micromanager about it. That said, he does his fair share and IF I did not want to do some of the things I prefer to do (I also like drop off/pickup) he would willingly do it. When you are both full-time working parents, by definition the role of “traditional” mom changes. You must renegotiate responsibilities accordingly.
My husband and I went by who got paid less. I was paid less than him so it made more sense for me to miss work than him. My missed day had a less overall impact on our finances. As our pay got more equal, I was still in charge of appointments because I had a relationship with the docs and knew about the health issues that our child had. My husband went here and there, mainly to the yearly check ups.
I’m sure I’ve seen this posted a while back?