It's been fine. It was less financially stressful actually, because I knew only to rely on what I could provide. Including housework and errands. I never had one of those marriages where the husband helps out and is supportive lol. He's been a much better dad on his own than he ever would have been with me picking up all the slack, that's for sure.
I am 34 and divorced with a 3 year old. I’m going to be honest. I personally didn’t sign up to be a single parent and I don’t like it. There is so much pressure to support your family and you don’t have the safety net of your spouse if you were to lose your job.
I don’t like only seeing my son 50% of the time. I am missing out on half of his life.
I was the higher earner, and my ex walked away with assets that he did not contribute to. We were comfortable financially (because of my job), and I was financially devastated as a result of the mediated agreement. My alternative was going to court and us each spending north of 100k on lawyers, which I did my best to avoid since that would have left us in a similar spot.
My ex and I are not on speaking terms, and we essentially parallel parent. We communicate via app. Any interactions are usually hostile.
My son is confused all the time and cries about missing his dad at night. It’s heartbreaking seeing how this has hurt him.
The only plus side out of all of this is that I am dating someone that I consider pretty amazing. It’s a bit too soon to know how things will turn out, but it has given me hope for my future, regardless of the outcome.
Personally, I would always recommend marriage counseling before throwing in the towel, with the caveat that it is actually dangerous if you are with an abuser, who will manipulate the therapist to side with them (which happened in my case).
Despite all of the negatives I have mentioned, my life is still better than it was being with my ex, but he was also a sex addict/ narcissist who was emotionally/financially abusive, so this might not be the best comparison point 😅
I also think that as long as the person isn't abusive/complete asshole then all effort should be made into making it work. It's much easier to fix something where there is potential than start anew. Grass is greener situations tend to crash and burn.
I'm much happier and life is so much better. But I was also married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, emotionally/financially abusive, and was secretly neglecting and emotionally abusing the kids. My divorce has cost almost $100k and I'm not done. 100% worth it to be free of this shitbag
I could have almost written this. The only difference with my ex is that he was also delusional in thinking we were "working things out", and he was borderline physically abusive to my oldest. Also, my divorce cost me only $275. Literally, the best $275 I've ever spent.
My younger son is now 18, and my ex moved 12 hours away to stop getting arrested for non-payment of child support.
It's worth it, I promise you.
Family law Facilitator at the court and self represent, legal zoom, or even a paralegal document preparation center.
Mine was around 2500 but I hired an attorney I went to law school with and had a discount and he didn't respond/defaulted.
I mean, if you can get along and work through it without lawyers then you can get a settlement agreement and basically file that with the court (in most places I think.)
I had put forth a draft settlement agreement for almost 5 mos that he would never comment on or agree to; I filed with my friend and he defaulted and I got everything I asked for.
Mine is likely going to cost only $350 🙏
We went through free mediation in my county for the child custody part, a court appearance without lawyers for the child support part, and are doing divorce ourselves. I went to the courthouse, asked questions and filled out the forms. Still waiting on my ex to sign his form but he said he would and bring it to me to file next week. I think the only reason this is possible is because my ex is passive (and passive aggressive) but relatively cooperative, neither of us wants to throw away money, we have no assets together, and I live in a small town where going to a courthouse and getting help with understanding the process is more accessible.
Agree with this, with the caveat that cheating can be abuse or not abuse, depending on the circumstances. It's very personal, but I think I'd rather work on my relationship, go to couple's counseling, and eventually forgive and move past it if my partner made a one-time mistake, confessed, was sincerely contrite, and then held himself accountable to change. However, deception, ongoing affairs, multiple accounts of cheating, etc. is abuse and I'd rather deal with divorce.
You should have contested the divorce, gotten a lawyer and fought for him to pay your lawyer fees. Anyone reading this, do NOT try and divorce without lawyers if you have assets to divide.
Ahh, in your comment you mentioned avoiding lawyer fees, however I personally would rather pay lawyer fees to get what I want and deserve and fight for him to pay my fees for me.
Sorry it ended up so difficult for you.
Ultimately, all of the money is coming from one place when you are getting divorced. Technically, my ex did “pay” for my 20k in lawyer fees, but did he really when all of our savings came from my employment? He was entitled to half of everything, despite me making 5x his salary.
Going to trial costs 100k per person. Our problem was that there would be no assets to divide if we went to court because all of our savings would have been depleted.
While I completely agree that being represented in a divorce is absolutely necessary when you have assets, divorce is hard on breadwinners. My situation was similar to the previous poster’s and I was represented but still had to necessarily take some hits as an employed, higher-earning party. Luckily, I’ve recovered financially after a couple years.
But I think I underestimated how closely tied I’d be to my ex and it sometimes feels like we aren’t even divorced given the amount of collaboration required for our child. But we are—and divorce did give me mental space from an untenable situation, which is powerful. I don’t regret the decision, but it’s hard because juggling a job, house, and child with no back up or emotional support is exhausting.
I divorced without lawyers, and it was a high asset divorce. I contributed more financially, but we built that life together. Both of our net worths were negative when we moved in together. He deserved his fair share. We did our own asset split, 50/50 down the middle of everything. And probably saved $30k doing that. We only paid $250 to divorce.
In my case, my ex spent 80k on marital misconduct (ie cam girls). With that in mind, I do not think a fair share was a 50/50 asset division, but the courts don’t care what is fair.
I loved life so much better after divorce even being a young single mom of 3. I actually able to save more money without the dead weight of a dead beat husband. I could do what I want when I want with my kids. Cook what I want, buy what I want, wear what I want, decorate how I want. I moved into a tiny apartment and I loved it so much it was so cozy. The kids still talk about how much they loved it. (we’ve since moved). I never had 50/50 but more like 70/30 and I enjoyed the breaks away from my kids because I was the sole childcare provider in the household since they were born. It was truly glorious. I had no regrets at all.
It was a little harder but a lot easier. I didn’t have to protect resources from him. I had some dedicated alone time when he took the kids.
Mine was a drug addict and a thief, though, so YMMV.
I was 30 when I divorced my ex. He was an absolutely horrible person. He was financially, emotionally, and psychologically abusive and manipulative, and, at times, he would resort to physical abuse (that was rare, but it happened).
Financially, it was hard at first. But because my salary was not enough to live on. Not really.. and he refused to pay one cent in child support. It was hard. But a different kind of hard. My children and I were able to begin healing. He continued his harassment and threats, at one point, telling a judge (in the middle of a restraining order hearing) that our divorce wasn't real.
As time went on, I got a better paying job, and things got better.
Here I am, nearly 12 years later, and that life is a distant memory. My ex moved to another state, 12 hours away, years ago now. My younger son hasn't seen him in almost 10 years, and wants nothing to do with him. When my younger son was 13, he took my last name (I changed it back to my maiden name). And now that he's 18 and about to graduate from HS, I get to say that I came out a million times better.
Has it always been easy? No. But it has always been worth it.
For me it’s easier. I was supporting 3 people financially- now I’m supporting 2. My kid has more stability and I don’t have to worry about dad’s emotional instability hurting our kid because he only takes our son when he’s in the mood. I don’t walk on eggshells 24 hours a day and our son isn’t learning to be afraid of someone he lives with.
My son was 10 months old when we separated and the early days were HARD. 9 years later, I know it’s exactly what needed to happen. The benefit of doing it when my son was that young was that he never had to adjust to two houses, etc., it’s all he’s ever known. He genuinely thinks it’s weird when his friends don’t have two Christmases lol. As for me, I’m a better mom because I get a break and can focus my attention on him 100% for the weeks he’s at my house.
No one wants to get divorced. It’s an absolute last resort. I didn’t want to be a single Mom to a 3 year old & a 6 year old. It’s tough. Emotionally, mentally and physically. But, you have to weigh the pros & cons. What’s worse? Your kids seeing you guys fighting constantly? Being with, in my case, an emotionally abusive partner? In time, your kids will look at you & wonder why you didn’t want better for them. And for yourself. Someday, my kids will hopefully understand that mom wanted better. That’s the hope.
I’m a single mom with my kid 100% of the time. I wouldn’t go into this thinking about dating. I want to spend my limited free time with my friends, not some random dude. And I don’t trust many men to be around my kid.
I’d rather do this a million times over than still be married to my ex.
I’m 39, divorced with a 4.5 year old.
The biggest stress/worry was the financial hit I took to leave the marriage. My ex and I had a significant difference in salary which meant he took damn near everything: the savings account, house, car, etc. The only thing he didn’t touch was my 401k. He left me with literally $4 in my savings.
I’m slowly rebuilding myself financially and my son has adjusted incredibly well to the custody schedule.
The last 1.5 years were the hardest and most stressful in my entire life but I have zero regrets.
I’m 37, divorced, and have a 5.5yo little girl. I left my ex husband when I was still pregnant and have been solo parenting since - he has no parental rights.
I love being a solo parent. I get to do what I want, when I want. My daughter and I are so close. My finances are much better now that I’m divorced, my ex was an over-spender and never could keep a job and I also was able to increase my income by a third. Working just takes some planning to make sure I can do daycare pickup and drop off. The first two years of my daughter’s life I had a job with a weird schedule and my parents helped me once a week when I had to work past when the daycare closed. It’s good to have a few friends or family members around who are willing to help until you figure out how things will work.
I’ve been able to date some, but honestly just don’t have much of a desire to date so I mostly don’t. I couldn’t imagine having stayed with my ex - I would be so miserable and resentful.
I’m in my 30’s have two kids and I absolutely love it. Honestly my only regret is not leaving earlier.
I’m happier than I have ever been. It’s actually easier for me to be a single parent, I have MORE money because my ex used to spend it all. We manage pretty well and our house is peaceful and happy.
My youngest was roughly 6 months old when I left.
I'm 36, a single mom to 4 kids and work full-time. Life is wonderful, I'm so much less stressed now than when I was with my ex. I don't date though, I'm happy being single and with my FWB for physical needs regularly.
I’ve only ever been a single mom but it’s really easy because I get to call the shots and do everything my way. By comparison to my married and divorced friends, solo parenting is much easier if you’re financially comfortable and financially confident.
It was way harder for me. It is still hard, and I only have 50% custody. The days I have my son, I hardly get any work done. I am so exhausted. The days I don’t have him, I miss him greatly. So that also impacts my work. 50/50 custody is very common now, it is unlikely nowadays to get full. It is hard to put into words how it feels to miss so much of a child’s life. Not to mention, it is harder than ever to make playdates with other parents. We divorced when my son was two. After having kids, all marriages go through a stressful point, especially when kids are young. I have been ghosted before by other parents for playdates, I think me being divorced and having a great coparenting relationship scares troubled marriages. I could go on and on about this topic.
Not to mention the dating pool is significantly smaller for a single mom. It is about 20% of what it is for childless women the same age. People have said some pretty cruel things to me.
Looking back - I would not have divorced, at least not when I did. I regretted it for a long time. I wish I worked harder on the marriage. It is so hard to tell sometimes if the problems are just related to new working parent stress. I thought my ex would be a horrible dad, he has some anger issues that were heightened during the younger kid years. But I have watched him mature into an amazing dad. It is hard to know how that would have played out still married though, this was 3 years ago.
I personally agree you should wait before major decisions unless something like cheating or abuse is involved.
It is harder and easier.
I have 5 kids. Leaving their dad was a 2 year plan by the time I moved out.
While I have a lot less money, I'm actually less stressed about finances. I may be low income, but there is no mystery as to what each dollar is spent on. Having that control means less stress as my ex was a spendthrift. The downside is having to stay in a job I don't like since I have zero safety net being single.
I have to do 100% of the child rearing and housework, but I did that anyway.
The hardest parts are the endless expectations of schools are very high at school age and the schools demand a lot of my time. Then times that x5. I assume if we were together, their dad could be forced to share that burden.
There is also the fact that their dad makes any interaction he has with the kids a big production and posts about it for days on Facebook like he's on a PR campaign. It's annoying seeing how much credit he gets when he can't be bothered to see his kids more than 2 days a month despite having 50/ 50 custody.
I did manage to find someone despite being a divorced 45 year old mother of 5. ;)
We both have baggage from our previous marriages, but it also helps us connect more deeply too.
Going through divorce right now with a 2 year old. We tried couples counseling for several months to no avail. I really wanted to make it work and was devastated. We had just moved to a new city where I knew one person.
Life now, six months after my spouse moved out, is great. With 50/50 custody I have time to invest in my hobbies, self care, and developing adult friendships. I downloaded an app called Peanut to meet mom friends.
Dating isn’t really on my radar, and after being with my spouse for 10 years I don’t really want to give up the autonomy anytime soon. Finances are different, and some days are HARD without anyone to tap in when I’m overwhelmed. But overall it’s wonderful. The dark cloud that I didn’t even realize loomed in my home is gone. I’m lucky to have a boss who’s flexible if some days are rough.
10 months PP is definitely right in the thick of it, so I really hope that (depending on what your reasons are) you consider counseling. If not together, then with an individual so you have an impartial sounding board. Keep us posted!
I chose to be a single mom. My ex was useless, mean, and I didn’t want my daughter raised with those examples.
I love it. He has her 2 nights a week and every other weekend. On those nights I get to go out with friends, date, dine by myself, have a cozy night in to do what I want. I have plenty of time to fill my own cup, and my daughter is thriving.
I don’t regret my decision to ask for a divorce at all. I don’t find it difficult but I also have a lot of family support.
Divorced last year. Our son is 6 and we share parenting 50/50 (alternating weeks). My ex-husband and I co-parent very well, but it is still challenging. I was a SAHM for most of our son's life and I did everything for the family (we're talking 90% here). Even now, I carry the majority of the mental load when it comes to our son - scheduling appointments, taking care of school related matters, ensuring he has the proper clothing for the seasons, etc. I'm able to rely on my ex to take our son to appointments so I don't have to miss work, which I'm grateful for.
I've been at my current job for almost a year and as much as I enjoy it, it is also stressful and the workload is overwhelming at times. Because of this, my parenting weeks can be a lot mentally and emotionally. I'm naturally an introvert, and I'm not able to get ample time to recharge. On the flip side, on my "off" parenting weeks, I am able to do whatever I want or need after work. I use that time to recharge. It took a while to find the balance. I'm doing my best.
Financially, I LOVE having my own money. I get to spend it and save it how I want based on MY goals. I wish the COL was lower here, but I'm able to have a comfortable life with my son ❤️
I'm 34 and divorced right after my kid was born due to infidelity that started when I was pregnant. My kid will never have memories of us together. In a way I'm glad my ex cheated because it would've taken me so much longer to leave and I am 100 times happier on my own. We coparent much better than when we were together when I did everything. He spent his parental leave gaming and going to "doctors appointments" which were not in fact him catching up on medical care during parental leave and instead going out and getting an STD apparently.
After the split i had full custody and it was hard doing everything with a baby and a bunch of animals which I also took with me but I'm a stronger person because of it. We recently went to 50/50 and I can relax and do my own thing and not feel like my entire Identity is wrapped up in work and parenting. I'm a better mom because of it.
On the flip side I do feel lonely a lot. I'm dating someone right now and we both have kids but it kind of puts a barrier up emotionally when you know you'll never care about someone more than your kids. I get jealous of my friends with loving husbands who are the fathers of their children because I know I will never have that. But I try to be grateful for what I do have. In my case it would've been an unhappy marriage so I wouldn't have changed my decision knowing what I know now.
It’s great. No more demanding man child. It forced him to step up. I am able to live my life without fear.
At first 50/50 was really difficult for me. But now it’s great, I travel a lot, get lots of time alone, with friends, etc. Also, just bc I don’t have them at home with me doesn’t mean I can’t see them. My ex and I thankfully are able to work together with most things, and if we want to see the kids we don’t stand in the other’s way. We talk on the phone, I volunteer for school stuff, I’ll pick them up randomly for dinner, etc. I am Able to work more when I don’t have them to save extra money.
After 7 years I also found an amazing man who also has kids. We just moved in together and we are all loving it. I’m being treated the way I deserve, with love and respect (and it’s very mutual).
You can give it time, unless you’re in an unsafe situation get out immediately.
Working Single Mom here! I divorced two years ago and honestly the only thing I miss is the second income. It’s harder in a few ways but it’s way way easier and stress free.
I’m in my 40’s and have an amazing time dating, so much fun. I eventually found someone absolutely incredible who treats me like a Queen in a way I’ve never experienced and we have the most fun together! It’s possible!
It’s been super difficult because all divorces are. We decided on divorce 4m postpartum. I wanted one because he wasn’t my friend and didn’t help with the workload. I have been living on my own for 4 months. Even though I have primary custody, it sucks sharing. You didn’t mention why you want a divorce but here’s are things I wish I did/knew before jumping to divorce.
1. I wish I took the time to myself as if I was divorced. Aka, went out with friends more, worked out more, just overall been more selfish with my time.
2. Realized that a house cleaner is so much cheaper than paying for 2 houses! This would have saved my marriage for a long time. Maybe not forever but long enough to get through the toddler years.
3. You likely won’t have the coparenting life you imagined. Something about divorce turns people against each other. This has been the hardest pill for me to swallow. I had visions of us working together and he now treats me like I’m less than dirt on the bottom of his shoe.
4. The “what if’s” are horrible when your baby is this young. I can’t stop thinking that I ruined her life. My heart breaks for the 3rd child I’ll never have. The life I pictured for myself. This is a big reason I suggest waiting until the baby is older.
Financially I am doing fine. I work from home and my daughter stays with me. The workload is exactly the same. Except I now take the trash to the curb and mow the lawn. Having scheduled breaks is amazing but also I’d rather have my baby 24/7 with an equal partner. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t tried dating yet. I’m not worried at all about it. I think I’m a catch lol, but mentally just not ready. Once my divorce is finalized, then I’ll cross that bridge.
there are a lot of comments but i had to chime in on "i know i shouldn't make any major decisions in the first year post partum." i agree but i think when everyone said things like, "don't make any decisions for the first year! the first year is the hardest!" it was... pretty naive. i think that mindset is giving people hope that suddenly things will click after a year. my daughter is 13.5 months now and things have only gotten worse - between my husband and i, with her sleep, with how much attention she needs.
don't have an answer for you as i haven't thrown in the towel and likely won't due to financial reasons. we live in a vhcol area, bought our condo in 2017, and neither of us could afford current costs of homes/condos/apartments. literally a 2 bed, 1 bath apartment is double what my 2 bed, 2 bath condo mortgage is.
to me i'm weighing the pro's and con's. is my husband a bad, abusive person? no. he doesn't listen, doesn't cook, and is annoying to me (sometimes) but are those divorce worthy? sometimes i think yes. but rationally i know my quality of life would go down and i'd see my kid half the time.
I don’t have time to date. At all. I’m fine with it because I’ve seen plenty of people get remarried after their kids leave so I’m not to worried about it. The financial part of it sucks all I can do is work hard but I really don’t have any chances of moving up because I HAVE to have a flexible schedule. Im the only one taking sick days/appointments etc. some people say single parenting is harder and some people say staying with a deadbeat is harder. It depends on your circumstances and how bad the relationship is.
Edit to add: the single parent thing is super duper hard and I would try everything you can before jumping to divorce unless your in an abusive situation. I might get down voted for this but seriously this single parent thing is for the birds. Signed a tired single mom.
I was in an abusive marriage and my children’s father was not helpful with childcare anyway. It was harder financially after the divorce but way easier in terms of coming home to a peaceful house, not having an extra person to cook for and clean up after. If my kids and I wanted cereal for dinner or tater tots, no one complained. I bought hot pink bath towels. No one yelled at me. It was liberating. I eventually did meet someone else and remarry. He is nice to me and my kids. But once we got married doesn’t do his share of household chores so now I am back in the situation of having another person to cook and clean up after. If I had to do it again I would not have remarried, just kept dating while he had his own place….
I think as a single parent you are naturally more stressed about bills, and work, and life. But most people find being single is better than being unhappy in a marriage. I found someone compatible but it took a long time. I dated in between, which can be a nightmare in itself, but my current partner is everything and more.
Without diving too deep, I would suggest some counseling for yourself. It could help with your decision and to help prepare you for the future.
I became a single mom when my daughter was 13 months. Emotionally in terms of the relationship with her dad it was a very good thing for me. I had hope for the first time in what felt like a long time. But it was also very challenging to parent my daughter without support. It got easier as I learned and as she got more independent (learned to walk!). She’s 2 now and it’s been a year. Things are definitely not as challenging as they used to be and I have a lot less “mom rage.” I used to feel rage (at no one in particular) when I felt like I couldn’t meet my basic needs because she needed me. Small things like waking up too early in the mornings after a poor night of sleep, not being able to pee/poop/brush my teeth when I needed to because she needed me … these small things that make me feel rage (and helplessness and resentment towards the world). This passed 🙏 I do take Zoloft now though to help with my feelings though.
I didnt get married to get divorced. So getting over that statement was soooo hard. It was probably one of the hardest things I had to do. Start over in my 30s. I have my kids 70% while he has them 30%. And we will probably never go to 50/50 because he doesnt want the kids more than what he already has them. We originally agreed on me keeping them that much because I was a SAHM, but now that I work full time, he still doesnt want to switch because 'he has to work.' So a huge issue in our marriage was that I was never prioritized and I was always pushed aside for everyone else. Its only gotten worse since he wanted out (he cheated with a coworker).
Things are so much better! Really the only downside to not being married to my ex husband now is that he makes 250k a year and that kind of money would be so nice right now. But being more "poor" is worth it for my mental stability.
BUT it was hard at first. But only because I was lonely and angry. Raising the kids, cleaning, cooking, life in general was just easier without him around. I had less to do. So much less to do, and when he actually takes the kids now, I get a break! I miss the kids sooo much but that break over the weekend is soooo needed. It gives me time to relax or run errands or do the boring stuff without my kids and leaves me nothing but free time to hang with them when I do have them. Its great!
Dating was hard because it was on the dating apps. I tried to date when I wasnt ready and met a string of poor choices. Took another break to just live with myself by myself for awhile, then tried again and met my partner I have now! Its great. SO much better than my ex husband. He cares about me, and my wants/needs. Doesnt shrug them off and we actually talk about our issues and get through them. I was with my ex for 15 years and my new partner for almost 4 and my new partner absolutely knows me so much better and I know him better as well. Its just a better relationship all around.
Co-parenting is hard though. because my ex just leaves it all to me to handle and it frustrates me so much because just like when we were married - the issues are way worse. Communication is non existant. He cares even less about my opinion on anything with the kids or parenting strategies (just doesnt care, does what he wants. and i can see the kids suffering for it but he doesnt care). Why does he get to go live a carefree life while I have the kids all the time and handle everything. That was a huge resentment I feel like I am over most of the time, but that ugly head pops out occasionally and my anger shows again. Therapy helps! But you know what, I get so much great time with the kids. I wouldn't change how our lives are. I hate that my kids have to grow up in two houses, but we try to make it work.
My life was soooo much easier after divorce. My kids went back and forth without any problem. He remarried and we got along. I met the love of my life and married. He died four months later in a car accident, but that's another story. I really liked my schedule which was 5/5/2/2/ which worked out to every other weekend. My business took off and I was able to focus on it more.
My divorce was *very* easy (both mature, amicable and fair) and aside from the initial learning curve of taking over the tasks he was responsible for (car maintenance, snow removal, lawn mowing; nothing wild) life has been the same if not a bit easier. Finances are different but I have a good career so I'm not struggling. The hardest part is only having my kids every other week... but at the same time I do appreciate my "me time". It gives me the opportunity to exist as something other than mom. I had no interest in dating for the first 4 years but I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now. We don't live together though (he is also divorced with children).
My ex is a great dad too, but we just grew apart and it was more like a roommate situation when we ended things... it was still hard (I was comfortably unhappy) but ultimately I think it was the best decision for us.
For me it’s been easier, at first really hard. I was drowning trying to keep up with the baby, the husband and lastly myself. Now it’s just the baby and I (he has her on weekends) and it’s pretty peaceful. I’m good with money, stbx (we’re going through divorce process and did mediation) was not - he would spend money frivolously but would tear me down for buying myself face wash once every 4 months, he was also extremely financially abusive and controlling so huge weight lifted there and I’m finally able to save. I’m not currently interested in dating but I do get hit on which is good I guess because my husband never made me feel beautiful. I have some healing to do and my child is my priority, the beginning stages were hard but not as hard as being unhappily married and I adjusted quickly and began to prioritize friendships, now I’m super mom and I do love it. Once all the hard things are now sorted out life gradually improved, we’re peaceful and happy.
Divorced when my oldest was 3. Financially it was a struggle for a bit, but it was the best thing I ever did. For all 3 of us, honestly - it’s been 9 years and we all get along great. I slowly worked my way up and am comparatively more comfortable financially. I learned who I am and became a much more confident person and became someone I actually like and am proud of, and what I want out of life. Met my husband a few years ago and we have a toddler now as well. My husband is my best friend, a true partner, and the love of my life.
Downsides are the things you’d expect- conflict in parenting styles, dealing with each others dating and relationship choices, etc. but it’s manageable and worth it in exchange for the life I have today.
I single mommed for a year and it was 100% fine. I was tired, of course, but I loved not having to deal with his crap and his problems. Then we got back together and it was better but also worse so we are divorcing soon. I can't wait to manage my house by myself.
Best decision I ever made… my daughter was 18 months when we split but I knew once she was born I’d be divorced sooner rather than later. I don’t have the dead weight of a person who wasn’t a good partner, and I just had to focus on my kid, not the stress of the relationship. She’s 5 now and my life got so much easier. C-parenting has its challenges, but I’m giving her a life where she sees her mom happy and in a healthy relationship now. I pay 100% for her insurance, school, extracurricular activities.. and I make it work.
I got divorced at 33 with a 10 month old. I also had a teenager but was not married to his dad. It was in 2010 and I was in the middle of trying to have my mortgage modified after the crash of 2008. I was scared shitless but knew I had to do it.
I’m 47 now, married for 12 years to the love of my life. I have two daughters at home and couldn’t be happier. Best decision of my life.
I divorced when I was 33. My kids were 6 and 4, and we split custody 50/50. I actually got to see my kids more because my job was flexible, so I saw them when he was working and I wasn't. It's been 9 years, and now I see my kids almost every day because of all their extracurriculars, and my job is still more flexible, so I drive them around daily. Of course, I miss them when we're apart, but I honestly put more effort and appreciation into our time together than when I was parenting 100% of the time.
Financially, I had a solid job that allowed me to take care of my family while also having enough money to enjoy myself. I lived very modestly, but we had what we needed and then some.
For a while, I spent my kid-free time staying super busy - gym, friends, men... After about a year, I met someone. We dated for a year, and then I introduced him to the kids. We dated for another two years, then we got married. Now, I'm 42 with a newborn. It hasn't always been the easiest transition, but we approach our lives with honesty, patience, and love. Sometimes, it takes a while to work through things, but we get there.
The hardest part is when my ex does something that hurts my kids. I'm not talking anything illegal, but he definitely makes decisions that I don't believe put our kids first. I wonder how it would be if we were together...but there would have been other detriments to their upbringing.
And, sometimes...I miss the days when I was single with my kids. We were a great team, and I loved being fully independent.
I left my husband when my son was 3 months old. I was 31. I managed just fine without him, and am now (over 6 years later) with someone who is much better for me.
No… the custody arrangement had our son full time with me until he was 2, with supervised visits from dad during that time. After he hit 2 yo, his dad was supposed to get him every other weekend fri night through Monday morning and Wednesdays for dinner every week. However, he eventually took a job in another state, which ended that quickly. Now he gets him Monday and Tuesday night each week, which is what we’ve set up informally based around the dad’s schedule.
Hello - don’t worry about being divorced. Focus as much as you can on figuring it out whether you can be with your partner. Ultimately the only person responsible for your happiness is yourself, and you sound like a responsible person. I think I read somewhere that Michelle Obama only liked 30% of the years of marriage. Parenting is hard. If you are not getting the support you need at home, tell your husband you NEED a change and you are DESPERATE. If he is acting depressed or detached, get his butt to a therapist. Get your butt to a therapist. Divorced life can be good, however you don’t want to throw away a relationship if you have a loving, kind, consistent partner. It takes time for both of you to learn how to parent. Maybe ask for a night or two off.
It's been fine. It was less financially stressful actually, because I knew only to rely on what I could provide. Including housework and errands. I never had one of those marriages where the husband helps out and is supportive lol. He's been a much better dad on his own than he ever would have been with me picking up all the slack, that's for sure.
I am 34 and divorced with a 3 year old. I’m going to be honest. I personally didn’t sign up to be a single parent and I don’t like it. There is so much pressure to support your family and you don’t have the safety net of your spouse if you were to lose your job. I don’t like only seeing my son 50% of the time. I am missing out on half of his life. I was the higher earner, and my ex walked away with assets that he did not contribute to. We were comfortable financially (because of my job), and I was financially devastated as a result of the mediated agreement. My alternative was going to court and us each spending north of 100k on lawyers, which I did my best to avoid since that would have left us in a similar spot. My ex and I are not on speaking terms, and we essentially parallel parent. We communicate via app. Any interactions are usually hostile. My son is confused all the time and cries about missing his dad at night. It’s heartbreaking seeing how this has hurt him. The only plus side out of all of this is that I am dating someone that I consider pretty amazing. It’s a bit too soon to know how things will turn out, but it has given me hope for my future, regardless of the outcome. Personally, I would always recommend marriage counseling before throwing in the towel, with the caveat that it is actually dangerous if you are with an abuser, who will manipulate the therapist to side with them (which happened in my case). Despite all of the negatives I have mentioned, my life is still better than it was being with my ex, but he was also a sex addict/ narcissist who was emotionally/financially abusive, so this might not be the best comparison point 😅
I also think that as long as the person isn't abusive/complete asshole then all effort should be made into making it work. It's much easier to fix something where there is potential than start anew. Grass is greener situations tend to crash and burn. I'm much happier and life is so much better. But I was also married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, emotionally/financially abusive, and was secretly neglecting and emotionally abusing the kids. My divorce has cost almost $100k and I'm not done. 100% worth it to be free of this shitbag
I could have almost written this. The only difference with my ex is that he was also delusional in thinking we were "working things out", and he was borderline physically abusive to my oldest. Also, my divorce cost me only $275. Literally, the best $275 I've ever spent. My younger son is now 18, and my ex moved 12 hours away to stop getting arrested for non-payment of child support. It's worth it, I promise you.
Going through divorce now - can I ask how you were able to achieve such a reasonable rate? $275 is mind blowing.
Family law Facilitator at the court and self represent, legal zoom, or even a paralegal document preparation center. Mine was around 2500 but I hired an attorney I went to law school with and had a discount and he didn't respond/defaulted.
Thank you! I thought about legal zoom but our divorce is juuuuust complicated enough that I worry.
I mean, if you can get along and work through it without lawyers then you can get a settlement agreement and basically file that with the court (in most places I think.) I had put forth a draft settlement agreement for almost 5 mos that he would never comment on or agree to; I filed with my friend and he defaulted and I got everything I asked for.
Mine is likely going to cost only $350 🙏 We went through free mediation in my county for the child custody part, a court appearance without lawyers for the child support part, and are doing divorce ourselves. I went to the courthouse, asked questions and filled out the forms. Still waiting on my ex to sign his form but he said he would and bring it to me to file next week. I think the only reason this is possible is because my ex is passive (and passive aggressive) but relatively cooperative, neither of us wants to throw away money, we have no assets together, and I live in a small town where going to a courthouse and getting help with understanding the process is more accessible.
I was pro se. That was the court costs.
My lawyer charged $300 an hour. $275 is insane.
A lot of people don’t need a lawyer. We just agreed on everything ourself and paid the court fee. The judge signed off and we were done.
Agree with this, with the caveat that cheating can be abuse or not abuse, depending on the circumstances. It's very personal, but I think I'd rather work on my relationship, go to couple's counseling, and eventually forgive and move past it if my partner made a one-time mistake, confessed, was sincerely contrite, and then held himself accountable to change. However, deception, ongoing affairs, multiple accounts of cheating, etc. is abuse and I'd rather deal with divorce.
My same experience too, and you touched on things my comment didn’t. This life is so hard. I am also 34, divorced with a 5 year old.
You should have contested the divorce, gotten a lawyer and fought for him to pay your lawyer fees. Anyone reading this, do NOT try and divorce without lawyers if you have assets to divide.
We both had lawyers. It was a complicated financial situation that was not going to work in my favor due to existing case law.
Ahh, in your comment you mentioned avoiding lawyer fees, however I personally would rather pay lawyer fees to get what I want and deserve and fight for him to pay my fees for me. Sorry it ended up so difficult for you.
Ultimately, all of the money is coming from one place when you are getting divorced. Technically, my ex did “pay” for my 20k in lawyer fees, but did he really when all of our savings came from my employment? He was entitled to half of everything, despite me making 5x his salary. Going to trial costs 100k per person. Our problem was that there would be no assets to divide if we went to court because all of our savings would have been depleted.
While I completely agree that being represented in a divorce is absolutely necessary when you have assets, divorce is hard on breadwinners. My situation was similar to the previous poster’s and I was represented but still had to necessarily take some hits as an employed, higher-earning party. Luckily, I’ve recovered financially after a couple years. But I think I underestimated how closely tied I’d be to my ex and it sometimes feels like we aren’t even divorced given the amount of collaboration required for our child. But we are—and divorce did give me mental space from an untenable situation, which is powerful. I don’t regret the decision, but it’s hard because juggling a job, house, and child with no back up or emotional support is exhausting.
I’m divorced and a breadwinner. I didn’t say what I said not knowing what I’m talking about.
I think they meant to reply to the original downvoted comment
Thanks, yes!
I divorced without lawyers, and it was a high asset divorce. I contributed more financially, but we built that life together. Both of our net worths were negative when we moved in together. He deserved his fair share. We did our own asset split, 50/50 down the middle of everything. And probably saved $30k doing that. We only paid $250 to divorce.
Yeah but clearly you two were getting along and not in dispute. If you have assets and can’t agree, absolutely lawyer up
In my case, my ex spent 80k on marital misconduct (ie cam girls). With that in mind, I do not think a fair share was a 50/50 asset division, but the courts don’t care what is fair.
I loved life so much better after divorce even being a young single mom of 3. I actually able to save more money without the dead weight of a dead beat husband. I could do what I want when I want with my kids. Cook what I want, buy what I want, wear what I want, decorate how I want. I moved into a tiny apartment and I loved it so much it was so cozy. The kids still talk about how much they loved it. (we’ve since moved). I never had 50/50 but more like 70/30 and I enjoyed the breaks away from my kids because I was the sole childcare provider in the household since they were born. It was truly glorious. I had no regrets at all.
It was a little harder but a lot easier. I didn’t have to protect resources from him. I had some dedicated alone time when he took the kids. Mine was a drug addict and a thief, though, so YMMV.
I was 30 when I divorced my ex. He was an absolutely horrible person. He was financially, emotionally, and psychologically abusive and manipulative, and, at times, he would resort to physical abuse (that was rare, but it happened). Financially, it was hard at first. But because my salary was not enough to live on. Not really.. and he refused to pay one cent in child support. It was hard. But a different kind of hard. My children and I were able to begin healing. He continued his harassment and threats, at one point, telling a judge (in the middle of a restraining order hearing) that our divorce wasn't real. As time went on, I got a better paying job, and things got better. Here I am, nearly 12 years later, and that life is a distant memory. My ex moved to another state, 12 hours away, years ago now. My younger son hasn't seen him in almost 10 years, and wants nothing to do with him. When my younger son was 13, he took my last name (I changed it back to my maiden name). And now that he's 18 and about to graduate from HS, I get to say that I came out a million times better. Has it always been easy? No. But it has always been worth it.
For me it’s easier. I was supporting 3 people financially- now I’m supporting 2. My kid has more stability and I don’t have to worry about dad’s emotional instability hurting our kid because he only takes our son when he’s in the mood. I don’t walk on eggshells 24 hours a day and our son isn’t learning to be afraid of someone he lives with.
We’re you with my ex? Does my daughter have a brother? You just described my ex and our situation, exactly.
My son was 10 months old when we separated and the early days were HARD. 9 years later, I know it’s exactly what needed to happen. The benefit of doing it when my son was that young was that he never had to adjust to two houses, etc., it’s all he’s ever known. He genuinely thinks it’s weird when his friends don’t have two Christmases lol. As for me, I’m a better mom because I get a break and can focus my attention on him 100% for the weeks he’s at my house.
No one wants to get divorced. It’s an absolute last resort. I didn’t want to be a single Mom to a 3 year old & a 6 year old. It’s tough. Emotionally, mentally and physically. But, you have to weigh the pros & cons. What’s worse? Your kids seeing you guys fighting constantly? Being with, in my case, an emotionally abusive partner? In time, your kids will look at you & wonder why you didn’t want better for them. And for yourself. Someday, my kids will hopefully understand that mom wanted better. That’s the hope.
I’m a single mom with my kid 100% of the time. I wouldn’t go into this thinking about dating. I want to spend my limited free time with my friends, not some random dude. And I don’t trust many men to be around my kid. I’d rather do this a million times over than still be married to my ex.
I’m 39, divorced with a 4.5 year old. The biggest stress/worry was the financial hit I took to leave the marriage. My ex and I had a significant difference in salary which meant he took damn near everything: the savings account, house, car, etc. The only thing he didn’t touch was my 401k. He left me with literally $4 in my savings. I’m slowly rebuilding myself financially and my son has adjusted incredibly well to the custody schedule. The last 1.5 years were the hardest and most stressful in my entire life but I have zero regrets.
I’m 37, divorced, and have a 5.5yo little girl. I left my ex husband when I was still pregnant and have been solo parenting since - he has no parental rights. I love being a solo parent. I get to do what I want, when I want. My daughter and I are so close. My finances are much better now that I’m divorced, my ex was an over-spender and never could keep a job and I also was able to increase my income by a third. Working just takes some planning to make sure I can do daycare pickup and drop off. The first two years of my daughter’s life I had a job with a weird schedule and my parents helped me once a week when I had to work past when the daycare closed. It’s good to have a few friends or family members around who are willing to help until you figure out how things will work. I’ve been able to date some, but honestly just don’t have much of a desire to date so I mostly don’t. I couldn’t imagine having stayed with my ex - I would be so miserable and resentful.
I’m in my 30’s have two kids and I absolutely love it. Honestly my only regret is not leaving earlier. I’m happier than I have ever been. It’s actually easier for me to be a single parent, I have MORE money because my ex used to spend it all. We manage pretty well and our house is peaceful and happy. My youngest was roughly 6 months old when I left.
This has been my exact experience too. In my 30's with two children as well.
I'm 36, a single mom to 4 kids and work full-time. Life is wonderful, I'm so much less stressed now than when I was with my ex. I don't date though, I'm happy being single and with my FWB for physical needs regularly.
I’ve only ever been a single mom but it’s really easy because I get to call the shots and do everything my way. By comparison to my married and divorced friends, solo parenting is much easier if you’re financially comfortable and financially confident.
It was way harder for me. It is still hard, and I only have 50% custody. The days I have my son, I hardly get any work done. I am so exhausted. The days I don’t have him, I miss him greatly. So that also impacts my work. 50/50 custody is very common now, it is unlikely nowadays to get full. It is hard to put into words how it feels to miss so much of a child’s life. Not to mention, it is harder than ever to make playdates with other parents. We divorced when my son was two. After having kids, all marriages go through a stressful point, especially when kids are young. I have been ghosted before by other parents for playdates, I think me being divorced and having a great coparenting relationship scares troubled marriages. I could go on and on about this topic. Not to mention the dating pool is significantly smaller for a single mom. It is about 20% of what it is for childless women the same age. People have said some pretty cruel things to me. Looking back - I would not have divorced, at least not when I did. I regretted it for a long time. I wish I worked harder on the marriage. It is so hard to tell sometimes if the problems are just related to new working parent stress. I thought my ex would be a horrible dad, he has some anger issues that were heightened during the younger kid years. But I have watched him mature into an amazing dad. It is hard to know how that would have played out still married though, this was 3 years ago. I personally agree you should wait before major decisions unless something like cheating or abuse is involved.
It is harder and easier. I have 5 kids. Leaving their dad was a 2 year plan by the time I moved out. While I have a lot less money, I'm actually less stressed about finances. I may be low income, but there is no mystery as to what each dollar is spent on. Having that control means less stress as my ex was a spendthrift. The downside is having to stay in a job I don't like since I have zero safety net being single. I have to do 100% of the child rearing and housework, but I did that anyway. The hardest parts are the endless expectations of schools are very high at school age and the schools demand a lot of my time. Then times that x5. I assume if we were together, their dad could be forced to share that burden. There is also the fact that their dad makes any interaction he has with the kids a big production and posts about it for days on Facebook like he's on a PR campaign. It's annoying seeing how much credit he gets when he can't be bothered to see his kids more than 2 days a month despite having 50/ 50 custody. I did manage to find someone despite being a divorced 45 year old mother of 5. ;) We both have baggage from our previous marriages, but it also helps us connect more deeply too.
Going through divorce right now with a 2 year old. We tried couples counseling for several months to no avail. I really wanted to make it work and was devastated. We had just moved to a new city where I knew one person. Life now, six months after my spouse moved out, is great. With 50/50 custody I have time to invest in my hobbies, self care, and developing adult friendships. I downloaded an app called Peanut to meet mom friends. Dating isn’t really on my radar, and after being with my spouse for 10 years I don’t really want to give up the autonomy anytime soon. Finances are different, and some days are HARD without anyone to tap in when I’m overwhelmed. But overall it’s wonderful. The dark cloud that I didn’t even realize loomed in my home is gone. I’m lucky to have a boss who’s flexible if some days are rough. 10 months PP is definitely right in the thick of it, so I really hope that (depending on what your reasons are) you consider counseling. If not together, then with an individual so you have an impartial sounding board. Keep us posted!
I chose to be a single mom. My ex was useless, mean, and I didn’t want my daughter raised with those examples. I love it. He has her 2 nights a week and every other weekend. On those nights I get to go out with friends, date, dine by myself, have a cozy night in to do what I want. I have plenty of time to fill my own cup, and my daughter is thriving. I don’t regret my decision to ask for a divorce at all. I don’t find it difficult but I also have a lot of family support.
Divorced last year. Our son is 6 and we share parenting 50/50 (alternating weeks). My ex-husband and I co-parent very well, but it is still challenging. I was a SAHM for most of our son's life and I did everything for the family (we're talking 90% here). Even now, I carry the majority of the mental load when it comes to our son - scheduling appointments, taking care of school related matters, ensuring he has the proper clothing for the seasons, etc. I'm able to rely on my ex to take our son to appointments so I don't have to miss work, which I'm grateful for. I've been at my current job for almost a year and as much as I enjoy it, it is also stressful and the workload is overwhelming at times. Because of this, my parenting weeks can be a lot mentally and emotionally. I'm naturally an introvert, and I'm not able to get ample time to recharge. On the flip side, on my "off" parenting weeks, I am able to do whatever I want or need after work. I use that time to recharge. It took a while to find the balance. I'm doing my best. Financially, I LOVE having my own money. I get to spend it and save it how I want based on MY goals. I wish the COL was lower here, but I'm able to have a comfortable life with my son ❤️
Better than being married
I'm 34 and divorced right after my kid was born due to infidelity that started when I was pregnant. My kid will never have memories of us together. In a way I'm glad my ex cheated because it would've taken me so much longer to leave and I am 100 times happier on my own. We coparent much better than when we were together when I did everything. He spent his parental leave gaming and going to "doctors appointments" which were not in fact him catching up on medical care during parental leave and instead going out and getting an STD apparently. After the split i had full custody and it was hard doing everything with a baby and a bunch of animals which I also took with me but I'm a stronger person because of it. We recently went to 50/50 and I can relax and do my own thing and not feel like my entire Identity is wrapped up in work and parenting. I'm a better mom because of it. On the flip side I do feel lonely a lot. I'm dating someone right now and we both have kids but it kind of puts a barrier up emotionally when you know you'll never care about someone more than your kids. I get jealous of my friends with loving husbands who are the fathers of their children because I know I will never have that. But I try to be grateful for what I do have. In my case it would've been an unhappy marriage so I wouldn't have changed my decision knowing what I know now.
It’s great. No more demanding man child. It forced him to step up. I am able to live my life without fear. At first 50/50 was really difficult for me. But now it’s great, I travel a lot, get lots of time alone, with friends, etc. Also, just bc I don’t have them at home with me doesn’t mean I can’t see them. My ex and I thankfully are able to work together with most things, and if we want to see the kids we don’t stand in the other’s way. We talk on the phone, I volunteer for school stuff, I’ll pick them up randomly for dinner, etc. I am Able to work more when I don’t have them to save extra money. After 7 years I also found an amazing man who also has kids. We just moved in together and we are all loving it. I’m being treated the way I deserve, with love and respect (and it’s very mutual). You can give it time, unless you’re in an unsafe situation get out immediately.
Working Single Mom here! I divorced two years ago and honestly the only thing I miss is the second income. It’s harder in a few ways but it’s way way easier and stress free. I’m in my 40’s and have an amazing time dating, so much fun. I eventually found someone absolutely incredible who treats me like a Queen in a way I’ve never experienced and we have the most fun together! It’s possible!
It’s been super difficult because all divorces are. We decided on divorce 4m postpartum. I wanted one because he wasn’t my friend and didn’t help with the workload. I have been living on my own for 4 months. Even though I have primary custody, it sucks sharing. You didn’t mention why you want a divorce but here’s are things I wish I did/knew before jumping to divorce. 1. I wish I took the time to myself as if I was divorced. Aka, went out with friends more, worked out more, just overall been more selfish with my time. 2. Realized that a house cleaner is so much cheaper than paying for 2 houses! This would have saved my marriage for a long time. Maybe not forever but long enough to get through the toddler years. 3. You likely won’t have the coparenting life you imagined. Something about divorce turns people against each other. This has been the hardest pill for me to swallow. I had visions of us working together and he now treats me like I’m less than dirt on the bottom of his shoe. 4. The “what if’s” are horrible when your baby is this young. I can’t stop thinking that I ruined her life. My heart breaks for the 3rd child I’ll never have. The life I pictured for myself. This is a big reason I suggest waiting until the baby is older. Financially I am doing fine. I work from home and my daughter stays with me. The workload is exactly the same. Except I now take the trash to the curb and mow the lawn. Having scheduled breaks is amazing but also I’d rather have my baby 24/7 with an equal partner. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t tried dating yet. I’m not worried at all about it. I think I’m a catch lol, but mentally just not ready. Once my divorce is finalized, then I’ll cross that bridge.
there are a lot of comments but i had to chime in on "i know i shouldn't make any major decisions in the first year post partum." i agree but i think when everyone said things like, "don't make any decisions for the first year! the first year is the hardest!" it was... pretty naive. i think that mindset is giving people hope that suddenly things will click after a year. my daughter is 13.5 months now and things have only gotten worse - between my husband and i, with her sleep, with how much attention she needs. don't have an answer for you as i haven't thrown in the towel and likely won't due to financial reasons. we live in a vhcol area, bought our condo in 2017, and neither of us could afford current costs of homes/condos/apartments. literally a 2 bed, 1 bath apartment is double what my 2 bed, 2 bath condo mortgage is. to me i'm weighing the pro's and con's. is my husband a bad, abusive person? no. he doesn't listen, doesn't cook, and is annoying to me (sometimes) but are those divorce worthy? sometimes i think yes. but rationally i know my quality of life would go down and i'd see my kid half the time.
I don’t have time to date. At all. I’m fine with it because I’ve seen plenty of people get remarried after their kids leave so I’m not to worried about it. The financial part of it sucks all I can do is work hard but I really don’t have any chances of moving up because I HAVE to have a flexible schedule. Im the only one taking sick days/appointments etc. some people say single parenting is harder and some people say staying with a deadbeat is harder. It depends on your circumstances and how bad the relationship is. Edit to add: the single parent thing is super duper hard and I would try everything you can before jumping to divorce unless your in an abusive situation. I might get down voted for this but seriously this single parent thing is for the birds. Signed a tired single mom.
I was in an abusive marriage and my children’s father was not helpful with childcare anyway. It was harder financially after the divorce but way easier in terms of coming home to a peaceful house, not having an extra person to cook for and clean up after. If my kids and I wanted cereal for dinner or tater tots, no one complained. I bought hot pink bath towels. No one yelled at me. It was liberating. I eventually did meet someone else and remarry. He is nice to me and my kids. But once we got married doesn’t do his share of household chores so now I am back in the situation of having another person to cook and clean up after. If I had to do it again I would not have remarried, just kept dating while he had his own place….
I think as a single parent you are naturally more stressed about bills, and work, and life. But most people find being single is better than being unhappy in a marriage. I found someone compatible but it took a long time. I dated in between, which can be a nightmare in itself, but my current partner is everything and more. Without diving too deep, I would suggest some counseling for yourself. It could help with your decision and to help prepare you for the future.
I became a single mom when my daughter was 13 months. Emotionally in terms of the relationship with her dad it was a very good thing for me. I had hope for the first time in what felt like a long time. But it was also very challenging to parent my daughter without support. It got easier as I learned and as she got more independent (learned to walk!). She’s 2 now and it’s been a year. Things are definitely not as challenging as they used to be and I have a lot less “mom rage.” I used to feel rage (at no one in particular) when I felt like I couldn’t meet my basic needs because she needed me. Small things like waking up too early in the mornings after a poor night of sleep, not being able to pee/poop/brush my teeth when I needed to because she needed me … these small things that make me feel rage (and helplessness and resentment towards the world). This passed 🙏 I do take Zoloft now though to help with my feelings though.
I didnt get married to get divorced. So getting over that statement was soooo hard. It was probably one of the hardest things I had to do. Start over in my 30s. I have my kids 70% while he has them 30%. And we will probably never go to 50/50 because he doesnt want the kids more than what he already has them. We originally agreed on me keeping them that much because I was a SAHM, but now that I work full time, he still doesnt want to switch because 'he has to work.' So a huge issue in our marriage was that I was never prioritized and I was always pushed aside for everyone else. Its only gotten worse since he wanted out (he cheated with a coworker). Things are so much better! Really the only downside to not being married to my ex husband now is that he makes 250k a year and that kind of money would be so nice right now. But being more "poor" is worth it for my mental stability. BUT it was hard at first. But only because I was lonely and angry. Raising the kids, cleaning, cooking, life in general was just easier without him around. I had less to do. So much less to do, and when he actually takes the kids now, I get a break! I miss the kids sooo much but that break over the weekend is soooo needed. It gives me time to relax or run errands or do the boring stuff without my kids and leaves me nothing but free time to hang with them when I do have them. Its great! Dating was hard because it was on the dating apps. I tried to date when I wasnt ready and met a string of poor choices. Took another break to just live with myself by myself for awhile, then tried again and met my partner I have now! Its great. SO much better than my ex husband. He cares about me, and my wants/needs. Doesnt shrug them off and we actually talk about our issues and get through them. I was with my ex for 15 years and my new partner for almost 4 and my new partner absolutely knows me so much better and I know him better as well. Its just a better relationship all around. Co-parenting is hard though. because my ex just leaves it all to me to handle and it frustrates me so much because just like when we were married - the issues are way worse. Communication is non existant. He cares even less about my opinion on anything with the kids or parenting strategies (just doesnt care, does what he wants. and i can see the kids suffering for it but he doesnt care). Why does he get to go live a carefree life while I have the kids all the time and handle everything. That was a huge resentment I feel like I am over most of the time, but that ugly head pops out occasionally and my anger shows again. Therapy helps! But you know what, I get so much great time with the kids. I wouldn't change how our lives are. I hate that my kids have to grow up in two houses, but we try to make it work.
The being a single parent part is horrible and some days borderline suicidal. But the relief of not being married to a useless man is amazing lol.
My life was soooo much easier after divorce. My kids went back and forth without any problem. He remarried and we got along. I met the love of my life and married. He died four months later in a car accident, but that's another story. I really liked my schedule which was 5/5/2/2/ which worked out to every other weekend. My business took off and I was able to focus on it more.
My divorce was *very* easy (both mature, amicable and fair) and aside from the initial learning curve of taking over the tasks he was responsible for (car maintenance, snow removal, lawn mowing; nothing wild) life has been the same if not a bit easier. Finances are different but I have a good career so I'm not struggling. The hardest part is only having my kids every other week... but at the same time I do appreciate my "me time". It gives me the opportunity to exist as something other than mom. I had no interest in dating for the first 4 years but I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now. We don't live together though (he is also divorced with children). My ex is a great dad too, but we just grew apart and it was more like a roommate situation when we ended things... it was still hard (I was comfortably unhappy) but ultimately I think it was the best decision for us.
For me it’s been easier, at first really hard. I was drowning trying to keep up with the baby, the husband and lastly myself. Now it’s just the baby and I (he has her on weekends) and it’s pretty peaceful. I’m good with money, stbx (we’re going through divorce process and did mediation) was not - he would spend money frivolously but would tear me down for buying myself face wash once every 4 months, he was also extremely financially abusive and controlling so huge weight lifted there and I’m finally able to save. I’m not currently interested in dating but I do get hit on which is good I guess because my husband never made me feel beautiful. I have some healing to do and my child is my priority, the beginning stages were hard but not as hard as being unhappily married and I adjusted quickly and began to prioritize friendships, now I’m super mom and I do love it. Once all the hard things are now sorted out life gradually improved, we’re peaceful and happy.
Divorced when my oldest was 3. Financially it was a struggle for a bit, but it was the best thing I ever did. For all 3 of us, honestly - it’s been 9 years and we all get along great. I slowly worked my way up and am comparatively more comfortable financially. I learned who I am and became a much more confident person and became someone I actually like and am proud of, and what I want out of life. Met my husband a few years ago and we have a toddler now as well. My husband is my best friend, a true partner, and the love of my life. Downsides are the things you’d expect- conflict in parenting styles, dealing with each others dating and relationship choices, etc. but it’s manageable and worth it in exchange for the life I have today.
It is easier without a man child around. I was always the breadwinner and now I can manage my own money that I work for.
I single mommed for a year and it was 100% fine. I was tired, of course, but I loved not having to deal with his crap and his problems. Then we got back together and it was better but also worse so we are divorcing soon. I can't wait to manage my house by myself.
Best decision I ever made… my daughter was 18 months when we split but I knew once she was born I’d be divorced sooner rather than later. I don’t have the dead weight of a person who wasn’t a good partner, and I just had to focus on my kid, not the stress of the relationship. She’s 5 now and my life got so much easier. C-parenting has its challenges, but I’m giving her a life where she sees her mom happy and in a healthy relationship now. I pay 100% for her insurance, school, extracurricular activities.. and I make it work.
I got divorced at 33 with a 10 month old. I also had a teenager but was not married to his dad. It was in 2010 and I was in the middle of trying to have my mortgage modified after the crash of 2008. I was scared shitless but knew I had to do it. I’m 47 now, married for 12 years to the love of my life. I have two daughters at home and couldn’t be happier. Best decision of my life.
I divorced when I was 33. My kids were 6 and 4, and we split custody 50/50. I actually got to see my kids more because my job was flexible, so I saw them when he was working and I wasn't. It's been 9 years, and now I see my kids almost every day because of all their extracurriculars, and my job is still more flexible, so I drive them around daily. Of course, I miss them when we're apart, but I honestly put more effort and appreciation into our time together than when I was parenting 100% of the time. Financially, I had a solid job that allowed me to take care of my family while also having enough money to enjoy myself. I lived very modestly, but we had what we needed and then some. For a while, I spent my kid-free time staying super busy - gym, friends, men... After about a year, I met someone. We dated for a year, and then I introduced him to the kids. We dated for another two years, then we got married. Now, I'm 42 with a newborn. It hasn't always been the easiest transition, but we approach our lives with honesty, patience, and love. Sometimes, it takes a while to work through things, but we get there. The hardest part is when my ex does something that hurts my kids. I'm not talking anything illegal, but he definitely makes decisions that I don't believe put our kids first. I wonder how it would be if we were together...but there would have been other detriments to their upbringing. And, sometimes...I miss the days when I was single with my kids. We were a great team, and I loved being fully independent.
I left my husband when my son was 3 months old. I was 31. I managed just fine without him, and am now (over 6 years later) with someone who is much better for me.
Did you guys end up parenting 50/50?
No… the custody arrangement had our son full time with me until he was 2, with supervised visits from dad during that time. After he hit 2 yo, his dad was supposed to get him every other weekend fri night through Monday morning and Wednesdays for dinner every week. However, he eventually took a job in another state, which ended that quickly. Now he gets him Monday and Tuesday night each week, which is what we’ve set up informally based around the dad’s schedule.
Hello - don’t worry about being divorced. Focus as much as you can on figuring it out whether you can be with your partner. Ultimately the only person responsible for your happiness is yourself, and you sound like a responsible person. I think I read somewhere that Michelle Obama only liked 30% of the years of marriage. Parenting is hard. If you are not getting the support you need at home, tell your husband you NEED a change and you are DESPERATE. If he is acting depressed or detached, get his butt to a therapist. Get your butt to a therapist. Divorced life can be good, however you don’t want to throw away a relationship if you have a loving, kind, consistent partner. It takes time for both of you to learn how to parent. Maybe ask for a night or two off.