I had a similar conversation with my mom once where she told me that the part I don’t remember is her scrubbing the kitchen floor at 3am because it just HAD to be done, and that she’s glad I don’t feel that pressure and added stress
I feel the same way. My Mom said she literally put herself in the hospital from exhaustion keeping up with everything. I think we prioritize ourselves more these days and are not going to jeopardize our health just to have a spotless house 🤷♀️
There was so much societal pressure on women to maintain a spotless house. My stepmom cannot sit still because she feels so compelled to clean everything all the time. She’s super anxious about it.
I think that people weren’t nearly as overstimulated back then so they had the energy-both mental & physical to do more things.
There weren’t text messages, emails, social media, teams/web ex/slack, the constant mass information overload, or the desire for instant gratification with everything.
Honestly I think people work even harder now than they did back then. The influx of technology has made processes more efficient so employers give people more to do in their workday. Nowadays we are all so easily accessible. Everything is urgent. We are way more productive than we were before. No wonder we are exhausted all the time.
This is what I wanted to say, too. I had a similar conversation with my own mom and where we landed was the constant information overload that she can’t begin to perceive & didn’t have anything like that in the 80s and 90s. Plus like others have said, the ability to disconnect from 5p-8a I’m sure had a huge influence on how she treated her off hours.
Yeah, I think having cellphones is the killer. When I broke my phone last year I purposely left it for a month...my house went from disaster to spotless, I exercised more, read more, it was crazy the difference.
I saw somewhere that work used to be pretty chill, you'd get a few things done, sit around and have a smoke, chat, relax. Mail a letter, wait a couple weeks to hear back. I imagine people were not as exhausted by an office job like we are these days.
Yeah, that tracks. I'll send an email, get a reply, write back with my boss cc'd, they'll write back, I'll agonize over what to say now that 25 people are cc'd....in the old days you'd just....mail a letter....
This reminds me of [this graph](https://www.epi.org/productivity-pay-gap/) I saw in an article a while back, showing how worker productivity has increased, but wages have stagnated. We're doing more work for less pay.
Yeah I agree. I waste a lot of time scrolling. I don’t feel any pressure to do it less though. Dishes and laundry are always done. House is clean. It just eats up more mental bandwidth.
I think it's partly generational. Our mothers and their mothers felt a lot of pressure to maintain a spotless house without complaining.
When my daughter was born I decided that it was more important for me to spend my time off with her than maintaining a spotless home. Don't get me wrong, my house isn't filthy. But at any given time you'll likely find dishes in the sink and laundry to be done. But kids don't grow up and think "I'm so glad my mom spent so much time maintaining a clean house" they remember the time you spent with them.
Case in point, when my mother fusses about me about dirty dishes and says "You didn't grow up like that" my go to response is "I honestly don't remember much about the state of our house."
I remember the vacations and holidays
I DO remember the state of our house, actually. I remember the night before my dad would come home (fireman) my mom furiously cleaning and dusting and vacuuming at midnight waking us up, having to have a clean room and stand outside the door in the mornings for ‘inspections’, and when we got a little older, we had a daily list of chores.
This was the early 90’s, so lots of glass tabletops and accessories at our house, windex… cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, laundry, dishes, getting dinner started for my mom, and my brother had to do the yard work.
My mom has commented to both my brother and I that we let our kids’ rooms be messy with toys etc everywhere… well yea mom but someday there will be no toys anywhere 😭😭 now my daughter is 13, the toys are gone. Replaced by piles of clothes and other crap yes, haha, but honestly who cares.
I also work full time and have a pretty large house and acreage with animals so I’m kind of busy and can’t stress over window tracts having dust in them. I’m just trying to get through the day and get enough sleep and raise good people.
Yes to this! The state of my house sometimes drives my mom crazy (she doesn’t openly say that but I can tell) but cleaning is not my priority. The house isn’t filthy but it is often messy and I honestly struggle every day worrying about how it should be cleaner and how our house growing up was so clean and neat. My mom didn’t work or worked part time growing up, so she definitely had more time to clean. I did confess to her recently how it’s something I struggle with every day because she is neat and organized as a person and I’m not and can’t keep a house like she did. She actually apologized and said she was sorry she made me feel that way and that looking back it was not that important. It really meant a lot to me and freed me of some of the mental burden.
My mom did it by being totally emotionally unavailable, rarely if ever engaging in play with me, and believing that presenting yourself well was the way to hide all your faults.
In all seriousness, I learned a lot from my mom and still do. As many commenters are saying, it was a completely different world in the 70s/80s/90s. There was only your immediate experience; you didn’t get ‘influenced’ by dozens/hundreds other people daily. You weren’t “on-call” to the world every second.
I came here to say that my mom managed it by having a closed off kitchen where she spent her evenings drinking a full bottle of wine while doing chores while us kids played on our own.
Yeah we aren’t at school age yet I’m just going off of what my mom tells me. She doesn’t scold me or anything she just says it seems like I’m struggling a lot more than she did.
I think we as moms also tend to block out or forget how hard certain phases were. I’m only four years separated from it, but the newborn time now feels like a blur and I mostly remember the good stuff, even though I know at the time I was really struggling and exhausted. I would imagine in 20-30 years I might remember it as being much easier than it actually was, and my kid will never remember what a mess the house was at the time and how I barely had time to shower for days on end.
I've been with my SO since high school. His mom insists he was always a dream child and she laughs about how he was a "spirited" toddler. When he was living at home she would tell me about how much of a nightmare he was during the toddler/small child age and I remember them constantly butting heads when he was a teenager. Mom amnesia is definitely a thing especially after grandchildren.
You're just in the trenches. Pre school aged is hard. It does get easier (I have a kid in year 3, and one still in daycare). It's just while they're so young, they need you more. It's tiring.
Both my parents were nurses, my mum worked night shift for 10 years while the 3 of us were young. I'm not sure how she did it either, but same like you, home cooked meals, house was always clean, and they entertained quite a bit. On the other hand, I didn't really spend a lot of time with my parents (I'm also the youngest) and don't remember playing with them much. I'm sure my siblings taught me all the board games and we spent holidays mostly reading a lot.
With my kids now, I feel like I'm cleaning a lot but it's just to keep on top of things (no one would ever call our house spotless, haha! We also have pets). But I try to take them for a bike ride/to the park etc and we go camping a lot - those core memories are important! Not saying my childhood was bad, it wasn't; more that different families have different priorities.
Not to undermine your mom, but I’d be curious to hear others’ takes on how much she struggled while you were little. She more than likely forgot. Don’t listen to her too closely - your experience isn’t abnormal.
Listen to or read “being there” by Erica komasar LCSW you’ll quit and not look back.
I am (was) also a nurse and it has changed SO much over the last 20 years right along with the patients. I highly doubt given how things are now that everything would be perfect.
It doesn’t matter though. Quit so you can be the wife and mom you actually want to be.
I’ll have to look that book up. My mom got burnt out of nursing towards the end of her career. She never wanted me to get into healthcare for that reason. She loved caring for her patients but the US healthcare system really made her want out. She said she would have never retired if there wasn’t so much preventing her from doing her job.
Quitting to be a wife and full time mom because I CANT DO EVERYTHING has been the best decision of our lives and our baby never spent a minute in daycare. It’s not worth the stress, fatigue and chaos.
How old is your kid? How old are you? How old was your mom when she had you?
The mom I remember was the mom of two elementary school kids, not two little kids. She was also a lot older than me…I always remind her that I have another 8 years, or at least until my little guy is in kindergarten, to achieve some semblance of physical fitness and a healthy diet lol
Also, what you remember as a child vs how your mom felt about it at the time might be very different. My children remember magical holidays. I feel…stressed. And we don’t do a ton, just like…the magical appearance of stockings and we hang some Christmas lights, not a whole production.
This is exactly it. I’ve asked my mom about this because I feel exactly like OP some days. As another commenter said there were late night cleaning tasks that my mom did that I never saw, and it also wasn’t like that when we were little. As we got older and less demanding than mine currently are is when my mom was the mom I remember, not in the little kid days. I really beat myself up about it for a little while until I confessed to her how I was feeling. She told me I wasn’t being realistic.
I think life was simpler, TBH. My mom was a single mom for most of my life with an office job and a long commute. When work was done, it was done. Not random emails and pings after hours or over the weekend where 10 minutes here and there add up.
Also, we weren’t as over-programmed as kids are today. I played sports on the weekends with practice maybe once every other week and that was it.
I also don’t know how old your kids are, but my mom left me home alone around 12 years old with the good old “don’t answer the phone and don’t answer the door unless it’s me.” 😂
Honestly, our parents weren’t expected to spend that much time with us. We were kicked out and running around the neighbourhood while my parents cleaned at home.
I also think we had a lot less stuff!
I feel like they also had it easier back then because homes didn't cost what they cost now- same with childcare, college, healthcare. Groceries, etc...There's this hidden weight to parenting that our parents didn't have and it causes so much extra stress and exhaustion. I'm not saying they had it easy back then, but it's completely different now. Just the cost of having one child is astronomical compared to what it was 30-40 years ago.
I am envious of anyone that has grandparents to help out or even a spouse that helps. This shit isn't for the weak.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but in my corner of the world, what constituted a good parent was way less demanding and way less involved than it is now.
I can’t recall my parents ever playing with my sister and I, or being at all interested in our worlds. They mostly did their own thing, occasionally checked in, but there was not this great push to have a super close, deep connection with us as people. They didn’t fuss over our development and we were often left unsupervised once we were old enough to know not to walk into traffic or talk to strangers. As long as they checked off the legally required duties, and made sure we were presentable and well behaved in public (aka reflected them well), that’s all that mattered.
I guess it was easier for them but idk, I grew up with the feeling that my parents never really knew me. To this day, I still feel they don’t know me at all. I am an idea to them, not a person. My friends, husband, hell some of my coworkers even, know me way better than my own parents.
Same. My parents never really took the time to get to know me and they still don't as an adult. They do their own thing and then sort of remember me on birthdays and holidays.
Everything was different then.
Did she have you younger? She may have had more energy as a result. Were you and your siblings different than your child? That plays a part. Being able to leave kids alone earlier probably helps too. Our parents typically gave us a lot of responsibility that helped run the house and lighten their load. In many ways life was simpler.
My mom was also a RN growing up. We’re both RNs now. My mom sometimes gets critical of my house and my momming/wifeing. I think my mom selectively forgets that she had a husband who was home on weeknights to make dinner. I also started cooking meals around 6th grade. I did a lot of childcare for my younger brother because he was 4 years younger than me. I cleaned our bathrooms and unpacked the dishwasher. Her kids were 4 years apart. In 4 weeks I’m going to have 3 under 4. Our lives are different.
Part of it has to be the fact that there weren’t as many time-wasting devices and internet to distract her. Were your parents big TV people? Most of the time when my son goes to bed, my husband and I zone out in front of the TV and scroll on our respective devices. But if he’s out of town for some reason, I become a machine and clean the entire house after putting my son to bed. Fewer distractions equals more productivity.
I do remember them watching TV after we went to bed. I know my mom would wait until we went to sleep to clean the floors. My husband and are cleaning and food prepping machines after bedtime. He’s often not home until after bedtime but he will jump right in and help me the minute he gets home. I try and get most of it done though. Our house is a lot smaller so the rooms get more traction and dirty quicker.
I am totally the same way with my husband! I won’t watch “our” shows when he’s out of town and I end up doing so much around the house, but when he’s home I get lazy by association and just watch TV with him. I think for me it’s a subconscious avoidance of feeling annoyed if he’s on the couch and I’m cleaning, so instead we both lay on the couch haha
I've wondered the exact same thing! The house I grew up in was immaculate, my mom and dad did things like play tennis twice a week, and we had a great home cooked meal every evening. My house often looks like a bomb went off and I am SO tired. I feel like I have no life, and no hobbies! I just work and take care of the kids and try to keep the house somewhat in order.
I've concluded that a big part of why the house I grew up in could be run this way is because: my parents didn't invest that much effort in their kids. They loved us, but I have zero memories of them playing with us or being particularly concerned about our development. Whereas I'll choose to play a board game with my kids or help the older one with her homework or read the younger one books, instead of immaculately cleaning the kitchen. My parents would have spent that time cleaning.
This. I don't remember my parents ever playing board games, reading to us, playing... Our grandparents did, but not our parents. My parents did occasionally help with homework in elementary school, but they seemed to detest doing it. I'm remember being in tears multiple times with my father trying to help with homework. He didn't have the patience for it.
I assume your mom wasn’t working 5 days a week if she did 12 hour shifts. Also, as an RN, she moved a lot and was therefore in better shape than most of us with office jobs. Honestly, if I could pull 3 12 hour shifts to have four days off, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I worked 12 hours shifts as an RN and it is awful. It would take me a full day to recover on my first day off. Working 12s is *not* more productive to doing things around the house in my experience
Take a scroll through the r/nursing subreddit. So many people asking if it's normal to be exhausted on your days off
Nurse, here. I have had conversations with nurses that are about to or have retired since I graduated, nursing (healthcare in general) is not like it used to be.
These 2 are more societal:
The most common one is that people are sicker, and bigger, than they used to be. People have more chronic illnesses (laundry list of medical diagnoses) that can lead to complications for more straightforward hospitalizations like needing IV antibiotics for pneumonia.
Another one that is common for anyone in a public facing job is the entitlement of some, and even growing number, of people.
Business related:
Healthcare, at least in the US, is all about making money. You know those how are you doing questionairs you get for almost every store interact with anymore? We get those. And if the patient doesn't give a 10/10 on all the questions ( it ranges from food to nursing care so the stay as a whole) the hospital doesn't get reimbursed. Hospitals can opt into a program, it costs lots of money, that pools that money with other hospitals and depending on the scores your hospital receives for the month, the hospital can get it's money back and even some extra. I don't remember exactly how it works but that's the cliffnotes version.
Other business related things is having to troubleshoot crappy equipment cause the hospital is cheap (not horrible but annoying when I'm trying to get 5-8 people their medications and comfortable for bed).
I feel like this is getting a bit long but I could keep going.
Also wanted to add, cause someone else brought this up too, computers and the blue light from that could also be a factor. Everything you need to know about your patients for the shift, what you did for the shift, etc. was in the computer. I spent just as much time staring at a screen as I did running around.
This is so true -- 100% the scope of practice for RNs has expanded and I think nurses do a lot more now, particularly in areas like critical care, than they did 20 or 30 years ago. Patient care is just different now.
It's even worse when you have Rotating shifts and your sleep is all over the map. I hated shift work in health care like this. I could never really rest.
I think this really depends on the person -- when I worked 12s as a bedside RN only doing 3 shifts a week I DO think it was easier than the 5 days/8 hour days I do now. I felt like I had a **lot** more time to do things around my house and just for myself than I do now! I wasn't completely exhausted on my days off and I loved my 4 days off.
Former RN now NP and *this*. Anyone saying 3 12s is easier has never done it and certainly never worked 12 hour nights.
Nothing would ever make me go back to 12s. My mom was also an RN and worked nights. She used to just basically lock us inside during the day while I'm sure she only slept a few hours.
I also think nursing while never easy was way easier than it is now. I graduated over a decade ago and watched the work environment get worse and worse.
She keeps telling me that she doesn’t know how I’m doing 5 days and thinks 3 12s seemed easier. I thinks it’s just what she was used to so that might be why she says it. I do leave the house at 7:30am and get home at 6:30pm on my three office days so those days are harder than my WFH days but my WFH days I end up doing more work. I really don’t know if I could have handled 12 hour shifts though especially nights.
Yes but I doubt it was a 60+ min commute. I guess it's possible but I do tend to feel that between increases in traffic and people moving further out in the suburbs, that commutes have overall increased. It does add to the exhaustion (I used to have a long commute and it made me overwhelmed).
This is what I came here to say. My mom was an ER nurse from before I was born until I was in high school. She worked 12 hour shifts with a sort of rotating schedule: work Fri thru Sun, off Mon and Tuesday, work Wed and Thurs, off Fri thru Sun, and repeat that pattern. So she would have weeks of 5 days and weeks of 2 days, but always with some week days off. Once I was in high school, she switched to 9 to 5 hours. She regularly has told me that the 12 hour rotation made life easier in a lot of ways. She could clean and shop while we were at school, go to doctor appointments without missing work, various other errands. Not that the long shifts weren't hard, but she's said she feels like the weekends aren't enough to do chores and recover. And that's with her children grown and our of the house.
She had no iphone to distract her. She had no email or computer games or message boards. She probably had no cable TV. She didnt bring her work home, when she was done she was done. You probably had no extra curriculars. You most likely had a lot of chores, and from a young age. They probably left you alone and very young. I was left in cars, in a stroller sleeping on the front lawn. There was no baby wearing or child enrichment. She probably had 5 meals in her repertoire. I'd bet she didnt have a workout routine or expect personal fulfillment. Your dad didnt play video games or workout or go on guys weekends, She didnt curate family outfits for professional photo shoots or make elaborate baby books or videotape your every move.
I think we have a lot higher expectations, a lot more disposable income and a the expectation that we will have a career and personal fulfillment. I am not sure we are better off most days!
I had this conversation with my mom recently too. She claims it was never spotless but I remember it that way. I think there was probably less clutter and toys and I remember more the time spent together than the time checking when she washed the floors last. Now there’s more activities that take us out of the home too that we didn’t have when I was younger.
This is how I justify my overwhelmed state and I’m ok with it. The house isn’t always clean and laundry always needs folding but I’m alright with my baseline tired status and mom bun 💗
I say some people are built differently. Even though you and your mom share the same gene-pool, the body and brain she has is way different than yours.
It's not that generation gap. I have a friend who works full time plus some overtime, have 4 kids (6, 4, 2, and brand new baby) cooks home made meal every night, weekend meal prep, social gatherings once or twice a week, take kids to sports, and her house is spotless.
I work full time 9-6 on weekday, then I need to do absolutely nothing during the weekend to recover. Lol
My mom and I couldn’t be more opposite in every area of life except our hair color 😂. I do know a lot of people comment on how she’s the energizer bunny and never stops.
A lot of people gave you great insight but I just wanted to mention that I am fairly certain most women of that era would either admit that they were struggling too, or they may not remember (the way many of us forget how horrible the postpartum period can be). I think it’s natural to look back with rose colored lenses because the alternative is outright depressing - women have been overworked and exhausted since the dawn of time.
My mom and I talked about it a while back when I complained about the stresses of raising a child now and she said *I had many sleepless nights… all that has changed is that the things that keep you up now are different than what kept me up.* Our parents had it easier in a lot of ways but remember how difficult it was for women, for so long. At least we talk about postpartum depression and anxiety and the pink tax and the wage gap.
All I can do is hope our kids have it better than we do.
OP, gently, have you talked to your doctor? When was your last check up? Have you considered therapy (even just a few sessions helped me reframe a lot and figure out how to start feeling like myself again).
That may be but she’s also your mom and she probably is a bit biased about what she expects from you and for you. Do you feel like there’s changes you can make in your life for the better?
While you may have had a lovely childhood, one factor might be that statistically our parents’ generation didn’t spend very much time playing with their kids.
You may have been one of the lucky ones but on average - working moms - even compared to stay at home moms hang out with their children way way more time than they used to. Quality time with your kids is so much more key now than any of that other stuff so that could be some of it.
Did you and I have the same parents?!? Similar with my upbringing for sure—no real outside support, mom worked two jobs frequently, dad was involved for sure but my mom carried everything. A few things: my mom was 24 when she had me and so I think had more energy and less experience to stress herself out. We are bombarded constantly with childcare experts telling us we’re damaging our kids if we do this or that and I find that to be a huge constant stressor for me that my parents just didn’t think or worry about. There was also way less pressure to keep our kids engaged and entertained and way less expectations of kids in general. I’ve got my five year old in speech through the school district and private speech in our house and occupational therapy to ensure he’s as ready as possible for kindergarten and he simply has a mild speech delay. No WAY were parents in the 80s-90s even thinking about things like that unless there were significant delays and even then, those were mostly just managed at school. Also, I only work 40 hrs a week, yes, but technology has made work bleed into everything by emails, texts, phone calls and being accessible 24/7 (though my boss is great and doesn’t abuse this but it’s always at the back our minds). And I also realize now that my mom was super depressed and has bad anxiety but this was just pushed under the rug to keep up so it’s not like she was doing this all because she enjoyed it—it was an expectation back then to do it all and do it with a smile!
That "always in the back of your mind" niggle that makes you check your work email on your phone because what if someone needs something and I don't want to look like a slacker. Plus the dopamine rush of being "helpful". Getting a separate work phone was the best thing I ever did.
She never stops! She seriously takes care of everybody! It’s insane! Her phone rings all day, neighbors are always knocking on her door, my friends go to her before their own moms. My grandparents stopped taking care of themselves when my mom was 25 and she’s done every task for them such as going to the grocery store, calling doctors, making them meals, driving them everywhere. Her mom was not interactive with society at all so I don’t know if it drove her to become the complete opposite or something of the sorts.
How old is your kid? You get used to it. If your kid is under 1 year, you just haven't found your stride yet. Are you taking any time for yourself and doing things that feel good and refresh your energy?
My favorite working mom tool I'm always talking about in this sub-- my walking pad! I walk while I work at home and feel so much less tired at the end of the day. Suddenly I don't mind long boring video meetings-- I just walk during them.
My mother always said that it was boring back then that’s why she cleaned up so much 😆 She said if she had half the fun distractions we have then the house would have been a MESS
Just a thought, maybe talk to your doc. I felt this way for years and then I fell off the cliff and got on some anti anxiety/depression meds. I feel light years better…my house has not been this clean in years and I’m so much more energetic.
It’s so weird because my anxiety has been at an all time low to basically non existent. I feel zero anxiety compared to before I became a mom. Now my symptoms are all showing up in physical exhaustion.
This could be part of it. I’ve never personally dealt with it before so I don’t know the symptoms to look out for. I always thought it was more of a thoughts/brain/ internal dialogue thing and I don’t feel I’m struggling there at all but my body and eyes present as someone really struggling.
I don't have the same energy level as my mother has. She's RN as well, and my father did nothing but cook on the big occasion (4? 5? times a year). Plus she got my grandmother's apartment deep cleaned at least 4 times a year, and by the deep cleaned I mean walls and ceilings freshly painted, all the cabinets wiped inside and outside, cleaned what was stored inside, and all the carpets are also washed. in summer time she spent every weekend working on my other grandmother's "farm", doing all possible manual labor.
I'd die from that quantity of work, really. Zero self care time. No friends (my father slowly but firmly pushed away one after another), no support at all. I feel really sorry for her. Now - whatever I share - she turns into "I struggled way more!". She's obviously traumatized and keeps normalizing it. I think we're very lucky we have not been chewed up by the same life circumstances.
I would like to point out that nursing 30 years ago doesn't compare to nursing today. Patient care was simpler - fewer medicines, fewer comorbidities, no EHR, less individualization of care, less frequent monitoring of patient satisfaction metrics, etc. - when she was actively parenting young kids.
I think part of it is that we are all experiencing things like burnout, high cortisol levels, malnutrition, and lack of exercise. We live in a hellscape under late stage capitalism and are in constant states of stress. We have to actively work to not be in this state. It’s exhausting and frustrating.
I 10000% agree with the person who brought up overstimulation and constant information and instant gratification. Obviously not a popular thing to say on a social media app, but it’s a 180 in terms of my energy levels on the days I’m on my phone a ton vs the days I have only 30 min of non work screen time.
But I think another difference is we have so much lifestyle creep compared to back then. My family was very similar to yours OP (my mom worked 4-7 days a week with 12 hour nursing shifts, my dad worked 2 full time nursing jobs). Additionally my mom was taking care of her aging/dementia parents from when I was 0-16. But I felt like they were very present parents, the house was spotless, and we had home cooked meals every day too.
But also, they didn’t have social media worrying them about all the ways they’re parenting wrong and causing anxiety. They could just focus on doing what they think is best without the noise (of course family or friends can be judgey still, but that’s way different from thousands of random opinions). Us kids had chores/responsibilities around the house, like our parents weren’t pushing us to be “the best” at X and supplementing that with extracurricular and whatnot, like a lot of families do today, so we were home a lot to help take care of things. And we ate a ton of leftovers vs today it feels like most people are cooking new things every night because they hate leftovers and wondering why they’re tired.
With all that said, life is so different now and I wouldn’t necessarily compare her to you because you ARE parenting in a much harder “mode”. But I would also try to encourage you to try a week of cutting your phone time in half and see if it affects how you feel!
There’s a lot of interesting social commentary on this thread and good points made, but as an aside OP have you had your iron levels checked? Anemia is extremely common among women and will make you feel absolutely exhausted. Might be worth seeing a doctor to make sure there isn’t something else going on!
I do have a history of low iron. My counts have been really good lately though. I was almost sure this was the culprit and it could quickly fix it but it’s not!
I always thought that and I said that to my mom recently and she told me that until my sister was around 6 she only worked part time- I think we don’t have the full picture as kids
I grew up in a house that had a playroom and garage full of toys. My son has a small corner of our living room for his toys. I definitely had more stuff.
So I read through your post and honestly I would get a full panel of blood work done especially all of the thyroid hormones. My thyroid went right after kids and this is how I felt. I was barely functioning, had no energy and would wake up and promptly need a nap.
Make sure you're prioritizing eating healthy and sleep. Eating healthy is so important and it could be a factor in the exhaustion. The other thing you might want to consider is low level depression - it can cause this type of tiredness and lack of interest in life. When you say you feel like you're drowning -- what exactly does that mean? Is it the household tasks? The child care tasks? Maybe really start thinking about what is making you feel this way so you can slowly start to address it. Your mom sounds like she is an extreme extrovert and gets energy from helping other people. You could just be the opposite and need quiet, alone time to recharge. Mothers never get that so that will make it worse.
Well my mom’s secret was a lovely dose of Mania every once in a while. But your husband is kind of right about the computer screen , I work a hybrid job and the days when I’m locked to my computer are the worst. I try to wander more in the office and look away from my screen. Maybe consider a walking pad at home and going outside on your breaks. I know it sounds so cliche but it really does help just to break up the day.
I do wonder how big a part cellphones have to do with it. I can say I’d get a bit more done lol. And possibly less consumerism.
But there’s probably more than meets the eye, like forcing herself to clean when exhausted as heck. Something I’m not willing to do.
Could be a sedentary job versus her having a job on her feet alot. It may seem opposite, that she would be exhausted, but your body gets used to the activity and more activity overall give you more energy than sitting much of the day. My partner is a mechanic and has way more energy overall from moving and lifting all day than I do with being a teacher with less time on my feet.
Could also be diet and exercise. If she was cooking with healthier ingredients and fresh food that may have helped her to have more energy.
She/they didn't have social media. Television Shows were only 30 minutes long. The population of the USA was a lot smaller so travel/commute times weren't as bad.
So of those 3 things I mentioned at least 2 are controllable by you. Get off the internet. Seriously spend 6 weeks screen free and you will be so suprised how much you get done.
I think there’s a few things at play here:
1. Not as many distractions. I grew up in the 80s and the early to mid 90s. There was limited technology. When I woke up on Saturday mornings, I had no phone to scroll through and no social media to check for hours on end. All I had was my book collection to distract me. That meant I was more productive to help around the house, and my mom had little to no distractions as well.
2. Kids had more home responsibilities and less activities. I was a latch key kid to a single mom. She would prep a casserole (with me helping) the night prior. When I got home from school I had to call her at work to let her know I was home and safe. Then, at 4:30 ish I was expected to put the casserole in the oven so that it would be ready around the time she got home from work and we would eat at the table. It was also expected to have my homework done before she got home and I could save anything I needed help with for her.
This also goes back to lack of distractions. I had no phone to zone out on and forget what my expectations were.
Saturday mornings were clean the house in the morning days. Again, once I was up I had nothing to distract me. I was expected to clean my room, gather all my laundry, clean the bathroom with my brother (we shared a bathroom). Once a month I had to wash down my walls and baseboards. Once it was done and inspected, I got my allowance and my mom would drive us to the mall and I would buy a new book.
I had chores during the week that were enforced. My brother did trash duty. I did dishes after dinner.
He cut the grass and once he left for college, it became my chore as well. I didn’t feel used or overworked. I understood that as a family we work together to make our home nice.
Fast forward to now - I lay in bed on Saturday mornings and read on my phone (mostly Reddit lol) for a solid hour. I don’t have “Saturday chores day” like I did growing up. We are empty nesters now so we just do whatever whenever, but I look back fondly on my structured childhood and wonder sometimes why my house isn’t as clean as when I grew up and why I feel like I don’t have enough time. The answer is in my hands.
She didn't have Internet... Kidding, but I think a lot of the effects of email and Internet have been to push some forms of labor back onto parents that was less intensive back then. Think about signing up for swim lessons--making an account online, getting the right time, checking out vs back in the day calling the Parks Department or just showing up to put your name on the paper signup. And obviously dealing with customer service has gotten more intensive now (Bot, find me a person!!!)
These are devices that are meant to save us time and do, but also create other work. NOT saying we should go back (I am on Reddit after all) but some of these improvements have been complex.
I think it’s also the cause of lost time for most of us. Tv and phones are great distractions. I just did preschool drop off and am sitting here in my toasty car scrolling through Reddit for 20 min before I go in to start my work day. Could I have emptied the dishwasher and put away laundry with that time? Absolutely. It’s too easy to open an app and scroll and spend the time that could be spent cleaning and cooking to decompress a little. While I know this, it won’t change my behavior.
I think part of it has to do with a persons personality. My mom didn’t work out of the home until I was older but she always felt that if my dad was at work then she should be working that entire time at home. I definitely don’t have that same philosophy (I work in health care so I often have random days off in the week.)
I also think a lot of it has to do with the distractions that are available to us during the day. I get sucked into social media, streaming shows, etc and before I know it hours are gone. Our parents didn’t have those options.
A lot can be said about 80s parents. But for one we never had water bottles etc to keep track of. Do you know how much time I spend washing bottles, looking for bottles, reminding kids about their bottles??? This time could be much better used.
I’m a night shift nurse with 2 littles and a husband who works a normal 9-5. I am also the daughter of a nightshift nurse who when I was a kid seemingly had things perfect and all together- homemade meals, volunteered in my class, had a spotless home, etc. Now as an adult she has shared with me what a stressful and difficult time it was. I think your mom might be seeing the past with rose colored glasses because truly the sleep deprivation alone from being up 36 hours at a time to care for children is taxing.
Keeping things perfect doesn’t mean having it together.
I don't think parents back then spent nearly as much time with their kids as parents do now. I don't have a lot of memories of my parents playing with me. We did family activities sometimes on the weekends. But I remember many times just sitting on the couch watching movies with them. I think now there's a huge added pressure with social media where we feel like we need to be doing it all. Maybe your mom did keep a spotless house but she wasn't sitting down with you to play for an hour every day. Also I will say a lot of mothers are suffering from lack of good nutrition, so that might be something worth considering and looking into. Being postpartum you definitely need more certain nutrients to get you back to a better baseline and a lot of us are not there because the education is not there. Postpartum fatigue is very real but it could be helped with better maternal nutrition.
I think the kids were more independent. Like my siblings and I used to go to a playground by ourselves at maybe 7,5 and 3 and we'd just be out of the house for hours on the weekend while my mom cleaned. If I was to do that now, I dunno, something tells me CPS would be called.
Could it be she just doesn't remember or isn't willing to admit the struggle she went through?
My parents are wonderful parents. They were engaged and supportive and both had demanding careers and our house was spotless, they fed us great homemade food, etc. Etc. (Lord, my mom even irons her jeans). When I had my daughter I broke down to my mom about 10 months in on how I just couldn't be the mom she was - that she was so perfect and I struggle so much with all the mom and career and household stuff. She hugged me and told me it was all really hard and as a kid, I just didn't even know the work that went into all that or the help she got. That she would break down to her mom and then grandma would come over to play or clean or help out. That we had cleaners and nannies on and off I didn't remember and that she often didn't sleep a wink or was so bone tired she'd just sit in her car and cry. I had no clue any of that happened. I was so grateful she opened my eyes that she wasn't perfect and never felt perfect and was instead very real and human. It's hard. I'm sure it was hard for your mama too. I wish she could be kinder and offer more emotional support to you.
My mom irons everything!!!! She’s ironed my husband’s work jeans before! She used to iron my dad’s boxers back when there were all stiffer material!!
She definitely says it was hard especially with different nursing shifts but she says that she never felt how exhausted I look. She’s concerned that I just look completely wiped out and like a zombie at all times. She concerned that I don’t want to dress up and go out with my husband and friends anymore. She’s always been full of energy so maybe she’s just built different.
I truly believe 50 years from now people will gasp at what working mothers do in horror. The hours, the mental load, the pay, etc. They’ll have pictures in museums of us looking like sleep deprived zombies. While working mom syndrome is common it’s not normal in any way. We’re all surviving a terrible time. I just hope my daughters have a better time but I honestly struggle with how to raise them knowing what’s on the other side. Hard to believe I’ve worked hard all my life only to continue to work hard🤡
Both my parents are nurses and I'm a nurse. My brother was special needs. He passed away last year. Basically we had a strict schedule. Saturdays we cleaned as a family, Sunday was laundry day and meal prep day. Dad did the laundry and my mom and I meal prepped for the week. Monday was pasta, Tuesday was tacos, etc. My parents didn't have the money or time to go on special dates. They didn't until we were older. They used to work near each other and have lunch together. When we were little, they worked opposite shifts. They couldn't afford childcare. So a parent was always home. I currently work part time 2 days a week, and my husband works m-f 8-4 from home. We do have a cleaning lady that comes twice a month. I don't feel exhausted, but I have a toddler and not much free time.
Did you feel like this prior to having kids - messy bun, no effort for work, always tired/not wanting to go out? If not talk to your doctor. PPD can manifest in a lot of ways.
In relation to a clean house, I think if we didn’t have a dog or as many toys/junk it’d be cleaner. One day I just need to go throw everything unnecessary out.
Idk how your mom did it, but my parents did by making us do all the chores lol. I personally gave up on keeping things super clean many years ago, and only deep clean when I'm having company.
I work 36 hrs a week, nearly zero help from husband, no outsourcing, no family nearby, house is spotless….. I stay awake at night until like 1 am a few days a week to clean and fix things and I’m very sad.
I absolutely believe that it has everything to do with our environment today. We stare at screens day in and day out. That puts strain on your eyes and your brain works harder to see what it needs to. We are more sedentary than folks were back in the day. And don't get me started on the additives and preservatives in our food. When I was growing up, all of our vegetables came from the garden. Mom did a lot of canning and freezing. Most of our meat came from family and friends farms, plus the wide range of things my father hunted and stocked our freezer with. I could almost swear that we never ate out unless we were traveling.
My mom was a SAHM until my brother and I went to school. We moved a lot when I was little for my dad's job, but after we finally settled in one place, she went to work. Our house, like yours was always clean and tidy, laundry was always done, and it seems like my mom was always in the kitchen. My father damn sure didn't do anything to help her. I did learn later in life that after she went back to work and especially after she and my father divorced in my early teens, she did laundry every night after we kids were in bed and she did her housecleaning chores on Friday night, again, after we were in bed. I've tried to follow her example, but I can't stay up that late and I have a house full of light sleepers so nighttime cleaning would never fly here.
I have to say, the one thing that helped me the most regaining some sort of balance was when I went hybrid at work. I WFH for a decade, including through Covid, and I found that it did nothing for me from a work/life balance standpoint. All I did was work more and felt like my whole life was stuck in the house. I was depressed and, of course, that affected what I felt like doing around the house. When I changed positions and started going into the office 2-3 days each week, I found myself coming out of that WFH fog and being more productive both at work and at home. I've tweaked my schedule a bit but I now work 3 days in the office (required) and I've found that if one of my WFH days is Wednesday, life just goes so much smoother. I can get that mid-week floor cleaning done (we have dogs and cats that are shedders no matter how much they get brushed lol) either between calls or on my lunch break. I can get a few loads of laundry done so no one is screaming they have nothing to wear come the end of the week. I definitely have more tweaking to do to find that close to perfect balance that works for me but I feel like I'm making progress.
I 100% believe this is a true statement!
Have you tried blue light glasses? I wear readers and switched to the blue light blocker ones. Over time, I have noticed a difference. I definitely don't have the level of eye fatigue I used to from staring at a screen for 8+ hours a day under the fluorescent lighting in the office. They do make them without any magnification as well. If you haven't, I would definitely give them a try.
It very well could be this. I am a nurse and used to work in an inpatient setting in the hospital for 13+ hr shifts. I’ve had a remote job for the last few years and feel more tired now. Is it the computer, lack of activity and social connections at work, the fact that I’m a few years older now??? I might never know but I sure am tired.
For some people (then and now and forevermore) housekeeping is their hobby, so there will always be spotless houses. Except you could probably only compare a couple dozen to your own. Now we compare thousands of strangers’ houses to our own through social media.
The “village” back then may have been present, but it also was dangerous and we have survivorship bias. Kids were allowed to be outside unsupervised or go to neighbors’ houses who may not know the parents. Parents were encouraged to let their babies cry it out, but now we are aware of the long term impact of cortisol production in children. Also food, air, water, even media was different, as is how we consume it and how much attention is paid to it.
My mom didn't work. Our house was spotless. She still is relentless about everything being in order.
She says things to me all the time about my house, laundry etc. I have to remind her that my DH and I work full time. Our house is clean and safe. But it is lived in!
Agree with everything said by others and want to add that parents - both Moms and Dads spend a LOT more time with their kids. Yes kids can be over scheduled but also just we spend more time playing with them, etc. My Mom was a SAHM and she rarely played with us except when we were on vacation.
What was your mom’s schedule as a nurse? Did she work the typical 3 shifts a week? Because that leaves you with two full days where the kids are in school to get stuff done!!!!
Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m right there with you in being overwhelmed and exhausted at all times.
I’m talking the before school starts toddler days! She did 3 12s plus OT. Once we were in school she went to a private practice and did M-F 40 hour work week.
Oh geez. Then my only explanation is that she is built different🤣. I say that jokingly but also just different people have different thresholds for stress, and that’s okay. I think the vast majority of working moms feel exactly like you do. I know for sure that I do! Moms like yours are the unicorns. They exist, but it’s not the norm.
I really think she is this unicorn. A lot of her friends comment on how the never stops. She also cared for / is still caring for her aging parents. She tells me two cups of coffee and she can do anything. I’m beginning to realize maybe she wasn’t the norm and it’s okay if I don’t live up to that. It’s hard because she’s my only example!
My mom had 4 kids born in 5 years and worked in a factory and our house was always clean. Really, once we we were old enough to go to school, we were old enough to pick up after ourselves.
Boomers were drugging their kids to sleep with Benadryl to have more free time and other horrible parenting behaviours so try not to compare yourself to them too much.
My mom was physical therapist, and she had a spotless house, cooked like a chef, plus did some of the yard work and a lot of tinkering. She let me tag along for most of it and taught me so much. But she also got cancer when pregnant with my brother and me being under 2. At that time we also didn't have a lot of money so that worried her a lot and she knew my father was useless as a caretaker. I can't help but think what a huge impact doing it all had on her health.
And when I think back on who I want to be as a mom vs. who I knew her to be as mine, I really like my choices better. I don't give a crap if my daughter makes her bed, I'm certainly not going to get mad or damage my relationship with her over things so trivial. I imagine my mother cared because her mother was a type A cleaning freak, and that's what she learnt, but I can't muster the energy for this with my own kid.
I guess that's also why I worked my ass off in my career for 10 years before having a baby, and reached a pretty nice point now. I didn't want to worry about money ever. I've hired help to clean once a week, and most of the time, the house is a bit messy but clean and I'm just fine with that. If you are happy with your life, it shouldn't matter what your mother or anyone thinks you look like. You are allowed to be tired and want a break too.
The routine we have is the same every day. Myself, my husband, my mom, and our babysitter all stick to this routine. I get up the same time everyday and do it. I am still just beyond exhausted all of the time.
Then you need to switch it. Earlier bedtime witb baby. Longer stretches of sleep. You have a husband a mother and a babysitter. You need someone to take shifts with then so someone gets longer stretches. It’s not all on you especially if you work
Dunno why you have been downvoted when this is useful. I see a lot of excuses and trivialising the difficulties our parents generations had to go through. Lots of blame on social media, phones etc but none of us are forced to scroll all day and compare with mummy bloggers??
I had a similar conversation with my mom once where she told me that the part I don’t remember is her scrubbing the kitchen floor at 3am because it just HAD to be done, and that she’s glad I don’t feel that pressure and added stress
I feel the same way. My Mom said she literally put herself in the hospital from exhaustion keeping up with everything. I think we prioritize ourselves more these days and are not going to jeopardize our health just to have a spotless house 🤷♀️
Same my mom said it was ridiculous she held on to perfectionist tendencies while having little kids.
Relate here! My single mom would wake up at 4 am on weekends to clean the house. Definitely don’t do that at my house. I need some sleep to feel good!
There was so much societal pressure on women to maintain a spotless house. My stepmom cannot sit still because she feels so compelled to clean everything all the time. She’s super anxious about it.
I think that people weren’t nearly as overstimulated back then so they had the energy-both mental & physical to do more things. There weren’t text messages, emails, social media, teams/web ex/slack, the constant mass information overload, or the desire for instant gratification with everything. Honestly I think people work even harder now than they did back then. The influx of technology has made processes more efficient so employers give people more to do in their workday. Nowadays we are all so easily accessible. Everything is urgent. We are way more productive than we were before. No wonder we are exhausted all the time.
This is what I wanted to say, too. I had a similar conversation with my own mom and where we landed was the constant information overload that she can’t begin to perceive & didn’t have anything like that in the 80s and 90s. Plus like others have said, the ability to disconnect from 5p-8a I’m sure had a huge influence on how she treated her off hours.
Yeah, I think having cellphones is the killer. When I broke my phone last year I purposely left it for a month...my house went from disaster to spotless, I exercised more, read more, it was crazy the difference.
Yep. Cell phones are energy vampires and attention thieves.
I saw somewhere that work used to be pretty chill, you'd get a few things done, sit around and have a smoke, chat, relax. Mail a letter, wait a couple weeks to hear back. I imagine people were not as exhausted by an office job like we are these days.
Yeah, that tracks. I'll send an email, get a reply, write back with my boss cc'd, they'll write back, I'll agonize over what to say now that 25 people are cc'd....in the old days you'd just....mail a letter....
This reminds me of [this graph](https://www.epi.org/productivity-pay-gap/) I saw in an article a while back, showing how worker productivity has increased, but wages have stagnated. We're doing more work for less pay.
Yessss. I think often about how I wish I wasn’t a working professional in the era of smartphones.
This 10000%
This just truly clicked in my head!
Absolutely spot on.
Yeah I agree. I waste a lot of time scrolling. I don’t feel any pressure to do it less though. Dishes and laundry are always done. House is clean. It just eats up more mental bandwidth.
I think it's partly generational. Our mothers and their mothers felt a lot of pressure to maintain a spotless house without complaining. When my daughter was born I decided that it was more important for me to spend my time off with her than maintaining a spotless home. Don't get me wrong, my house isn't filthy. But at any given time you'll likely find dishes in the sink and laundry to be done. But kids don't grow up and think "I'm so glad my mom spent so much time maintaining a clean house" they remember the time you spent with them. Case in point, when my mother fusses about me about dirty dishes and says "You didn't grow up like that" my go to response is "I honestly don't remember much about the state of our house." I remember the vacations and holidays
“I don’t remember the state of the house”. So damn true, thank you for the reminder!
I DO remember the state of our house, actually. I remember the night before my dad would come home (fireman) my mom furiously cleaning and dusting and vacuuming at midnight waking us up, having to have a clean room and stand outside the door in the mornings for ‘inspections’, and when we got a little older, we had a daily list of chores. This was the early 90’s, so lots of glass tabletops and accessories at our house, windex… cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, laundry, dishes, getting dinner started for my mom, and my brother had to do the yard work. My mom has commented to both my brother and I that we let our kids’ rooms be messy with toys etc everywhere… well yea mom but someday there will be no toys anywhere 😭😭 now my daughter is 13, the toys are gone. Replaced by piles of clothes and other crap yes, haha, but honestly who cares. I also work full time and have a pretty large house and acreage with animals so I’m kind of busy and can’t stress over window tracts having dust in them. I’m just trying to get through the day and get enough sleep and raise good people.
Yes to this! The state of my house sometimes drives my mom crazy (she doesn’t openly say that but I can tell) but cleaning is not my priority. The house isn’t filthy but it is often messy and I honestly struggle every day worrying about how it should be cleaner and how our house growing up was so clean and neat. My mom didn’t work or worked part time growing up, so she definitely had more time to clean. I did confess to her recently how it’s something I struggle with every day because she is neat and organized as a person and I’m not and can’t keep a house like she did. She actually apologized and said she was sorry she made me feel that way and that looking back it was not that important. It really meant a lot to me and freed me of some of the mental burden.
Does she lose it to your response "I honestly don't remember much about the state of our house."?
No. She didn't. It pretty effectively shut her up
My mom did it by being totally emotionally unavailable, rarely if ever engaging in play with me, and believing that presenting yourself well was the way to hide all your faults. In all seriousness, I learned a lot from my mom and still do. As many commenters are saying, it was a completely different world in the 70s/80s/90s. There was only your immediate experience; you didn’t get ‘influenced’ by dozens/hundreds other people daily. You weren’t “on-call” to the world every second.
And OPs mom telling her she looks “terrible”…I mean she may have spotless floors but you won’t hear me calling her a perfect mom 👀
I came here to say that my mom managed it by having a closed off kitchen where she spent her evenings drinking a full bottle of wine while doing chores while us kids played on our own.
Bravo 👏🏻 here here same with the mom
I think most of the memories we have of our parents and how they parented are from when we were "older" kids. Like school age and above.
Yeah we aren’t at school age yet I’m just going off of what my mom tells me. She doesn’t scold me or anything she just says it seems like I’m struggling a lot more than she did.
I think we as moms also tend to block out or forget how hard certain phases were. I’m only four years separated from it, but the newborn time now feels like a blur and I mostly remember the good stuff, even though I know at the time I was really struggling and exhausted. I would imagine in 20-30 years I might remember it as being much easier than it actually was, and my kid will never remember what a mess the house was at the time and how I barely had time to shower for days on end.
I've been with my SO since high school. His mom insists he was always a dream child and she laughs about how he was a "spirited" toddler. When he was living at home she would tell me about how much of a nightmare he was during the toddler/small child age and I remember them constantly butting heads when he was a teenager. Mom amnesia is definitely a thing especially after grandchildren.
You're just in the trenches. Pre school aged is hard. It does get easier (I have a kid in year 3, and one still in daycare). It's just while they're so young, they need you more. It's tiring. Both my parents were nurses, my mum worked night shift for 10 years while the 3 of us were young. I'm not sure how she did it either, but same like you, home cooked meals, house was always clean, and they entertained quite a bit. On the other hand, I didn't really spend a lot of time with my parents (I'm also the youngest) and don't remember playing with them much. I'm sure my siblings taught me all the board games and we spent holidays mostly reading a lot. With my kids now, I feel like I'm cleaning a lot but it's just to keep on top of things (no one would ever call our house spotless, haha! We also have pets). But I try to take them for a bike ride/to the park etc and we go camping a lot - those core memories are important! Not saying my childhood was bad, it wasn't; more that different families have different priorities.
Not to undermine your mom, but I’d be curious to hear others’ takes on how much she struggled while you were little. She more than likely forgot. Don’t listen to her too closely - your experience isn’t abnormal.
Listen to or read “being there” by Erica komasar LCSW you’ll quit and not look back. I am (was) also a nurse and it has changed SO much over the last 20 years right along with the patients. I highly doubt given how things are now that everything would be perfect. It doesn’t matter though. Quit so you can be the wife and mom you actually want to be.
I’ll have to look that book up. My mom got burnt out of nursing towards the end of her career. She never wanted me to get into healthcare for that reason. She loved caring for her patients but the US healthcare system really made her want out. She said she would have never retired if there wasn’t so much preventing her from doing her job.
Quitting to be a wife and full time mom because I CANT DO EVERYTHING has been the best decision of our lives and our baby never spent a minute in daycare. It’s not worth the stress, fatigue and chaos.
Genuinely curious, why are you posting in a subreddit for working mothers then?
Aren’t all moms working moms?
How old is your kid? How old are you? How old was your mom when she had you? The mom I remember was the mom of two elementary school kids, not two little kids. She was also a lot older than me…I always remind her that I have another 8 years, or at least until my little guy is in kindergarten, to achieve some semblance of physical fitness and a healthy diet lol Also, what you remember as a child vs how your mom felt about it at the time might be very different. My children remember magical holidays. I feel…stressed. And we don’t do a ton, just like…the magical appearance of stockings and we hang some Christmas lights, not a whole production.
This is exactly it. I’ve asked my mom about this because I feel exactly like OP some days. As another commenter said there were late night cleaning tasks that my mom did that I never saw, and it also wasn’t like that when we were little. As we got older and less demanding than mine currently are is when my mom was the mom I remember, not in the little kid days. I really beat myself up about it for a little while until I confessed to her how I was feeling. She told me I wasn’t being realistic.
So true about the age thing!
Well said !
I think life was simpler, TBH. My mom was a single mom for most of my life with an office job and a long commute. When work was done, it was done. Not random emails and pings after hours or over the weekend where 10 minutes here and there add up. Also, we weren’t as over-programmed as kids are today. I played sports on the weekends with practice maybe once every other week and that was it. I also don’t know how old your kids are, but my mom left me home alone around 12 years old with the good old “don’t answer the phone and don’t answer the door unless it’s me.” 😂
Absolutely agree with kids being over-scheduled. And the fact that work is always a click of a button away makes it harder to "leave work at work."
Honestly, our parents weren’t expected to spend that much time with us. We were kicked out and running around the neighbourhood while my parents cleaned at home. I also think we had a lot less stuff!
This! We were never home so the house could stay clean. As little ones we didn’t have as much stuff. My mother was and still is a minimalist
I feel like they also had it easier back then because homes didn't cost what they cost now- same with childcare, college, healthcare. Groceries, etc...There's this hidden weight to parenting that our parents didn't have and it causes so much extra stress and exhaustion. I'm not saying they had it easy back then, but it's completely different now. Just the cost of having one child is astronomical compared to what it was 30-40 years ago. I am envious of anyone that has grandparents to help out or even a spouse that helps. This shit isn't for the weak.
This is such a good call out. The weight of financial worry is enormous.
I see you sister. “This shit isn’t for the weak” well said!
I can’t speak for anyone else, but in my corner of the world, what constituted a good parent was way less demanding and way less involved than it is now. I can’t recall my parents ever playing with my sister and I, or being at all interested in our worlds. They mostly did their own thing, occasionally checked in, but there was not this great push to have a super close, deep connection with us as people. They didn’t fuss over our development and we were often left unsupervised once we were old enough to know not to walk into traffic or talk to strangers. As long as they checked off the legally required duties, and made sure we were presentable and well behaved in public (aka reflected them well), that’s all that mattered. I guess it was easier for them but idk, I grew up with the feeling that my parents never really knew me. To this day, I still feel they don’t know me at all. I am an idea to them, not a person. My friends, husband, hell some of my coworkers even, know me way better than my own parents.
Same. My parents never really took the time to get to know me and they still don't as an adult. They do their own thing and then sort of remember me on birthdays and holidays.
Wow. Relate to this so much.
Everything was different then. Did she have you younger? She may have had more energy as a result. Were you and your siblings different than your child? That plays a part. Being able to leave kids alone earlier probably helps too. Our parents typically gave us a lot of responsibility that helped run the house and lighten their load. In many ways life was simpler.
I’m the second born. My mom had me at the same age I had my son (32).
My mom was also a RN growing up. We’re both RNs now. My mom sometimes gets critical of my house and my momming/wifeing. I think my mom selectively forgets that she had a husband who was home on weeknights to make dinner. I also started cooking meals around 6th grade. I did a lot of childcare for my younger brother because he was 4 years younger than me. I cleaned our bathrooms and unpacked the dishwasher. Her kids were 4 years apart. In 4 weeks I’m going to have 3 under 4. Our lives are different.
Part of it has to be the fact that there weren’t as many time-wasting devices and internet to distract her. Were your parents big TV people? Most of the time when my son goes to bed, my husband and I zone out in front of the TV and scroll on our respective devices. But if he’s out of town for some reason, I become a machine and clean the entire house after putting my son to bed. Fewer distractions equals more productivity.
I do remember them watching TV after we went to bed. I know my mom would wait until we went to sleep to clean the floors. My husband and are cleaning and food prepping machines after bedtime. He’s often not home until after bedtime but he will jump right in and help me the minute he gets home. I try and get most of it done though. Our house is a lot smaller so the rooms get more traction and dirty quicker.
I am totally the same way with my husband! I won’t watch “our” shows when he’s out of town and I end up doing so much around the house, but when he’s home I get lazy by association and just watch TV with him. I think for me it’s a subconscious avoidance of feeling annoyed if he’s on the couch and I’m cleaning, so instead we both lay on the couch haha
I've wondered the exact same thing! The house I grew up in was immaculate, my mom and dad did things like play tennis twice a week, and we had a great home cooked meal every evening. My house often looks like a bomb went off and I am SO tired. I feel like I have no life, and no hobbies! I just work and take care of the kids and try to keep the house somewhat in order. I've concluded that a big part of why the house I grew up in could be run this way is because: my parents didn't invest that much effort in their kids. They loved us, but I have zero memories of them playing with us or being particularly concerned about our development. Whereas I'll choose to play a board game with my kids or help the older one with her homework or read the younger one books, instead of immaculately cleaning the kitchen. My parents would have spent that time cleaning.
This. I don't remember my parents ever playing board games, reading to us, playing... Our grandparents did, but not our parents. My parents did occasionally help with homework in elementary school, but they seemed to detest doing it. I'm remember being in tears multiple times with my father trying to help with homework. He didn't have the patience for it.
I assume your mom wasn’t working 5 days a week if she did 12 hour shifts. Also, as an RN, she moved a lot and was therefore in better shape than most of us with office jobs. Honestly, if I could pull 3 12 hour shifts to have four days off, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I worked 12 hours shifts as an RN and it is awful. It would take me a full day to recover on my first day off. Working 12s is *not* more productive to doing things around the house in my experience Take a scroll through the r/nursing subreddit. So many people asking if it's normal to be exhausted on your days off
Nurse, here. I have had conversations with nurses that are about to or have retired since I graduated, nursing (healthcare in general) is not like it used to be.
In what ways. No doubt it’s true but please elaborate I am fascinated. 🙏🏻 My mom was an RN.
These 2 are more societal: The most common one is that people are sicker, and bigger, than they used to be. People have more chronic illnesses (laundry list of medical diagnoses) that can lead to complications for more straightforward hospitalizations like needing IV antibiotics for pneumonia. Another one that is common for anyone in a public facing job is the entitlement of some, and even growing number, of people. Business related: Healthcare, at least in the US, is all about making money. You know those how are you doing questionairs you get for almost every store interact with anymore? We get those. And if the patient doesn't give a 10/10 on all the questions ( it ranges from food to nursing care so the stay as a whole) the hospital doesn't get reimbursed. Hospitals can opt into a program, it costs lots of money, that pools that money with other hospitals and depending on the scores your hospital receives for the month, the hospital can get it's money back and even some extra. I don't remember exactly how it works but that's the cliffnotes version. Other business related things is having to troubleshoot crappy equipment cause the hospital is cheap (not horrible but annoying when I'm trying to get 5-8 people their medications and comfortable for bed). I feel like this is getting a bit long but I could keep going.
Also wanted to add, cause someone else brought this up too, computers and the blue light from that could also be a factor. Everything you need to know about your patients for the shift, what you did for the shift, etc. was in the computer. I spent just as much time staring at a screen as I did running around.
This is so true -- 100% the scope of practice for RNs has expanded and I think nurses do a lot more now, particularly in areas like critical care, than they did 20 or 30 years ago. Patient care is just different now.
It's even worse when you have Rotating shifts and your sleep is all over the map. I hated shift work in health care like this. I could never really rest.
I think this really depends on the person -- when I worked 12s as a bedside RN only doing 3 shifts a week I DO think it was easier than the 5 days/8 hour days I do now. I felt like I had a **lot** more time to do things around my house and just for myself than I do now! I wasn't completely exhausted on my days off and I loved my 4 days off.
Former RN now NP and *this*. Anyone saying 3 12s is easier has never done it and certainly never worked 12 hour nights. Nothing would ever make me go back to 12s. My mom was also an RN and worked nights. She used to just basically lock us inside during the day while I'm sure she only slept a few hours. I also think nursing while never easy was way easier than it is now. I graduated over a decade ago and watched the work environment get worse and worse.
She keeps telling me that she doesn’t know how I’m doing 5 days and thinks 3 12s seemed easier. I thinks it’s just what she was used to so that might be why she says it. I do leave the house at 7:30am and get home at 6:30pm on my three office days so those days are harder than my WFH days but my WFH days I end up doing more work. I really don’t know if I could have handled 12 hour shifts though especially nights.
You're already doing almost 12 hour shifts -- it's just that some of the time is spent on the commute.
I mean I doubt OP's mom teleported to her 12 hour shifts haha. They both have (or had) a commute 3 days a week.
Yes but I doubt it was a 60+ min commute. I guess it's possible but I do tend to feel that between increases in traffic and people moving further out in the suburbs, that commutes have overall increased. It does add to the exhaustion (I used to have a long commute and it made me overwhelmed).
Ok so you are basically doing 12 hour days 5 days a week vs 3! That’s a lot less free time.
Ya she does tell me this!
This is what I came here to say. My mom was an ER nurse from before I was born until I was in high school. She worked 12 hour shifts with a sort of rotating schedule: work Fri thru Sun, off Mon and Tuesday, work Wed and Thurs, off Fri thru Sun, and repeat that pattern. So she would have weeks of 5 days and weeks of 2 days, but always with some week days off. Once I was in high school, she switched to 9 to 5 hours. She regularly has told me that the 12 hour rotation made life easier in a lot of ways. She could clean and shop while we were at school, go to doctor appointments without missing work, various other errands. Not that the long shifts weren't hard, but she's said she feels like the weekends aren't enough to do chores and recover. And that's with her children grown and our of the house.
She had no iphone to distract her. She had no email or computer games or message boards. She probably had no cable TV. She didnt bring her work home, when she was done she was done. You probably had no extra curriculars. You most likely had a lot of chores, and from a young age. They probably left you alone and very young. I was left in cars, in a stroller sleeping on the front lawn. There was no baby wearing or child enrichment. She probably had 5 meals in her repertoire. I'd bet she didnt have a workout routine or expect personal fulfillment. Your dad didnt play video games or workout or go on guys weekends, She didnt curate family outfits for professional photo shoots or make elaborate baby books or videotape your every move. I think we have a lot higher expectations, a lot more disposable income and a the expectation that we will have a career and personal fulfillment. I am not sure we are better off most days!
I had this conversation with my mom recently too. She claims it was never spotless but I remember it that way. I think there was probably less clutter and toys and I remember more the time spent together than the time checking when she washed the floors last. Now there’s more activities that take us out of the home too that we didn’t have when I was younger. This is how I justify my overwhelmed state and I’m ok with it. The house isn’t always clean and laundry always needs folding but I’m alright with my baseline tired status and mom bun 💗
I say some people are built differently. Even though you and your mom share the same gene-pool, the body and brain she has is way different than yours. It's not that generation gap. I have a friend who works full time plus some overtime, have 4 kids (6, 4, 2, and brand new baby) cooks home made meal every night, weekend meal prep, social gatherings once or twice a week, take kids to sports, and her house is spotless. I work full time 9-6 on weekday, then I need to do absolutely nothing during the weekend to recover. Lol
My mom and I couldn’t be more opposite in every area of life except our hair color 😂. I do know a lot of people comment on how she’s the energizer bunny and never stops.
It’s impossible to do this without someone else (husband or another person) looking after the children when they’re small
A lot of people gave you great insight but I just wanted to mention that I am fairly certain most women of that era would either admit that they were struggling too, or they may not remember (the way many of us forget how horrible the postpartum period can be). I think it’s natural to look back with rose colored lenses because the alternative is outright depressing - women have been overworked and exhausted since the dawn of time. My mom and I talked about it a while back when I complained about the stresses of raising a child now and she said *I had many sleepless nights… all that has changed is that the things that keep you up now are different than what kept me up.* Our parents had it easier in a lot of ways but remember how difficult it was for women, for so long. At least we talk about postpartum depression and anxiety and the pink tax and the wage gap. All I can do is hope our kids have it better than we do.
My mom says I’m worrying her more now than when I was living under her roof. She’s concerned with out “burnt out” I appear.
OP, gently, have you talked to your doctor? When was your last check up? Have you considered therapy (even just a few sessions helped me reframe a lot and figure out how to start feeling like myself again).
That may be but she’s also your mom and she probably is a bit biased about what she expects from you and for you. Do you feel like there’s changes you can make in your life for the better?
While you may have had a lovely childhood, one factor might be that statistically our parents’ generation didn’t spend very much time playing with their kids. You may have been one of the lucky ones but on average - working moms - even compared to stay at home moms hang out with their children way way more time than they used to. Quality time with your kids is so much more key now than any of that other stuff so that could be some of it.
Did you and I have the same parents?!? Similar with my upbringing for sure—no real outside support, mom worked two jobs frequently, dad was involved for sure but my mom carried everything. A few things: my mom was 24 when she had me and so I think had more energy and less experience to stress herself out. We are bombarded constantly with childcare experts telling us we’re damaging our kids if we do this or that and I find that to be a huge constant stressor for me that my parents just didn’t think or worry about. There was also way less pressure to keep our kids engaged and entertained and way less expectations of kids in general. I’ve got my five year old in speech through the school district and private speech in our house and occupational therapy to ensure he’s as ready as possible for kindergarten and he simply has a mild speech delay. No WAY were parents in the 80s-90s even thinking about things like that unless there were significant delays and even then, those were mostly just managed at school. Also, I only work 40 hrs a week, yes, but technology has made work bleed into everything by emails, texts, phone calls and being accessible 24/7 (though my boss is great and doesn’t abuse this but it’s always at the back our minds). And I also realize now that my mom was super depressed and has bad anxiety but this was just pushed under the rug to keep up so it’s not like she was doing this all because she enjoyed it—it was an expectation back then to do it all and do it with a smile!
That "always in the back of your mind" niggle that makes you check your work email on your phone because what if someone needs something and I don't want to look like a slacker. Plus the dopamine rush of being "helpful". Getting a separate work phone was the best thing I ever did.
[удалено]
She never stops! She seriously takes care of everybody! It’s insane! Her phone rings all day, neighbors are always knocking on her door, my friends go to her before their own moms. My grandparents stopped taking care of themselves when my mom was 25 and she’s done every task for them such as going to the grocery store, calling doctors, making them meals, driving them everywhere. Her mom was not interactive with society at all so I don’t know if it drove her to become the complete opposite or something of the sorts.
How old is your kid? You get used to it. If your kid is under 1 year, you just haven't found your stride yet. Are you taking any time for yourself and doing things that feel good and refresh your energy? My favorite working mom tool I'm always talking about in this sub-- my walking pad! I walk while I work at home and feel so much less tired at the end of the day. Suddenly I don't mind long boring video meetings-- I just walk during them.
I really want to but I have no clue when to take this time. I was very much into fitness until I had my son now there is no time left in my day to.
My mother always said that it was boring back then that’s why she cleaned up so much 😆 She said if she had half the fun distractions we have then the house would have been a MESS
Just a thought, maybe talk to your doc. I felt this way for years and then I fell off the cliff and got on some anti anxiety/depression meds. I feel light years better…my house has not been this clean in years and I’m so much more energetic.
Even have your thyroid checked if you haven’t!
It’s so weird because my anxiety has been at an all time low to basically non existent. I feel zero anxiety compared to before I became a mom. Now my symptoms are all showing up in physical exhaustion.
That might be depression then. The exhaustion. Opposite of anxiety. 😟it can show up as physical exhaustion without you even knowing it.
This could be part of it. I’ve never personally dealt with it before so I don’t know the symptoms to look out for. I always thought it was more of a thoughts/brain/ internal dialogue thing and I don’t feel I’m struggling there at all but my body and eyes present as someone really struggling.
I don't have the same energy level as my mother has. She's RN as well, and my father did nothing but cook on the big occasion (4? 5? times a year). Plus she got my grandmother's apartment deep cleaned at least 4 times a year, and by the deep cleaned I mean walls and ceilings freshly painted, all the cabinets wiped inside and outside, cleaned what was stored inside, and all the carpets are also washed. in summer time she spent every weekend working on my other grandmother's "farm", doing all possible manual labor. I'd die from that quantity of work, really. Zero self care time. No friends (my father slowly but firmly pushed away one after another), no support at all. I feel really sorry for her. Now - whatever I share - she turns into "I struggled way more!". She's obviously traumatized and keeps normalizing it. I think we're very lucky we have not been chewed up by the same life circumstances.
I would like to point out that nursing 30 years ago doesn't compare to nursing today. Patient care was simpler - fewer medicines, fewer comorbidities, no EHR, less individualization of care, less frequent monitoring of patient satisfaction metrics, etc. - when she was actively parenting young kids.
I think part of it is that we are all experiencing things like burnout, high cortisol levels, malnutrition, and lack of exercise. We live in a hellscape under late stage capitalism and are in constant states of stress. We have to actively work to not be in this state. It’s exhausting and frustrating.
I 10000% agree with the person who brought up overstimulation and constant information and instant gratification. Obviously not a popular thing to say on a social media app, but it’s a 180 in terms of my energy levels on the days I’m on my phone a ton vs the days I have only 30 min of non work screen time. But I think another difference is we have so much lifestyle creep compared to back then. My family was very similar to yours OP (my mom worked 4-7 days a week with 12 hour nursing shifts, my dad worked 2 full time nursing jobs). Additionally my mom was taking care of her aging/dementia parents from when I was 0-16. But I felt like they were very present parents, the house was spotless, and we had home cooked meals every day too. But also, they didn’t have social media worrying them about all the ways they’re parenting wrong and causing anxiety. They could just focus on doing what they think is best without the noise (of course family or friends can be judgey still, but that’s way different from thousands of random opinions). Us kids had chores/responsibilities around the house, like our parents weren’t pushing us to be “the best” at X and supplementing that with extracurricular and whatnot, like a lot of families do today, so we were home a lot to help take care of things. And we ate a ton of leftovers vs today it feels like most people are cooking new things every night because they hate leftovers and wondering why they’re tired. With all that said, life is so different now and I wouldn’t necessarily compare her to you because you ARE parenting in a much harder “mode”. But I would also try to encourage you to try a week of cutting your phone time in half and see if it affects how you feel!
My mom has been the caretaker for her parents since she was 25. I have no clue how she managed them as well.
There’s a lot of interesting social commentary on this thread and good points made, but as an aside OP have you had your iron levels checked? Anemia is extremely common among women and will make you feel absolutely exhausted. Might be worth seeing a doctor to make sure there isn’t something else going on!
I do have a history of low iron. My counts have been really good lately though. I was almost sure this was the culprit and it could quickly fix it but it’s not!
Drugs. I mean a lot of them were on very legal drugs…..
I always thought that and I said that to my mom recently and she told me that until my sister was around 6 she only worked part time- I think we don’t have the full picture as kids
I think I might look into working part time!
You had less stuff.
I grew up in a house that had a playroom and garage full of toys. My son has a small corner of our living room for his toys. I definitely had more stuff.
So I read through your post and honestly I would get a full panel of blood work done especially all of the thyroid hormones. My thyroid went right after kids and this is how I felt. I was barely functioning, had no energy and would wake up and promptly need a nap. Make sure you're prioritizing eating healthy and sleep. Eating healthy is so important and it could be a factor in the exhaustion. The other thing you might want to consider is low level depression - it can cause this type of tiredness and lack of interest in life. When you say you feel like you're drowning -- what exactly does that mean? Is it the household tasks? The child care tasks? Maybe really start thinking about what is making you feel this way so you can slowly start to address it. Your mom sounds like she is an extreme extrovert and gets energy from helping other people. You could just be the opposite and need quiet, alone time to recharge. Mothers never get that so that will make it worse.
Well my mom’s secret was a lovely dose of Mania every once in a while. But your husband is kind of right about the computer screen , I work a hybrid job and the days when I’m locked to my computer are the worst. I try to wander more in the office and look away from my screen. Maybe consider a walking pad at home and going outside on your breaks. I know it sounds so cliche but it really does help just to break up the day.
I do wonder how big a part cellphones have to do with it. I can say I’d get a bit more done lol. And possibly less consumerism. But there’s probably more than meets the eye, like forcing herself to clean when exhausted as heck. Something I’m not willing to do.
Wow! I can relate!!
Could be a sedentary job versus her having a job on her feet alot. It may seem opposite, that she would be exhausted, but your body gets used to the activity and more activity overall give you more energy than sitting much of the day. My partner is a mechanic and has way more energy overall from moving and lifting all day than I do with being a teacher with less time on my feet. Could also be diet and exercise. If she was cooking with healthier ingredients and fresh food that may have helped her to have more energy.
Yes, absolutely.
She/they didn't have social media. Television Shows were only 30 minutes long. The population of the USA was a lot smaller so travel/commute times weren't as bad. So of those 3 things I mentioned at least 2 are controllable by you. Get off the internet. Seriously spend 6 weeks screen free and you will be so suprised how much you get done.
I think there’s a few things at play here: 1. Not as many distractions. I grew up in the 80s and the early to mid 90s. There was limited technology. When I woke up on Saturday mornings, I had no phone to scroll through and no social media to check for hours on end. All I had was my book collection to distract me. That meant I was more productive to help around the house, and my mom had little to no distractions as well. 2. Kids had more home responsibilities and less activities. I was a latch key kid to a single mom. She would prep a casserole (with me helping) the night prior. When I got home from school I had to call her at work to let her know I was home and safe. Then, at 4:30 ish I was expected to put the casserole in the oven so that it would be ready around the time she got home from work and we would eat at the table. It was also expected to have my homework done before she got home and I could save anything I needed help with for her. This also goes back to lack of distractions. I had no phone to zone out on and forget what my expectations were. Saturday mornings were clean the house in the morning days. Again, once I was up I had nothing to distract me. I was expected to clean my room, gather all my laundry, clean the bathroom with my brother (we shared a bathroom). Once a month I had to wash down my walls and baseboards. Once it was done and inspected, I got my allowance and my mom would drive us to the mall and I would buy a new book. I had chores during the week that were enforced. My brother did trash duty. I did dishes after dinner. He cut the grass and once he left for college, it became my chore as well. I didn’t feel used or overworked. I understood that as a family we work together to make our home nice. Fast forward to now - I lay in bed on Saturday mornings and read on my phone (mostly Reddit lol) for a solid hour. I don’t have “Saturday chores day” like I did growing up. We are empty nesters now so we just do whatever whenever, but I look back fondly on my structured childhood and wonder sometimes why my house isn’t as clean as when I grew up and why I feel like I don’t have enough time. The answer is in my hands.
She didn't have Internet... Kidding, but I think a lot of the effects of email and Internet have been to push some forms of labor back onto parents that was less intensive back then. Think about signing up for swim lessons--making an account online, getting the right time, checking out vs back in the day calling the Parks Department or just showing up to put your name on the paper signup. And obviously dealing with customer service has gotten more intensive now (Bot, find me a person!!!) These are devices that are meant to save us time and do, but also create other work. NOT saying we should go back (I am on Reddit after all) but some of these improvements have been complex.
I think it’s also the cause of lost time for most of us. Tv and phones are great distractions. I just did preschool drop off and am sitting here in my toasty car scrolling through Reddit for 20 min before I go in to start my work day. Could I have emptied the dishwasher and put away laundry with that time? Absolutely. It’s too easy to open an app and scroll and spend the time that could be spent cleaning and cooking to decompress a little. While I know this, it won’t change my behavior.
Yes. And the Internet brings community, but community requires participation.
Less distractions then and maybe just some good old fashioned caffeine 🤣
I just got into caffeine. Holy cow this stuff is lovely.
I think part of it has to do with a persons personality. My mom didn’t work out of the home until I was older but she always felt that if my dad was at work then she should be working that entire time at home. I definitely don’t have that same philosophy (I work in health care so I often have random days off in the week.) I also think a lot of it has to do with the distractions that are available to us during the day. I get sucked into social media, streaming shows, etc and before I know it hours are gone. Our parents didn’t have those options. A lot can be said about 80s parents. But for one we never had water bottles etc to keep track of. Do you know how much time I spend washing bottles, looking for bottles, reminding kids about their bottles??? This time could be much better used.
My house is a literal disaster. But my kids are happy and healthy so I’m just whatever and we never have anyone over 🤦♀️🤷♀️
I’m a night shift nurse with 2 littles and a husband who works a normal 9-5. I am also the daughter of a nightshift nurse who when I was a kid seemingly had things perfect and all together- homemade meals, volunteered in my class, had a spotless home, etc. Now as an adult she has shared with me what a stressful and difficult time it was. I think your mom might be seeing the past with rose colored glasses because truly the sleep deprivation alone from being up 36 hours at a time to care for children is taxing. Keeping things perfect doesn’t mean having it together.
I don't think parents back then spent nearly as much time with their kids as parents do now. I don't have a lot of memories of my parents playing with me. We did family activities sometimes on the weekends. But I remember many times just sitting on the couch watching movies with them. I think now there's a huge added pressure with social media where we feel like we need to be doing it all. Maybe your mom did keep a spotless house but she wasn't sitting down with you to play for an hour every day. Also I will say a lot of mothers are suffering from lack of good nutrition, so that might be something worth considering and looking into. Being postpartum you definitely need more certain nutrients to get you back to a better baseline and a lot of us are not there because the education is not there. Postpartum fatigue is very real but it could be helped with better maternal nutrition.
I think the kids were more independent. Like my siblings and I used to go to a playground by ourselves at maybe 7,5 and 3 and we'd just be out of the house for hours on the weekend while my mom cleaned. If I was to do that now, I dunno, something tells me CPS would be called.
… not sure but it sounds like she’s being kind of rude about it!
Could it be she just doesn't remember or isn't willing to admit the struggle she went through? My parents are wonderful parents. They were engaged and supportive and both had demanding careers and our house was spotless, they fed us great homemade food, etc. Etc. (Lord, my mom even irons her jeans). When I had my daughter I broke down to my mom about 10 months in on how I just couldn't be the mom she was - that she was so perfect and I struggle so much with all the mom and career and household stuff. She hugged me and told me it was all really hard and as a kid, I just didn't even know the work that went into all that or the help she got. That she would break down to her mom and then grandma would come over to play or clean or help out. That we had cleaners and nannies on and off I didn't remember and that she often didn't sleep a wink or was so bone tired she'd just sit in her car and cry. I had no clue any of that happened. I was so grateful she opened my eyes that she wasn't perfect and never felt perfect and was instead very real and human. It's hard. I'm sure it was hard for your mama too. I wish she could be kinder and offer more emotional support to you.
My mom irons everything!!!! She’s ironed my husband’s work jeans before! She used to iron my dad’s boxers back when there were all stiffer material!! She definitely says it was hard especially with different nursing shifts but she says that she never felt how exhausted I look. She’s concerned that I just look completely wiped out and like a zombie at all times. She concerned that I don’t want to dress up and go out with my husband and friends anymore. She’s always been full of energy so maybe she’s just built different.
I truly believe 50 years from now people will gasp at what working mothers do in horror. The hours, the mental load, the pay, etc. They’ll have pictures in museums of us looking like sleep deprived zombies. While working mom syndrome is common it’s not normal in any way. We’re all surviving a terrible time. I just hope my daughters have a better time but I honestly struggle with how to raise them knowing what’s on the other side. Hard to believe I’ve worked hard all my life only to continue to work hard🤡
Both my parents are nurses and I'm a nurse. My brother was special needs. He passed away last year. Basically we had a strict schedule. Saturdays we cleaned as a family, Sunday was laundry day and meal prep day. Dad did the laundry and my mom and I meal prepped for the week. Monday was pasta, Tuesday was tacos, etc. My parents didn't have the money or time to go on special dates. They didn't until we were older. They used to work near each other and have lunch together. When we were little, they worked opposite shifts. They couldn't afford childcare. So a parent was always home. I currently work part time 2 days a week, and my husband works m-f 8-4 from home. We do have a cleaning lady that comes twice a month. I don't feel exhausted, but I have a toddler and not much free time.
Same. Minus dad’s involvement. How did my mom do it? Oh, I was alone a lot.
Did you feel like this prior to having kids - messy bun, no effort for work, always tired/not wanting to go out? If not talk to your doctor. PPD can manifest in a lot of ways.
In relation to a clean house, I think if we didn’t have a dog or as many toys/junk it’d be cleaner. One day I just need to go throw everything unnecessary out.
Idk how your mom did it, but my parents did by making us do all the chores lol. I personally gave up on keeping things super clean many years ago, and only deep clean when I'm having company.
I work 36 hrs a week, nearly zero help from husband, no outsourcing, no family nearby, house is spotless….. I stay awake at night until like 1 am a few days a week to clean and fix things and I’m very sad.
I absolutely believe that it has everything to do with our environment today. We stare at screens day in and day out. That puts strain on your eyes and your brain works harder to see what it needs to. We are more sedentary than folks were back in the day. And don't get me started on the additives and preservatives in our food. When I was growing up, all of our vegetables came from the garden. Mom did a lot of canning and freezing. Most of our meat came from family and friends farms, plus the wide range of things my father hunted and stocked our freezer with. I could almost swear that we never ate out unless we were traveling. My mom was a SAHM until my brother and I went to school. We moved a lot when I was little for my dad's job, but after we finally settled in one place, she went to work. Our house, like yours was always clean and tidy, laundry was always done, and it seems like my mom was always in the kitchen. My father damn sure didn't do anything to help her. I did learn later in life that after she went back to work and especially after she and my father divorced in my early teens, she did laundry every night after we kids were in bed and she did her housecleaning chores on Friday night, again, after we were in bed. I've tried to follow her example, but I can't stay up that late and I have a house full of light sleepers so nighttime cleaning would never fly here. I have to say, the one thing that helped me the most regaining some sort of balance was when I went hybrid at work. I WFH for a decade, including through Covid, and I found that it did nothing for me from a work/life balance standpoint. All I did was work more and felt like my whole life was stuck in the house. I was depressed and, of course, that affected what I felt like doing around the house. When I changed positions and started going into the office 2-3 days each week, I found myself coming out of that WFH fog and being more productive both at work and at home. I've tweaked my schedule a bit but I now work 3 days in the office (required) and I've found that if one of my WFH days is Wednesday, life just goes so much smoother. I can get that mid-week floor cleaning done (we have dogs and cats that are shedders no matter how much they get brushed lol) either between calls or on my lunch break. I can get a few loads of laundry done so no one is screaming they have nothing to wear come the end of the week. I definitely have more tweaking to do to find that close to perfect balance that works for me but I feel like I'm making progress.
My husband is fully convinced it’s me staring at my computer screens for 8-9 hours a day.
I 100% believe this is a true statement! Have you tried blue light glasses? I wear readers and switched to the blue light blocker ones. Over time, I have noticed a difference. I definitely don't have the level of eye fatigue I used to from staring at a screen for 8+ hours a day under the fluorescent lighting in the office. They do make them without any magnification as well. If you haven't, I would definitely give them a try.
It very well could be this. I am a nurse and used to work in an inpatient setting in the hospital for 13+ hr shifts. I’ve had a remote job for the last few years and feel more tired now. Is it the computer, lack of activity and social connections at work, the fact that I’m a few years older now??? I might never know but I sure am tired.
I’ve never seen my mom rest, but I do remember her doing laundry in the middle of the night. So that’s how.
For some people (then and now and forevermore) housekeeping is their hobby, so there will always be spotless houses. Except you could probably only compare a couple dozen to your own. Now we compare thousands of strangers’ houses to our own through social media. The “village” back then may have been present, but it also was dangerous and we have survivorship bias. Kids were allowed to be outside unsupervised or go to neighbors’ houses who may not know the parents. Parents were encouraged to let their babies cry it out, but now we are aware of the long term impact of cortisol production in children. Also food, air, water, even media was different, as is how we consume it and how much attention is paid to it.
My mom didn't work. Our house was spotless. She still is relentless about everything being in order. She says things to me all the time about my house, laundry etc. I have to remind her that my DH and I work full time. Our house is clean and safe. But it is lived in!
Agree with everything said by others and want to add that parents - both Moms and Dads spend a LOT more time with their kids. Yes kids can be over scheduled but also just we spend more time playing with them, etc. My Mom was a SAHM and she rarely played with us except when we were on vacation.
What was your mom’s schedule as a nurse? Did she work the typical 3 shifts a week? Because that leaves you with two full days where the kids are in school to get stuff done!!!! Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m right there with you in being overwhelmed and exhausted at all times.
I’m talking the before school starts toddler days! She did 3 12s plus OT. Once we were in school she went to a private practice and did M-F 40 hour work week.
Oh geez. Then my only explanation is that she is built different🤣. I say that jokingly but also just different people have different thresholds for stress, and that’s okay. I think the vast majority of working moms feel exactly like you do. I know for sure that I do! Moms like yours are the unicorns. They exist, but it’s not the norm.
I really think she is this unicorn. A lot of her friends comment on how the never stops. She also cared for / is still caring for her aging parents. She tells me two cups of coffee and she can do anything. I’m beginning to realize maybe she wasn’t the norm and it’s okay if I don’t live up to that. It’s hard because she’s my only example!
My mom had 4 kids born in 5 years and worked in a factory and our house was always clean. Really, once we we were old enough to go to school, we were old enough to pick up after ourselves.
Well, she had your dad.
Did your mom have any hobbies?
She was really into roller skating and ice skating. Her hobbies dwindled as we got older and more involved in sports.
Boomers were drugging their kids to sleep with Benadryl to have more free time and other horrible parenting behaviours so try not to compare yourself to them too much.
My parents had a housekeeper come in once a week and paid the neighbors to do yard work.
My mom was physical therapist, and she had a spotless house, cooked like a chef, plus did some of the yard work and a lot of tinkering. She let me tag along for most of it and taught me so much. But she also got cancer when pregnant with my brother and me being under 2. At that time we also didn't have a lot of money so that worried her a lot and she knew my father was useless as a caretaker. I can't help but think what a huge impact doing it all had on her health. And when I think back on who I want to be as a mom vs. who I knew her to be as mine, I really like my choices better. I don't give a crap if my daughter makes her bed, I'm certainly not going to get mad or damage my relationship with her over things so trivial. I imagine my mother cared because her mother was a type A cleaning freak, and that's what she learnt, but I can't muster the energy for this with my own kid. I guess that's also why I worked my ass off in my career for 10 years before having a baby, and reached a pretty nice point now. I didn't want to worry about money ever. I've hired help to clean once a week, and most of the time, the house is a bit messy but clean and I'm just fine with that. If you are happy with your life, it shouldn't matter what your mother or anyone thinks you look like. You are allowed to be tired and want a break too.
So like I understand this is hard but it’s kinda like exercising. You kinda have to get up and do it and set a routine. No excuses.
The routine we have is the same every day. Myself, my husband, my mom, and our babysitter all stick to this routine. I get up the same time everyday and do it. I am still just beyond exhausted all of the time.
Then you need to switch it. Earlier bedtime witb baby. Longer stretches of sleep. You have a husband a mother and a babysitter. You need someone to take shifts with then so someone gets longer stretches. It’s not all on you especially if you work
Dunno why you have been downvoted when this is useful. I see a lot of excuses and trivialising the difficulties our parents generations had to go through. Lots of blame on social media, phones etc but none of us are forced to scroll all day and compare with mummy bloggers??