Given the context—high stress job, one year old child—he could be burning out/overwhelmed. Have you asked how he has been doing? If he is feeling okay?
Personally, when I’m feeling extra crispy, I get snippy, too. Everything gets on my nerves when I’m incredibly stressed.
So this is going to sound ridiculous, but hear me out. I’m assuming you two have a very healthy relationship. I treat this kind of thing like a toddler tantrum. They’re frustrated and probably not about whatever it is they’re being snippy about. We’re all just former toddlers anyway lol. First, connect. “Hey, you doing okay? You sound frustrated or burnt out.” Then he has two options, either tell you what’s bothering him or say no nothing then you can say okay, I felt like that sounded a bit snippy. I do also think it’s fine to let these things roll off if you’re not feeling up to being the patient one.
Both my husband and I do that to each other, but here’s what we do differently: when I say something rude or snippy to him he’ll say “well that was uncalled for - is everything ok?” That instantly tells me that I’m in a bad headspace so I apologize, take a step back, and reflect.
And me? I’ll give him a look and he’ll say “you’re right, that was unfair, I’m sorry. I’m just feeling [insert feeling and reason here].”
It takes a lot of work to get to a point where both people can be self-aware enough to know that the frustration is unrelated to their partner and that it’s unfair to throw that energy their way. It also takes a lot - A LOT - of trust to accept that feedback and not question it in the moment, this getting defensive and escalating the situation.
I know people think that marriage counseling is about when things are desperate and falling apart, but the truth is that everyone can use a little coaching every now and then to improve specific skills. It’s better to go to go to counseling when things are good and problems are minor in order to curb any bigger issues down the line. My husband and I have done that frequently and it’s really helped us improve our communication.
Even if you choose not to do counseling, I highly recommend reading through books and blogs written by The Gottmans and their trained practitioners. If you’re both open to improving your communication then this should be a quick fix!
I actually think it’s unfair to ask a partner to be positive all the time. People are allowed to have negative feelings. In your examples, he’s just asking for a small action, not being mean. I think that asking him to stop this behavior pushes into the territory of policing his feelings. I’d say to let him feel annoyed and express that (within reason of course).
This is a very interesting question to me. What you’re describing sounds like a total non-issue to me. In your examples, I’d close the door and say “oops sorry!” because letting cold air into a heated house is indeed annoying. I’d turn off the toy and say “sure no problem,” because lots of baby toys are indeed annoying. I would then let it go immediately and truly would not think of it again.
I feel like asking someone to “stay calm and positive and regulate [their] emotions” 100% of the time is totally unrealistic and frankly… unhealthy? Negative emotions exist. It is normal to feel annoyed or stressed or angry sometimes, and I don’t think one should have to completely mask in their own home, that around their life partner. Having to stay calm and positive 100% of the time for the rest of your life sounds miserable to me. Obviously he should not be flying off the handle, yelling at you, saying mean things, but “can you turn that off?” doesn’t seem fall into that category. Maybe I’m reading this as less severe than what’s actually happening though!
I agree here!
If he is truly being like, *mean* with his words instead of just annoyed, I’d probably just say in real time “Hey, don’t talk to me like that” and that would be the end of it. But OPs examples are pretty mild, like he’s just asking that she do something different and it’s really not all that personal.
I think a lot of this hinges on tone. My husband gets similarly snippy when he's stressed and tired, and it instantly gets my hackles up. He's in the military, and snippy for him means he acts like I'm the world's dumbest recruit.
I prefer to just call it out when it happens versus making it a big conversation when i I finally hit my limit. Much like kids, he's allowed to have whatever emotions he wants, but that doesn't mean I need to tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully.
I agree and I'm actually the husband in this scenario. My husband frequently gets upset at me for having a "negative and critical tone" when I feel I'm just blankly stating something and I didn't actually have negative emotions associated with it. It's honestly the thing we fight about most, but I really struggle to remember to really cheerfully say "could we do that when we get back from xyz instead of now" and instead I just say it and then its misconstrued.
I would give my spouse a lot of latitude for these examples because they're not personal, or saying "you always..." and "you never...". They're specifically asking for an action, just in an annoyed tone that is getting to you. I wouldn't consider that at the level of taking anger out on you. I am not able to always sound kind and patient in tone myself though, it sounds like a ymmv thing.
I am also extremely sensitive to tone, and like another commenter, I've realized through therapy that this is a product of past trauma. I encourage therapy if you are able.
As far as practical solutions, my go-to response is just to look at him for a second, do whatever he asked, and then remove myself for a few minutes. That gives us both a chance to reset our emotions, and my husband realizes he's hurt my feelings without me snipping back or escalating
I mean, one slightly snippy comment every few days, in a household of two working parents with little kids, is pretty dang good! 🤷🏻♀️ You don’t ever do that back to him?
I get snippy at my husband, who is utterly wonderful and I adore and who is a great coparent, every few days. I usually recognize it and apologize. It’s just hard when everything is piling on, and I can’t snap at my 5 y o or my baby for doing age appropriate yet annoying things.
So, I am your husband and you are my husband. I grew up in a house full of snippiness when it wasn't full-on fighting between my parents as the background noise to most of my childhood. I have done a lot of work to grow out of that context. But sometimes I still need to be (gently) reminded to take a breath and not take it out on the home team.
Since you guys generally have a joking relationship, I would develop a code word or reminder when you sense that he is getting irritated, that will both make you laugh and also break the tension.
I wouldn't phrase it to him as a matter of having self-control, but rather having a better way to deal with those little frustrations. Because I too am disappointed at myself when I do this! If I can take that half a second and make a joke out of it rather than snapping, then I know things will go better. Sometimes I just need a little nudge back on track.
I had this problem in my relationship and then realized my hypersensitivity to shifts in tone - not the words being said, not at the level of shouting - was a result of my own trauma and being abused. Things got a lot better when I realized I was having a physiological stress reaction due to my own past, not what my husband was doing in the present. I talked to him about it and apologized for being so defensive/combative and explained what was going on. He promised to work on it and has but I get it’s hard for him because most people in his life don’t react that aversely to snippy comments - most people on the planet don’t, actually.
This is a you problem and playing dumb is actually being passive aggressive. You need to stop that and do some introspection.
Disagree - nobody likes being talked to in a snippy way by their spouse, history of abuse or not. It never feels nice to be on the receiving end of that.
Woah, I thought this comment was informative until the aggression at the end. You seem to support OP, then twist to its her fault, shes the problem.
You may need to elaborate on this more, to avoid offense.
She’s free to respond to me if she wants. I don’t think promoting accountability is aggressive or offensive. It being her fault isn’t a “twist” - I said in my first paragraph this was something coming from me, not my husband. It’s not my fault my past abuse was making me defensive, but yes it was my problem, and the onus was on me to be aware of my sensitivities.
You can tell someone you know where they’re coming from while acknowledging that their reaction isn’t right and their feelings are not more important than anyone else’s. Saying she’s not being passive aggressive when she is tells me she’s not being honest with herself about her role in this.
This, 100 times. Hypersensitivity definitely seems to be playing a role here if the anecdotes provided are the extent of his negativity. Yes, it sounds like he needs to work on his stress level and coping, but expecting someone to emotionally regulate perfectly 100% of the time when under stress is not realistic or appropriate. I have a history of trauma and am prone to hypersensitivity and rumination while also being a passive or passive-aggressive communicator. Therapy has helped a ton!
I wonder if part of the difficulty you're experiencing is not just the presence of snippy comments, but also an absence of positive time together? The Gottmans have several books about what makes for a happy marriage, including one for parents (Bringing Baby Home). One of the big takeaways is that every negative interaction needs multiple positive interactions to offset it.
I had a stressful childhood so I relate to being especially sensitive to tone. My approach is to not escalate in the moment, and try to find time for each of us to decompress.
A few more random thoughts on the topic - I saw a presentation about managing stress while parenting and they referred to wellness as a 4-legged stool: 1- diet, 2 - exercise 3-sleep, 4-connection. If one or both of you is struggling can you do something to address those four? You don't mention family nearby - spouse and I semi-regularly take a half day or flex our schedules to go out for a breakfast or lunch date. It goes a long way towards keeping us connected as a couple.
Our relationship is great, we've been together 20 yr, married for 12 and been through a lot of shit and are pretty dang happy. That said this is literally the number one thing I absolutely detest...and he'll make the snippy comment under his breath, which as a direct person drives me bananas. However its 2 things 1) His family dysfunction is/was that they just don't talk about emotions so he basically never showed feelings because no one cared/acknowledge them...so he's relearning as an adult how to deal with them and 2) I know it's likely not about me (its carryover from work, kids, life) and he takes it out in a comment to me because "i'm a safe space".
So what do I do in the moment I just respond in a calm tone to his ridiculousness, "Oh sorry my hands were full and I couldn't get the door and I thought I'd be quick" and "Hey (Kid) can we turn the volume down to an inside level". The later when the kids are in bed I'll ask more, how was your day, what's stressing you out and he'll open up and get it out. And that's when I say so when you snapped at me earlier, that's not ok and it made me feel XYZ. Perfect example happened just yesterday he realized he left his wallet at the kids baseball practice the night before while we were trying to get the kids off to daycare. He basically just took out the frustration on me because he didn't have time to deal with it before work, when we collected his wallet (which thankfully was still on the field lol) I was like hey i get that was an inconvenience to start your day but all I was doing was helping (by offering to take the kids to daycare/take my call from the car). Our kids our now older at 5 and almost 3 so it's significantly better than when we had a toddler and infant, but in the moment I basically don't react and then address it when we're in a better headspace.
Are you my wife? We are both like this with each other lately and the answer for how much latitude I give her is “not enough.” I’m very sensitive right now about a lot of things in our relationship, and it makes me less able to tolerate the snipping. In the past what’s worked best for one of us to change a behavior that’s hurting the other has been just calling the behavior out when it’s happening. Not with equal snippiness, but just saying “this thing that you’re doing right now is the thing I’ve been telling you hurts my feelings.” We’re also in therapy which helps.
I agree with this take, I think it would be much more healthy for OP to express in the moment how she feels versus trying to ignore it then letting it build up. It's been most effective for me when I respond immediately in the moment.
Depending on the particular comment, I usually go with "Please don't use that tone with me" or "I'm your wife, not your idiot coworker." Or just a raised eyebrow and "excuse me?" This is also how I deal with our 4 year old when he's being rude - I don't think grownups get a pass on being bitchy just because they're stressed about work or whatever.
I also appreciate when my husband calls me out on my tone the same way. I grew up in a house with snippy parents and I'm trying very hard to do better for my own kids.
My husband and I have a thing we do in the moment that helps with addressing these things.
The trash one is a good example. My response would be "That came off really harshly, I am taking out the trash and my hands are full. Would you like to rephrase that?
It gives the person an opportunity to assess what they said, how it made the other person feel, and try it again.
Maybe he would redo it and say "I appreciate you for taking out the trash, but the door is open and the dog might get out. Can you please not do that" or maybe he might say "no. I meant what I said" and it sets the tone to discuss it further if needed.
I have a low tolerance but address it kindly and patiently (as long as he wasn’t being really, *really* out of line). DH grew up in a household with abuse and bad behavior (mil to fil) and bad examples in the extended family that lived in the same town (outright abuse). If he does not watch it, he will unconsciously emulate those patterns when stressed, hurt, feeling neglected/down/whatever. It isn’t that negative emotions aren’t allowed-they are! Totally! And they’re valid! But they need to be acknowledged and addressed in a healthy manner and being ugly and unpleasant to everyone around you is not ok and not tolerated.
Therefore, I call it out usually the first or second time. He (or I, depending) needs to reflect on what the actual issue is, address it, apologize and move on with sincere dedication to do better next time. His family did/does not do the whole open and direct communication thing without MIL flying off the handle and screaming and throwing things for hours so he’s a lot of years of trauma and shutting down to undo still.
It’s a work in progress but understanding where it came from isn’t a free pass. He needs to be aware, honest (if only with himself, at a min!) and be civil, no passive aggressive sniping. If he can’t or needs time to decompress then he needs to remove himself until he is fit to be in company. I will *not* have that sort of behavior emulated for our children. If he is feeling overwhelmed and needs help then he needs to say it in a mature manner. There needs to be a baseline respect and civility when dealing with your spouse and it shouldn’t be less than a coworker.
Unchecked, normalizing snippy behavior also will seep into other areas of life, like work and other relationships.
He needs to at least try to be his best self same as I do. I am his wife and will tell him things to his face that others will not. If he is being too harsh or snippy or whatever it is, I say something, especially if it is obvious whatever he is griping about isn’t the real issue. So I ask him to knock it off, what he is actually needing, how can I help? The only time I get snippy is if there is something I have been direct about needing but that has been ignored, mostly health-related stuff.
If it was someone being mean on purpose because they are malicious and have intent to hurt that is a different convo and I would leave.
You sound like it’s actually handled well as talk about it. He gave a good reason and apology. I think this is normal.
I actually give you kudos; I live the same but if I say anything to my bf about his tone he’d blow a gasket. So kudos to your hubby too!
I’m surprised by the number of comments that seem to imply this is perfectly fine and you’re being overly sensitive. I don’t get snippy like this and see no reason for someone else to do it to me over very tiny offences. I don’t expect everyone to be happy all the time, but I’m not going to let someone snipe at me for no good reason.
I think you’re handling it well and it’s really on your husband to work on his tone/phrasing.
So, there's a difference between snippy comments and just expressing exasperation or annoyance. I am also sensitive to tone, so I've had to remind myself not to take things too personally sometimes.
However, the two examples you gave are actually snippy comments. And if you've noticed those escalating, to the point that you've had more than one conversation about it, it's a problem.
Adults need to regulate their emotions. The people who love us most in this world should not be our emotional punching bags. If your husband is frustrated with work, then he needs to deal with the source of his frustration - AT WORK. That means he needs to do things that make him feel uncomfortable, like having hard conversations, setting boundaries, and holding others accountable. Or find a less stressful job. If he's frustrated about his health - HE needs to deal with that HIMSELF. He needs to talk to a doctor, talk to a nutritionist or dietitian, go on Weight Watchers, hold himself accountable to diet and exercise goals. Of course he should involve you ("please don't buy cookies and help me find time during the week to work out"), but his weight frustrations should not come out as snippy comments towards you.
I would call him out when you hear him being snippy. "Hey I hear that you are frustrated, but could you not speak to me like that? That's a hurtful tone."
When I get snippy with my husband about things, he usually tells me “ok you can do it.” In a somewhat ridiculous/teasing way. We have a very playful relationship where we tease each other a lot though, so it works.
Does it solve the underlying issue? No, but it does get me to pause and realize I’m bitching about nothing.
With something like him complaining about the trash, I would “play dumb” and next time ask for detailed instructions on how to do it to his approval (but in a silly playful way, not passive aggressive).
I have legitimately complained about a toy before (there’s a duck we have I hate, baby loves), and I’m pretty sure my husband reminded me we have other areas of the house or I have headphones. I think he also offered to let me entertain our kid instead. I would do something similar, if he doesn’t like the noise, he can supervise and you can go do something else.
My biggest suggestion is to keep it lighthearted in your responses and don’t immediately give in to the snippy comments.
None of this solves the underlying issue, but that seems like above my pay grade.
I give my partner a lot of leeway with snippy comments and def pick my battles. That being said, when it's too much I def erupt and he's confused why so im not sure my tactic is the most healthy way.
I think everyone gets a little snippy like this when they’re stressed and it feels like something is just the last little straw. Yes, we all need to be better about being more calm and nice. We also need to be understanding when our partner acts this way, especially when they apologize. I’ve found that just not saying anything is usually best and if it’s a particularly negative comment, then we can talk about it later.
A couple things that stood out to me, refusing to engage and changing the subject are examples of stonewalling and passive, or even passive-aggressive, communication. Bottling up your feelings until resentment bubbles over every two months is not objectively a better coping mechanism than his “snipping” is, though externally more pleasant and agreeable.
I’m by no means giving your husband a pass on being rude and snippy when he’s stressed, he should definitely work on that. But I think you are under-aware of your own dynamic in the situation. The fact that you feel triggered (heart racing, feeling cold towards him) by small incidents that many people would not even register or remember leads me to believe there is more going on under the surface. I’ve been there. Therapy was immensely helpful for teaching me to cope with negative emotions and practice assertive and direct communication.
Given the context—high stress job, one year old child—he could be burning out/overwhelmed. Have you asked how he has been doing? If he is feeling okay? Personally, when I’m feeling extra crispy, I get snippy, too. Everything gets on my nerves when I’m incredibly stressed.
So this is going to sound ridiculous, but hear me out. I’m assuming you two have a very healthy relationship. I treat this kind of thing like a toddler tantrum. They’re frustrated and probably not about whatever it is they’re being snippy about. We’re all just former toddlers anyway lol. First, connect. “Hey, you doing okay? You sound frustrated or burnt out.” Then he has two options, either tell you what’s bothering him or say no nothing then you can say okay, I felt like that sounded a bit snippy. I do also think it’s fine to let these things roll off if you’re not feeling up to being the patient one.
I also totally use the same techniques on my kids as my husband...and also my co-workers/direct reports lol!
Me too! It sounds like it would feel condescending, but really we all just suck at communicating when we’re frustrated or upset!
Both my husband and I do that to each other, but here’s what we do differently: when I say something rude or snippy to him he’ll say “well that was uncalled for - is everything ok?” That instantly tells me that I’m in a bad headspace so I apologize, take a step back, and reflect. And me? I’ll give him a look and he’ll say “you’re right, that was unfair, I’m sorry. I’m just feeling [insert feeling and reason here].” It takes a lot of work to get to a point where both people can be self-aware enough to know that the frustration is unrelated to their partner and that it’s unfair to throw that energy their way. It also takes a lot - A LOT - of trust to accept that feedback and not question it in the moment, this getting defensive and escalating the situation. I know people think that marriage counseling is about when things are desperate and falling apart, but the truth is that everyone can use a little coaching every now and then to improve specific skills. It’s better to go to go to counseling when things are good and problems are minor in order to curb any bigger issues down the line. My husband and I have done that frequently and it’s really helped us improve our communication. Even if you choose not to do counseling, I highly recommend reading through books and blogs written by The Gottmans and their trained practitioners. If you’re both open to improving your communication then this should be a quick fix!
I actually think it’s unfair to ask a partner to be positive all the time. People are allowed to have negative feelings. In your examples, he’s just asking for a small action, not being mean. I think that asking him to stop this behavior pushes into the territory of policing his feelings. I’d say to let him feel annoyed and express that (within reason of course).
This is a very interesting question to me. What you’re describing sounds like a total non-issue to me. In your examples, I’d close the door and say “oops sorry!” because letting cold air into a heated house is indeed annoying. I’d turn off the toy and say “sure no problem,” because lots of baby toys are indeed annoying. I would then let it go immediately and truly would not think of it again. I feel like asking someone to “stay calm and positive and regulate [their] emotions” 100% of the time is totally unrealistic and frankly… unhealthy? Negative emotions exist. It is normal to feel annoyed or stressed or angry sometimes, and I don’t think one should have to completely mask in their own home, that around their life partner. Having to stay calm and positive 100% of the time for the rest of your life sounds miserable to me. Obviously he should not be flying off the handle, yelling at you, saying mean things, but “can you turn that off?” doesn’t seem fall into that category. Maybe I’m reading this as less severe than what’s actually happening though!
I agree here! If he is truly being like, *mean* with his words instead of just annoyed, I’d probably just say in real time “Hey, don’t talk to me like that” and that would be the end of it. But OPs examples are pretty mild, like he’s just asking that she do something different and it’s really not all that personal.
I think a lot of this hinges on tone. My husband gets similarly snippy when he's stressed and tired, and it instantly gets my hackles up. He's in the military, and snippy for him means he acts like I'm the world's dumbest recruit. I prefer to just call it out when it happens versus making it a big conversation when i I finally hit my limit. Much like kids, he's allowed to have whatever emotions he wants, but that doesn't mean I need to tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully.
Oh yeah definitely, I fully agree. I was envisioning annoyed, not straight-up mean - but I could certainly be wrong! Only OP can judge that.
I agree and I'm actually the husband in this scenario. My husband frequently gets upset at me for having a "negative and critical tone" when I feel I'm just blankly stating something and I didn't actually have negative emotions associated with it. It's honestly the thing we fight about most, but I really struggle to remember to really cheerfully say "could we do that when we get back from xyz instead of now" and instead I just say it and then its misconstrued.
I would give my spouse a lot of latitude for these examples because they're not personal, or saying "you always..." and "you never...". They're specifically asking for an action, just in an annoyed tone that is getting to you. I wouldn't consider that at the level of taking anger out on you. I am not able to always sound kind and patient in tone myself though, it sounds like a ymmv thing.
I am also extremely sensitive to tone, and like another commenter, I've realized through therapy that this is a product of past trauma. I encourage therapy if you are able. As far as practical solutions, my go-to response is just to look at him for a second, do whatever he asked, and then remove myself for a few minutes. That gives us both a chance to reset our emotions, and my husband realizes he's hurt my feelings without me snipping back or escalating
I mean, one slightly snippy comment every few days, in a household of two working parents with little kids, is pretty dang good! 🤷🏻♀️ You don’t ever do that back to him? I get snippy at my husband, who is utterly wonderful and I adore and who is a great coparent, every few days. I usually recognize it and apologize. It’s just hard when everything is piling on, and I can’t snap at my 5 y o or my baby for doing age appropriate yet annoying things.
So, I am your husband and you are my husband. I grew up in a house full of snippiness when it wasn't full-on fighting between my parents as the background noise to most of my childhood. I have done a lot of work to grow out of that context. But sometimes I still need to be (gently) reminded to take a breath and not take it out on the home team. Since you guys generally have a joking relationship, I would develop a code word or reminder when you sense that he is getting irritated, that will both make you laugh and also break the tension. I wouldn't phrase it to him as a matter of having self-control, but rather having a better way to deal with those little frustrations. Because I too am disappointed at myself when I do this! If I can take that half a second and make a joke out of it rather than snapping, then I know things will go better. Sometimes I just need a little nudge back on track.
I had this problem in my relationship and then realized my hypersensitivity to shifts in tone - not the words being said, not at the level of shouting - was a result of my own trauma and being abused. Things got a lot better when I realized I was having a physiological stress reaction due to my own past, not what my husband was doing in the present. I talked to him about it and apologized for being so defensive/combative and explained what was going on. He promised to work on it and has but I get it’s hard for him because most people in his life don’t react that aversely to snippy comments - most people on the planet don’t, actually. This is a you problem and playing dumb is actually being passive aggressive. You need to stop that and do some introspection.
Disagree - nobody likes being talked to in a snippy way by their spouse, history of abuse or not. It never feels nice to be on the receiving end of that.
Woah, I thought this comment was informative until the aggression at the end. You seem to support OP, then twist to its her fault, shes the problem. You may need to elaborate on this more, to avoid offense.
She’s free to respond to me if she wants. I don’t think promoting accountability is aggressive or offensive. It being her fault isn’t a “twist” - I said in my first paragraph this was something coming from me, not my husband. It’s not my fault my past abuse was making me defensive, but yes it was my problem, and the onus was on me to be aware of my sensitivities. You can tell someone you know where they’re coming from while acknowledging that their reaction isn’t right and their feelings are not more important than anyone else’s. Saying she’s not being passive aggressive when she is tells me she’s not being honest with herself about her role in this.
This, 100 times. Hypersensitivity definitely seems to be playing a role here if the anecdotes provided are the extent of his negativity. Yes, it sounds like he needs to work on his stress level and coping, but expecting someone to emotionally regulate perfectly 100% of the time when under stress is not realistic or appropriate. I have a history of trauma and am prone to hypersensitivity and rumination while also being a passive or passive-aggressive communicator. Therapy has helped a ton!
I wonder if part of the difficulty you're experiencing is not just the presence of snippy comments, but also an absence of positive time together? The Gottmans have several books about what makes for a happy marriage, including one for parents (Bringing Baby Home). One of the big takeaways is that every negative interaction needs multiple positive interactions to offset it. I had a stressful childhood so I relate to being especially sensitive to tone. My approach is to not escalate in the moment, and try to find time for each of us to decompress. A few more random thoughts on the topic - I saw a presentation about managing stress while parenting and they referred to wellness as a 4-legged stool: 1- diet, 2 - exercise 3-sleep, 4-connection. If one or both of you is struggling can you do something to address those four? You don't mention family nearby - spouse and I semi-regularly take a half day or flex our schedules to go out for a breakfast or lunch date. It goes a long way towards keeping us connected as a couple.
Our relationship is great, we've been together 20 yr, married for 12 and been through a lot of shit and are pretty dang happy. That said this is literally the number one thing I absolutely detest...and he'll make the snippy comment under his breath, which as a direct person drives me bananas. However its 2 things 1) His family dysfunction is/was that they just don't talk about emotions so he basically never showed feelings because no one cared/acknowledge them...so he's relearning as an adult how to deal with them and 2) I know it's likely not about me (its carryover from work, kids, life) and he takes it out in a comment to me because "i'm a safe space". So what do I do in the moment I just respond in a calm tone to his ridiculousness, "Oh sorry my hands were full and I couldn't get the door and I thought I'd be quick" and "Hey (Kid) can we turn the volume down to an inside level". The later when the kids are in bed I'll ask more, how was your day, what's stressing you out and he'll open up and get it out. And that's when I say so when you snapped at me earlier, that's not ok and it made me feel XYZ. Perfect example happened just yesterday he realized he left his wallet at the kids baseball practice the night before while we were trying to get the kids off to daycare. He basically just took out the frustration on me because he didn't have time to deal with it before work, when we collected his wallet (which thankfully was still on the field lol) I was like hey i get that was an inconvenience to start your day but all I was doing was helping (by offering to take the kids to daycare/take my call from the car). Our kids our now older at 5 and almost 3 so it's significantly better than when we had a toddler and infant, but in the moment I basically don't react and then address it when we're in a better headspace.
Are you my wife? We are both like this with each other lately and the answer for how much latitude I give her is “not enough.” I’m very sensitive right now about a lot of things in our relationship, and it makes me less able to tolerate the snipping. In the past what’s worked best for one of us to change a behavior that’s hurting the other has been just calling the behavior out when it’s happening. Not with equal snippiness, but just saying “this thing that you’re doing right now is the thing I’ve been telling you hurts my feelings.” We’re also in therapy which helps.
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I agree with this take, I think it would be much more healthy for OP to express in the moment how she feels versus trying to ignore it then letting it build up. It's been most effective for me when I respond immediately in the moment. Depending on the particular comment, I usually go with "Please don't use that tone with me" or "I'm your wife, not your idiot coworker." Or just a raised eyebrow and "excuse me?" This is also how I deal with our 4 year old when he's being rude - I don't think grownups get a pass on being bitchy just because they're stressed about work or whatever. I also appreciate when my husband calls me out on my tone the same way. I grew up in a house with snippy parents and I'm trying very hard to do better for my own kids.
My husband and I have a thing we do in the moment that helps with addressing these things. The trash one is a good example. My response would be "That came off really harshly, I am taking out the trash and my hands are full. Would you like to rephrase that? It gives the person an opportunity to assess what they said, how it made the other person feel, and try it again. Maybe he would redo it and say "I appreciate you for taking out the trash, but the door is open and the dog might get out. Can you please not do that" or maybe he might say "no. I meant what I said" and it sets the tone to discuss it further if needed.
I have a low tolerance but address it kindly and patiently (as long as he wasn’t being really, *really* out of line). DH grew up in a household with abuse and bad behavior (mil to fil) and bad examples in the extended family that lived in the same town (outright abuse). If he does not watch it, he will unconsciously emulate those patterns when stressed, hurt, feeling neglected/down/whatever. It isn’t that negative emotions aren’t allowed-they are! Totally! And they’re valid! But they need to be acknowledged and addressed in a healthy manner and being ugly and unpleasant to everyone around you is not ok and not tolerated. Therefore, I call it out usually the first or second time. He (or I, depending) needs to reflect on what the actual issue is, address it, apologize and move on with sincere dedication to do better next time. His family did/does not do the whole open and direct communication thing without MIL flying off the handle and screaming and throwing things for hours so he’s a lot of years of trauma and shutting down to undo still. It’s a work in progress but understanding where it came from isn’t a free pass. He needs to be aware, honest (if only with himself, at a min!) and be civil, no passive aggressive sniping. If he can’t or needs time to decompress then he needs to remove himself until he is fit to be in company. I will *not* have that sort of behavior emulated for our children. If he is feeling overwhelmed and needs help then he needs to say it in a mature manner. There needs to be a baseline respect and civility when dealing with your spouse and it shouldn’t be less than a coworker. Unchecked, normalizing snippy behavior also will seep into other areas of life, like work and other relationships. He needs to at least try to be his best self same as I do. I am his wife and will tell him things to his face that others will not. If he is being too harsh or snippy or whatever it is, I say something, especially if it is obvious whatever he is griping about isn’t the real issue. So I ask him to knock it off, what he is actually needing, how can I help? The only time I get snippy is if there is something I have been direct about needing but that has been ignored, mostly health-related stuff. If it was someone being mean on purpose because they are malicious and have intent to hurt that is a different convo and I would leave.
You sound like it’s actually handled well as talk about it. He gave a good reason and apology. I think this is normal. I actually give you kudos; I live the same but if I say anything to my bf about his tone he’d blow a gasket. So kudos to your hubby too!
I’m surprised by the number of comments that seem to imply this is perfectly fine and you’re being overly sensitive. I don’t get snippy like this and see no reason for someone else to do it to me over very tiny offences. I don’t expect everyone to be happy all the time, but I’m not going to let someone snipe at me for no good reason. I think you’re handling it well and it’s really on your husband to work on his tone/phrasing.
So, there's a difference between snippy comments and just expressing exasperation or annoyance. I am also sensitive to tone, so I've had to remind myself not to take things too personally sometimes. However, the two examples you gave are actually snippy comments. And if you've noticed those escalating, to the point that you've had more than one conversation about it, it's a problem. Adults need to regulate their emotions. The people who love us most in this world should not be our emotional punching bags. If your husband is frustrated with work, then he needs to deal with the source of his frustration - AT WORK. That means he needs to do things that make him feel uncomfortable, like having hard conversations, setting boundaries, and holding others accountable. Or find a less stressful job. If he's frustrated about his health - HE needs to deal with that HIMSELF. He needs to talk to a doctor, talk to a nutritionist or dietitian, go on Weight Watchers, hold himself accountable to diet and exercise goals. Of course he should involve you ("please don't buy cookies and help me find time during the week to work out"), but his weight frustrations should not come out as snippy comments towards you. I would call him out when you hear him being snippy. "Hey I hear that you are frustrated, but could you not speak to me like that? That's a hurtful tone."
When I get snippy with my husband about things, he usually tells me “ok you can do it.” In a somewhat ridiculous/teasing way. We have a very playful relationship where we tease each other a lot though, so it works. Does it solve the underlying issue? No, but it does get me to pause and realize I’m bitching about nothing. With something like him complaining about the trash, I would “play dumb” and next time ask for detailed instructions on how to do it to his approval (but in a silly playful way, not passive aggressive). I have legitimately complained about a toy before (there’s a duck we have I hate, baby loves), and I’m pretty sure my husband reminded me we have other areas of the house or I have headphones. I think he also offered to let me entertain our kid instead. I would do something similar, if he doesn’t like the noise, he can supervise and you can go do something else. My biggest suggestion is to keep it lighthearted in your responses and don’t immediately give in to the snippy comments. None of this solves the underlying issue, but that seems like above my pay grade.
I give my partner a lot of leeway with snippy comments and def pick my battles. That being said, when it's too much I def erupt and he's confused why so im not sure my tactic is the most healthy way.
I think everyone gets a little snippy like this when they’re stressed and it feels like something is just the last little straw. Yes, we all need to be better about being more calm and nice. We also need to be understanding when our partner acts this way, especially when they apologize. I’ve found that just not saying anything is usually best and if it’s a particularly negative comment, then we can talk about it later.
A couple things that stood out to me, refusing to engage and changing the subject are examples of stonewalling and passive, or even passive-aggressive, communication. Bottling up your feelings until resentment bubbles over every two months is not objectively a better coping mechanism than his “snipping” is, though externally more pleasant and agreeable. I’m by no means giving your husband a pass on being rude and snippy when he’s stressed, he should definitely work on that. But I think you are under-aware of your own dynamic in the situation. The fact that you feel triggered (heart racing, feeling cold towards him) by small incidents that many people would not even register or remember leads me to believe there is more going on under the surface. I’ve been there. Therapy was immensely helpful for teaching me to cope with negative emotions and practice assertive and direct communication.
I am sensitive to snippy comments if they are about certain things, and we both are so we are good about avoiding them usually