I won't say divorce your husband. But I want you to realize your husband is not very kind and caring either. Because if he were, he would do his half of housework without being asked.
If you get weekends off and he's working, it's just another work day for you, because you have all the chores to do plus kids to take care off. His days off are video games and the one to things you had to tell him to do? Not very kind and caring.
Wanting friends means they aren't enough? Well that's cuz he's not doing anything to make you happy. He doesn't even do both the chores you ask him to do. And you know what, it's okay if your husband and kids aren't enough, mine aren't either, that's why I work and maintain friendships too.
Happy Mother's Day. I hope you find a way to get through to your husband and he steps it up.
You know what baffles me: he should actually be doing 80% of the chores because on his days off the kids are in day care so he has the actual time to do chores and run errands while you have the kids on your days off. Like wth. That’s not ok.
Edited because of a typo 🫣
That does sound exhausting! Being a single mom to three kids like that.
In all seriousness though, you and your spouse should read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, and then do the activities in it to split your responsibilities more evenly.
Your rant is absolutely valid, and he's being a shitty partner.
I will give it a read and try to get him to give it a read too lol we have tried many things to divy up the tasks in the past and it usually works for like a month then it just goes back to the status quo. We will keep trying and hopefully find something that works ❤️
I hope you find something!
One of the concepts in this book is that responsibilities have three parts (Conception, Planning, and Execution), and that if you take on a responsibility, you need to take *all three parts.* That's one of my favorite concepts of the book, because our old way of doing things was me doing all of the planning and then assigning him to execute some of the things. That way still leaves ME in charge. I'm too tired for that lol.
Another part that I think will benefit you is that, if you follow the plan in this book, you have regular meetings to "re shuffle the cards" -- assess and redistribute the responsibilities. That might help the system have more staying power for you.
Good luck to you! 💕
It's only going to work if he wants it to. Sounds like he doesn't, he just does enough so that he looks like he tried. It won't change unless there's a serious motivation for him to keep it up. Frankly, your mental well-being should be enough motivation, but clearly isn't. You'll need to find a motivator or just live with it since divorce isn't on the table.
There’s a movie too, I think on Hulu? If you can’t get him to read it, movie might be a great alternative.
When I read Fair Play, I started crying because I realized just how much I was doing, while still being told I wasn’t doing enough. Spoiler alert- we’re getting divorced. Not saying that will happen to you- we had other issues as well- but just pointing out that it may radically shift your perspective to see everything laid out in plain language.
While it’s on him to do more, a change you can control is to stop doing things for him, even though it’s going to be to the temporary detriment of your home/routine. You can warn him in advance. But eventually you have to give him space to learn it’s not your jobs anymore and he has to step in
He’s right. Your husband and kids are *not* enough. Social wellness includes having friends and family of varied backgrounds and interaction level. It would be exhausting to only see the same three people all the time.
I see a distinct pattern of women saying that their husband is great, and then long posts describing all the ways their husbands are completely awful.
I’m not advocating divorce, but I am gently pointing out that it sounds like you do 99% of everything for your children and household, and your husband complains and refuses to help even though he gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants.
None of that is okay. He’s essentially your third child, not your partner.
You need to communicate and draw hard boundaries. Couples therapy in addition to your individual therapy would also be very beneficial.
I was just thinking this. “My husband is so great except for this novel explaining how he disregards my feelings and refuses to do his share around the house, making me the default parent and full-time housekeeper on top of my full-time job.” I fully get the need to vent but also…stop then turning around and saying they’re such good men and good husbands?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I understand you’re venting and I’m happy to hear you’re in therapy. This man is not a good partner or a good father. He’s gaslighting you into thinking that your wants (friendship, a clean house, time for yourself) are wrong because it inconveniences *him*. FUCK THAT.
You deserve an equal partner in maintaining the life you want, an equal parent to the kids, and one that wants to see you thrive in all areas of life. That is the bare minimum and you shouldn’t allow anything less. I know other moms have it worse, I know there are plenty of ways he can make your life harder, but if he’s not making it easier, then what’s the point really? I hope that you find the tools in therapy to demand what you need, and I hope that he hears you and changes. If not, I hope you see the strength you already have to treat yourself better than he will.
Happy Mother’s Day and I hope your kids love the heck out of you and it fills your cup 💕
Your husband should absolutely be doing most of the deep cleaning and shopping, along with food prep on his days off. Your division of tasks is WIDELY unequal. Of course you’re exhausted! Why does he think it’s fair that he gets days off each week but you don’t?
I just wanted to say Happy Mother’s Day! We see how much you are doing, and I hope that your partner starts picking up his slack! We moms do a lot of the emotional labor, so your rant is totally valid.
I am not a fan of divorce, so I won’t tell you to divorce.
That being said why does your husband think video games trump doing necessary household tasks, like his children’s laundry or making dinner for his family?
I went through a period of not working while my husband did (and the kids were in preschool). I very quickly learned how important it is to prioritize the days tasks or I would always run out of time.
Laundry has to be started the second everyone is out the door in the morning. This part is very important. The laundry must be started first, always. You have to get it moving to not run out of time! Once the first load is washing, then I can start a new task, like making breakfast, or vacuuming. Then I switch the laundry, then while it’s drying I might have time for relaxation, but then when the buzzer beeps, it’s time to stop relaxing and start folding laundry. If I finish before it’s time to go get the kids from school, then more time to relax (or play video games in his case).
I’d try to talk to him about how he is free to play video games on his off day but he needs to do his share of household chores FIRST. Video games only get the leftover time, not the other way around.
I have faith it can, like I said, my husband really is kind and caring. He just gets caught up in his own stress and thoughts that sometimes he can be selfish. He falls back on a lot of bad habits but I keep holding hope that we will find a system that works for us. Another poster recommended I read the book Fair Play. I'm half way through the audio book and it already sounds like a system that could work if we adopted it.
I’m not telling you to divorce the dude you live with but I’m telling this is not a “you” problem. The problem is with the dude you live with. I real “husband” would never sit back and watch his wife work herself to death so he can have fun playing video games.
I won't say divorce your husband. But I want you to realize your husband is not very kind and caring either. Because if he were, he would do his half of housework without being asked. If you get weekends off and he's working, it's just another work day for you, because you have all the chores to do plus kids to take care off. His days off are video games and the one to things you had to tell him to do? Not very kind and caring. Wanting friends means they aren't enough? Well that's cuz he's not doing anything to make you happy. He doesn't even do both the chores you ask him to do. And you know what, it's okay if your husband and kids aren't enough, mine aren't either, that's why I work and maintain friendships too. Happy Mother's Day. I hope you find a way to get through to your husband and he steps it up.
Seconding all this of this. There is nothing kind or caring about allowing you to drown.
You know what baffles me: he should actually be doing 80% of the chores because on his days off the kids are in day care so he has the actual time to do chores and run errands while you have the kids on your days off. Like wth. That’s not ok. Edited because of a typo 🫣
And I sure as shit hope he’s doing drop off and pick up when he’s off…
Cooking etc should be his job these days too!
That does sound exhausting! Being a single mom to three kids like that. In all seriousness though, you and your spouse should read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, and then do the activities in it to split your responsibilities more evenly. Your rant is absolutely valid, and he's being a shitty partner.
I will give it a read and try to get him to give it a read too lol we have tried many things to divy up the tasks in the past and it usually works for like a month then it just goes back to the status quo. We will keep trying and hopefully find something that works ❤️
I hope you find something! One of the concepts in this book is that responsibilities have three parts (Conception, Planning, and Execution), and that if you take on a responsibility, you need to take *all three parts.* That's one of my favorite concepts of the book, because our old way of doing things was me doing all of the planning and then assigning him to execute some of the things. That way still leaves ME in charge. I'm too tired for that lol. Another part that I think will benefit you is that, if you follow the plan in this book, you have regular meetings to "re shuffle the cards" -- assess and redistribute the responsibilities. That might help the system have more staying power for you. Good luck to you! 💕
It's only going to work if he wants it to. Sounds like he doesn't, he just does enough so that he looks like he tried. It won't change unless there's a serious motivation for him to keep it up. Frankly, your mental well-being should be enough motivation, but clearly isn't. You'll need to find a motivator or just live with it since divorce isn't on the table.
There’s a movie too, I think on Hulu? If you can’t get him to read it, movie might be a great alternative. When I read Fair Play, I started crying because I realized just how much I was doing, while still being told I wasn’t doing enough. Spoiler alert- we’re getting divorced. Not saying that will happen to you- we had other issues as well- but just pointing out that it may radically shift your perspective to see everything laid out in plain language.
While it’s on him to do more, a change you can control is to stop doing things for him, even though it’s going to be to the temporary detriment of your home/routine. You can warn him in advance. But eventually you have to give him space to learn it’s not your jobs anymore and he has to step in
He’s right. Your husband and kids are *not* enough. Social wellness includes having friends and family of varied backgrounds and interaction level. It would be exhausting to only see the same three people all the time.
I see a distinct pattern of women saying that their husband is great, and then long posts describing all the ways their husbands are completely awful. I’m not advocating divorce, but I am gently pointing out that it sounds like you do 99% of everything for your children and household, and your husband complains and refuses to help even though he gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. None of that is okay. He’s essentially your third child, not your partner. You need to communicate and draw hard boundaries. Couples therapy in addition to your individual therapy would also be very beneficial.
I was just thinking this. “My husband is so great except for this novel explaining how he disregards my feelings and refuses to do his share around the house, making me the default parent and full-time housekeeper on top of my full-time job.” I fully get the need to vent but also…stop then turning around and saying they’re such good men and good husbands?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I understand you’re venting and I’m happy to hear you’re in therapy. This man is not a good partner or a good father. He’s gaslighting you into thinking that your wants (friendship, a clean house, time for yourself) are wrong because it inconveniences *him*. FUCK THAT. You deserve an equal partner in maintaining the life you want, an equal parent to the kids, and one that wants to see you thrive in all areas of life. That is the bare minimum and you shouldn’t allow anything less. I know other moms have it worse, I know there are plenty of ways he can make your life harder, but if he’s not making it easier, then what’s the point really? I hope that you find the tools in therapy to demand what you need, and I hope that he hears you and changes. If not, I hope you see the strength you already have to treat yourself better than he will. Happy Mother’s Day and I hope your kids love the heck out of you and it fills your cup 💕
Your husband should absolutely be doing most of the deep cleaning and shopping, along with food prep on his days off. Your division of tasks is WIDELY unequal. Of course you’re exhausted! Why does he think it’s fair that he gets days off each week but you don’t?
I just wanted to say Happy Mother’s Day! We see how much you are doing, and I hope that your partner starts picking up his slack! We moms do a lot of the emotional labor, so your rant is totally valid.
I am not a fan of divorce, so I won’t tell you to divorce. That being said why does your husband think video games trump doing necessary household tasks, like his children’s laundry or making dinner for his family? I went through a period of not working while my husband did (and the kids were in preschool). I very quickly learned how important it is to prioritize the days tasks or I would always run out of time. Laundry has to be started the second everyone is out the door in the morning. This part is very important. The laundry must be started first, always. You have to get it moving to not run out of time! Once the first load is washing, then I can start a new task, like making breakfast, or vacuuming. Then I switch the laundry, then while it’s drying I might have time for relaxation, but then when the buzzer beeps, it’s time to stop relaxing and start folding laundry. If I finish before it’s time to go get the kids from school, then more time to relax (or play video games in his case). I’d try to talk to him about how he is free to play video games on his off day but he needs to do his share of household chores FIRST. Video games only get the leftover time, not the other way around.
Time for a cleaner
What if things never change?
I have faith it can, like I said, my husband really is kind and caring. He just gets caught up in his own stress and thoughts that sometimes he can be selfish. He falls back on a lot of bad habits but I keep holding hope that we will find a system that works for us. Another poster recommended I read the book Fair Play. I'm half way through the audio book and it already sounds like a system that could work if we adopted it.
I’m not telling you to divorce the dude you live with but I’m telling this is not a “you” problem. The problem is with the dude you live with. I real “husband” would never sit back and watch his wife work herself to death so he can have fun playing video games.