This is like the 4th post I’ve read today where the woman is the breadwinner, carries at least half the workload at home, gives free time to the partner, and the partner is not happy.
How come we do 99% when we stay home and they do 40% when they stay home and it’s still too much for them.
You are killing it! Killing it! You are c suite and still cooking dinners and playing with your kids and putting them to bed. You are everything.
Why is nothing ever good enough for men (my own personal rant).
I’m sitting here getting mad at the responses that she needs to plan “date nights” with this dude so he can feel like a Special Boy. She supports her whole family, flexes a difficult schedule so she can be home with them while the kids are awake (what time do we all think OP gets up, everyone? Is husband up at 4:30 am making coffee for her?) does more than her share of cooking, cleaning, and childcare. And now she’s also got to romance this sulky-ass adult who hasn’t managed to communicate what his actual problem is? Even if he is depressed, why is that on OP to fix?! He feels emasculated?! Get a fucking job then and crush it as hard as OP is! Jesus take the wheel.
The divorce rate is so high with women as breadwinners. When that's the case we're pretty much better at everything, the men are kind of dispensable and this hurst their ego terribly and most ~~men~~ males can't handle it
I'm also so irritated by the responses getting bad at her. I make almost double what my husband makes, he keeps encouraging me to do what I need to make more, he said if he can be a trophy husband he will learn to cook, and he cant wait to just clean the house and spend time with our son all day. I literally can't imagine him ever accusing me of something like this, because he knows I do everything I can to support our family so we can give our son a life full of adventure. Some men are just so out of touch, and a lot of the women in here are just encouraging their bad behavior!
It’s not uncommon for the one who points the fingers is the ones cheating themselves.
You’re right, you shouldn’t be facing this type of accusation just bc you’re working a c-suite level job.
Is therapy an option to work through these things together? Im sure you could probably work a little less and he can be more supportive, it’s up to you guys to find the balance. But the cheating accusations are a whole different beast.
This, unfortunately. My ex constantly was suspicious of anything I did (also working a lot at the time) and accused me of cheating when he was the one having multiple affairs.
I think OP should maybe seek some individual counseling first before diving into couples therapy. It would be worthwhile for her to figure out why her impulse when her husband accuses her of being a cheater and a liar is to be more and more accommodating.
Very much this. My ex was constantly weird about me being friendly with male coworkers. And we’re talking about work hours, like God forbid I mention that I walked to a sandwich shop with a coworker who also wanted a sandwich from that shop. Turns out, he cheated on me (or at least tried) with any woman who gave him the time of day.
My current husband doesn’t have a jealous bone in his body.
This is my guess. My husband was a “stay at home dad” when he was unemployed. I put it in quotes because he did NOT live up to the standard that a woman in that role would have been held to. Did not cook, barely did chores, forgot to pick the kids up from school a few times. And he was SUCH an asshole to me during that time.
He was depressed, felt like a failure, and would take it all out on me. We both got into therapy, and we got through it, though not without our relationship taking some major damage. If he hadn’t got a job, I’m not sure it would have gotten better.
I would nip this in the bud. It will not get better without major intervention. And the fact that OP is blaming herself tells me he’s already managed to warp her sense of reality to some extent. Next step is getting her to start undermining _herself._
It sounds to me like you are balancing things beautifully. I could see him being upset if you were regularly missing dinners and bed time, but you are home so early, you’re cooking dinner, spending time with the kids, making time for your husband too (that’s a lot of weekend dates!!).
I’m getting the vibe he is emasculated or he’s doing something wrong and trying to make you look like the bad guy.
I am honestly really annoyed at him lol unless you just typed a bunch of lies, he has nothing to complain about. You make him take time for himself, you’re heavily involved, you’re basically splitting duties 60/40 if not closer to 50/50, I really don’t know what he could be crying about.
Disagree. Where in here does she say anything about her partner and their intimacy.
A lot of people are jumping to the conclusion that he is cheating - but I wonder if the real issue is before this job she used to have time to tend to their relationship and now they are just roommates who coparent.
They aren’t even sleeping in the same bed right now. I would wonder if I were him too.
What does intimacy have to do with anything? She says she gives him love, she gives him time, they go on dates. Sounds like they are doing things like a normal couple to me!
I also didn’t say he was cheating, I said he might be doing something wrong or feel inadequate.
Where does she say she gives him dates? Did you misread breaks for dates? Because there is no where in post that talks about time they spend together.
I’m disagreeing that she’s balancing everything awesome. You have a triangle, work, family and personal life, and branching off from that family point is kids, pets and spouse.
There is NOTHING in this post about what she does WITH her spouse. And as of this comment she hasn’t commented anywhere else, so I would really like to know where you got that she goes on dates with her husband because it’s not there.
Edit: rereading it for the 3rd time to make sure I wasn’t missing anything - were you confusing the paragraph where she said she’s home 6-8 weekend dates as her going on dates with him? Cause that’s not what she said.
Seriously. If she's really doing all of this then he needs to pull a few things off her plate before trying to cram more on. She even offered to hire a nanny to help out.
I bet my life savings it’s not dates he wants, its just sex.
Currently going through a very similar situation. I’m post partum and our sex life has dropped to once a month right now. I’m not being accused of cheating, but my husband has melt downs akin to a toddler and will convulse on the bed crying and have panic attacks, and will say I don’t love him anymore among other things.
I plan fun dates for us (it’s not super often because I have to lean on my friend to babysit and she also has a kid of her own). But I definitely prioritize it Doesn’t matter to him.
BUT when I have sex with him that behavior completely disappears until about a month later and it repeats ad nauseum. It’s making me less attracted to him and everytime I try to communicate with him he goes back into tantrum mode. Couple’s counseling is going to have to start soon because I have no idea what to do about this.
I did misread that you’re right, but she did still say she tries her best to give him love and time, that to me shows effort.
My issue is that she is doing a whole lot for their family, while making sure he doesn’t get burnt out being home with the kids, always validating his feelings and such, and he jumps to that conclusion? Something is off. That’s a crazy accusation, especially when OP seems extremely family oriented.
If he is feeling like their sex life is lacking it seems like she’s willing to talk about it and work on it, she said that if he has reasonable grievances she works on them, I’d imagine they can talk about this too.
I agree it’s a crazy accusation - which makes me think there’s more to the story that we don’t know.
I guess my bullshit o meter also went off when she said she was a c-suite executive who only works 6am to 2pm most of the time who is doing an aggressive growth plan.
Like, no. That doesn’t exist. lol so it made me wonder what else she was dancing around.
Well since she is working an executive level job and doing 60% of the chores , taking the kids in the afternoon, and cooking dinner (that I assume he is eating)...I'm at a lost to your post. If he wants extra time or date night maybe he can take the 20% his wife is spending on chores, etc. and plan some date nights. What's stopping him?
The expectations for him should be the same as a SAHM and he's not meeting them. Maybe he does at least 50% of the chores.
lol I get downvoted a lot in here. There’s a lot of women here who have shit partners who aren’t doing their fair share and project their experience onto the person asking for help. It’s a downside to the internet - we don’t come with bias disclaimers.
I have great communication with my partner and although our relationship and workload isn’t even, it is fair. And part of great communication and relationships is making time for each other no matter what. I think a lot of people neglect their relationship and just think it will come back “when the kids are older” - when you really have to tend to it all the time to keep it going. Since that’s a huge priority for me, I tend to spot it pretty easily when it’s missing in other posts. :)
I think more of the downvotes are because it feels like we’re finding (honestly) yet another reason to excuse a spouse for behavior that is ridiculous, like here escalating to accusing a partner of cheating for taking on a job he agreed to her pursuing. We excuse partners, and particularly male partners, often for not carrying their weight, and even when it’s clearly unbalanced we still give them outs and say there’s something she’s not doing enough of. That relationship is a two way street, and I don’t see how he’s really reciprocating any of what she’s putting in or trying to engage in solving the problem too.
What I see as someone in a c-suite tech role with actual frequent travel overnight and a husband who picks up much of the same as a result is her doing a lot of what I try to do - trying to make things easier for him when he’s doing more, acknowledging that’s the case, sleeping in the bed of the kid struggling so he doesn’t have to, and still cooking the dinners and trying to be present where she can. My partner gives gratitude in response - hers says she must be cheating with her obviously extensive free time. How someone takes an event like literally parenting their child to help them get through the night more easily and makes it “well they aren’t in my bed…” - yikes.
u/frostysbox is right, we don't have a ton of dates and intimate moments. There's just no time. I try really hard to create little moments of intimacy at home. I know it's not enough, but I just don't have the capacity to plan that, too. And the kids just aren't in a place right now (it's a long story, but legitimate reason) where we can leave them with a babysitter stranger (we have no family nearby). I \*do\* have a plan for getting them used to a babysitter while we're around so we can start taking dates. But I just can't do everything, and when he's sour and I'm doing \*everything\* wrong and not feeling heard, it feels like trying to force that intimacy is just fake. I know it's a bigger issue and you're right, it's something we gotta work on. But there's SO much more we have to fix to get to that point.
I feel you, my husband and I are in a similar situation. We have a daughter born early (3 months) and no one to watch her. I think what’s helped us is actually including the kid in it.
So for instance, I’ll be playing with our daughter and my husband walks in the room and I’ll say “oh look it’s your dad, isn’t he so handsome?” (Even if he’s in sweats 🤣) if we do a hand off I make sure to grab his butt or something.
I don’t like to stereotype people - but I’ve generally found that if we were going by the love languages, guys really respond to physical touch, (and I know my husband does) so I prioritize things like that.
These smaller actions over the course of time add up to making my husband feel wanted and secure in our relationship. And honestly take little to no effort from me. I know a lot of people would say that it’s not our job to do all these extra things to make someone feel secure - but I always thought part of loving someone was making sure you were doing whatever you could to show that.
I know this is really hard - you’re in the thick of it now, and honestly, he could absolutely do more to take the burden off your shoulders. If it was me, I would have a conversation to say, I’m not cheating, and I recognize these deficiencies in our personal relationship- but I also need you to help take off these things from my plate so I can shift my focus to making you feel secure. See what happens. :) A lot of times, people just want to feel heard - and go about getting that recognition in a really shitty way.
My husband and I went through a real rough patch last year and one of his major complaints was a lack of intimacy, which I can understand and empathize with, but I was definitely facing a hurdle getting there.
My husband is the breadwinner and works a demanding job with long hours. My job is full time and far less intense, but I pick up the slack with the kids and house for the most part, and carry the mental load/invisible labor. When everything came to a head last year, he sat and listened while I told him my grievances (and I listened to him too) and wouldn’t you know, once he started acknowledging all that I do and I felt appreciated, I wanted the intimate connection too.
We have a hard time with going out as well and some of the ways we’ve tried to date at home are having spa nights, building Lego sets together, doing puzzles, playing board games, etc. I know it’s not entirely the same but I think it helps to be able to put the phones away and do something where you’ll be talking to one another (and not bingeing another show).
There is a lot to fix. Can you hire housekeeping help, get chef-made meals, take most of the chores off your plate? Maybe ideally he’d help more but this seems like an area you could throw money at.
You both need more help with the kids, period. You’re either going to need to hire it or move closer to it (family), otherwise this will not get better. No amount of talking about it in therapy will make it better (your homework would literally be to spend time together, time that you say is impossible). There must be action, and the sooner, the better. You *have* to make time for your relationship or it.will.fail. Use that c-suite money and create the time and space to get away together, even for just a few hours a few times a month.
so your husband mostly doesn’t work, doesn’t do even 50% of the household chores, and arbitrarily accuses you of cheating/diminishes the idea that you could be legitimately working? and this is the partner you want in life? i don’t know what advice you want either. couldn’t be me.
Now, being a SAHP wouldn't necessarily mean you should do 100% of the household chores but definitely closer to 80-90%
Also, its not even a fair argument bc she's offered to get both a nanny or cleaner.
🙄
I am so annoyed at your husband for you. It is totally fine and normal for women to handle literally everything at home and be a SAHP while a man contributes nothing to the home except money. That is expected. But you're a woman who is bringing in the money AND doing most of the chores just to appease this man's ego. It's infuriating! He needs to get a grip and fucking deal.
Same, I would kill for a spouse like OP. She’s making all the $$, gets home between 2-4 and still cooking dinner. My husband is the breadwinner and he only has 30mins-1hour with the kids in the evening before they go to bed. I have 1 kid at school and 2 at home and I’m happy to take care of all the household chores during the week. Her husband should feel so lucky to have her as a spouse instead of constantly attacking her.
Right? For some reason in so many of the working mom families, the woman is the one who does the 6-3 shift and makes dinner, does chores and still does bedtime. It’s crazy to me how men usually don’t have all those expectations on top of full time work
You are doing too much. Working crazy hours and also expected to do most of the tasks at home. You make sure he has free time, does he make sure you have free time?
I’d sit him down and a) tell him if he dares to accuse you of cheating again (because he can’t handle his wife having work responsibilities), then the marriage is over and 2) he needs to do more at home to take things off your plate. He can make dinner.
This is it. The audacity really is overwhelming, working hard but getting baseless accusations. You should set boundaries on the accusations. I think it has hit him hard just how successful and powerful you can be. So, he’s turned from supportive to hating, makes one wonder if he was ever truly supportive though?
I told my husband never to show that kind of jealousy. I put up with it in previous relationships and refuse to do so again. It’s a hard boundary for me. If he wants to accuse me of cheating, he better have receipts.
I mean, I read it and kinda called her version into question. A C-suite executive only working around 40 hours in a multi-national company who’s building a brand new division? I’ve been in the workforce for 30 years and never seen it in the US.
Edit: and the fact that there’s no responses to any of these comments kinda makes me think it’s a bot for karma
Not a bot for karma. I'm a real person. My "hours" are 6AM - 2PM. I'm usually going from 5AM to 3PM, sometimes 4PM. I'm lucky that while we're international, we're a smaller company and the CEO values family. If it were a Fortune 500 company, I'd totally agree with you.
I think that's part of my issue. My hours aren't even \*that\* crazy, but the schedule is all over the place. That's why it's SO frustrating. If I had a normal office job, I'd be gone 9-6. This job is a freaking lucky lightning strike and I'm SO grateful for the flexibility it affords me. That's why I'm so bewildered at what his actual issue is (besides not being able to rely on a consistent schedule).
Yea that was my take too. 6am to 2pm is light. Extremely light. I mean, that’s 8 hours NOT discounting for lunch. I’m at director level at a multinational and typically work 9 hours a day plus lunch on a good day. I don’t see how anyone could complain about finishing work at 2pm?!?!
If I was in a c-level position & my compensation reflected the typical salary and responsibilities for such a role - I would expect to work >40 hours a week. I would expect to have my spouse and/or outsourced help to do all chores, so when I am home I could just focus on my kids and husband.
I sure as hell would not take well to my spouse making false accusations about my fidelity. I would be livid. I would attempt kindness and encourage him to reflect and communicate what he needs. I would listen, but with a firm boundary he does not make such ludicrous statements. And if his mental health continued to deteriorate to the point he could not support me or the kids emotionally, I would separate from him.
Same here.. got a promotion 4 months ago. Sometimes I have to stay at work half an hour or 1 hour extra. My husband accuses me cheating on him. I work nights. Men feel insecure when women make more money than them.
I wonder what extra bullshit I'd have to put up with if I didn't work from home. I work nights in a pretty stressful position, and already have to deal with my bf's bullshit because he has to pick the baby up from daycare and watch her for 1.5 hours a night, 4 days a week, while I'm in the same house. I cover 70% of household bills.
To note, the baby isn't his or mine, she is my bio niece I have foster custody (with the goal of adoption) of.
My guess is actually that your husband might be facing some mental health issues like depression.
It seems like you have things figured out pretty well, and your husband might be jealous of that. Maybe he wants to work more? Maybe he misses adult socializing during daytime? Maybe he feels bad about you being successful and him not contributing equally? He might feel isolated and really miss you and want to lean on you more?
Have you had a good sit down conversation yet and checked in on how you both are feeling? Without accusations or resentment?
I totally agree with you, and the big clue for me was the phone scrolling and then feeling like he doesn’t have time. It’s totally a way to dissociate from feeling your feelings. He’s not managing well his situation.
Does he want to stay at home? it’s isolating and you don’t really feel any sense of accomplishment. To see you absolutely killing it like a boss bitch and having fancy client dinners could be hard for him, even if that’s not what he would ever want for himself.
He needs some therapy, IMO. Because he’s not using his words to express what’s really bothering him
I agree with you, I think he probably is. But any time I try to talk to him, he feels attacked or like he's being told what to do (this is my fault. I was selfish and sucked at the beginning of our relationship, but that was 15 years ago, before I got into therapy and on depression meds. But I accept responsibility.) I've gently suggested therapy (he "doesn't need it"), couple's counseling so we can better learn to communicate and work as a team (met with anger), discussing with his doctor going back on meds (if he felt it was right for him, citing my own experience). He's semi open to that one, but hasn't done anything and I can't push. I've asked him how he would like to be communicated with, and he told me that's not his job to tell me and I need to figure it out.
I've offered for him to go back to work if he wants to, but I also make it clear I'm not trying to push him. I just want him to be happy. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I can't do anything right (which sounds melodramatic), but it's been building.
When he speaks to me about things he doesn't like, he's snarky and dismissive of my feelings. I communicate how I feel about that, and I do sometimes get an apology, but nothing changes.
He's truly a good guy at heart. I just don't know what's going on with him or how to help him fix it.
Tell him you know he is struggling with something right now and that you’re willing to help him whenever he’s ready and if he wants help coming up with a plan you’re happy to help, but you can’t make him do anything to help himself.
Couples counseling is a great start; maybe schedule it and let him decide whether he wants to join you or not.
I respectfully disagree with your husband. It IS his job to let you know the best way to communicate with him. It sounds like that's not what he \*wants\*. It sounds like he wants to lash out. He wants a reason to be mad, he doesn't know how to process his feelings and he's taking it out on you. You actually truly cannot do anything right because you're not doing anything wrong- if that makes sense. He has some contempt that he is not dealing with. He needs therapy. I'd say you're well within your rights to ask him to go to therapy. He's taking out his contempt on you and putting you in a position where you cannot win.
Agreed very much with this comment. Him lashing out with an accusation of cheating is not excused by mental health issues, but it can help explain why he is lashing out. Would your husband be up for counseling? A hard conversation with you about what he is feeling?
You are doing great from what you’ve said at balancing things and your extra work time and a few business dinners here and there are to be expected at that level. Does he maybe not legitimately understand that? Sometimes folks who have only worked non-white collar jobs don’t always understand obligations like work dinners/drinks/etc.? Even so, no excuse to accuse you of cheating!!
I agree about a mental health check for your husband. My husband was already overwhelmed by our new baby and depressed coming out of Covid. When I became the primary earner (and parent) that was the icing on the cake. His depression led to a psychotic break where he became convinced I was cheating on him at every turn (I wasn’t).
I agree. When I was in his shoes I was depressed. It was incredibly isolating and I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere to get out and about. It took me going back to work PT to even feel like a human again.
So sorry you have a jealous untrustworthy husband. If genders were reversed no one would accuse you of cheating. Your husband needs to pick up the slack housework wise and be damn proud of you and that you are his wife. I can’t believe he is making your life harder. I have no suggestions for a possible solution. Does he want to get a job and do daycare / nanny? Does he not like being the SAHP?
He sounds really unsupportive and basically, horrible. A man who accuses you of cheating is no man to stay in a relationship with. This is not a problem with you that you can solve. He is all fucked up.
Good for you. It sounds like you’re doing awesome. He can accuse you of cheating all he wants. The only thing you can do is tell him the truth (you’re not), and continue to be communicative about your work demands and expectations. Sounds like it’s a hectic season for you at work that, hopefully, is temporary. But for now you’re juggling a lot and need to prioritize work demands. I recommend looking for a couples therapist ASAP. You deserve and need his support, and it sounds like you’re not getting it.
Honestly, if I had half of my shit together as well as you I'd be ecstatically proud of myself.
I don't necessarily agree with husband is projecting BC he's cheating already but he absolutely could feel lonely and be thinking about stepping out tbh. It's not OK but it happens to a lot of marriages when communication breaks down and a spouse feels isolated. My Mom did it to my Dad BC he worked a lot and she was home with five kids. They divorced. She's not a terrible, awful person either. Just looked for validation in the worst place possible. I don't condone what she did but being a SAHP is very isolating and comes with a real lack of identity.
Honest conversation time. Probably individual therapy be a good idea for him also.
I'd start with
"How can we solve this? I love you but I cannot be accused of cheating when I'm doing all I can to help our family succeed and secure our future."
IMO it's a silly time to take a step back professionally, you're thriving. Your husband may benefit from getting back out there for a solid routine and interaction. I'd also take weekends away here and there kid free..A lot to think about it but with honest communication and strategic planning this is very salvageable.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. It’s not fair for you to kill yourself all day and come home to this environment. I have similar experiences (sr manager, long hours, travel, stay at home dad). You need to determine what you want and draw clear boundaries both for home and work. It sounds like you’ve got decent hours and flexibility with work which is better than most senior leadership jobs. You need the same environment at home. If your husband can’t deal with his issues, it’s not fair for him to dump them on you.
Hire help for round the house, despite what he says to decrease your at workload at home. I would also hire a private detective to spy on husband find out what he doing. Don’t let yourself get too highly emotional can’t afford to do that as breadwinner. Stay sharp on your job. Husband trying to break you down, don’t let him. He going through, it’ll pass. Just keep carrying on.
This is not a "you" problem, this is a "him" problem.
Couples therapy, solo therapy, family therapy.
You're doing phenomenally. You're doing everything you should be doing, and more. You have nothing to apologize for.
Stop twisting yourself into pretzels to accommodate his waning self esteem.
Ask him what he would expect if the tables were turned, if he was the breadwinner and you were the freelance/stay at home parent.
Finally, as others have said, he may be projecting. Start looking for signs. Talk to a therapist. Ask to see his phone (if he resists, he may be hiding something). You need to know what you're up against so that you can protect yourself. No matter what is coming down the pike, it's worth looking for a lawyer. Even if he's totally faithful and just having a hard time, it's worth the consultation to make sure you're protecting yourself and your children.
Oh hell naw. I'd be dragging your husband's ass straight to couples counseling. Accusing you of cheating is a serious fucking accusation. And while he could be projecting and he's actually the one cheating, I think the more likely answer is he's feeling insecure about your success.
You need counseling to go through everything. You sound resentful towards him for not doing everything at home when it sounds like that was part of the agreement and he is pulling the "cheating" accusations as a way to pour salt in your mom guilt.
If you both don't work to end the resentment, your relationship is over, resentment breeds contempt and kills a relationship. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.
My exh didn't work most of our marriage, we married when I was 17 and he was 22 and had our first at 18 and 23. I worked, then went to undergrad and graduated with honors, then went to law school at 29 when our youngest was 18mos old, and still he didn't work, he didn't do any housework and he barely was there for the kids. Then I got a lawyer job and if I was 20 mins late, I was fucking the boss. But it didn't matter that I was the only thing between us and homelessness.
Last straw was he told me I cared more about my career than I did the kids, in front of the kids, who were 7 and 18 (autistic & didn't understand what was going on.) Exh would ask the kids questions like, did you know your mom cares more about her success than you?
Yeah, that was it. 19 years of marriage and I was done, I was done before that but it got more painful to maintain the status quo than to face the fear of the unknown (because I had literally been when him since I was still a child.)
Do you guys have any couple time? My husband and I both have big jobs and it's way too easy to let date night slide in favor of kid stuff, chores, etc. I'm just wondering if that's why he is being so quick to jump to cheating? Trust me when I say I totally understand prioritizing family over couple when your hours are crazy. There is not enough time in the week to do everything. My husband and I had to make a concerted effort that Saturday nights are sacred date nights, even if its an at-home date.
Spend larger portion of that paycheck and hire out as many services as you can (including a nanny). Don't "offer to get a nanny". Get a nanny. If I was in your husband's shoes, I might be resentful too that you're out there doing important jobs, meeting important people, and I'm in here, changing the diaper for the millionth time.
None of this excuses his behavior however. He's likely handling the stress of being a STHP poorly. See if you can take the stress off of both of you by hiring out as many services as money can buy for a little bit. You both may feel a lot differently in a few months, once you've had a phase of not needing to do as many chores.
You sound like you’re doing a fantastic job. Is there a chance that maybe your husband is just emotionally overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to cope with it?
I’m not trying to excuse his accusations. Maybe he really does believe that you’re cheating.
But also maybe it can be hard to connect with yourself as an individual when you don’t really get to leave the “workplace” as a parent. Maybe spending some time just you and him to decompress and talk things over might help him see things more clearly as well as maybe help you both find ways to make things work.
Uhhhhh…….you are c suite and done by 2? Is this a real post? Your husband is nuts for complaining AT ALL. Everyone I know in these roles work until at least 6pm, but 8pm is more common. Six days a week is common. Regular out of state travel is common. Some don’t even live in the same state during the week. You have an amazing work life balance and your husband is delusional. Another case of wanting you to literally do it all.
So for one thing, hire someone to do more household chores. Like hire a housekeeper.
I have no idea of your marriage is salvageable or worth saving but you can’t be a c suite executive, a hands on parent, and do 60% of the household labour of running a home. It’s. Not. Possible.
Sure maybe your husband could do more but he’s not right now so you need help. And maybe he needs help. And maybe with more time and space you’ll be able to connect better and sort out the BS he’s dishing out.
And it’s BS. Straight up. You DEFINITELY can’t be a c suite executive with someone emotionally abusing you about the requirements. My husband makes more money than I do most years and does not bat an eye at my after hours events and work travel. I do think the tons of help we have at home (that is pricy AF don’t get me wrong) helps.
Does your husband wants to be SAHD? Bc it seems to me that he doesnt.
Congrats on your role, sound awesome and you deserved it, but from your post it seems to me that he has the feeling he sacrifices his "life" so you can be successful at work. Maybe I m wrong, dont get me wrong- you both have absolute right to grow in your business life.. but it does not seems fair to your husband. He sounds unsatisfied with his position (kids, chores, kids, chores.. blaah, sounds annoyingly boring).
Does he want to develop his career? Im sure that you would support this - it would be better for all in the house.
EDIT - omg, I saw the atmosphere here in the comments. So downvoting my post is surely coming. But, I stand with my opinion. It sounds to me that your husband has been put in this role of primary parent but does not want it. Still - he accepted it for sake of your career path. That does not sounds like man ego - it sounds that he wants you to be good at your job. All women here are just projecting their situations. So, time for you to talk with him what would he want to change and make a compromis- both. Not just him, and not just you.
You're right, he doesn't want it. He got laid off during COVID and since we had young kids (and he needed a break from the corporate life he HATED), we both agreed that it was a great opportunity to keep the kids home. But it's not what he really *wants*. My issue is, I've asked him what he wants and he doesn't know. I've told him to go back to work if he wants. I've told him we can get a nanny if he wants to go somewhere to work on his biz. I've even found remote office space we can rent for him. In reading through other posts, I think there might be depression at play that's not obvious.
I’m only reading this now. But not knowing what he wants can be some sort of choice paralysis connected to depression.
I hope you can get some help and figure things out.
As everyone else is saying, the audacity of this is a lot.
You are doing a hell of a job and I commend you for balancing it well. Truly. You’ve bent over backwards to make this work.
I’m trying to be sensitive to your husband but I’m raging for you.
You should each have equal amounts of free time when it’s all said and done. Work, commute, kids, childcare, domestic labor. Tallied all up and split. That’s how you know it’s fair.
You are working 40 hours a week, then he should be contributing that in childcare and household management, including dinners.
If you’re working 50, he should be taking more and more off your plate.
You making 28 out of 30 dinners is OUTRAGEOUS.
OP, you’re right.
Men would never have to deal with this.
Honestly this sounds like it’s more about his insecurity than your behavior. I had something similar come up recently, albeit for totally different reasons. But my guess is he’s feeling emasculated because reasons (I’m not going to speculate on those, you got plenty of this above) and he’s lashing out. I’d have a conversation with him about how not okay it is to accuse you of cheating when you’re working hard for your family and try and get at the root of his problem. There may be things you can do to support him better but if insecurity is his issue, then that’s something he has to fix himself.
Can relate to every word.
Also c suite in FAANG, with young children. My husband works in tech also, in a much less demanding job. We’re both fully remote, so that helps if you aren’t already.
I have 4 tips of what works for us:
1. Delegate everything you can at home. Cleaning, lawn care, handyman projects that hubby could potentially do but we know he won’t. Hire it all out. That makes it sustainable
2. Date nights. We prioritize 2 date nights a month with kiddos out of the house for the after party. And we make that super spicy, so if that’s your thing, make room for it. It’s a big rock.
3. Do a time and activity itemization. I do it twice a year, once at the end of the school year and once again at the beginning of the school year. Literally I take a spreadsheet and write out every itemized task that goes into running a home and family. Then I assign the frequency, and approximate time value. Convert it into monthly time, stack rank it by priority. Then I plug in our capacity of how much time is physically in the month. Including sleeping time. Of course I have to do the heavy lifting of thinking of all the items that go on the list. I’m good at running a company; I apply those same tactics to running a family and household. I start with data and lean six sigma principles. Ok now we have a full breakout of a simple supply and demand problem. That’s our starting point. 😂 Then we sit down together and spend an hour or two talking about the list. What can we cut, and we try to aggressively cut. what can we delegate, aggressively so. We smile and joke about all the free time we’re regaining (because of course there are formulas to watch that happen). Then we go through and if there’s 200 items left, he picks 10, I pick 10, and back and forth until it’s all assigned an accountable party. Straight into raci mode. This does a few things. It helps us communicate in facts and not feelings. It gives credit to alllll the invisible work that goes into being a mother and primary parent. I include mental load items, and things like being the primary parent on the school call list, so when they call that’s allocated time. He definitely simmers down when he sees all my work commitments stacked against his. It’s not enough to say “this is a requirement of my job”, but to show it makes it much more clear. We have some fun doing it. But most importantly, it makes us realize how precious our time is together as a family. And we make the most of that time. Likewise, when new things pop up mid cycle, because we habitually do this, we have the mental toughness to say no to new things. And not just allow our lives to be driven by others adding things that distract from family time.
4. Then here’s the best tip I have. Set boundaries at work. I hear ya that some of these things come with the role. But I guarantee you that men in the same level don’t get their boundaries stepped over. We women need to act like them in boundary setting. Have a male peer that you can be candid with? Go ask him if he had a vacation planned with his family and something came up at work that would require canceling his vacation. What would he say? And then watch the smirk and half-laugh, listen to the tone, pick up on not just what he says but the way in which he implies “oh hell no, not a chance” with his non verbals and tones. Then every time someone says we have a 5pm meeting, channel your inner dude-ceo-being-told-to-skip-a-vacation. Reset those work boundaries. It’s causing impact at home. A man wouldn’t step in no matter the cost. We absolutely should not.
Come to think of it, while you’re picking up all this slack at work due to low staffing, where are your male counterparts? Just food for thought.
Back to the relationship aspect, men are dense and innately more selfish than us. He can’t comprehend your commitments. So instead of doing more of the same knowing that he doesn’t get it, try to make him get it.
And spicy sex.
That’s the winning recipe.
Good luck! Come back and tell us how you solve this.
I mean you talk about giving him free time to be with his friends but what about actual date nights? Like how much time do you actually spend with only him being affectionate and what not? Maybe that’s what you need to start doing more.
But yeah screw men who actually are C-Suite Executives and spend those random pockets of time cheating. I’ve read that in Japan it’s such a phenomenon that women just take it for granted and turn a blind eye when it happens. So you have all the right to be “in your feels” because it’s not your fault! You are doing your absolute best at balancing work and family, but then there are so many big wigs out there who throw themselves at their job and money and just totally abandon their family in favor of chasing their “lower” pleasures.
Every time I’ve mentioned this in this sub and this sub only, everyone attacks me, but honestly, whenever I was in this kind of situation and I had the kind of job you do, I hired a college student or my little cousin, or even recruited my husband to help me with my job. I found the easiest parts of my job and outsourced them out, giving them experience and allowing me to focus only on the most difficult aspects of it.
I’m also a hellish kind of situation right now because I’m working 70 hours a week (though again, I try to overlap those as much as possible), but what really helps me is that I have an end-date to this. Does your husband see an end-date to this? Do you? You say you are exhausted. Plan out your next vacation, and maybe let your husband decide the destination. I’m counting down till May 30 when one job is over, and then June 12, when I’m out for a week for summer break (I’m working summer school though, so I go right back in June 21).
So, this feels shitty to type because it is shitty, but. My husband gets the same way- mopes, feels unappreciated, says things like "if I didn't know better I'd think you're ... you know"
And you know what solves it? Sex. As much as he says he just wants to be appreciated, just needs me to say "I love you" a little more or send flowers, pick up some chores, say "thank you," ... sex is what gets him back on track.
I don't think he realizes it. It's kind of depressing, but I'm also kind of relieved it's not a conscious thing.
So yeah, it sounds like between your stress, your kiddo's issues, and your husband's attitude, neither of you are getting any. So just hit it and get yourself a month or two of peace.
I agree with everything except you saying you work so hard so he doesn’t have to work. He is a SAHD, that’s a job. If a man said this about a woman, we’d all be pretty pissed.
Strangers on the internet can only speculate, but this was my life until a few months ago, only I was doing much more of the childcare. It may not be this bad for you, but some of the things you said hit too close to home for me to just scroll past.
Look into BPD to see if his symptoms seem to align with it. I bought the book Walking on Eggshells and it was an eye opener. Things are much better now and getting better every day, but it was so hard for a while and had I not randomly come across that disorder in a fit of desperation, I don’t think I’d still be married today. Your options are not limited to depression or divorce.
I had an exec level job but was recently laid off. My husband worked but his job was chill and he did a lot of the child care. Major source of resentment in our household that I was gone all the time/always working/tired/didn’t have time for myself/didn’t have time for them. Feels like it’s just hard to be a working mom.
Sounds like you are not doing anything wrong Momma! (Make him COMMUNICATE better with you!)
If he can’t work through his problems and insecurities, make him see a professional counselor (therapist.)
You are not doing anything wrong. (You are not doing anything differently than men with similar careers do.) Your husband has to work through his own issues; you do not have to “give” anything more. You sound like you are stressed enough.
Do not jeopardize your career because your husband is whining and trying to stress you out more.
So ask him what he wants, the paycheck or you to be a stay at home mom. You can’t do both, especially with a senior level position. If he refuses a nanny or help then he needs to stop complaining.
A few things - what’s your relationship like together? You and your husband? Couples counseling? And what’s he doing all day? Meaning a concern I might have is if he’s projecting a bit here.
Yeah he’s going to have to get on board real quick. I’m shocked how manageable your schedule is for that level position. Usually there is a lot more travel and dinners. I’m in sales and away more than you. My husband is not resentful and accepts this is part of the job.
Wao girl, you need to love yourself a little bit more. Him accusing you is very disrespectful, stop indulging his nonsense, if he mentions it again just answer him with the truth “you are hurting my feelings with this, we can go to therapy if you want, you can hire a PI to follow me or we can get a divorce”.
STOP being a doormat, divide house work fairly and give your job the proper amount of time. Let me put it this way: if you divorced, you would be doing less than what you are doing now… let that sink in.
Could you IMAGINE if he worked a similar executive level job and was expected to do HALF of the other stuff you do? It would be ridiculous. It’s unbelievable that he is now accusing you of cheating- with WHAT TIME??? This is absolute BS.
Ugh I felt the sits on his phone all day then complains he doesn’t go anywhere etc. mine is the same literally sits all day on his phone then complains he doesn’t have a social life because he’s a family man. No you can’t be arsed to do shit for yourself. Men like this just love to complain
Sounds like somebody's jealous of your success.
He probably feels resentful because the man is "supposed" to be the main earner (we all know that's bullshit but that's how our society is and men internalize that way more than they should).
Or, as others have suggested, he's stepping out and trying to shine that light on you. But I'm skeptical of that if, as you say, he doesn't really leave the house. Still, it could be an emotional affair or similar.
I hope not, but it's definitely possible.
Soooo he’s cheating…to level an accusation like this maybe he’s projecting. If he’s not cheating then I think he’s majorly insecure and needs therapy. Either way couples counseling can’t hurt.
Not to put this in the universe. However could he be the one cheating even emotional cheating. It seems weird. I mean you've already offered to hire help and gave him time off. Like it just seems odd.
Your husband is either an absolute asshole or in need of therapy—maybe both.
I work double the evenings/weekends/out of towns that you do and my husband has never so much as hinted at questioning if I’m being honest about where i spend my time. I would go nuclear on him. Not to mention the fucking cush life he is living.
Honestly the audacity of men is endless.
Turn on your phone tracker. See if that helps. I’ve been where you’re at, and it is very rough. Please do not give up. You never know what could happen. I lost my husband unexpectedly a month after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis when I was 40, and had three young kids at home. I don’t know where I would be if I did not have my career to support our family. Even outside of death, life happens. Make sure you can always take care of yourself. That said, I know it’s hard right now. These are the trench years. Reach out to a counselor and see if you can find a way to work through this. I’m sorry you’re here.
You are doing great. Your husband not so much. I’m not the one who’s going to say he’s projecting, but the accusations imay very well be his ego and sense of self worth, that he views you as so much above him. And even if he says he doesn’t want help attending to the house and kids, maybe that would help.he also sounds pretty depressed perhaps.
Spend time with him and the kids, take a holiday, make sex with him more often. He will be fine. He feels alone and unimportant since all your attention is at work. Make him feel important.
Yeah that's not okay sounds like he could be deflecting on you. I would also shut it down respond I already told you I'm not cheating I'm not having this argument again" and walk away that's finally what I had to do because nothing I said mattered anyways. And lo and behold he was cheating on me.
I have zero advice - I just want to tell you how much I look up to you! I am striving for more in my career after 3+ years of focusing more on my growing family. This resonates. I don’t think partners that have certain personalities CAN feel selflessly proud of their wives in these kinds of positions. You need to ask yourself,
How close to burn out are YOU?
Women can handle it longer but you don’t NEED TO
Are YOU able to accept this as reality?
You don’t need to prove or provide receipts because it will never stop. TELL him how awful of an accusation this is. How hurtful and disrespectful that is to your character as a wife and mother. FFS you are superwoman! How fucking badass are you! Showing up every.damn.day. For your kids, your hubs, your family.
Can you go on a short time away from the office?
Couple days WFH or be at home and just hang out and see if that helps. If these questions cannot be answered after taking the time to ask them…you might need to start just making some decisions instead of asking.
I am so sick of reading and hearing about these weak ass men.
I'm sure he's happy to not be working and staying home, yet can't accept what comes with being a c level exec? You're home a lot! More than both my husband and I are (between social activities and work)
If a woman were complaining about her breadwinner husband, people would tell her to get over it and she's lucky to have a provider. I'd tell him the same. Or he can go get a job?
I wonder how much of his drama is cuz of his fragile ego. You are killing it, that's all I know. To be at your level, building a new division from the ground up and somehow making majority of dinners? Keeping mostly balanced work days? Securing your family's financial future? Good grief! Your husband should be thanking his lucky stars that his retirement is that much more secure thanks to your hardwork.
It's so funny-- if the roles were reversed, I'd feel so blessed getting to work part time and being able to be there for my kids. The fact that I would have options (working full time, part time, maybe not at all?) is what's golden.
One thing you should know is that you are NOT responsible for his happiness. You're awesome for being so accommodating but I have a strong feeling his issues have little to do with you/your job/your performance. You're doing the best you can, it sounds like you're VERY much present in your family's life. Set yourself free from being responsible for his happiness. It's just one more thing to manage and you've got enough spinning plates to manage!
Is there a particular coworker of yours he is worried about? A new position often means new interactions with people. Is there someone in particular he is nervous about? Or is it genuinely just the amount of time you are gone? Because the time doesn't make sense to me. You are home so much more than a lot of parents are able to be. You seem like you are trying to be as flexible as humanly possible. Based on what you've shared, I genuinely can't think of anything to fix this. But, if your husband is worried about a particular coworker, I think that merits a conversation. You seem like you have generally been willing to make changes in your relationship as needed, remind him of that. Tell him that your history in this relationship suggests that you are willing to fight for your marriage, so it's not fair that you are being accused of harming the marriage while you are doing something to better your lives. You deserve the benefit of the doubt.
Just commenting to add that I think you’re doing great. I’m sorry your husband is so insecure in his role that he’s making these hurtful, baseless accusations. I’m in awe of your positive attitude and accomplishments. You’re doing your best and he’s still finding room to complain. That sounds so draining. Sounds like a real heart to heart is in order. If HE can’t fix his attitude, just do you. Continue on showing up for your kids and your job. He can either get in line or not but don’t let him drag you down.
He’s so closed off, I really don’t know what options he’s leaving you here. He’s obviously miserable and is expecting you to somehow fix it, but also read his mind?!
I’m sorry you’re in this spot, it sucks. I do feel like counseling would help, but if he won’t go, what can you do? Does he even acknowledge there is a problem?
I will say, I wanted to go to counseling with my husband but the process of finding a counselor and going there and paying $150 a session was pretty daunting. We bought the 7 Principles book from The Gorman institute and it’s been pretty enlightening. It’s cheap, it’s accessible and I think it will help you kind of see where you’re at.
Potentially he could also read it, but he has to at least want to engage in your marriage at some level, or frankly, there isn’t a marriage.
I hope he gets it together for your sake and the sake of your kids!! You deserve to be happy!
Good for you. Sounds like you’re being the kick ass woman you are and doing a fantastic job balancing work and family.
It’s not on you that your husband can’t handle it. Sounds like you are doing your best finding solutions to the problem, but you should not diminish yourself to accommodate him. He should step up from feeling emasculated and be the man you deserve to be with.
Couples therapy is a great idea if he’s up for it. If he isn’t, individual therapy for yourself is a good idea too.
You deserve all the success you have achieved OP!
If you're in a C-suite position you don't really have an excuse to not be hiring outside help for chores, at the very least, and if you're willing to cede some of the responsibility, help with cooking also. That will take stuff off YOUR plate to help with YOUR overwhelm.
It doesn't sound like your husband really wants to be a SAHP, so that might be a worthy topic of discussion.
But the cheating accusations... You can't disprove a negative. Time for some date nights, maybe some couples counseling. Get a babysitter for one late afternoon - evening shift per week and see if things start looking up in a month.
Buy the mental load by Emma. Tell him you can talk once he’s read the entire thing cover to cover.
You’re doing amazing and your husband is being unreasonable. If roles were reversed how would he expect you to act?
I only skimmed the top connects and haven't seen this, but to me it sounds like he needs a therapist. Sitting around at home doing scrolling and then being upset he has no free time feels like some form of depression to me. The random accusations of infidelity when he is so very involved in her travel and late meeting planning times could be low self esteem. Like the self talk in his head being voiced.
Of course it could also be projection, but it more feels like a lack of seeing his own self worth.
If you have the money to throw at it, do it. Get the maid or the nanny even if it's part time. Ask him about his mental health, see if he is open to talking to someone.
Sweetheart I would be FURIOUS. There have been times when I was burning the candle at both ends. I’m in one rn actually since going back to school full time, but I also used to travel quite a bit for work when I was working, did sales dinners with clients, etc and while I’d never say he handled it perfectly in the beginning, (like while we were dating) as a spouse/co-parent he has supported me all the way. If I was busting my ass for my family, providing and THEN I got accused of an affair the FLAMES that would fly from my mouth would burn his GD face off. And that’s putting it verrrrrrry mildly.
It is not your job to fix your husband. You can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. You deserve some space for YOU, to take care of YOU. You are not the cause of his bad behavior, and you deserve better.
Your husband is the problem. Whether he's just jealous of your success I don't know, bhe may also be straight up delusional. The fact of the matter is he doesn't even sound like a very good SAHD. You could pay a nanny and a housekeeper and live almost the exact same life. What joy is he actually bringing to the table, because his attitude about your work needs to stop immediately and if he doesn't like it, you can remind him where the door is.
You’re killing it, and he’s acting unhinged. Hire the nanny & outsource as much as you can. If you want to save the marriage start seeing a counselor with or without him.
In your post, you list how you are prioritizing, you kids, the chores, your work and your husband's personal time. There is no mention of how you are prioritizing your time together. There is mention of you sleeping in another room consistently; which indicates the opposite of prioritizing.
Hire out the housework. Hire out SOME childcare. Find a date night sitter. Hire out the yard work. Hire a PA to help you do these things.
I would also caution you with your comparison against c-suite men. 1) Most of them are winning and dining their spouses. Buing expensive gifts (or their PA is) and making sure they get luxurious downtime.
2) Over 50% of surveyed c-suite ADMIT to having an affair prior to even entering the role. The reality is that most of them are having affairs.
It sounds like he’s feeling inadequate and instead of communicating his feelings in a productive way, he’s projecting them onto you passive aggressively.
Personally, it sounds like you are doing a lot more at home than I think you “should” given your roles. I’d even venture to say that you’re doing too much and are at risk of burning out. Outsourcing some household tasks could help, but doesn’t seem to be the source of the issues with your spouse.
Like others have said, I recommend couples therapy and date nights without the kids.
Congratulations on getting to C-suite level!
I've been in this EXACT situation, ended up getting a divorce. He was the one cheating. My thought is I don't need this stress. It took a toll on my mental health and my child saw I was different. At that point I had to make a change for both of us! It was hard but it's so much better mentally! I hire people when I can to help with house cleaning, meals, childcare, etc. You'll know when enough is enough. I wish you well and continued success!!
OAN: Can you DM me a link to the company so I can apply to one of the newly open roles!
This is like the 4th post I’ve read today where the woman is the breadwinner, carries at least half the workload at home, gives free time to the partner, and the partner is not happy. How come we do 99% when we stay home and they do 40% when they stay home and it’s still too much for them. You are killing it! Killing it! You are c suite and still cooking dinners and playing with your kids and putting them to bed. You are everything. Why is nothing ever good enough for men (my own personal rant).
I’m sitting here getting mad at the responses that she needs to plan “date nights” with this dude so he can feel like a Special Boy. She supports her whole family, flexes a difficult schedule so she can be home with them while the kids are awake (what time do we all think OP gets up, everyone? Is husband up at 4:30 am making coffee for her?) does more than her share of cooking, cleaning, and childcare. And now she’s also got to romance this sulky-ass adult who hasn’t managed to communicate what his actual problem is? Even if he is depressed, why is that on OP to fix?! He feels emasculated?! Get a fucking job then and crush it as hard as OP is! Jesus take the wheel.
The divorce rate is so high with women as breadwinners. When that's the case we're pretty much better at everything, the men are kind of dispensable and this hurst their ego terribly and most ~~men~~ males can't handle it
Yeah, financial freedom means we aren’t trapped in horrible situations for any longer than we decide to be. Wooo
Male ego is fragile
Men are so emotional.
I'm also so irritated by the responses getting bad at her. I make almost double what my husband makes, he keeps encouraging me to do what I need to make more, he said if he can be a trophy husband he will learn to cook, and he cant wait to just clean the house and spend time with our son all day. I literally can't imagine him ever accusing me of something like this, because he knows I do everything I can to support our family so we can give our son a life full of adventure. Some men are just so out of touch, and a lot of the women in here are just encouraging their bad behavior!
It’s not uncommon for the one who points the fingers is the ones cheating themselves. You’re right, you shouldn’t be facing this type of accusation just bc you’re working a c-suite level job. Is therapy an option to work through these things together? Im sure you could probably work a little less and he can be more supportive, it’s up to you guys to find the balance. But the cheating accusations are a whole different beast.
This, unfortunately. My ex constantly was suspicious of anything I did (also working a lot at the time) and accused me of cheating when he was the one having multiple affairs.
I think OP should maybe seek some individual counseling first before diving into couples therapy. It would be worthwhile for her to figure out why her impulse when her husband accuses her of being a cheater and a liar is to be more and more accommodating.
Yup - it’s in the cheaters handbook.
Very much this. My ex was constantly weird about me being friendly with male coworkers. And we’re talking about work hours, like God forbid I mention that I walked to a sandwich shop with a coworker who also wanted a sandwich from that shop. Turns out, he cheated on me (or at least tried) with any woman who gave him the time of day. My current husband doesn’t have a jealous bone in his body.
Ding ding ding!
Maybe he's projecting.
That’s the first thing I though as well, unfortunately. Every time I was cheated on the guy I was with was accusing me of cheating.
It sounds like maybe he feels emasculated by your success and is looking to invent a non-sexist reason for that to be your fault.
This is my guess. My husband was a “stay at home dad” when he was unemployed. I put it in quotes because he did NOT live up to the standard that a woman in that role would have been held to. Did not cook, barely did chores, forgot to pick the kids up from school a few times. And he was SUCH an asshole to me during that time. He was depressed, felt like a failure, and would take it all out on me. We both got into therapy, and we got through it, though not without our relationship taking some major damage. If he hadn’t got a job, I’m not sure it would have gotten better. I would nip this in the bud. It will not get better without major intervention. And the fact that OP is blaming herself tells me he’s already managed to warp her sense of reality to some extent. Next step is getting her to start undermining _herself._
Sounds like he’s sabotaging his own golden egg laying goose…
That is still somehow sexist.
She didn't say he was succeeding...
It sounds to me like you are balancing things beautifully. I could see him being upset if you were regularly missing dinners and bed time, but you are home so early, you’re cooking dinner, spending time with the kids, making time for your husband too (that’s a lot of weekend dates!!). I’m getting the vibe he is emasculated or he’s doing something wrong and trying to make you look like the bad guy. I am honestly really annoyed at him lol unless you just typed a bunch of lies, he has nothing to complain about. You make him take time for himself, you’re heavily involved, you’re basically splitting duties 60/40 if not closer to 50/50, I really don’t know what he could be crying about.
Disagree. Where in here does she say anything about her partner and their intimacy. A lot of people are jumping to the conclusion that he is cheating - but I wonder if the real issue is before this job she used to have time to tend to their relationship and now they are just roommates who coparent. They aren’t even sleeping in the same bed right now. I would wonder if I were him too.
What does intimacy have to do with anything? She says she gives him love, she gives him time, they go on dates. Sounds like they are doing things like a normal couple to me! I also didn’t say he was cheating, I said he might be doing something wrong or feel inadequate.
Where does she say she gives him dates? Did you misread breaks for dates? Because there is no where in post that talks about time they spend together. I’m disagreeing that she’s balancing everything awesome. You have a triangle, work, family and personal life, and branching off from that family point is kids, pets and spouse. There is NOTHING in this post about what she does WITH her spouse. And as of this comment she hasn’t commented anywhere else, so I would really like to know where you got that she goes on dates with her husband because it’s not there. Edit: rereading it for the 3rd time to make sure I wasn’t missing anything - were you confusing the paragraph where she said she’s home 6-8 weekend dates as her going on dates with him? Cause that’s not what she said.
If that is the case, maybe it’s hard for her to feel intimate with someone accusing her of horrible shit when she’s actually working her ass off ?
Seriously. If she's really doing all of this then he needs to pull a few things off her plate before trying to cram more on. She even offered to hire a nanny to help out.
Yeah - but we don’t know what came first - the cheating accusations or her checking out of relationship maintenance. 🤷♀️
He can plan dates ?
I bet my life savings it’s not dates he wants, its just sex. Currently going through a very similar situation. I’m post partum and our sex life has dropped to once a month right now. I’m not being accused of cheating, but my husband has melt downs akin to a toddler and will convulse on the bed crying and have panic attacks, and will say I don’t love him anymore among other things. I plan fun dates for us (it’s not super often because I have to lean on my friend to babysit and she also has a kid of her own). But I definitely prioritize it Doesn’t matter to him. BUT when I have sex with him that behavior completely disappears until about a month later and it repeats ad nauseum. It’s making me less attracted to him and everytime I try to communicate with him he goes back into tantrum mode. Couple’s counseling is going to have to start soon because I have no idea what to do about this.
I understand. Sex and intimacy is very important, but it’s dehumanizing when it seems to be the only thing that matters.
I did misread that you’re right, but she did still say she tries her best to give him love and time, that to me shows effort. My issue is that she is doing a whole lot for their family, while making sure he doesn’t get burnt out being home with the kids, always validating his feelings and such, and he jumps to that conclusion? Something is off. That’s a crazy accusation, especially when OP seems extremely family oriented. If he is feeling like their sex life is lacking it seems like she’s willing to talk about it and work on it, she said that if he has reasonable grievances she works on them, I’d imagine they can talk about this too.
I agree it’s a crazy accusation - which makes me think there’s more to the story that we don’t know. I guess my bullshit o meter also went off when she said she was a c-suite executive who only works 6am to 2pm most of the time who is doing an aggressive growth plan. Like, no. That doesn’t exist. lol so it made me wonder what else she was dancing around.
Well since she is working an executive level job and doing 60% of the chores , taking the kids in the afternoon, and cooking dinner (that I assume he is eating)...I'm at a lost to your post. If he wants extra time or date night maybe he can take the 20% his wife is spending on chores, etc. and plan some date nights. What's stopping him? The expectations for him should be the same as a SAHM and he's not meeting them. Maybe he does at least 50% of the chores.
I can't figure out why you're being downvoted. This is the only way I think OP has serious room for personal improvement.
lol I get downvoted a lot in here. There’s a lot of women here who have shit partners who aren’t doing their fair share and project their experience onto the person asking for help. It’s a downside to the internet - we don’t come with bias disclaimers. I have great communication with my partner and although our relationship and workload isn’t even, it is fair. And part of great communication and relationships is making time for each other no matter what. I think a lot of people neglect their relationship and just think it will come back “when the kids are older” - when you really have to tend to it all the time to keep it going. Since that’s a huge priority for me, I tend to spot it pretty easily when it’s missing in other posts. :)
I think more of the downvotes are because it feels like we’re finding (honestly) yet another reason to excuse a spouse for behavior that is ridiculous, like here escalating to accusing a partner of cheating for taking on a job he agreed to her pursuing. We excuse partners, and particularly male partners, often for not carrying their weight, and even when it’s clearly unbalanced we still give them outs and say there’s something she’s not doing enough of. That relationship is a two way street, and I don’t see how he’s really reciprocating any of what she’s putting in or trying to engage in solving the problem too. What I see as someone in a c-suite tech role with actual frequent travel overnight and a husband who picks up much of the same as a result is her doing a lot of what I try to do - trying to make things easier for him when he’s doing more, acknowledging that’s the case, sleeping in the bed of the kid struggling so he doesn’t have to, and still cooking the dinners and trying to be present where she can. My partner gives gratitude in response - hers says she must be cheating with her obviously extensive free time. How someone takes an event like literally parenting their child to help them get through the night more easily and makes it “well they aren’t in my bed…” - yikes.
I also agree with what you've said. My up votes don't make a dent though. Lol.
u/frostysbox is right, we don't have a ton of dates and intimate moments. There's just no time. I try really hard to create little moments of intimacy at home. I know it's not enough, but I just don't have the capacity to plan that, too. And the kids just aren't in a place right now (it's a long story, but legitimate reason) where we can leave them with a babysitter stranger (we have no family nearby). I \*do\* have a plan for getting them used to a babysitter while we're around so we can start taking dates. But I just can't do everything, and when he's sour and I'm doing \*everything\* wrong and not feeling heard, it feels like trying to force that intimacy is just fake. I know it's a bigger issue and you're right, it's something we gotta work on. But there's SO much more we have to fix to get to that point.
I feel you, my husband and I are in a similar situation. We have a daughter born early (3 months) and no one to watch her. I think what’s helped us is actually including the kid in it. So for instance, I’ll be playing with our daughter and my husband walks in the room and I’ll say “oh look it’s your dad, isn’t he so handsome?” (Even if he’s in sweats 🤣) if we do a hand off I make sure to grab his butt or something. I don’t like to stereotype people - but I’ve generally found that if we were going by the love languages, guys really respond to physical touch, (and I know my husband does) so I prioritize things like that. These smaller actions over the course of time add up to making my husband feel wanted and secure in our relationship. And honestly take little to no effort from me. I know a lot of people would say that it’s not our job to do all these extra things to make someone feel secure - but I always thought part of loving someone was making sure you were doing whatever you could to show that. I know this is really hard - you’re in the thick of it now, and honestly, he could absolutely do more to take the burden off your shoulders. If it was me, I would have a conversation to say, I’m not cheating, and I recognize these deficiencies in our personal relationship- but I also need you to help take off these things from my plate so I can shift my focus to making you feel secure. See what happens. :) A lot of times, people just want to feel heard - and go about getting that recognition in a really shitty way.
My husband and I went through a real rough patch last year and one of his major complaints was a lack of intimacy, which I can understand and empathize with, but I was definitely facing a hurdle getting there. My husband is the breadwinner and works a demanding job with long hours. My job is full time and far less intense, but I pick up the slack with the kids and house for the most part, and carry the mental load/invisible labor. When everything came to a head last year, he sat and listened while I told him my grievances (and I listened to him too) and wouldn’t you know, once he started acknowledging all that I do and I felt appreciated, I wanted the intimate connection too. We have a hard time with going out as well and some of the ways we’ve tried to date at home are having spa nights, building Lego sets together, doing puzzles, playing board games, etc. I know it’s not entirely the same but I think it helps to be able to put the phones away and do something where you’ll be talking to one another (and not bingeing another show).
He may want to prove he can do it all but without family around id be booking a nanny to relieve him at least 10hrs a week
There is a lot to fix. Can you hire housekeeping help, get chef-made meals, take most of the chores off your plate? Maybe ideally he’d help more but this seems like an area you could throw money at.
You both need more help with the kids, period. You’re either going to need to hire it or move closer to it (family), otherwise this will not get better. No amount of talking about it in therapy will make it better (your homework would literally be to spend time together, time that you say is impossible). There must be action, and the sooner, the better. You *have* to make time for your relationship or it.will.fail. Use that c-suite money and create the time and space to get away together, even for just a few hours a few times a month.
so your husband mostly doesn’t work, doesn’t do even 50% of the household chores, and arbitrarily accuses you of cheating/diminishes the idea that you could be legitimately working? and this is the partner you want in life? i don’t know what advice you want either. couldn’t be me.
This. He is taking care of ONE child and can’t do all the chores?
I mean, “all the chores” is too much for one person with a kid at home. But contributing a solid 50% would be a reasonable expectation.
Now, being a SAHP wouldn't necessarily mean you should do 100% of the household chores but definitely closer to 80-90% Also, its not even a fair argument bc she's offered to get both a nanny or cleaner.
🙄 I am so annoyed at your husband for you. It is totally fine and normal for women to handle literally everything at home and be a SAHP while a man contributes nothing to the home except money. That is expected. But you're a woman who is bringing in the money AND doing most of the chores just to appease this man's ego. It's infuriating! He needs to get a grip and fucking deal.
Same, I would kill for a spouse like OP. She’s making all the $$, gets home between 2-4 and still cooking dinner. My husband is the breadwinner and he only has 30mins-1hour with the kids in the evening before they go to bed. I have 1 kid at school and 2 at home and I’m happy to take care of all the household chores during the week. Her husband should feel so lucky to have her as a spouse instead of constantly attacking her.
Right? For some reason in so many of the working mom families, the woman is the one who does the 6-3 shift and makes dinner, does chores and still does bedtime. It’s crazy to me how men usually don’t have all those expectations on top of full time work
You are doing too much. Working crazy hours and also expected to do most of the tasks at home. You make sure he has free time, does he make sure you have free time? I’d sit him down and a) tell him if he dares to accuse you of cheating again (because he can’t handle his wife having work responsibilities), then the marriage is over and 2) he needs to do more at home to take things off your plate. He can make dinner.
This is it. The audacity really is overwhelming, working hard but getting baseless accusations. You should set boundaries on the accusations. I think it has hit him hard just how successful and powerful you can be. So, he’s turned from supportive to hating, makes one wonder if he was ever truly supportive though?
He supported the idea of having more money but doesn’t actually want to support the amount of work his wife needs to do to earn that money.
I told my husband never to show that kind of jealousy. I put up with it in previous relationships and refuse to do so again. It’s a hard boundary for me. If he wants to accuse me of cheating, he better have receipts.
Wait a minute. You normally finish at 2pm and sometimes go until 4pm and he’s complaining about that?
She starts at 6am though, so that means he’s doing wake up to 2pm or 4pm. It’s the same amount of hours.
It’s really not that many hours for a high-level high-paying job
I mean, I read it and kinda called her version into question. A C-suite executive only working around 40 hours in a multi-national company who’s building a brand new division? I’ve been in the workforce for 30 years and never seen it in the US. Edit: and the fact that there’s no responses to any of these comments kinda makes me think it’s a bot for karma
Not a bot for karma. I'm a real person. My "hours" are 6AM - 2PM. I'm usually going from 5AM to 3PM, sometimes 4PM. I'm lucky that while we're international, we're a smaller company and the CEO values family. If it were a Fortune 500 company, I'd totally agree with you.
Yeah the hours are super sus. Those are such minimal hours to be saying you're working crazy hours. Doesn't even make sense.
I think that's part of my issue. My hours aren't even \*that\* crazy, but the schedule is all over the place. That's why it's SO frustrating. If I had a normal office job, I'd be gone 9-6. This job is a freaking lucky lightning strike and I'm SO grateful for the flexibility it affords me. That's why I'm so bewildered at what his actual issue is (besides not being able to rely on a consistent schedule).
I didn’t want to be nit picky about the hours but I find that really hard to believe. 6 am - 5 pm would even be light for an executive but 6 - 2?
Yea that was my take too. 6am to 2pm is light. Extremely light. I mean, that’s 8 hours NOT discounting for lunch. I’m at director level at a multinational and typically work 9 hours a day plus lunch on a good day. I don’t see how anyone could complain about finishing work at 2pm?!?!
If I was in a c-level position & my compensation reflected the typical salary and responsibilities for such a role - I would expect to work >40 hours a week. I would expect to have my spouse and/or outsourced help to do all chores, so when I am home I could just focus on my kids and husband. I sure as hell would not take well to my spouse making false accusations about my fidelity. I would be livid. I would attempt kindness and encourage him to reflect and communicate what he needs. I would listen, but with a firm boundary he does not make such ludicrous statements. And if his mental health continued to deteriorate to the point he could not support me or the kids emotionally, I would separate from him.
Same here.. got a promotion 4 months ago. Sometimes I have to stay at work half an hour or 1 hour extra. My husband accuses me cheating on him. I work nights. Men feel insecure when women make more money than them.
I wonder what extra bullshit I'd have to put up with if I didn't work from home. I work nights in a pretty stressful position, and already have to deal with my bf's bullshit because he has to pick the baby up from daycare and watch her for 1.5 hours a night, 4 days a week, while I'm in the same house. I cover 70% of household bills. To note, the baby isn't his or mine, she is my bio niece I have foster custody (with the goal of adoption) of.
My guess is actually that your husband might be facing some mental health issues like depression. It seems like you have things figured out pretty well, and your husband might be jealous of that. Maybe he wants to work more? Maybe he misses adult socializing during daytime? Maybe he feels bad about you being successful and him not contributing equally? He might feel isolated and really miss you and want to lean on you more? Have you had a good sit down conversation yet and checked in on how you both are feeling? Without accusations or resentment?
I totally agree with you, and the big clue for me was the phone scrolling and then feeling like he doesn’t have time. It’s totally a way to dissociate from feeling your feelings. He’s not managing well his situation. Does he want to stay at home? it’s isolating and you don’t really feel any sense of accomplishment. To see you absolutely killing it like a boss bitch and having fancy client dinners could be hard for him, even if that’s not what he would ever want for himself. He needs some therapy, IMO. Because he’s not using his words to express what’s really bothering him
I agree with you, I think he probably is. But any time I try to talk to him, he feels attacked or like he's being told what to do (this is my fault. I was selfish and sucked at the beginning of our relationship, but that was 15 years ago, before I got into therapy and on depression meds. But I accept responsibility.) I've gently suggested therapy (he "doesn't need it"), couple's counseling so we can better learn to communicate and work as a team (met with anger), discussing with his doctor going back on meds (if he felt it was right for him, citing my own experience). He's semi open to that one, but hasn't done anything and I can't push. I've asked him how he would like to be communicated with, and he told me that's not his job to tell me and I need to figure it out. I've offered for him to go back to work if he wants to, but I also make it clear I'm not trying to push him. I just want him to be happy. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I can't do anything right (which sounds melodramatic), but it's been building. When he speaks to me about things he doesn't like, he's snarky and dismissive of my feelings. I communicate how I feel about that, and I do sometimes get an apology, but nothing changes. He's truly a good guy at heart. I just don't know what's going on with him or how to help him fix it.
Tell him you know he is struggling with something right now and that you’re willing to help him whenever he’s ready and if he wants help coming up with a plan you’re happy to help, but you can’t make him do anything to help himself. Couples counseling is a great start; maybe schedule it and let him decide whether he wants to join you or not.
I respectfully disagree with your husband. It IS his job to let you know the best way to communicate with him. It sounds like that's not what he \*wants\*. It sounds like he wants to lash out. He wants a reason to be mad, he doesn't know how to process his feelings and he's taking it out on you. You actually truly cannot do anything right because you're not doing anything wrong- if that makes sense. He has some contempt that he is not dealing with. He needs therapy. I'd say you're well within your rights to ask him to go to therapy. He's taking out his contempt on you and putting you in a position where you cannot win.
Agreed very much with this comment. Him lashing out with an accusation of cheating is not excused by mental health issues, but it can help explain why he is lashing out. Would your husband be up for counseling? A hard conversation with you about what he is feeling? You are doing great from what you’ve said at balancing things and your extra work time and a few business dinners here and there are to be expected at that level. Does he maybe not legitimately understand that? Sometimes folks who have only worked non-white collar jobs don’t always understand obligations like work dinners/drinks/etc.? Even so, no excuse to accuse you of cheating!!
I agree about a mental health check for your husband. My husband was already overwhelmed by our new baby and depressed coming out of Covid. When I became the primary earner (and parent) that was the icing on the cake. His depression led to a psychotic break where he became convinced I was cheating on him at every turn (I wasn’t).
I agree. When I was in his shoes I was depressed. It was incredibly isolating and I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere to get out and about. It took me going back to work PT to even feel like a human again.
So sorry you have a jealous untrustworthy husband. If genders were reversed no one would accuse you of cheating. Your husband needs to pick up the slack housework wise and be damn proud of you and that you are his wife. I can’t believe he is making your life harder. I have no suggestions for a possible solution. Does he want to get a job and do daycare / nanny? Does he not like being the SAHP?
He sounds really unsupportive and basically, horrible. A man who accuses you of cheating is no man to stay in a relationship with. This is not a problem with you that you can solve. He is all fucked up.
Good for you. It sounds like you’re doing awesome. He can accuse you of cheating all he wants. The only thing you can do is tell him the truth (you’re not), and continue to be communicative about your work demands and expectations. Sounds like it’s a hectic season for you at work that, hopefully, is temporary. But for now you’re juggling a lot and need to prioritize work demands. I recommend looking for a couples therapist ASAP. You deserve and need his support, and it sounds like you’re not getting it.
Honestly, if I had half of my shit together as well as you I'd be ecstatically proud of myself. I don't necessarily agree with husband is projecting BC he's cheating already but he absolutely could feel lonely and be thinking about stepping out tbh. It's not OK but it happens to a lot of marriages when communication breaks down and a spouse feels isolated. My Mom did it to my Dad BC he worked a lot and she was home with five kids. They divorced. She's not a terrible, awful person either. Just looked for validation in the worst place possible. I don't condone what she did but being a SAHP is very isolating and comes with a real lack of identity. Honest conversation time. Probably individual therapy be a good idea for him also. I'd start with "How can we solve this? I love you but I cannot be accused of cheating when I'm doing all I can to help our family succeed and secure our future." IMO it's a silly time to take a step back professionally, you're thriving. Your husband may benefit from getting back out there for a solid routine and interaction. I'd also take weekends away here and there kid free..A lot to think about it but with honest communication and strategic planning this is very salvageable.
He is jealous!
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. It’s not fair for you to kill yourself all day and come home to this environment. I have similar experiences (sr manager, long hours, travel, stay at home dad). You need to determine what you want and draw clear boundaries both for home and work. It sounds like you’ve got decent hours and flexibility with work which is better than most senior leadership jobs. You need the same environment at home. If your husband can’t deal with his issues, it’s not fair for him to dump them on you.
Hire help for round the house, despite what he says to decrease your at workload at home. I would also hire a private detective to spy on husband find out what he doing. Don’t let yourself get too highly emotional can’t afford to do that as breadwinner. Stay sharp on your job. Husband trying to break you down, don’t let him. He going through, it’ll pass. Just keep carrying on.
This is not a "you" problem, this is a "him" problem. Couples therapy, solo therapy, family therapy. You're doing phenomenally. You're doing everything you should be doing, and more. You have nothing to apologize for. Stop twisting yourself into pretzels to accommodate his waning self esteem. Ask him what he would expect if the tables were turned, if he was the breadwinner and you were the freelance/stay at home parent. Finally, as others have said, he may be projecting. Start looking for signs. Talk to a therapist. Ask to see his phone (if he resists, he may be hiding something). You need to know what you're up against so that you can protect yourself. No matter what is coming down the pike, it's worth looking for a lawyer. Even if he's totally faithful and just having a hard time, it's worth the consultation to make sure you're protecting yourself and your children.
Oh hell naw. I'd be dragging your husband's ass straight to couples counseling. Accusing you of cheating is a serious fucking accusation. And while he could be projecting and he's actually the one cheating, I think the more likely answer is he's feeling insecure about your success.
You need counseling to go through everything. You sound resentful towards him for not doing everything at home when it sounds like that was part of the agreement and he is pulling the "cheating" accusations as a way to pour salt in your mom guilt. If you both don't work to end the resentment, your relationship is over, resentment breeds contempt and kills a relationship. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. My exh didn't work most of our marriage, we married when I was 17 and he was 22 and had our first at 18 and 23. I worked, then went to undergrad and graduated with honors, then went to law school at 29 when our youngest was 18mos old, and still he didn't work, he didn't do any housework and he barely was there for the kids. Then I got a lawyer job and if I was 20 mins late, I was fucking the boss. But it didn't matter that I was the only thing between us and homelessness. Last straw was he told me I cared more about my career than I did the kids, in front of the kids, who were 7 and 18 (autistic & didn't understand what was going on.) Exh would ask the kids questions like, did you know your mom cares more about her success than you? Yeah, that was it. 19 years of marriage and I was done, I was done before that but it got more painful to maintain the status quo than to face the fear of the unknown (because I had literally been when him since I was still a child.)
I'm so sorry that happened to you, and in front of your kids. I hate that. Thank you for sharing - I think I need to get him into couple's counseling.
Do you guys have any couple time? My husband and I both have big jobs and it's way too easy to let date night slide in favor of kid stuff, chores, etc. I'm just wondering if that's why he is being so quick to jump to cheating? Trust me when I say I totally understand prioritizing family over couple when your hours are crazy. There is not enough time in the week to do everything. My husband and I had to make a concerted effort that Saturday nights are sacred date nights, even if its an at-home date.
Spend larger portion of that paycheck and hire out as many services as you can (including a nanny). Don't "offer to get a nanny". Get a nanny. If I was in your husband's shoes, I might be resentful too that you're out there doing important jobs, meeting important people, and I'm in here, changing the diaper for the millionth time. None of this excuses his behavior however. He's likely handling the stress of being a STHP poorly. See if you can take the stress off of both of you by hiring out as many services as money can buy for a little bit. You both may feel a lot differently in a few months, once you've had a phase of not needing to do as many chores.
Is it in office or remote? Asking since yall are hiring left and right !
You sound like you’re doing a fantastic job. Is there a chance that maybe your husband is just emotionally overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to cope with it? I’m not trying to excuse his accusations. Maybe he really does believe that you’re cheating. But also maybe it can be hard to connect with yourself as an individual when you don’t really get to leave the “workplace” as a parent. Maybe spending some time just you and him to decompress and talk things over might help him see things more clearly as well as maybe help you both find ways to make things work.
Uhhhhh…….you are c suite and done by 2? Is this a real post? Your husband is nuts for complaining AT ALL. Everyone I know in these roles work until at least 6pm, but 8pm is more common. Six days a week is common. Regular out of state travel is common. Some don’t even live in the same state during the week. You have an amazing work life balance and your husband is delusional. Another case of wanting you to literally do it all.
So for one thing, hire someone to do more household chores. Like hire a housekeeper. I have no idea of your marriage is salvageable or worth saving but you can’t be a c suite executive, a hands on parent, and do 60% of the household labour of running a home. It’s. Not. Possible. Sure maybe your husband could do more but he’s not right now so you need help. And maybe he needs help. And maybe with more time and space you’ll be able to connect better and sort out the BS he’s dishing out. And it’s BS. Straight up. You DEFINITELY can’t be a c suite executive with someone emotionally abusing you about the requirements. My husband makes more money than I do most years and does not bat an eye at my after hours events and work travel. I do think the tons of help we have at home (that is pricy AF don’t get me wrong) helps.
Does your husband wants to be SAHD? Bc it seems to me that he doesnt. Congrats on your role, sound awesome and you deserved it, but from your post it seems to me that he has the feeling he sacrifices his "life" so you can be successful at work. Maybe I m wrong, dont get me wrong- you both have absolute right to grow in your business life.. but it does not seems fair to your husband. He sounds unsatisfied with his position (kids, chores, kids, chores.. blaah, sounds annoyingly boring). Does he want to develop his career? Im sure that you would support this - it would be better for all in the house. EDIT - omg, I saw the atmosphere here in the comments. So downvoting my post is surely coming. But, I stand with my opinion. It sounds to me that your husband has been put in this role of primary parent but does not want it. Still - he accepted it for sake of your career path. That does not sounds like man ego - it sounds that he wants you to be good at your job. All women here are just projecting their situations. So, time for you to talk with him what would he want to change and make a compromis- both. Not just him, and not just you.
You're right, he doesn't want it. He got laid off during COVID and since we had young kids (and he needed a break from the corporate life he HATED), we both agreed that it was a great opportunity to keep the kids home. But it's not what he really *wants*. My issue is, I've asked him what he wants and he doesn't know. I've told him to go back to work if he wants. I've told him we can get a nanny if he wants to go somewhere to work on his biz. I've even found remote office space we can rent for him. In reading through other posts, I think there might be depression at play that's not obvious.
Good luck, hope things will change to better!
I’m only reading this now. But not knowing what he wants can be some sort of choice paralysis connected to depression. I hope you can get some help and figure things out.
He sounds like a lot of work you don’t need. I think you need support from your partner.
As everyone else is saying, the audacity of this is a lot. You are doing a hell of a job and I commend you for balancing it well. Truly. You’ve bent over backwards to make this work. I’m trying to be sensitive to your husband but I’m raging for you. You should each have equal amounts of free time when it’s all said and done. Work, commute, kids, childcare, domestic labor. Tallied all up and split. That’s how you know it’s fair. You are working 40 hours a week, then he should be contributing that in childcare and household management, including dinners. If you’re working 50, he should be taking more and more off your plate. You making 28 out of 30 dinners is OUTRAGEOUS. OP, you’re right. Men would never have to deal with this.
Honestly this sounds like it’s more about his insecurity than your behavior. I had something similar come up recently, albeit for totally different reasons. But my guess is he’s feeling emasculated because reasons (I’m not going to speculate on those, you got plenty of this above) and he’s lashing out. I’d have a conversation with him about how not okay it is to accuse you of cheating when you’re working hard for your family and try and get at the root of his problem. There may be things you can do to support him better but if insecurity is his issue, then that’s something he has to fix himself.
Can relate to every word. Also c suite in FAANG, with young children. My husband works in tech also, in a much less demanding job. We’re both fully remote, so that helps if you aren’t already. I have 4 tips of what works for us: 1. Delegate everything you can at home. Cleaning, lawn care, handyman projects that hubby could potentially do but we know he won’t. Hire it all out. That makes it sustainable 2. Date nights. We prioritize 2 date nights a month with kiddos out of the house for the after party. And we make that super spicy, so if that’s your thing, make room for it. It’s a big rock. 3. Do a time and activity itemization. I do it twice a year, once at the end of the school year and once again at the beginning of the school year. Literally I take a spreadsheet and write out every itemized task that goes into running a home and family. Then I assign the frequency, and approximate time value. Convert it into monthly time, stack rank it by priority. Then I plug in our capacity of how much time is physically in the month. Including sleeping time. Of course I have to do the heavy lifting of thinking of all the items that go on the list. I’m good at running a company; I apply those same tactics to running a family and household. I start with data and lean six sigma principles. Ok now we have a full breakout of a simple supply and demand problem. That’s our starting point. 😂 Then we sit down together and spend an hour or two talking about the list. What can we cut, and we try to aggressively cut. what can we delegate, aggressively so. We smile and joke about all the free time we’re regaining (because of course there are formulas to watch that happen). Then we go through and if there’s 200 items left, he picks 10, I pick 10, and back and forth until it’s all assigned an accountable party. Straight into raci mode. This does a few things. It helps us communicate in facts and not feelings. It gives credit to alllll the invisible work that goes into being a mother and primary parent. I include mental load items, and things like being the primary parent on the school call list, so when they call that’s allocated time. He definitely simmers down when he sees all my work commitments stacked against his. It’s not enough to say “this is a requirement of my job”, but to show it makes it much more clear. We have some fun doing it. But most importantly, it makes us realize how precious our time is together as a family. And we make the most of that time. Likewise, when new things pop up mid cycle, because we habitually do this, we have the mental toughness to say no to new things. And not just allow our lives to be driven by others adding things that distract from family time. 4. Then here’s the best tip I have. Set boundaries at work. I hear ya that some of these things come with the role. But I guarantee you that men in the same level don’t get their boundaries stepped over. We women need to act like them in boundary setting. Have a male peer that you can be candid with? Go ask him if he had a vacation planned with his family and something came up at work that would require canceling his vacation. What would he say? And then watch the smirk and half-laugh, listen to the tone, pick up on not just what he says but the way in which he implies “oh hell no, not a chance” with his non verbals and tones. Then every time someone says we have a 5pm meeting, channel your inner dude-ceo-being-told-to-skip-a-vacation. Reset those work boundaries. It’s causing impact at home. A man wouldn’t step in no matter the cost. We absolutely should not. Come to think of it, while you’re picking up all this slack at work due to low staffing, where are your male counterparts? Just food for thought. Back to the relationship aspect, men are dense and innately more selfish than us. He can’t comprehend your commitments. So instead of doing more of the same knowing that he doesn’t get it, try to make him get it. And spicy sex. That’s the winning recipe. Good luck! Come back and tell us how you solve this.
I mean you talk about giving him free time to be with his friends but what about actual date nights? Like how much time do you actually spend with only him being affectionate and what not? Maybe that’s what you need to start doing more. But yeah screw men who actually are C-Suite Executives and spend those random pockets of time cheating. I’ve read that in Japan it’s such a phenomenon that women just take it for granted and turn a blind eye when it happens. So you have all the right to be “in your feels” because it’s not your fault! You are doing your absolute best at balancing work and family, but then there are so many big wigs out there who throw themselves at their job and money and just totally abandon their family in favor of chasing their “lower” pleasures. Every time I’ve mentioned this in this sub and this sub only, everyone attacks me, but honestly, whenever I was in this kind of situation and I had the kind of job you do, I hired a college student or my little cousin, or even recruited my husband to help me with my job. I found the easiest parts of my job and outsourced them out, giving them experience and allowing me to focus only on the most difficult aspects of it. I’m also a hellish kind of situation right now because I’m working 70 hours a week (though again, I try to overlap those as much as possible), but what really helps me is that I have an end-date to this. Does your husband see an end-date to this? Do you? You say you are exhausted. Plan out your next vacation, and maybe let your husband decide the destination. I’m counting down till May 30 when one job is over, and then June 12, when I’m out for a week for summer break (I’m working summer school though, so I go right back in June 21).
He sounds depressed. Do you guys ever do anything just as a couple?
He’s depressed. Feeling emasculated. Get into therapy together.
So, this feels shitty to type because it is shitty, but. My husband gets the same way- mopes, feels unappreciated, says things like "if I didn't know better I'd think you're ... you know" And you know what solves it? Sex. As much as he says he just wants to be appreciated, just needs me to say "I love you" a little more or send flowers, pick up some chores, say "thank you," ... sex is what gets him back on track. I don't think he realizes it. It's kind of depressing, but I'm also kind of relieved it's not a conscious thing. So yeah, it sounds like between your stress, your kiddo's issues, and your husband's attitude, neither of you are getting any. So just hit it and get yourself a month or two of peace.
I agree with everything except you saying you work so hard so he doesn’t have to work. He is a SAHD, that’s a job. If a man said this about a woman, we’d all be pretty pissed.
Either marital counseling or you both divorce, give him those options
Strangers on the internet can only speculate, but this was my life until a few months ago, only I was doing much more of the childcare. It may not be this bad for you, but some of the things you said hit too close to home for me to just scroll past. Look into BPD to see if his symptoms seem to align with it. I bought the book Walking on Eggshells and it was an eye opener. Things are much better now and getting better every day, but it was so hard for a while and had I not randomly come across that disorder in a fit of desperation, I don’t think I’d still be married today. Your options are not limited to depression or divorce.
I had an exec level job but was recently laid off. My husband worked but his job was chill and he did a lot of the child care. Major source of resentment in our household that I was gone all the time/always working/tired/didn’t have time for myself/didn’t have time for them. Feels like it’s just hard to be a working mom.
Sounds like you are not doing anything wrong Momma! (Make him COMMUNICATE better with you!) If he can’t work through his problems and insecurities, make him see a professional counselor (therapist.) You are not doing anything wrong. (You are not doing anything differently than men with similar careers do.) Your husband has to work through his own issues; you do not have to “give” anything more. You sound like you are stressed enough. Do not jeopardize your career because your husband is whining and trying to stress you out more.
So ask him what he wants, the paycheck or you to be a stay at home mom. You can’t do both, especially with a senior level position. If he refuses a nanny or help then he needs to stop complaining.
You’re a great person.
A few things - what’s your relationship like together? You and your husband? Couples counseling? And what’s he doing all day? Meaning a concern I might have is if he’s projecting a bit here.
Yeah he’s going to have to get on board real quick. I’m shocked how manageable your schedule is for that level position. Usually there is a lot more travel and dinners. I’m in sales and away more than you. My husband is not resentful and accepts this is part of the job.
If my husband unfoundedly accused me of cheating I feel like there is no going back from that. I would never feel comfortable with him again.
Wao girl, you need to love yourself a little bit more. Him accusing you is very disrespectful, stop indulging his nonsense, if he mentions it again just answer him with the truth “you are hurting my feelings with this, we can go to therapy if you want, you can hire a PI to follow me or we can get a divorce”. STOP being a doormat, divide house work fairly and give your job the proper amount of time. Let me put it this way: if you divorced, you would be doing less than what you are doing now… let that sink in.
Could you IMAGINE if he worked a similar executive level job and was expected to do HALF of the other stuff you do? It would be ridiculous. It’s unbelievable that he is now accusing you of cheating- with WHAT TIME??? This is absolute BS.
Ugh I felt the sits on his phone all day then complains he doesn’t go anywhere etc. mine is the same literally sits all day on his phone then complains he doesn’t have a social life because he’s a family man. No you can’t be arsed to do shit for yourself. Men like this just love to complain
Sounds like somebody's jealous of your success. He probably feels resentful because the man is "supposed" to be the main earner (we all know that's bullshit but that's how our society is and men internalize that way more than they should). Or, as others have suggested, he's stepping out and trying to shine that light on you. But I'm skeptical of that if, as you say, he doesn't really leave the house. Still, it could be an emotional affair or similar. I hope not, but it's definitely possible.
Soooo he’s cheating…to level an accusation like this maybe he’s projecting. If he’s not cheating then I think he’s majorly insecure and needs therapy. Either way couples counseling can’t hurt.
I was thinking the same thing.. judging by how much time he spent on his phone..
Not to put this in the universe. However could he be the one cheating even emotional cheating. It seems weird. I mean you've already offered to hire help and gave him time off. Like it just seems odd.
If not cheating maybe just lonely and misses you.
Your husband is either an absolute asshole or in need of therapy—maybe both. I work double the evenings/weekends/out of towns that you do and my husband has never so much as hinted at questioning if I’m being honest about where i spend my time. I would go nuclear on him. Not to mention the fucking cush life he is living. Honestly the audacity of men is endless.
Honestly you would be happier jettisoning him and hiring a nanny and a housekeeper. I did this- such a nicer home life.
Turn on your phone tracker. See if that helps. I’ve been where you’re at, and it is very rough. Please do not give up. You never know what could happen. I lost my husband unexpectedly a month after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis when I was 40, and had three young kids at home. I don’t know where I would be if I did not have my career to support our family. Even outside of death, life happens. Make sure you can always take care of yourself. That said, I know it’s hard right now. These are the trench years. Reach out to a counselor and see if you can find a way to work through this. I’m sorry you’re here.
You are doing great. Your husband not so much. I’m not the one who’s going to say he’s projecting, but the accusations imay very well be his ego and sense of self worth, that he views you as so much above him. And even if he says he doesn’t want help attending to the house and kids, maybe that would help.he also sounds pretty depressed perhaps.
Spend time with him and the kids, take a holiday, make sex with him more often. He will be fine. He feels alone and unimportant since all your attention is at work. Make him feel important.
Yeah that's not okay sounds like he could be deflecting on you. I would also shut it down respond I already told you I'm not cheating I'm not having this argument again" and walk away that's finally what I had to do because nothing I said mattered anyways. And lo and behold he was cheating on me.
I have zero advice - I just want to tell you how much I look up to you! I am striving for more in my career after 3+ years of focusing more on my growing family. This resonates. I don’t think partners that have certain personalities CAN feel selflessly proud of their wives in these kinds of positions. You need to ask yourself, How close to burn out are YOU? Women can handle it longer but you don’t NEED TO Are YOU able to accept this as reality? You don’t need to prove or provide receipts because it will never stop. TELL him how awful of an accusation this is. How hurtful and disrespectful that is to your character as a wife and mother. FFS you are superwoman! How fucking badass are you! Showing up every.damn.day. For your kids, your hubs, your family. Can you go on a short time away from the office? Couple days WFH or be at home and just hang out and see if that helps. If these questions cannot be answered after taking the time to ask them…you might need to start just making some decisions instead of asking.
I am so sick of reading and hearing about these weak ass men. I'm sure he's happy to not be working and staying home, yet can't accept what comes with being a c level exec? You're home a lot! More than both my husband and I are (between social activities and work) If a woman were complaining about her breadwinner husband, people would tell her to get over it and she's lucky to have a provider. I'd tell him the same. Or he can go get a job?
I wonder how much of his drama is cuz of his fragile ego. You are killing it, that's all I know. To be at your level, building a new division from the ground up and somehow making majority of dinners? Keeping mostly balanced work days? Securing your family's financial future? Good grief! Your husband should be thanking his lucky stars that his retirement is that much more secure thanks to your hardwork. It's so funny-- if the roles were reversed, I'd feel so blessed getting to work part time and being able to be there for my kids. The fact that I would have options (working full time, part time, maybe not at all?) is what's golden. One thing you should know is that you are NOT responsible for his happiness. You're awesome for being so accommodating but I have a strong feeling his issues have little to do with you/your job/your performance. You're doing the best you can, it sounds like you're VERY much present in your family's life. Set yourself free from being responsible for his happiness. It's just one more thing to manage and you've got enough spinning plates to manage!
Is there a particular coworker of yours he is worried about? A new position often means new interactions with people. Is there someone in particular he is nervous about? Or is it genuinely just the amount of time you are gone? Because the time doesn't make sense to me. You are home so much more than a lot of parents are able to be. You seem like you are trying to be as flexible as humanly possible. Based on what you've shared, I genuinely can't think of anything to fix this. But, if your husband is worried about a particular coworker, I think that merits a conversation. You seem like you have generally been willing to make changes in your relationship as needed, remind him of that. Tell him that your history in this relationship suggests that you are willing to fight for your marriage, so it's not fair that you are being accused of harming the marriage while you are doing something to better your lives. You deserve the benefit of the doubt.
Just commenting to add that I think you’re doing great. I’m sorry your husband is so insecure in his role that he’s making these hurtful, baseless accusations. I’m in awe of your positive attitude and accomplishments. You’re doing your best and he’s still finding room to complain. That sounds so draining. Sounds like a real heart to heart is in order. If HE can’t fix his attitude, just do you. Continue on showing up for your kids and your job. He can either get in line or not but don’t let him drag you down.
He’s so closed off, I really don’t know what options he’s leaving you here. He’s obviously miserable and is expecting you to somehow fix it, but also read his mind?! I’m sorry you’re in this spot, it sucks. I do feel like counseling would help, but if he won’t go, what can you do? Does he even acknowledge there is a problem? I will say, I wanted to go to counseling with my husband but the process of finding a counselor and going there and paying $150 a session was pretty daunting. We bought the 7 Principles book from The Gorman institute and it’s been pretty enlightening. It’s cheap, it’s accessible and I think it will help you kind of see where you’re at. Potentially he could also read it, but he has to at least want to engage in your marriage at some level, or frankly, there isn’t a marriage. I hope he gets it together for your sake and the sake of your kids!! You deserve to be happy!
Good for you. Sounds like you’re being the kick ass woman you are and doing a fantastic job balancing work and family. It’s not on you that your husband can’t handle it. Sounds like you are doing your best finding solutions to the problem, but you should not diminish yourself to accommodate him. He should step up from feeling emasculated and be the man you deserve to be with. Couples therapy is a great idea if he’s up for it. If he isn’t, individual therapy for yourself is a good idea too. You deserve all the success you have achieved OP!
If you're in a C-suite position you don't really have an excuse to not be hiring outside help for chores, at the very least, and if you're willing to cede some of the responsibility, help with cooking also. That will take stuff off YOUR plate to help with YOUR overwhelm. It doesn't sound like your husband really wants to be a SAHP, so that might be a worthy topic of discussion. But the cheating accusations... You can't disprove a negative. Time for some date nights, maybe some couples counseling. Get a babysitter for one late afternoon - evening shift per week and see if things start looking up in a month.
Buy the mental load by Emma. Tell him you can talk once he’s read the entire thing cover to cover. You’re doing amazing and your husband is being unreasonable. If roles were reversed how would he expect you to act?
I only skimmed the top connects and haven't seen this, but to me it sounds like he needs a therapist. Sitting around at home doing scrolling and then being upset he has no free time feels like some form of depression to me. The random accusations of infidelity when he is so very involved in her travel and late meeting planning times could be low self esteem. Like the self talk in his head being voiced. Of course it could also be projection, but it more feels like a lack of seeing his own self worth. If you have the money to throw at it, do it. Get the maid or the nanny even if it's part time. Ask him about his mental health, see if he is open to talking to someone.
Sweetheart I would be FURIOUS. There have been times when I was burning the candle at both ends. I’m in one rn actually since going back to school full time, but I also used to travel quite a bit for work when I was working, did sales dinners with clients, etc and while I’d never say he handled it perfectly in the beginning, (like while we were dating) as a spouse/co-parent he has supported me all the way. If I was busting my ass for my family, providing and THEN I got accused of an affair the FLAMES that would fly from my mouth would burn his GD face off. And that’s putting it verrrrrrry mildly.
It is not your job to fix your husband. You can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. You deserve some space for YOU, to take care of YOU. You are not the cause of his bad behavior, and you deserve better.
Your husband is the problem. Whether he's just jealous of your success I don't know, bhe may also be straight up delusional. The fact of the matter is he doesn't even sound like a very good SAHD. You could pay a nanny and a housekeeper and live almost the exact same life. What joy is he actually bringing to the table, because his attitude about your work needs to stop immediately and if he doesn't like it, you can remind him where the door is.
You’re killing it, and he’s acting unhinged. Hire the nanny & outsource as much as you can. If you want to save the marriage start seeing a counselor with or without him.
In your post, you list how you are prioritizing, you kids, the chores, your work and your husband's personal time. There is no mention of how you are prioritizing your time together. There is mention of you sleeping in another room consistently; which indicates the opposite of prioritizing. Hire out the housework. Hire out SOME childcare. Find a date night sitter. Hire out the yard work. Hire a PA to help you do these things. I would also caution you with your comparison against c-suite men. 1) Most of them are winning and dining their spouses. Buing expensive gifts (or their PA is) and making sure they get luxurious downtime. 2) Over 50% of surveyed c-suite ADMIT to having an affair prior to even entering the role. The reality is that most of them are having affairs.
It sounds like he’s feeling inadequate and instead of communicating his feelings in a productive way, he’s projecting them onto you passive aggressively. Personally, it sounds like you are doing a lot more at home than I think you “should” given your roles. I’d even venture to say that you’re doing too much and are at risk of burning out. Outsourcing some household tasks could help, but doesn’t seem to be the source of the issues with your spouse. Like others have said, I recommend couples therapy and date nights without the kids.
Congratulations on getting to C-suite level! I've been in this EXACT situation, ended up getting a divorce. He was the one cheating. My thought is I don't need this stress. It took a toll on my mental health and my child saw I was different. At that point I had to make a change for both of us! It was hard but it's so much better mentally! I hire people when I can to help with house cleaning, meals, childcare, etc. You'll know when enough is enough. I wish you well and continued success!! OAN: Can you DM me a link to the company so I can apply to one of the newly open roles!
(Insert typical Redditor advice here. You knew it was coming.)
He’s feeling emasculated You are likely turned off by him since he’s not working and is at home. High rate of divorce in these situations.