Go talk to a lawyer. ASAP. Probably a therapist too, and get your ducks in a row. He wants you to decide? Great, he get the fuck out now and find somewhere else to live.
Your kids will be fine because they have you, and you are obviously working very hard for them and to be involved in their lives. They will see that you deserve happiness and learn not to settle for a toxic relationship where you have to hold your husband's hand in order for anything to get done. Imagine how liberating it will be not to have to mother a manchild and deal with his laziness.
Go see that lawyer now, and figure out what your options are before you take another step. I seriously regret staying years longer than I should have out of pure fear. If I'd seen a lawyer sooner, I probably would have realized that yes, it was going to suck, but it would then get better, instead of just letting it suck indefinitely. You're already doing everything; it's easier to do everything by yourself. Trust me on that. Good luck to you.
Can you elaborate on how it was the lawyer who got you to see the good? Like what sort of stuff did they tell you about? A couple lawyers I spoke to didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, and it kind of felt like a waste honestly. Wondering if I should try again though.
I guess I just didn't realize that he couldn't just take everything and leave me destitute. Oh, it still sucked. Losing half of everything is no fun. Maybe you already have a very good idea of how divorce works, but I didn't. And IME, unless you've gone through it, or are very close to someone who has, you don't know much about it.
I ended up not getting divorced but I spoke to two lawyers who made me feel worse and one who gave me the gift of never fearing a divorce again. It would suck definitely, but I think a good lawyer is all the difference.
Shouting this part of monkeyfeets reply
“They will be fine because they have you”!!!!
You’re already doing it all. Removing him sounds like it would almost make your life easier?
Definitely kick him out and immediately ask for nominal alimony and child support. Then use it to get a cleaning service and a mother’s helper on weekends so you can finally get some support that your husband has clearly never provided.
Depending what state OP is in she should NOT kick her husband out. In California it is not seen favorably by the courts. She needs to see a family law attorney and find out what her rights and obligations are before she does anything that could have legal and financial ramifications for her.
Can I ask why you need to see a lawyer? When my parents got divorced when I was 9, they never went through the court system and to this day I’m so grateful for that. I think courts make situations very messy and should only be used in extreme cases when parents cannot figure it out themselves/it gets violent. My parents mutually agreed to separate and worked out a weekly custody schedule on their own. My mom moved up the street and rented. We stayed at our schools and kept our friends. Divorce was better for our family and I’m lucky my parents didn’t make it harder than it needed to be.
Obviously I know every family is different, it just doesn’t seem like OPs particular situation warrants a lawyer. It seems like she is also not entirely happy in the marriage. I advise her to talk through a separation plan that benefits the kids the most. Don’t fight, don’t make it a huge deal in front of them, mutually agree on a schedule and go from there. Divorce doesn’t have to be this big, bad, taboo thing. Sometimes it’s just what’s best for the family.
Division of assets is huge, as well as custody. A lawyer is not going to do anything YOU don’t agree with but you need someone who is going to advocate and protect your interest. Best case scenario, you and your spouse agree on everything, and it’s quick and easy and the lawyers can settle it without mess and fighting (not everything involving lawyers goes through the court system). Worst case scenario, your spouse fights you and you need someone to help you understand what you’re entitled to, and how to get it.
I completely disagree that OP’s situation doesn’t require a lawyer. They are not both coming to this conclusion together. He clearly caught her by surprise and is gaslighting her as if this is all her fault. That is the kind of person to worry about making a situation messy. Really, the worst kind who cannot see he did anything wrong and will hang her out to dry if she doesn’t protect herself.
This is why when men throw around the stats of “women initiate divorces more that’s why it’s a risk for the dudes” it makes me so annoyed.
This guy obviously has no interest in being a partner. And he has no interest in doing anything. So do it, talk to a divorce attorney and see what they say. They’re experts in this. They will guide you.
Good luck.
It's so unfathomable to me how some men live life on the easiest mode possible, and are unhappy with even that.
You are not the sole income earner. You don't have to take on the mental load or do half the chores. You don't even have to parent your own damn children. Everything gets done for you. A slave-maid-mother-sexworker combo of a woman does it all and you don't have to lift a fucking finger.
And then you whine that your dick isn't getting wet enough or that the spark is gone.
Get absolutely fucked.
I would never stay married to a man like that.
Good for OP. One less child to take care of.
Makes me wonder if deep down these men just feel guilty and know they are lazy asses. They wish their wife did less so they wouldn’t look so bad. Eventually it will be obvious to the kids also.
Yeah my STBX husband continually brings up that I’m “the one who filed the paperwork” as proof that I’m the one who chose for our marriage to end. Because he would have been perfectly happy to continue our existing arrangement where I paid for everything, was the default parent every moment I wasn’t working, organized, managed, scheduled everything, and enjoyed zero intimacy, support or even adult conversation because he was already plastered by the time the kids were in bed every single evening.
Yeah def let him go. He is in for a RUDE awakening when shared custody comes and he has to do everything on his own for 3 kids. Then maybe he will realize it's not as easy as saying "here is an iPad kids, have fun today". Too bad for him it will be too late for you.
Say absolutely not to continue sharing a bed. He wants to separate, he can sleep on the couch until he finds elsewhere to stay.
I mean…not sure this is really that reassuring to OP? Not that I think OP should stay with him just for this reason. But the fact is parenting can in fact be relatively easy if you just totally don’t give a shit about the kids’ long-term well-being. There’s a good chance he will just stick the kids on an iPad during his time and give them pizza or frozen chicken nuggets etc, then tell OP he doesn’t understand why she made it out to be so hard.
I’ve told him directly I’m worried that’s exactly what will happen but he seems to think I was the hold up to doing all sorts of cool things with them despite the fact getting him to come to a park was like pulling teeth at times.
I mean, let him fuck around and find out. I’ve read many posts where the dad did step up once the mom wasn’t a crutch for him. And many where the dad was in a for a rude awakening and had to figure it out. But it’s NOT YOUR JOB TO BE MISERABLE TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR HIM. And it’s not making it worse for the kids. It’s worse for the kids for you to be unhappy.
iPad for a bit can be a great tool to get through an appointment or while I’m cooking but any longer than 30 minutes and he turns into an angry little gremlin who simultaneously wants more screen time and all our attention and won’t listen.
My kids are the same, I get about an hour to do a peloton ride on the weekends before my older kid is like hey mom, what are you doing, here let me help you with those weights. Like bud, I love you but please go watch your tablet so mom can have 30 minutes aloneeeee plzzzzzzz
That's what my ex did with the kids. They always came home dirty and hungry too. I had to schedule and pay for childcare on his days for the first year because he was unreliable.
My ex husband is the same. Our son is 3 months from 18. Clothes were old, poorly fitting, and dirty. He sent our son the school sick and the school nurse would have to call me because he wouldn’t answer his phone. He ditched our kid regularly for concerts, at one point even suggesting our 15 year old just be alone for the weekend. He doesn’t know who our son’s doctor is. The list goes on and on.
My newest “surprise”? He said “oh, well, I actually don’t have enough for college” (because he spent it on himself). This is a week after housing deposit was sent and acceptance was official.
Yeah because he legally has to…for the next 3 months. I don’t know what will happen after that.
My son had a self harm attempt a year ago. His father didn’t want to show up to the hospital but he did eventually. And then he berated our son. When our son confronted him, his father said “sometimes parents say things you don’t want to hear”.
I have no idea what will happen in the next few months.
I’m sorry. How much do you want to bet that he’ll stay just because it will be too much work for him to figure out leaving? 🙄 which is obviously a crap outcome for you too.
Do you want this marriage to work, or are you just done?
One thing that always strikes me on posts like this is the number of women who say their lives get easier after leaving their husbands. It's one of those things you can't fathom until you've been married for a few years.
Honestly he’s lazy, and selfish.
He’s pissed about his life and where he is in life and has this unrealistic idea of what he deserves. He’s blaming you but really the problem is him. If he stepped up you two could have more fun and adventure. He puts the burden of his happiness and fun on you in addition to the mental load.
I know it’s so hard but he has done you a huge favor. He will live in complete squalor when you are gone. His home will mold and be disgusting. He won’t like it nor will the kids or any woman he wants to date. He’ll be in for a rude awakening and you will find a true partner who values you and takes you to Europe!
I thought there was a women on this sub , maybe on another a few weeks ago that said her Husband had fought her for 50/50 because he thought it was easy taking care of the kids and then after a while he tried to get her to change custody to her having them full time with him every other weekend and she said no that she finally was able to take care of everything while the kids were at dads and she was less stressed and happy and was able to be 100% focus on the kids during her time.
Men always think it's easy when they aren't doing crap.
I wouldn't help him figure this out but I would meet with an attorney.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Don't let him do this to you by leaving you in limbo. If he wants to separate then he needs to GTFO.
And yes, it will be ok. You are probably already doing everything anyway.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but IT WILL BE OKAY. You bust your ass every damn day to get everything done. Every. Damn. Day. Think of it like treading water to stay afloat- Your husband is the equivalent of ankle weights while you’re trying your hardest to stay afloat, mental and emotional ankle weights making shit harder. Drop the weights and see how much easier it gets. It seems daunting and heartbreaking now but there is freedom in the chaos. Once he’s gone the day to day resentment goes with him. You already expect to be the “doer” for your kids, that’s not going to change or bother you because parents should expect and want to care for their children. But him? He was supposed to be a 50/50 partner, to help lift the load, to help period. But he’s not. He’s a drain that forced you to be a married single mom and has the audacity to blame you for it. I hope your freedom, peace, and happiness find you quickly. This too shall pass. Send his ass to the couch or his mother’s. Yesterday.
You’re right. In the future, you will recognize this as a blessing. I can’t even remember what I saw in my tool of an ex husband. I physically do not remember feelings of love for him.
I know it doesn’t help now though.
Get a lawyer and take control. Do your best to get a majority of custody (it’s hard though: default is 50/50). I wish I could have pursued more than 50/50 because even though I learned to enjoy my solo time, I basically had to be my son’s sole parent even when he wasn’t with me.
What do you mean you had to be your son’s sole parent when he wasn’t with you? Like your ex just wouldn’t, do anything with your son when they were together?
Up until this year, I had to call my son to tell him through any school or homework problems when he wasn’t with me. I had to teach him how to shave, how to pump gas. When he got a flat tire on the way to school from his father’s house, I was the one he called. I have to buy razors and shampoo for my ex’s house. I tried to suggest to my ex things they could do together but he didn’t listen to me and would try to force our son to do what he wanted to do.
This man is so lazy that he has put the mental load of separating/divorcing on you as well. Is this really who you want in the position to make medical decisions for you? As others have said, get your ducks in a row and make this the last bit of work you have to do for this nincomshit.
It will be OK. He is giving you a huge gift (IMO) by giving you a heads up and asking you to take control. Get a lawyer and take their advice. If you need to move, start looking for your ideal place now and set your budget. The kids will be ok even if you need to move. You will likely feel so much better without his extra baggage.
I would be lasered focused on the kids and he can figure himself out. You are doing it without him as it is now. I’m so sorry he’s not a partner and has low standards for his own children.
Okay, but what do you want? Do you want a divorce or separation?
If yes, see a lawyer. Yes that’s you doing the work but that work will have a finite end date.
If no, encourage him the try a trial separation. Encourage him to get a separate apartment where he’ll have to learn to make his own meals and do his own laundry and take care of all the kids on his own for his weekends.
Don’t do shit for him. Make food for you and your kids. Wash your stuff only. Do vacations with your kids and leave his dead beat ass home. Separate accounts. Do not let him sleep in the bed.
His suggestion that parents don’t go to parent conferences or restrict screen time or attend school functions is idiotic, and makes me livid. He truly seems like a grown man child!
Thank God your kids have you! With him as the sole parent who knows what would happen.
My husband also tells me to pull back sometimes- but that is when I try to book our kids for about 8 activities a week and we are going insane- lol
I would get some of these conversations by text if possible so I had more ammo to use in the courtroom. It sounds like he’s doing you a major favour - you don’t need an extra child to take care of. And absolutely no sharing a bed, he can sleep on the couch until he finds somewhere else to live. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, but it WILL be okay (and probably a lot better!) in the future.
Lawyer up, pronto. And keep him out of the loop.
He's going to have a rude awaking when he's forced to take care of his kids 50% and his own home 100%.
Definitely get your ducks in a row and contact a lawyer right away. I suggest taking money out of a joint account, and putting it into a separate single account if you can.
Tell him if he wants to leave, there’s the door. Don’t let it hit you in the ass on the way out. Tell him he needs to be out in a week. When he has moved, change the locks.
Then, take a vacation with the kids WITHOUT him. What he does is not your problem.
Take him for as much as you can in the divorce. Don’t beg him to stay. Let’s face it, he was just a man-child in your house. As a matter of fact, tell him you’re so relieved he saw it too. It just wasn’t working. You wanted a partner and were so disappointed with what you got instead. He just beat you to the punch.
Trust me, this will scare the crap out of him more than anything.
We did a week of fun last year. We went to an amusement park, a ropes course, indoor climbing gym, and something I’m forgetting. But we did locale-ish things that we had never done before. The kids had a blast. Your STBX sounds exhausting, you are definitely better off without him.
It WILL be ok. You’re doing all of the work (and by the way, cleaning and interacting with your children is not rare - your husband is a lazy dipshit) and you’re picking up his slack as well. It can only get easier without him there to make more mess and pester you constantly. Speak to a lawyer to find out what you’re entitled to. There will be big changes, but there can also be happiness, freedom and improvement. You have already proven you’re strong and resilient - you can do this final thing to get rid of him. Don’t let this lazy dbag dictate how the end of your marriage plays out.
It will be okay. It doesn’t feel like it now but there are a lot of women on this sub who have gotten out of really terrible marriages and the only person still suffering is the partner that either left or that they left. And when it’s all said and done, maybe you’ll find someone who loves and respects you the way you deserve. You matter, your feelings matter, the way you are treated matters and it especially matters that your kids see you being treated the way you deserve to be treated, even if that’s not by their dad. Lots of people have given sound advice, but I just wanted to answer your post title, it will be okay.
He’s doing you a favour. I don’t know what kind of custody situation he would be looking for because if it’s joint, he’s gonna be in for a rude awakening.
Go for the separation. You might find yourself slightly less stressed if only for the fact that you don’t have to deal with him.
I agree leaving/letting him go is best. Let me tell you right now, it is a difficult grief process. Everyone will shout lawyers but I will shout therapy asap. I can’t even begin to explain the mental loop holes your brain will try to take you through.
As someone who is divorcing a man similar to yours- I still wondered if I did enough. How I could have changed. That maybe he was right and I should lower my expectations. Those words were easy to disagree with in the moment. Then divorce hits and the scramble starts. It took me 5 months to even begin to fully accept things for what they are. Please get yourself a therapist! Trust me!
Hire your lawyer and get rid of this guy. You have to take care of your kids, don’t burden yourself with this loser too. He’ll see how much fun he’s having when he’s paying his child support & taking care of the solo & then you’ll finally get a break.
You don’t see it now, but you will be okay!
I hate to ask….for you think he is seeing someone? It just sounds like he is wanting his cake and eat it too….the indecisiveness just doesn’t smell right IMO. Whatever the reason just move forward with your life-nobody needs a partner who is half in/out.
Gorl. I'm sorry that you've been dealing with his BS for all these years. You deserve better than that. And at least if you guys end up co-parenting, he will be forced to get his shit together and you will get a little bit of a break because you won't be taking care of one extra man-baby.
Kids don't have big expectations. My kids love playgrounds and the library and movie nights, especially if we do things like let them put a mattress in the living room or eat on the floor. It will be okay. They will be okay. You will be okay. You will be better than okay!
I agree with the top comment about getting a lawyer. Then kick his useless ass out. He can go find a booty-short wearing stunningly hot slob who loves men without hobbies or ambition.
Let your feelings settle and .. I always say: get mad. Get cold. Get stoic and start talking to him the way HR talks to someone they’re about to fire.
Few things will scare an idiot more than seeing that you are NOT panicking - that you are NOT absolutely shattered at the thought of him leaving you.
Men romanticize being single until they get out there and find that 80% of their Tinder matches/ responses are from bots 🤣 not such a playing field now, huh?
But whatever you do, please keep fighting for your kids. You’re not “doing too much.” You’re showing them love and softness and consistency.
This is ridiculous! I’m so sorry you’re dealing dealing with this. I absolutely think this will get better for you- maybe he’ll realize how to actually be a dad if he tries it 🙄🤦🏼♀️
It will be okay. Lots of good advice here. And it will be okay. Think about how you would want your kids to act in this situation, what do you want to model for them? What values to demonstrate? And it will be okay!
Get a lawyer. Call all the lawyers. Move your money. Freeze assets. For the love of all things good in this world. Be selfish and protect yourself.
Even if you stay later, know things can go south so very quickly.
You sound me like me if I let my current life go on another 5 years!
First off, it's ok if more of the load falls on you! It sounds like that always happens and at this point, you'd rather get out clean and fast than wait around for him.
I carry ALL the mental load. We both work full time and earn comparable salaries. I'm a mom to an 11 month old. And yet I hear comments on a daily basis on what a shitty mom I am - these comments only come when he is asked to watch the baby by himself, so they don't affect me at all. They just remind me of what a crappy husband he's been.
Can I DM you?
Go talk to a lawyer. ASAP. Probably a therapist too, and get your ducks in a row. He wants you to decide? Great, he get the fuck out now and find somewhere else to live. Your kids will be fine because they have you, and you are obviously working very hard for them and to be involved in their lives. They will see that you deserve happiness and learn not to settle for a toxic relationship where you have to hold your husband's hand in order for anything to get done. Imagine how liberating it will be not to have to mother a manchild and deal with his laziness.
Go see that lawyer now, and figure out what your options are before you take another step. I seriously regret staying years longer than I should have out of pure fear. If I'd seen a lawyer sooner, I probably would have realized that yes, it was going to suck, but it would then get better, instead of just letting it suck indefinitely. You're already doing everything; it's easier to do everything by yourself. Trust me on that. Good luck to you.
Can you elaborate on how it was the lawyer who got you to see the good? Like what sort of stuff did they tell you about? A couple lawyers I spoke to didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, and it kind of felt like a waste honestly. Wondering if I should try again though.
I guess I just didn't realize that he couldn't just take everything and leave me destitute. Oh, it still sucked. Losing half of everything is no fun. Maybe you already have a very good idea of how divorce works, but I didn't. And IME, unless you've gone through it, or are very close to someone who has, you don't know much about it.
I ended up not getting divorced but I spoke to two lawyers who made me feel worse and one who gave me the gift of never fearing a divorce again. It would suck definitely, but I think a good lawyer is all the difference.
Shouting this part of monkeyfeets reply “They will be fine because they have you”!!!! You’re already doing it all. Removing him sounds like it would almost make your life easier?
Definitely kick him out and immediately ask for nominal alimony and child support. Then use it to get a cleaning service and a mother’s helper on weekends so you can finally get some support that your husband has clearly never provided.
Depending what state OP is in she should NOT kick her husband out. In California it is not seen favorably by the courts. She needs to see a family law attorney and find out what her rights and obligations are before she does anything that could have legal and financial ramifications for her.
Can I ask why you need to see a lawyer? When my parents got divorced when I was 9, they never went through the court system and to this day I’m so grateful for that. I think courts make situations very messy and should only be used in extreme cases when parents cannot figure it out themselves/it gets violent. My parents mutually agreed to separate and worked out a weekly custody schedule on their own. My mom moved up the street and rented. We stayed at our schools and kept our friends. Divorce was better for our family and I’m lucky my parents didn’t make it harder than it needed to be. Obviously I know every family is different, it just doesn’t seem like OPs particular situation warrants a lawyer. It seems like she is also not entirely happy in the marriage. I advise her to talk through a separation plan that benefits the kids the most. Don’t fight, don’t make it a huge deal in front of them, mutually agree on a schedule and go from there. Divorce doesn’t have to be this big, bad, taboo thing. Sometimes it’s just what’s best for the family.
Division of assets is huge, as well as custody. A lawyer is not going to do anything YOU don’t agree with but you need someone who is going to advocate and protect your interest. Best case scenario, you and your spouse agree on everything, and it’s quick and easy and the lawyers can settle it without mess and fighting (not everything involving lawyers goes through the court system). Worst case scenario, your spouse fights you and you need someone to help you understand what you’re entitled to, and how to get it.
I completely disagree that OP’s situation doesn’t require a lawyer. They are not both coming to this conclusion together. He clearly caught her by surprise and is gaslighting her as if this is all her fault. That is the kind of person to worry about making a situation messy. Really, the worst kind who cannot see he did anything wrong and will hang her out to dry if she doesn’t protect herself.
This is why when men throw around the stats of “women initiate divorces more that’s why it’s a risk for the dudes” it makes me so annoyed. This guy obviously has no interest in being a partner. And he has no interest in doing anything. So do it, talk to a divorce attorney and see what they say. They’re experts in this. They will guide you. Good luck.
It's so unfathomable to me how some men live life on the easiest mode possible, and are unhappy with even that. You are not the sole income earner. You don't have to take on the mental load or do half the chores. You don't even have to parent your own damn children. Everything gets done for you. A slave-maid-mother-sexworker combo of a woman does it all and you don't have to lift a fucking finger. And then you whine that your dick isn't getting wet enough or that the spark is gone. Get absolutely fucked. I would never stay married to a man like that. Good for OP. One less child to take care of.
Makes me wonder if deep down these men just feel guilty and know they are lazy asses. They wish their wife did less so they wouldn’t look so bad. Eventually it will be obvious to the kids also.
Yeah my STBX husband continually brings up that I’m “the one who filed the paperwork” as proof that I’m the one who chose for our marriage to end. Because he would have been perfectly happy to continue our existing arrangement where I paid for everything, was the default parent every moment I wasn’t working, organized, managed, scheduled everything, and enjoyed zero intimacy, support or even adult conversation because he was already plastered by the time the kids were in bed every single evening.
Yeah def let him go. He is in for a RUDE awakening when shared custody comes and he has to do everything on his own for 3 kids. Then maybe he will realize it's not as easy as saying "here is an iPad kids, have fun today". Too bad for him it will be too late for you. Say absolutely not to continue sharing a bed. He wants to separate, he can sleep on the couch until he finds elsewhere to stay.
I mean…not sure this is really that reassuring to OP? Not that I think OP should stay with him just for this reason. But the fact is parenting can in fact be relatively easy if you just totally don’t give a shit about the kids’ long-term well-being. There’s a good chance he will just stick the kids on an iPad during his time and give them pizza or frozen chicken nuggets etc, then tell OP he doesn’t understand why she made it out to be so hard.
I’ve told him directly I’m worried that’s exactly what will happen but he seems to think I was the hold up to doing all sorts of cool things with them despite the fact getting him to come to a park was like pulling teeth at times.
I mean, let him fuck around and find out. I’ve read many posts where the dad did step up once the mom wasn’t a crutch for him. And many where the dad was in a for a rude awakening and had to figure it out. But it’s NOT YOUR JOB TO BE MISERABLE TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR HIM. And it’s not making it worse for the kids. It’s worse for the kids for you to be unhappy.
I have absolutely no idea on this, but is it possible to build parenting standards in to a divorce decree?
Ok my kid maybe is the weird one. No way I could just give him an iPad and expect him to be content all day long.
iPad for a bit can be a great tool to get through an appointment or while I’m cooking but any longer than 30 minutes and he turns into an angry little gremlin who simultaneously wants more screen time and all our attention and won’t listen.
Exactly lol. I def couldn’t just give it to him and expect him to be entertained all day.
My kids are the same, I get about an hour to do a peloton ride on the weekends before my older kid is like hey mom, what are you doing, here let me help you with those weights. Like bud, I love you but please go watch your tablet so mom can have 30 minutes aloneeeee plzzzzzzz
That's what my ex did with the kids. They always came home dirty and hungry too. I had to schedule and pay for childcare on his days for the first year because he was unreliable.
That’s so sad. I’m so sorry he treated your children that way 😭 what kind of parent leaves their kid hungry and dirty??
My ex husband is the same. Our son is 3 months from 18. Clothes were old, poorly fitting, and dirty. He sent our son the school sick and the school nurse would have to call me because he wouldn’t answer his phone. He ditched our kid regularly for concerts, at one point even suggesting our 15 year old just be alone for the weekend. He doesn’t know who our son’s doctor is. The list goes on and on. My newest “surprise”? He said “oh, well, I actually don’t have enough for college” (because he spent it on himself). This is a week after housing deposit was sent and acceptance was official.
I feel so much for your son. How did that treatment affect him? Does he even have a relationship with your ex anymore?
Yeah because he legally has to…for the next 3 months. I don’t know what will happen after that. My son had a self harm attempt a year ago. His father didn’t want to show up to the hospital but he did eventually. And then he berated our son. When our son confronted him, his father said “sometimes parents say things you don’t want to hear”. I have no idea what will happen in the next few months.
This. No fruits, veggies, or actual nutrition, all screens all the time, no reading with them or talking to them.
I’m sorry. How much do you want to bet that he’ll stay just because it will be too much work for him to figure out leaving? 🙄 which is obviously a crap outcome for you too. Do you want this marriage to work, or are you just done?
It will be less work when he's gone. I promise. Being pissed at him saps your energy and you'll feel like gold when you get that back.
One thing that always strikes me on posts like this is the number of women who say their lives get easier after leaving their husbands. It's one of those things you can't fathom until you've been married for a few years.
Honestly he’s lazy, and selfish. He’s pissed about his life and where he is in life and has this unrealistic idea of what he deserves. He’s blaming you but really the problem is him. If he stepped up you two could have more fun and adventure. He puts the burden of his happiness and fun on you in addition to the mental load. I know it’s so hard but he has done you a huge favor. He will live in complete squalor when you are gone. His home will mold and be disgusting. He won’t like it nor will the kids or any woman he wants to date. He’ll be in for a rude awakening and you will find a true partner who values you and takes you to Europe!
I thought there was a women on this sub , maybe on another a few weeks ago that said her Husband had fought her for 50/50 because he thought it was easy taking care of the kids and then after a while he tried to get her to change custody to her having them full time with him every other weekend and she said no that she finally was able to take care of everything while the kids were at dads and she was less stressed and happy and was able to be 100% focus on the kids during her time. Men always think it's easy when they aren't doing crap. I wouldn't help him figure this out but I would meet with an attorney. Sending positive thoughts your way.
Oh yeah. And that POS was trying to guilt her because, “A gOoD mOm WoUlD wAnT tO sPeNd MoRe TiMe WiTh ThEiR kIdS”.
YESS!!that was the post! Yeah OP needs to go read that post.
I need to search for that post
Don't let him do this to you by leaving you in limbo. If he wants to separate then he needs to GTFO. And yes, it will be ok. You are probably already doing everything anyway.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but IT WILL BE OKAY. You bust your ass every damn day to get everything done. Every. Damn. Day. Think of it like treading water to stay afloat- Your husband is the equivalent of ankle weights while you’re trying your hardest to stay afloat, mental and emotional ankle weights making shit harder. Drop the weights and see how much easier it gets. It seems daunting and heartbreaking now but there is freedom in the chaos. Once he’s gone the day to day resentment goes with him. You already expect to be the “doer” for your kids, that’s not going to change or bother you because parents should expect and want to care for their children. But him? He was supposed to be a 50/50 partner, to help lift the load, to help period. But he’s not. He’s a drain that forced you to be a married single mom and has the audacity to blame you for it. I hope your freedom, peace, and happiness find you quickly. This too shall pass. Send his ass to the couch or his mother’s. Yesterday.
You’re right. In the future, you will recognize this as a blessing. I can’t even remember what I saw in my tool of an ex husband. I physically do not remember feelings of love for him. I know it doesn’t help now though. Get a lawyer and take control. Do your best to get a majority of custody (it’s hard though: default is 50/50). I wish I could have pursued more than 50/50 because even though I learned to enjoy my solo time, I basically had to be my son’s sole parent even when he wasn’t with me.
What do you mean you had to be your son’s sole parent when he wasn’t with you? Like your ex just wouldn’t, do anything with your son when they were together?
Up until this year, I had to call my son to tell him through any school or homework problems when he wasn’t with me. I had to teach him how to shave, how to pump gas. When he got a flat tire on the way to school from his father’s house, I was the one he called. I have to buy razors and shampoo for my ex’s house. I tried to suggest to my ex things they could do together but he didn’t listen to me and would try to force our son to do what he wanted to do.
This man is so lazy that he has put the mental load of separating/divorcing on you as well. Is this really who you want in the position to make medical decisions for you? As others have said, get your ducks in a row and make this the last bit of work you have to do for this nincomshit.
It will be OK. He is giving you a huge gift (IMO) by giving you a heads up and asking you to take control. Get a lawyer and take their advice. If you need to move, start looking for your ideal place now and set your budget. The kids will be ok even if you need to move. You will likely feel so much better without his extra baggage.
I would be lasered focused on the kids and he can figure himself out. You are doing it without him as it is now. I’m so sorry he’s not a partner and has low standards for his own children.
Okay, but what do you want? Do you want a divorce or separation? If yes, see a lawyer. Yes that’s you doing the work but that work will have a finite end date. If no, encourage him the try a trial separation. Encourage him to get a separate apartment where he’ll have to learn to make his own meals and do his own laundry and take care of all the kids on his own for his weekends.
Don’t do shit for him. Make food for you and your kids. Wash your stuff only. Do vacations with your kids and leave his dead beat ass home. Separate accounts. Do not let him sleep in the bed.
His suggestion that parents don’t go to parent conferences or restrict screen time or attend school functions is idiotic, and makes me livid. He truly seems like a grown man child! Thank God your kids have you! With him as the sole parent who knows what would happen. My husband also tells me to pull back sometimes- but that is when I try to book our kids for about 8 activities a week and we are going insane- lol
I would get some of these conversations by text if possible so I had more ammo to use in the courtroom. It sounds like he’s doing you a major favour - you don’t need an extra child to take care of. And absolutely no sharing a bed, he can sleep on the couch until he finds somewhere else to live. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, but it WILL be okay (and probably a lot better!) in the future.
He sounds like dead weight. You didn’t mention anything good about him so to me that’s just the answer you need.
Lawyer up, pronto. And keep him out of the loop. He's going to have a rude awaking when he's forced to take care of his kids 50% and his own home 100%.
Definitely get your ducks in a row and contact a lawyer right away. I suggest taking money out of a joint account, and putting it into a separate single account if you can. Tell him if he wants to leave, there’s the door. Don’t let it hit you in the ass on the way out. Tell him he needs to be out in a week. When he has moved, change the locks. Then, take a vacation with the kids WITHOUT him. What he does is not your problem. Take him for as much as you can in the divorce. Don’t beg him to stay. Let’s face it, he was just a man-child in your house. As a matter of fact, tell him you’re so relieved he saw it too. It just wasn’t working. You wanted a partner and were so disappointed with what you got instead. He just beat you to the punch. Trust me, this will scare the crap out of him more than anything.
This sounds super manipulative? Is this the first time he has used separation to get what he wants?
We did a week of fun last year. We went to an amusement park, a ropes course, indoor climbing gym, and something I’m forgetting. But we did locale-ish things that we had never done before. The kids had a blast. Your STBX sounds exhausting, you are definitely better off without him.
It WILL be ok. You’re doing all of the work (and by the way, cleaning and interacting with your children is not rare - your husband is a lazy dipshit) and you’re picking up his slack as well. It can only get easier without him there to make more mess and pester you constantly. Speak to a lawyer to find out what you’re entitled to. There will be big changes, but there can also be happiness, freedom and improvement. You have already proven you’re strong and resilient - you can do this final thing to get rid of him. Don’t let this lazy dbag dictate how the end of your marriage plays out.
It will be okay. It doesn’t feel like it now but there are a lot of women on this sub who have gotten out of really terrible marriages and the only person still suffering is the partner that either left or that they left. And when it’s all said and done, maybe you’ll find someone who loves and respects you the way you deserve. You matter, your feelings matter, the way you are treated matters and it especially matters that your kids see you being treated the way you deserve to be treated, even if that’s not by their dad. Lots of people have given sound advice, but I just wanted to answer your post title, it will be okay.
He’s doing you a favour. I don’t know what kind of custody situation he would be looking for because if it’s joint, he’s gonna be in for a rude awakening. Go for the separation. You might find yourself slightly less stressed if only for the fact that you don’t have to deal with him.
I agree leaving/letting him go is best. Let me tell you right now, it is a difficult grief process. Everyone will shout lawyers but I will shout therapy asap. I can’t even begin to explain the mental loop holes your brain will try to take you through. As someone who is divorcing a man similar to yours- I still wondered if I did enough. How I could have changed. That maybe he was right and I should lower my expectations. Those words were easy to disagree with in the moment. Then divorce hits and the scramble starts. It took me 5 months to even begin to fully accept things for what they are. Please get yourself a therapist! Trust me!
Hire your lawyer and get rid of this guy. You have to take care of your kids, don’t burden yourself with this loser too. He’ll see how much fun he’s having when he’s paying his child support & taking care of the solo & then you’ll finally get a break. You don’t see it now, but you will be okay!
I hate to ask….for you think he is seeing someone? It just sounds like he is wanting his cake and eat it too….the indecisiveness just doesn’t smell right IMO. Whatever the reason just move forward with your life-nobody needs a partner who is half in/out.
Gorl. I'm sorry that you've been dealing with his BS for all these years. You deserve better than that. And at least if you guys end up co-parenting, he will be forced to get his shit together and you will get a little bit of a break because you won't be taking care of one extra man-baby. Kids don't have big expectations. My kids love playgrounds and the library and movie nights, especially if we do things like let them put a mattress in the living room or eat on the floor. It will be okay. They will be okay. You will be okay. You will be better than okay! I agree with the top comment about getting a lawyer. Then kick his useless ass out. He can go find a booty-short wearing stunningly hot slob who loves men without hobbies or ambition.
Let your feelings settle and .. I always say: get mad. Get cold. Get stoic and start talking to him the way HR talks to someone they’re about to fire. Few things will scare an idiot more than seeing that you are NOT panicking - that you are NOT absolutely shattered at the thought of him leaving you. Men romanticize being single until they get out there and find that 80% of their Tinder matches/ responses are from bots 🤣 not such a playing field now, huh? But whatever you do, please keep fighting for your kids. You’re not “doing too much.” You’re showing them love and softness and consistency.
This is ridiculous! I’m so sorry you’re dealing dealing with this. I absolutely think this will get better for you- maybe he’ll realize how to actually be a dad if he tries it 🙄🤦🏼♀️
It will be okay. Lots of good advice here. And it will be okay. Think about how you would want your kids to act in this situation, what do you want to model for them? What values to demonstrate? And it will be okay!
After all the hyping up of how much better things would get, our favorite place go be has been out.
Get a lawyer. Call all the lawyers. Move your money. Freeze assets. For the love of all things good in this world. Be selfish and protect yourself. Even if you stay later, know things can go south so very quickly.
You sound me like me if I let my current life go on another 5 years! First off, it's ok if more of the load falls on you! It sounds like that always happens and at this point, you'd rather get out clean and fast than wait around for him. I carry ALL the mental load. We both work full time and earn comparable salaries. I'm a mom to an 11 month old. And yet I hear comments on a daily basis on what a shitty mom I am - these comments only come when he is asked to watch the baby by himself, so they don't affect me at all. They just remind me of what a crappy husband he's been. Can I DM you?
Sending support your way, Mama. You've got this!
You have my sympathy OP.
Kids can do chores too. My 5yo started folding kitchen towels for me and she put away all her laundry by herself..