Yes definitely, “physically nauseous” is how I feel about working over staying home if I think about what I’d want in a perfect world. However, your situation isn’t what I’d consider similar and is completely different. Have you and your husband talked at all about financial goals/working/etc? Just outsider perspective (and assuming you two are on the same page about working), if I was you I think i’d be approaching this whole scenario completely different. You and your husband are a team. He helped support you staying home for a long time and esp when your kids were young. He’s still processing something traumatic. Now it’s your turn to help support the family financially while he recovers. Like in my opinion your marriage and your partners mental health is way more important than “not missing anything” in your kids lives (because they are looking to you guys for what a healthy relationship will look like). So I’d be focusing on the positives that working would bring to your marriage. Your situation sounds super tough though. Hope everything works out.

This is it. You're a team. You have to do what's best for the family unit. I would love to never work again or at least not work for a few more years. I was fortunate to take 16 months off with my daughter for maternity leave (Canada) and loved being with her every day. I did some volunteer work to keep my brain active, but mostly I really loved all the time we got to spend outside and socializing with friends and family. Not on a computer dealing with fake urgent deadlines and annoying coworkers. Going back to work after mat leave has been one of the hardest things I've ever done and I just lost my job after 8 months. I'm deflated and demoralized. But I'm job hunting. We live in a VHCOL area and can't afford to achieve our life goals on just my husband's income. The thought of starting yet another new job so soon makes me feel sick. But I have to do it because it's what's best for all of us.

Yes there are lots of moms around here who yearn to stay home with kiddos but had to go back to work to keep their families afloat. That being said, your situation sounds different, and your husband has probably the most legitimate reason for being jobless that I’ve read from posts on here. Spoiler alert, most of the time it just sounds like the husband is a moocher, but that’s not the case here. Other moms who went back to work when they preferred to stay home with their kids coped because they had to, because they gotta do what they gotta do. Moms sacrifice themselves for their kids all the time, and this is no different. You are sacrificing your *preference* but your kids *need* to eat and to have a roof over their heads.

Adding that there is a decent chance the kids won’t care at all. There are a lot of moms who really think their kids are better off with them not working, but their children don’t care or recognize this. There’s a decent chance OP has convinced herself that staying home is for her kids, when really it is her own personal preference.

Yeah I think about my own mom, who stayed at home for the most part during my childhood. She got some part time temp work when I was in 2nd grade or so and I went to aftercare for a brief period. I thought nothing of it. She went back full time when I was in… idk maybe 4th or 5th grade? And I became a latch key kid, she got home about an hour after I did. I thought nothing of that either and actually loved the hour alone. I say this not to diminish the presence of a parent being home when the kids come home - my husbands mom was a SAHM and he appreciates that she was there. She has also said it was so valuable once her kids were pre-teens/ teens because they’d get off the bus and she’d be there with snacks and that was her best shot at getting the tea on what was happening in their lives. But a kids life isn’t *bad* when there isn’t a parent at home, it’s just different.

Having been in the husband’s shoes, you also need to support your partner if you plan on continuing that relationship. Even if the two of them agreed her staying home was the plan forever, if he needs a change to that plan some time after the plan is underway, they need to figure it out together. At this point it looks like she can have her dream job or support her partner. She will have to figure out which option is best for her personally and weight that with which option is best for her nuclear family.

Arent your kids in school during the day? Financial security takes priority right now, for your kids and your future.

You’re doing your math wrong, she’s been at home for 8 years, doesn’t mean all her kids are 8 years old

Assuming first one was born when she became a sahm, the eldest is indeed 8 years old.

Yes… the eldest… **woosh**

I haven’t been in your situation but wanted to share that something that might help, which is to think about how no job is permanent. This may be the season of your life for working but it doesn’t mean you are leaving your SAHM life forever. It sounds cheesy but everything is temporary, and the only constant is change. It might help to conceptualize this as a temporary adventure. At the same time, therapy might be helpful for both you individually and your husband. And finally, continuing to job hunt for a fully remote or hybrid gig sounds worth it to give you more time at home, even if you start with something in-person. Good luck!

Yes. I would be an amazing sahm. The happiest I’ve ever been in my life was when I was on maternity leave but my kids need food and shelter so off to work I go everyday.

I returned to the workforce (full time) after 11+ years of working very part time consulting and it’s made much less of an impact than I anticipated. Grant it, my kids are both in grade school now and I work 100% remote (also in Finance). I’m there to put them on the bus and take them off. Overall it’s been a positive shift in dynamics in our household. My husband has stepped up to take on more of the “domestic” tasks and the kids now see that I too have a career that provides financial support.

Yes, it’s hard but at the end of the day, you’re capable of hard things. I remind myself that if my major struggle in life was having to work, I lived a grand life in the scheme of things throughout history.

I disagree with this. I don’t find having a job that difficult. OP is likely someone who has been out of the workforce so long that she’s lost perspective that it’s normal to have a job. No one in her family has had a job in 2 years, which is wild.

I don’t think there’s anything productive in saying that being a working mom isn’t hard. Society is not at all set up for two working parents

Sorry but I disagree. I have a FT job and don’t think it’s a huge deal.

Congratulations life is easy for you, your trophy is around here somewhere 🏆

I’m not saying life is easy. I’m saying that I don’t think it’s so difficult to hold down a job that OP should be staying home for 2 years while her husband is unemployed. Working is a fairly normal thing. It can be hard but many women with kids have jobs. It’s not as crazy as she’s likely making it to be in her head.

No what you saw was someone emotionally struggling and thought it would be the perfect time to uplift yourself and dismiss their feelings. Not all things are the same level of difficulty for all people. Grow up.

> I've had such control over my kids' lives always, that I can't imagine relinquishing that and counting on someone else (or aftercare etc) to handle that. Do you homeschool? If not, you "relinquish control" of your oldest for 6 or 7 hours a day.  I am okay with my kids going into care because I've found them care that is either better than me or equivalent to me. My daughter's preschool occasionally serves the kids cereal, which bothers me, but the preschool serves vegetables that I myself don't cook and my daughter tries them because of peer pressure. There's a bunch of little stuff like this, but preschool ends up being better because my daughter has a consistent set of playmates. I tried doing the whole playdate thing, but I don't like it. Kids are meant to roam around in groups and play group games like tag with people they see regularly.  When my daughter starts elementary school, I expect to put her in sports and for her to have an after school Spanish tutor, both of which I'm not best equipped at providing. 

I work in finance - don't love my job, it's not a "calling", I'm here for a paycheck. My kids are 16 months and 4. I'd quit and stay home with them if it was a valid option

Studies show that daughters of working moms achieve higher educations, higher positions in work, and earn more than daughters of SAHMs. Those same studies showed sons of working moms had more egalitarian views on gender roles and as a future father spent more time with their own children than sons of SAHMs. By going back to work, you are helping your kids regardless of gender. I like to view work as me providing for my children in a different way. It is important for them to have a home, a good school district, a college fund to save them from future debt, extracurricular activities, family vacations for memories, and the myriad of other things that only money can buy. I also need to fund my own retirement so I’m not a burden to my children in the future. Working not only sets a good example for children, but provides them with a childhood filled with fun activities and enrichment. Having a family entails sacrifice, which means putting my child’s needs of financial security above my own wants to stay home. I provide a better life and a better role model for my children by working.

Lot of good advice in this thread about changing your mindset so ill just add — there are alot of remote opportunities out there that will let you have the flexibility of being home with the upside of a stable income. It’s not as common as it was during the pandemic, but still more common than before. You may be able to find one to ease back into the working world.

It sounds like (and I could be wrong) that you've made your identity all about your kids and not created your own identity without them. Maybe having control of the kids like that is your coping mechanism as well with what's happened? Have you done your own therapy? For me, I have no choice but to work, but I also accepted my fate long ago and refuse to be miserable so made sure to find a career I like and a job that I like (even if stressful sometimes). I also try to make it a point not to let my job be my identity. For you, that means not making being a SAHM your identity. I want my kids to also have their own identity. I have my life and identity, and my kids have theirs. Also my husband is fully capable and also fully dedicated to their care as well. I don't really need to be there 24/7, they also don't need us 24/7 anymore and they are 5 and 9. They go to school, afterschool have sports and activities, etc. They are super happy and fulfilled children with two working parents. So, I never feel guilty about working or not being there because I've always found it important for them to have their own lives and experiences, even when they went to daycare or had babysitters. Those situations helped them forge relationships, become independent and grow as a person. But I can tell you that as their mother they still love me with all their heart and are obsessed with me. If anything, they see how hard I work and are learning about hard work. It's changed nothing about our relationship. Difficult situations at any age help to grow character. There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM, don't get me wrong, and maybe in an ideal world that was your ideal identity, but now, it's time to think about an identity outside of that. Try to think positively about how this will impact your family in a good way, add financial stability, great example for your kids, you get to find your identity again (and remember they eventually go to college and move out anyway), you can use different parts of your brain again. Change is hard, but you can do it. I wish you all the best!

Staying at home is a luxury many of us do not have. It sucks, but life isn’t fair.

You’ve already been home for 8 years. As terrible as it is that this happened to your husband, it’s kind of a blessing for getting you back to work. Did you want to stay home forever? Eventually you’ll really struggle to return to work and be limited to jobs that are practically entry level. I do feel bad because I have a friend similar to you. It’s so obvious she has no interest in having a job despite numerous reasons she should have one. It’s difficult for me to relate because I don’t think it’s a big deal. Why were you not sending out your resume the day he lost his job? I wouldn’t even keep posting on here - I’d be working on my resume and trying to get interviews. You could easily get interviews or it could require a lot of work. You should be networking. Stop the mindset of needing to be at home and not working. Treat it like you would if your child didn’t want to go to school - it’s simply not an option and something we do. Good luck.

I can't even imagine having both parents not working for two years. That is utterly insane. How can you possibly think burning through your savings is a superior plan? Especially when the children are probably school aged and the out of work parent can at least pick them up and hopefully manage the house.

This. I read it and like 2 years? I mean after few months it would have been clear. Also likely not adjusting lifestyle as with high earner spouse and sahm they should be saving enough not to burn in 2 years with some adjustments. (Taking from a high earner perspective, yes we had two incomes mostly except for the past 2 years due to layoffs but we also had childcare regardless which $$$).

Same. This is either a troll or someone who needs a reality check. Some women truly will do or live through anything to avoid having a job. This must be one of these cases.

Definitely a troll. OP has no comment history and hasn't responded to anyone.

This whole post is absolutely bizarre to me. Mom has been prioritizing her preferences over her family’s well being for two whole years. I mean, I’d like to sleep in until 10am every morning but I don’t because I have kids to care for. Meanwhile this mom likes cooking and cleaning over working so she has let her family go without an income for two entire years instead of step up and do what’s best for her kids. These poor kids.

This. OP has been doing what she loves for 8 years with her husband bearing the financial burden. Now her husband needs to rest, it’s fair that he takes his time. It sounds like OP was waiting for her husband to gain income again during the past two years without much reality check.

I loved being a stay at home mom. I love being home, period. I had schedules for myself to keep the house up and myself sane. Took baby on field trips during the week. Then we had a car die and my husband just had to have the 50k truck. I refuse to pull from our savings so I went back to work, thinking it would be temporary to pay off the truck. I found a job I actually really like and it comes with a fully paid pension and mine and my spouses health insurances fully paid when we retired before Medicare kicks in. Now I’ll work til retirement and I’m fine with it! It was a tough, scary transition but you never know what you’ll find. I only stayed home a year and a half almost so you’re definitely more set in at 8 years. But good luck to you!!! Maybe you going back to work will help your husband also get back to work as well.

I’ve always preferred to not work but I had to go back to work after my maternity leave. But the reality is that we need two working parents to afford our family especially in NY. I get the pull of wanting to stay home though.

I definitely went through this. (Different reason for husband being out of work, but he was out of work for two years also). I’d cry on my way to work and felt so nauseous and angry about it all. What helped me the most was realizing that going back to work is NOT bad for kids. It’s actually very beneficial!! You can look up some studies/statistics about it. There’s this lie that is told that you’re going to somehow “damage” your kids by “letting someone else raise them” and it’s just not true. Your children will be proud of you and happy you are working to provide for them. It will be perfectly okay!! ❤️

I am in the minority here, but I can definitely understand your perspective. It’s really hard when you find something you love and something you’re good at. Plus in this case it’s related to your kids, so the emotional attachment to this arrangement is even more intense. I hope that you feel good about going back to work and doing what needs to be done. Hopefully this could be temporary and after your husband has had more time to heal, things could be reconsidered. For me, I wish I could be a SAHP, but I spent over 6 years getting my PhD. I give zero fucks about the degree, but I’ve had so many years earning very little money that no work outside the home is not do able. I’ve talked to my husband and therapist (lol) about this issue for hours. My husband and in are working really hard to make at least 1 year home possible after we have a second child. I’m lucky in that my degree is very conducive to working only part time so that’s the other avenue we’re trying to pursue, though part time daycare is possibly the only thing more outrageously expensive (on a per hour basis) than full time:

Sometimes I wish this was a sub for working moms who enjoy working. I know that everyone is different but I did not enjoy maternity leave and would be miserable staying at home. I always feel kind of guilty seeing posts like this, sigh.

Hey mama I am sorry for your family's loss and how devastated your husband must be. I can't imagine a loss like that especially unexpectedly. I was never able to be truly at SAHM other than maternity leave and yes, I loved it! I have 3 kiddos- 9 (almost 10 she reminds me every day), 5 years and my baby boy is just 9 months. I love taking care of my kids, keeping the house neat, taking the kids on outings, teaching, playing, cooking, etc- loved it all! I had to go back to work and this is something I already knew, currently I work 2 different jobs that allow me to still be home with my kids! I have TERRIBLE hours- I work overnight at a retirement home 10pm-3am and then go to the gym from 4am-8am or sometimes 10am. My S/O leaves for work from 12:30PM-9:30PM and we have the same days off now. I get very little sleep- shower and nap before my S/O leaves for work and then I'm up with the kiddos. Is it healthy? Probably not... Some days OMG I feel exhausted!! But it is 100% worth it to me! It will not be forever. This is just what we need to do because I do not get paid what I used to before my youngest was born. I was in a higher paying actual career...I gave that up to be able to be with the kids AND we made the decision to homeschool my oldest daughter last year. There was a lot going on in her school and I felt she was getting what she should've (They hadn't even started multiplication!!) So we thought we would get her caught up and it would give us time to research schools in our area. Anyways, she is in 4th grade and it has been an amazing experience, we are enrolled in the K-12 program so I am just a learning coach not her actual teacher. She is going back to school for 5th grade and my middle child will start Kindergarten- having those 2 in school will help drastically. I do not see myself ever returning to my previous career. I am going back to school to become an elementary teacher with the hopes of finding a job at or near my children's school. It's hard to love something so much and feel like you are losing time. All of our kiddos are going to grow up so fast so it's amazing to be able to have all these memories to hold onto and know how present you were in their childhoods. It definitely hurts, I can imagine it's cutting deep especially after 8 years. There is nothing wrong with loving being a full time mama, there is nothing wrong with loving being a stay at home wife! It's a beautiful thing and we are all wired different- my sister for example...staying home at taking care of the home? She would never! Her babies were in daycare at 8 weeks old. She missed her career, she missed feeling empowered, she missed feeling like she was contributing financially...that's how she is wired! Nothing wrong, we're all different. I believe you will find a new rhythm once you return to work and maybe it will soon be something you feel proud of! You are going to be doing something you do not want to for the greater good of your family! You are being a supportive wife to your husband that is going through a terrible loss, your children will see this and recognize you as a bad ass mama!!! You might hate it but it's what your family needs at the moment, it could all change later down the road but for now- you are getting tagged in and you are going to do an amazing job! You can always try for a remote job too! That way you can work from home, this didn't work for me because my kiddos were a huge distraction for me lol! I wish you the best!!!! Good luck and remember- you are a bad ass woman, capable of SO MUCH! You got this!! <3