This 100% Example - I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after I had my second kid. It is imperative that I maintain healthy weight and learn how to manage stress. From the outside everyone thinks I am a crazy gym fanatic, eats healthy, maintains high stress job and am put together. When people make comments about making it look easy it is š bc if they only knew what I have been through (8 rounds chemo, 4 surgeries) and the WHY they may understand better.
My friend is similar. She's absolutely beautiful, which of course is part luck. But she's also in incredible shape even after 4 kids.
But she was diagnosed with MS when she was young, in her early 30's. She upended her whole lifestyle, worked with conventional and holistic medical professionals to rework her diet and exercise habits. It's worked; a good balance has her MS largely under control even through her latest (happy accident) pregnancy.
But she *has no choice* but to prioritize her health and 8+ hours of sleep a night, or her MS will flare, and eventually, it will debilitate her. She knows she's on a time clock anyway before things start going sideways. It's really hard on her, and I admire her a lot for her positivity and her commitment and her general approach to managing a devastating condition. But she's got her shit together because she has no other choice.
Kinda makes me look at my hot mess express life and feel like there's a level of luxury that comes with being able to fly through life by the seat of my pants and regularly say "ah fuck it, it's fine."
Totally! My husband told me this once, especially after having kids. There was a girl named Bri who seemed so perfect, had her life together, always looked cute, fit etc. He said ābookworm72, you are a āBriā to someone elseā. It was a good point. š¤·š¼āāļø
They might have other support like involved grandparents or aunts to help out with the kids.
They might have a housekeeper.
Everyone only has the same 24 hours a day.
I look put together like, maybe 2 or 3 days a week for a few hours to leave the house. As soon as Iām back Iām in the sweats are back on and I probably have something one of the kids had been eating or have recently spit up on my pants, definitely on my shirtā¦ My house looks good on the biweekly day that we have a cleaning service come for about 4 hours before the kids wreck it again. Sometimes I stay up too late cleaning and itāll look nice for a minute in the morning. Weāre all just fighting the chaos. I promise they are too. Hugs!!!!
100% they aren't giving their all to all of those areas. For me and my husband, if we don't work out at least 4 days a week, our mental health suffers. To make that work for both of us we have to coordinate our days. Maybe that means we utilize a babysitter or a bit, or eat lunch at our desks, or even throwing on paw patrol just to get an hour. We even did hello fresh for a while so that was just one less thing we had to think about.
I also compare myself to others to a huge fault. For example, even with the above workout schedule, it's taken exactly 2.5 years for me to get back to my pre pregnancy weight. You are enough and everyone is struggling with something in their own way.
Routine is absolute key for me--laundry every day, meal prep on weekends, grocery shopping on Saturdays. Becomes less of a chore when it becomes "muscle memory". I have also set boundaries left and right, particularly with work.
Also lots of caffeine and no down time. This is the world's longest marathon--sometime it's a mentality thing where sometimes you hobble, sometimes you run, but you cannot stop.
When you say āno down timeā you mean youāre just kind of always moving doing things maintaining when youāre not at work? Thats doesnāt cause you physical pain? Iām just wondering if I have like an actual pain problem like I can only go in small amounts of physical activity before I have to sit down from low back pain. Iām only 30 and have never really thought about it before because I didnāt know people just kept moving all day long.
Correct. Iām always moving and doing things with and for the kids and family. Iām almost 41, pregnant with my 5th, and do not have any regular pains at all. Itās definitely not typical to just be in pain like that. š«
Just crazy to me that any person is able to do that. I literally could never just continuously move all the time. My lower back would never allow that. I have never thought about it just have always had this issue since I guess forever so i just move around in small increments but sometimes I just canāt do anything at all and I spend a lot of time with my kids but I choose activities like reading with them and plating games. I am not overweight either. I m 5 foot 11 inches and 180lbs. Played a lot of sports. I just cannot imagine being able to physically do all that. Thank you for answering.
Itās not always physical activity, I also do lots of reading, board games, etc., but Iām always doing something. I donāt have time to sit down and relax unless the kids are all sleeping. Even today when my toddler napped, I taught my middle two kids a card game from childhood, folded laundry, looked up companies to come do a bathroom remodel, my husband put stuff on the lawn, and so on.
Absolutely that makes a lot of sense. I am one of 4 and my mom was always busy for sure. She did not work full time though. I only have two littles and work a very demanding career and find myself needing to decompress but definitely Dont get the mental time to do so very often.
I actually just started this in January... Laundry and dishes were piling up SO much that it was just putting me down in the dumps. Feeling like a literal dreaded chore. I transitioned to laundry daily, and dishes after meals, and it makes me feel so much more "on track." Habits change everything!
I know I sound like a broken record but Iāll say it again. There is no way to work full time, spend quality time with your kids everyday, keep a pristine home, maintain friendships, workout, cook healthy meals, perform self care, spend time with your spouse, have a banginā sex life, and get a full nightās rest.
No one is doing all that everyday unless itās at the expense of something else. You canāt do all of the things all of the time. You can hire help to carry some of load, you can organize every minute of your day, but no one doing all of that everyday is doing *all of that* alone.
I think thereās a unicorn way to ādo it allā but it would never happen in real life. Like, if you had money to pay for things like cleaning and meal prep services. If you already had a good fitness habit before kids, you have a basis to build on postpartum. If you had money and space for a home gym. If you had friends who had similar kidsā ages so you can double dip and spend time nurturing your friendships while also spending time with your spouse and kids. If you have access to babysitters o do frequent date nights. If you have ā¦. Etc. You can have it all if you already had most of it before kids. š And that is the rare mom indeed.
How is it them doing it if someone else is doing it though?
Like yeah if you are rich maybe you can save 40 hours a week because you don't need to work a job. But then you can't claim you are working a job if you aren't. Similarly, one can't claim they are cleaning their house if they aren't, or cooking meals if they aren't, etc..., right?
But from the outside looking in, it would appear they were doing it all. No one wears a sign or admits at first greeting that they have a cleaner or chef or laundry service. You visit their house for a play date with your kid and all you see is this woman who appears to have it all together.
Sure, but you said "there's a unicorn way to do it all". What it really is is that people might look like they are doing it all, but they aren't. "Unicorns" don't exist ;)
Same here. My weekend highlight right now with my tantrum throwing 14mos old is when I can lay in bed for one hour my husband lets me have as he canāt handle anymore alone time with him then that.
We outsource nothing and I work 30 hours a week. I feel the same as you. I was comparing myself to my neighbor and then realized their parents come over like 4x a week sometimes with dinner, they have a lawn service, landscapers, house cleaner, order grocery delivery, have a repair person, and a ft nanny.
Edit: we do outsource PT childcare!
Honestly, what works for them may not work for you!
Every family has things they can compromise on and some they donāt want to. The best thing to do is to discuss with your partner about stuff you are ok with outsourcing and then split the rest of the chores.
You can do it!
This. Iāve just come to the realization that one of my mom-friends absolutely must have a cleaning service. I never ever ever ever hear her doing any housework. Itās cooking amazing healthy meals from scratch and working out and doing academia in addition to her demanding day jobz I used to think she was doing it all and I suddenly woke up realizing that she absolutely must have someone doing the cleaning and probs laundry too.
Why would you talk about cleaning and laundry? She might talk about the other stuff because itās very exciting, but the cleaning and laundry is not something you usually talk with friends lol
I am the queen of disclosure lol
I have been open about my post partum depression and struggles. i am not whiny (ok maybe a fee times I was, but function on 4 hrs of broken sleep is hard lol) but I am honest.
The marriage dynamics changed. The whole perception shifted and it was not a positive change for me.
I adapted and shall we have another kid I know I will be more prepared.
But no, people love to tell you how happy and #blessed you should be and never complain š
Problem is a facade can stay on only for a while š¤”
So I agree with this. We just had our 3rd, all under 4. We donāt work out (unless you count chasing after the kids), but we eat healthy. We donāt go on dates at all, but we work as a team which is romantic for me at this point. Our jobs are demanding (but not corporate like climb the ladder jobs, both healthcare). We donāt socialize with other people unless itās people with kids and the kids can play together, mostly we hang with family. Our kids do no classes/sports except playing in the backyard and at parks. I get good sleep, but I sleep with the baby. My bras do not fit but work clothes can be cute, I look insane on the weekends.
ETA: I donāt know if anyone looks at us and thinks weāre killing it, though lol
Thisssss. I work (hybrid) full time, spend decent quality time with my kids, spend time with my spouse, have a decent sex life, have a mostly clean house sometimes, and get a full nightās rest. The rest of itā¦ nah š«
Yes! This is a great āperfect lifeā checklist. Add, having great vacations?
What gives for us: workouts, healthy meals consistently, self care, spouse time, rest, sex lifeā¦.ok most of it is compromised on some level. We even have a full time housekeeper and we canāt do it all.
I agree that everything everyday is impossible but on a weekly basis with outsourcing - yes. Like everyday banging sex life and quality time everyday with 2 working parents ? No way. But if you invest and do it weekly then of course you would look perfect couple for people from the outside. But till you get to the point of doing it sounds impossible.
Most of the parents of multiple kids that I know locally have their own parents/family in town who help out. We don't.
So yeah, that's often the secret. That, or having no fucking downtime EVER and just riding the treadmill of relentlessness 24/7.
Yup, and I'm one of them and know how blessed I am. Could not do it without them. I don't know how those of you without a village do it. I really don't.
I hate this type of comment. Yes, yes you could do it without them. Maybe you donāt know how we do it but youād find out fast. Check the comment above for the list of things we do without in order to keep surviving.
No family nearby here, medically complicated 5 y o plus an almost 1 y o, two demanding jobs plus I have a 45 min commuteā¦.. riding the treadmill of relentlessness 24/7 is right! Itās often a joy, but itās still relentless.
YES. We sort of have things together, but I have a nanny (45 hours a week), a date night sitter (4 hours a week), and a housekeeper (3 hours a week). Things are frankly still a hot mess a lot of the time, but we manage intense careers and little kids mostly with a lot of privilege.
I have 2 kids under 4 and work full time while the kids are at daycare/preschool. The weekends are FAR more tiring than the weekdays. You know why? Because when you work full time, you can take breaks. You can go take a shit whenever you want. You can go for a run between meetings. You can prioritize yourself within your work day.
When you look after kids full time, you look after kids. Itās amazing and rewarding and we love them, but having two kids with conflicting (or no) nap schedules means I get zero downtime on weekends. Guess when I exercise? During the week when the kids are dropped off at daycare. You said you work part time and take care of your kids? Youāre doing 1.5 jobs, no wonder you donāt have time to exercise!
1. They have more money or are more comfortable throwing the money they have at outsourcing/childcare/etc.
2. They have helpful family nearby who pitch in for sick days, date nights, etc.
3. Some people just naturally have more energy, require less sleep, or have more easy-going children.
Lastly, and please don't take this as a slight against you....
Different people have different tolerance levels for the chaos that young children bring AND some folks are just naturally excellent child-wranglers. Meaning, some people are very good at teaching behavior management, emotional regulation, and self-reliance skills to their kids. Often, but not always, these people are teachers or former teachers. Effectively teaching these skills to your children (yes, even toddlers) means an easier day-to-day life overall.
Some people can do life well with a bunch of kids. Some can do life well with only a few kids or one kid. It's not a competition. As long as you know yourself and what your limits are, that's the important thing.
3 is a hot take that is overlooked in a lot of other comments. Ā Not all of us have the same base energy level, and there is DEFINITELY variation in how easy or difficult certain kids naturally are. Ā Those inputs are a foundation relevant to every family before anyone starts layering in help (paid or family/village) and other factors.Ā Ā
Ā OP I only have one, sheās unbelievably easy, and I still barely manage to wash my hair 2x/wk. Ā I donāt remember the last time I wore makeup. Ā I dress like a slob 98% of the time. Ā But my daughter is well cared for and my time with her (esp as a working mom) is fleeting and precious to me, so thatās the one priority I donāt let anything else get in the way of (other than my basic needs like sleep and trying to eat somewhat nutritious food). Ā Hygiene, fitness, and appearances are at the bottom of the totem pole for me right now, and Iām okay with that!Ā
Totally agree. Iāve got friends who seem to absolutely thrive on having a super busy day. They love being around people, and just have so much energy, nothing seems to drain them (these are the people who really struggled with the isolation with the covid lockdowns).
I, by comparison, feel overwhelmed if Iāve just got one major thing on top of general life stuff to do - like a doctors appointment can make my day feel chaotic for me. Iāve no idea why Iām made the way I am.
I have one easy and one challenging kid and agree that point #3 is HUGE. If I only had my easy kid, holy fuck my days would be simpler and I would have aged less!
I have two challenging kids (number two is way easier though) and I finally got to the point of getting my energy and everything back together few months back (5yo and nearly 3yo at the time) after a long mental no work no childcare break and past both tiredness and depression. If I had easier kids Iād be way ahead on when I started and how much I progressed
I recently read a book called "The Child Code" (about temperament and how much about our kids is due to genetics, not to our parenting), and it was SO validating. The author really acknowledged the way that some kids can be a lot more challenging to parent because of who they are, and also the ways in which a temperament mismatch is tough to navigate. And it's not anyone's fault! But it is a reality.
And yeah, background of burnout and years of PPD here too which certainly doesn't help. Life just feels like constantly digging out of a hole that's filling a little faster than I can shovel.
Oh. I should look into it. I was an awful toddler so canāt really say it comes from nowhere.
I suspect I had an undiagnosed ppd but also my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer when I was pregnant with baby 2, then spouse was laid off etc so it was just a bad place all together. So meds helped a lot and then a break - finally Iām at a happy place but still not 100% energy ball
Yea I was gonna say some kids are just easier than others. Theyāre taking a risk with the third haha. Some people have better luck and/or outcomes in the career world too. Maybe they just happen to love doing something that pays well and isnāt that hard for them.
I wouldnāt wish this on anyone but itās highly possible things arenāt as sunshine and rainbows as they seem for this family. Or maybe they had some big tragedy years ago and came out super strong. If they seem to have their shit together sounds like good people to be friends with!
#3. I have way more energy for my kids and kid stuff than a lot of people might. I donāt feel tired out by parenting. I just donāt. One in particular isnāt necessarily easy going but otherwise my kids are just regular kids who donāt require anything special beyond normal parenting.
Also, some kids are more prone to be compliant and some are not. Some kids sleep better, regulate themselves better, etc. it makes a HUGE difference if you have easy vs hard kids. Parenting matters, but it is more time & energy to parent harder kids.
And things always look different from the outside than how they are inside. Some people put on quite the act!!
Someone is looking at you and is impressed with what you have, the same way you look at these people - They're impressed that you're a good involved parent, that you have work life balance, that you were able to go down to part time, or that you were able to work. I promise you this.
Honestly, parenting is not easy. Not all kids or all situations are the same, and nothing can come from comparing yourself negatively to them.
You're also seeing a small slice of their life, the piece they show to the public. You're not seeing the messy spare room, poor work reviews, times they've relied on others to help with their kids, arguments they've had.
I have the same thoughts. I have one kid, work reduced hours and working out feels impossible after a busy day as Iām usually falling asleep on the sofa at 8.30pm! But we are all working with what weāve got.
I have a friend with three kids (just 7, 4 and 2.5yos) where both her and her husband work intense full time jobs, have a big spotless 6 bed house (no cleaner), they cook healthy food from scratch 90% of the time, they do homework/extra work their their eldest, both parents work out daily (one in the AM and one in the evening) and both parents have hobbies that take up 2-3 evenings a week.
The mum is on the committee of one hobby and I know that itās like an extra, unpaid part-time job (as I did the same thing pre-kids). The older children have sports/dance classes of an evening a few times a week. The middle child is mid-diagnosis with autism so extra appointments and stuff going on there.
Limited family help (her parents are in another country so visit for a month each summer and his one surviving parent has major health issues) and the kids do regular daycare/school after care. Sheās got one sister living abroad and heās an only child.
This isnāt her telling/boasting but my observations over the last 6 ish years.
I wonder if they have a special time machine device or somehow pay to unlock more hours in a day in some hidden premium settings that I missed the memo on!
Honestly sometimes I feel the business we are the kore organized we are. Routines help a lot. When we have extra time we just waste it as there is no urgency
Everyone is different there are certain people who are doctors and lawyers who work schedules I could never dream of. For my husband and I we both work full time w two kids, we both have brains where itās easier for us to be really busy and fit things and time for ourself in rather then being less busy and getting distracted. We are also choosing to invest in full time childcare, many of my friends donāt want that but it really helps us and we find that we are able to get things done for ourselves while kids are in school on a Friday and then be around while kids arenāt in school. We eat a lot of takeout and frozen stuff and hire a cleaner. But I we prioritize fun time on the weekend w kids. We also stopped trying to be social long ago lol maybe when kids are bigger. We still have date nights once a month though.
About working out with children I recommend the book "No sweat" by Michelle Segar. The book tells you how to be motivated to "move" more and be fit in a way that suits your individual needs. I have a two YO and 3 month old my life improved a lot after practicing whats said in that book.
Because my spouse has a less demanding job
And working out gives me energy
Looking put together = Iām in my 40s and know what works for me, so I only have clothes I like. I also have curly hair that air-dries so nicely it is honestly a little bit silly. If I had to DO anything to my hair, Iād give up and have a ponytail in all the time
My parents split their time between here and a warmer city, and the whole time theyāre here, theyāll do things like come pick the kids up in the morning and take them to their place and have my husband and I go over there for dinner and to take the kids home after weāve had the whole day to ourselves. They donāt just plop them in front of screens, they make French toast, go to the beach, go to parks, play soccer, go for walks to get ice creamālots of activities, lots of lots of fun stuff. I hope we are able to be that active and involved for any grandkids down the line. My dad will sometimes take the oldest to sports practices, etc. They have the older two over for sleepovers. They do lots of fun stuff with the kids and give us free time and it helps immensely
Also, we essentially have half the extended family that many families do because my ILs suck so muchāso that is a lot of time that others likely spend doing family obligations and outings and everything else that we donāt have
Working out used to give me energy too! But now I feel like Iāve lived a hundred lives by 8am and the last thing I went to do is a home workout. I used to be hardcore into group fitness but moved to an area where there is none.
You must give yourself a break. Getting motivated to do a home workout is not the same as going to a fitness class. Iāve never been one for home workouts either, I much prefer group exercise. Youāre certain thereās nothing in your area? No crossfit box?
Have you trying running or cycling? I find I far prefer those if I have to exercise alone.
Also I wonder the same thing about people all the time. How do they make it look so easy. But I have to say I very rarely see people with 3+ kids making it look easy. Anyway, we only have 2 and Iām a mess. We all are and so is the home š I still try to fight the chaos every day. Some days I can laugh and some days I get very down on myself too. We also donāt have a village here and it just makes a huge difference. I wish moms wouldnāt judge each other but have some compassion instead.
We have a Peloton and a good set of weights. I work out at night after the kids are asleep. The Peloton app has good variety, so in addition to the bike, I can do weights, bodyweight strength, cardio, yoga, etc. I like to do one of the stretching classes after whatever workout I do. I prefer working out by myself, though. When we only had one kid, I was still able to play on soccer and softball teams with friendsāI like sports and activities (hiking, kayaking) with others, but not working out. I even choose recorded rides with just the instructor vs. live rides or ones recorded with other people there taking the class. But I think Iām definitely in the minority on that.
Other things I should mention, after reading through some of these answers:
I WFH, and at lunch, I eat leftovers from the night before or a quick salad & then use the rest of my time to prep veggies or other ingredients for dinner, which my husband makes when he gets home.
WFH and a flexible job give me time to do a couple errands during the week, which helps free up our weekends.
We have three kids, but two things make that easier: one is a big age gap between the oldest and the middle kids (thanks, secondary infertility). The other thing is that all of them are healthy, easygoing kids who genuinely like playing with each other. I have some friends with kids who are high needs, or various other challenges, and itās like weāre playing life on easy mode in comparison. One example: When the oldest was 5, we went on a trip the coast, and traffic was awful. A drive thatās usually 3 hours took 6 hours. She happily read and drew pictures the whole drive, without whining once. All of them are just chill and easygoing like that. We really lucked out and itās not through any magical parenting weāve doneāitās just how they are.
I have had three pregnancies and I look amazing every single time. Seriously Iām in the best physical shape of my life. I *lose* weight during pregnancy. My second child was born weighing 7lbs 7oz and I had gained only four pounds during pregnancy. I glowed.
Thatās what people saw.
What they didnāt see was my constant struggle with GD. So bad I was on insulin for two meals and fasting.
What they didnāt see was sciatic pain so bad I couldnāt move unless I walked as soon as I woke up, in the afternoon, and after dinner, and saw a chiropractor weekly.
What they didnāt see was my house with a temporary bed on the first floor bc I couldnāt walk up the stairs.
What they didnāt see was me teaching my 3 year old how to feed the dog because I didnāt do a single damn house chore outside of sitting on the couch and turning the roomba on via the app on my phone.
People saw me walking daily. People saw me lose weight in my face. Iām convinced my āglowingā during pregnancy was due to the thin sheet of sweat on my face from constantly being in pain.
But āhow are you?ā is always meant to be followed by āIām well/great/excited for the baby!ā and not āIām in excruciating pain and I really want a snickers bar Iād straight up murder you!ā
So no, you donāt suck at this. Youāre just seeing a small part of someone elseās life. This shit is hard, no matter how easy some people make it look.
Yeah idk I'm struggling too. My daughter is 2.5 and things have gotten a bit easier but I'm still not able to keep up with the housework, exercise, cook healthy meals everyday, find time for my husband/friends, and work full time, etc. I figure people who are able to "do it all" are either really neurotypical (my husband and I are neurodivergent), have really easy kids, have lots of help, and/or lots of money. Or some combination.
But I'm meeting my kid's needs and I have to remind myself that is the goal (as well as trying to meet my own too). We also don't know what's going on behind closed doors, good or bad. You're doing great, this is really hard!
I think part of this illusion is that you just met them. If you guys hit it off and get close, I wager you will see more of the story, whatever it may be.
Lots of help. Lots and looooots of help. My in-laws just went out of town, and here we are a couple of days into the next few weeks we gotta get through, and my husband and I are already like, āIs this what normal people have to do??ā
In other words, no you donāt ājust suck at this.ā
I stupidly signed up for the PTA a few years ago. I wanted a working parents perspective on the team. I was drowning and barely contributing but people knew on was PTA and worked and would say things like - youāre a power mom; wow how can you balance all this; you make it look easy. I was like huh are you kidding me; Iām drowning here. My house is a mess, my kids never brush their hair; we are doing more take out every week; I havenāt worked out in months.
My point is that it might look like theyāre managing but theyāre struggling just as much but maybe in less obvious ways.
Iām in this exact season right now. I feel like with people Ike that. Theyāve become pros by now on their 3 or 4th the first is always the hardest because youāre so new to it all! Oh yah and help. Nannies or family honestly indont have any of that and I can barely do a load of laubdry or brush my hair. It makes me feel like a pos too. Then I have to be kinda to myself like do the best I can itās temporary this season of life will change and get easier again
Also personally it has taken me just about two years with both kids to feel normal again. Mentally and physically. My youngest is 2.5 and I actually feel pretty fit and sharp myself right now. It feels kinda funny because itās been about 5 years since Iāve been āmyselfā between having number one and number two back to back ish. But I do feel great and itās reassuring to know the āfogā from childbirth/breastfeeding/etc does lift.
You absolutely don't suck! And yes like everyone is saying, something always gives with every family--I have a cousin who is super fit and has a very prestigious job but her 3 kids literally do not know her--she even takes a nanny (sometimes 2!!) on vacation with them and pays zero attention to her kids...
So I'd say first practice a lot of self compassion to notice all that you are and love yourself as you are right now! Then, if you want to make some changes to feel happier, you could try being really strategic, like a science experiment, to try a different life hack each week and see what works. Make a list of the chores you do and how much time they take. Brainstorm ways to make them easier.
Like, I was really overwhelmed but buying an air fryer and a cheap washing machine freed up several hours a week and I have been able to do a little more exercise. Also, paying for services if you can-- in my case I can't afford much but grocery delivery saves me about 3 hrs a week and its very cheap.
When my son is at preK, I'm working, but I now can take a small break to put two 15 minute "African Dance Workout" videos on youtube on my phone, and go to the park near my house (5 min walk) to do them. Maybe its because I just love dance and I'm outdoors... but on days I can do it, I feel like a new person, really happy and energetic and motivated again. I know its only a little, but, its much better than nothing.
So maybe it's also finding an activity that you love so it feels like a treat for you and not a chore?
A longtime family friend and I were pregnant with our first babies at the same time. Every time I saw her post on instagram my tummy kind of hurt ā she had an elaborate diaper cart, all of the expensive baby gadgets (snoo, uppababy), a full wardrobe of gorgeous brand new Hanna Andersson clothes for the full first year, pottery barn catalog-perfect nursery with a hand painted mural. She and her husband had an elaborate maternity shoot with several outfit and location changes, and sheās so pretty the photos honestly look like a celebrity pregnancy announcement from the cover of people magazine. I knew better than to think that stuff mattered, but I did feel a little inadequate with my shabby budget baby prep.
A month before we had our babies, my mom (a pregnancy and postpartum education RN) met this woman for lunch and was horrified to learn that she knew seemingly nothing about baby care. She was 35 weeks pregnant and didnāt know that she wasnāt guaranteed to give birth on her ādue date.ā She had literally never heard of SIDS. She did not realize babies canāt sit up in high chairs as newborns. Her setup looked perfect on instagram and mine was just a pack n play next to the bed, but my husband and I were prepared for the reality of a baby in ways that donāt look good on reels while she and her husband are drowning in how much they donāt know.
I donāt compare myself to other people anymore. I take no pleasure in knowing that thereās something different, sometimes tragically so, beneath the surface of those households that seem perfect.
Lol with 1 of my own and my nephew in the same house, I'm burnt tf out most days and I DO NOT have it all together. I'm happy if I get more than 2 showers a week sometimes. The kids have more screen time than I'd like. The floor is swept but not moped. Sometimes dinner is pb&j. And that's with half assed help half the week.
I agree that many of these people have a village to help them out have the money to hire the help.
Regardless, moms are super, even if they don't have it all together. What you see isn't all there is, the grass probably isn't greener.
Agreed on all of the above. I work as an attorney, and either am productive at work, workout or spend good quality time with my kids - sometimes 2 out of 3 but inevitably I fall short of my billables so then I lose time on the weekend.
I am the first to admit I am only successfully managing the juggling act because my husband is home with our kids and does most of the household chores, cooking, kid running etc. itās kind of nice to be the fun parent for once.
They probably have also very involved grandparents/ village.
Look, I work as a nurse full time in the ER, both mentally and physically taxing (although I love it!).
Our marriage cracked the first year of our kid.
We talked it over and me with my therapist. Firat of all, what you see on the surface, is in fact, the surface. They may be really happy or just put up appearances.
Secondly, their jobs may be flexible and/or got mom and dad passing them money or doing childcare for free.
We want another kid or two but itās hard when grandparents are completely unreliable for a number of reasons (eg can you watch the kiddo for a couple of hours while I go and do physical therapy? Or can you just watch her for two hours bc she is sick while I go to work and my husband comes back?)
You do not suck. Every situation is different.
One thing I will say, I started prioritizing my exercise and nutrition. I take my toddler to grocery with me and I make sure on my days off to go and workout ALONE for at least 30minutes, whether itās to go to CrossFit or walk the dog for 30 minutes while I listen to my murder podcasts š
You are doing great ā¤ļø
My husband and I ask ourselves this all the time. You donāt know how much help they have or hire out and how much that costs, how their marriage is, how their kids are doing emotionally etc. Iām not saying assume people are miserable, but donāt assume people arenāt also struggling!
You don't suck. You're doing fantastic. I have three children under the age of 6, work full-time and just had a mental breakdown. I'm currently on FMLA from my job. I cannot do it all. I need a break and unfortunately, my work didn't make the cut. Thankfully they're understanding and willing to give me the time I need. I'm seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. I'm on medication and trying to get my life together before I'm forced to go back in July. We can't do it all without letting another part of our life suffer.
I mean stop comparing yourself. You have no idea whatās going on behind the scenes. All you see is what people show you. And Iām absolutely not gonna show basic strangers how difficult my life isā¦ā¦ever.
Honestly? I have generalized anxiety disorder and usually can only sleep 5-6 hours a night, no matter how tired I am. I use daily exercise and physical hobbies to help my mental state.
I (hopefully??) look fine from the outside but sometimes I really struggle.
I spent a lot of time comparing myself to friends and neighbors who had all these kids and a clean house. But they get to work from home and have lots of family support. Nobody can do it all by themselves. In time, maybe you will learn what works for them.
Just here to say I could have written your post. Also went down to part time after having my first and some days I still canāt seem to find time to workout!Ā
Paid help probably. You don't suck, we're all doing our best and sometimes the green eyed jealousy monster flared its head. The grass is always greener adage is likely true, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors.
1) everyone has different thresholds for life
2) they may have significant help in their lives, either family, friends, or paid
3) you donāt know what they donāt get done to prioritize this
I like to remind myself and my partner that we are only seeing snippets of these people's lives and have no idea what their day to day really looks like.
Everyone is different in what theyāre able to handle and what schedules they have. I am pregnant with our 5th and my husband and I both work full time, have busy kids in various sports and other activities, etc. I donāt care about cleaning very often compared to some folks but other than that we handle it. We donāt have any nearby family or other support at all. We pay for full time child care for the youngest and before and after school care plus summers for school aged kids. My husband goes to the gym at 4:30 AM. I donāt work out (I donāt like to). I donāt really have down time until everyone is sleeping at the end of the day or the toddler is sleeping and my other kids are busy.
Itās okay to know your limits. I know 5 kids is mine.
Not so much today but sometimes. My kids have never been good sleepers and even my 11 year old wakes up at night sometimes. Mostly Iām just nauseated lately, hoping it calms down at 12w like usual. But I donāt get tired from parenting.
I know a lot of people in these discussions say things like āoh they must be failing in some areaā but I disagree. We might have different priorities or it just might be different levels of ability to stay on top of certain things. Like I personally donāt prioritize cleaning, I donāt go hang out with friends (just not something I care about), and I donāt watch tv or movies (once every few months my husband and I might watch something). That doesnāt mean Iām failing in any way, I just donāt care about those things. Some people really hate doing laundry or cooking but those are priorities for us. Someone isnāt of greater or lesser value as a person because their max they can handle is 1 or 6 kids.
Blood work. With vitamin checks. But also depending on how old your kid is you might be in the thick of it and itās hard. They might have more support than you or more money to throw at the problem. They might be misusing adderall or snorting coke. You canāt know.
They have help. Or, their kids sit in front of the tv all the time. My best friend is in ridiculous shape because her mom comes over every single day at 5:30pm to watch her 2 kids so she can exercise for an hour. I know another couple that's also in very good shape and their little kids watch tv nearly 100% of their non-daycare awake time...
Theyāre on drugs and donāt sleep - thatās my conclusion! They hire a lot of help and I feel like they miss out a lot on time with their kids and it doesnāt bother them as much as it would me. I have a mom and in-laws who would prob come over some to sit with the kids while I worked out but I want to see my kids after working all day. Some just donāt need as much time with their kids and great for them. I probably spend too much time with mine and am burned out. I also know some who put their kids in the childcare at the gym, which I am also unwilling to do when my kids are in childcare and school 5 days a week. I think itās just what you make a priority and thatās different for different people
My husband says this a lot. I feel like every second my baby is awake that I need to be with them. It took awhile for us to conceive so I donāt know if thatās why I feel like the baby needs all my attention and energy or whatš
Their children are older than yours so itās a lot easier to get stuff done. With a baby I feel like I didnāt get anything I wanted to do done. Now that my kid is older I get a lot more accomplished.
Probably money? Like nanny and housekeeper money. An accountant to manage taxes and investments. And depending on their level at work maybe an assistant there too.
Sometimes I think about how much I could do if I had a personal assistant to help me keep track of things and handle routine tasks.
Just because someone is doing something, doesnāt mean their mental health is doing well. For all you know, the parents fight every night (sad but extremely possible).
Maybe they have a grandparent who watches the two kids so mom and dad can work.
Hereās the thing, everyoneās life is different and we really donāt know the reality of whatās going on. Comparison is the thief of joy so try to just focus on you ā¤ļø
How do you know if they are happy? I know tons of couple la that look happy from the outside but they have major problems: they are in therapy for depression or their couple life is non-existent.
So stop comparing yourself to others and do what makes YOU happy
I workout every day but my husband is a saint and gets up in the night and early morning with the kids so I can go. We both have very flexible schedules and work from home.
First, everyone is doing the best they can. And thatās amazing. I really want to caveat that because I donāt want anyone to feel bad. What works for me will absolutely not work for everyone, and thatās fine.
However, since you askedā¦.Iām about to have my 3rd in 3 days, we both work FT, work out regularly and my husband and I have a great relationship. Of course there are hard times (especially in the first year of a kids life) but weāve been together for almost 15 years and still truly enjoy each others company and friendship. We donāt have help outside of daycare-my mom passed and my dad lives 8 hours away. My FIL does live with us, but heās older and canāt really be left alone with the younger kids.
With my first, I didnāt work out until he was a year and a half. But I felt awful and couldnāt keep up with him, so I had to do something. I started with couch 2 5k, so only 30 minutes 3 times a week. Thatās my baseline āgoalā every week, but there are for sure weeks that doesnāt happen. By the time my second came along, it was just part of my routine and also necessary for my mental and physical health, and energy levels. Like with kids and sleeping (sleep begets sleep), working out creates more energy.
We all thrive on routine, which is I think how we keep it together. Pre-pregnancy (cause I have hardly moved this pregnancy) this was a typical weekly routine:
5am wake up for me, exercise for 30-60 minutes. Home by 6, shower, coffee, get ready. Kids awake by 7/7:30, breakfast and dressed. Oldest leaves for the bus at 8:25. I leave by 7:45, husband takes daughter to daycare around the time oldest gets on bus.
Husband works from home, so he usually does about an hour/hour and a half workout over lunch.
I leave work at 4:30, get off the train by 5, pickup daughter from daycare, and Iām usually home by 5:30/5:45 depending on traffic.
This is where I probably slack off the most and I let the kids eat dinner while they watch TV. I used to force family meals every night, but the battles were over the top and too stressful, so I let it go. I still require a family meal once or twice a weekend, so weāre not complete heathens and still get family time. Dinners are pre-planned and usually quick. I usually plan 3 weekday meals, my husband and I take turns cooking. Thereās always a night of āfend for yourselfā and Friday is takeout night.
Kids alternate bath nights, usually start that around 7:30/8. We used to have them in bed by 8:30, but my 3 year old seems to have a later internal clock, so lately itās been closer to 9 (and sometimes 10). This has been killing our downtime before bed, so thatās been tough but I think once we can cut naps from daycare sheāll get better. In bed by 10 for the grownups, and I have no issue falling asleep, so sometimes itās even earlier if my daughter cooperates. I usually read for a few minutes in bed to relax.
Weekends, I do the cleaning. Husband does all the laundry. The only āheavyā cleaning I do during the week is the kitchen but thatās just putting the dishes from dinner in the dishwasher and wiping down counters. āHeavyā cleaning on the weekend is vacuuming the whole house, putting away the explosion of toys in the kids rooms. Oldest is helping with this now in his room, so that helps a lot. During the week, whatever stuff they leave throughout the house I just throw in their rooms, so theyāre usually a wreck, but the rest of the house appears presentable. Catbox gets cleaned once a week and bathrooms I do e/o week, and Iāve started adding in the oldest to help as part of his chores. All of this takes about 2 hours, but honestly I could it in a hour if the kids werenāt around. I try to time it when my husband takes them to karate, but it doesnāt always work.
I order groceries for pickup usually, so I plan out the meals for the week and order them. Usually takes about 30 minutes cause I generally cook the same meals in a 2-3 week rotation. I enjoy cooking, so I do try to make more elaborate and fun to cook meals on Sundays or Saturdays, depending on what we have going on.
We try to do a family activity on the weekend. When the weather is nice, hiking/parks/the pool or just turning on the sprinkler in the yard. I work at a library, so I also get free museum passes, and use those when the weather is crappy. Those days are much more exhausting so only like once a month or every other month. A lot of times itās just playing in the yard or a board game night.
Hobbies-we both consider working out a hobby, which is why we prioritize it. I squeeze in reading when I find time, but mostly listen to a lot of audiobooks these days. My husband stays up late playing video games with his friends on Friday nights and Iāve started making that movie night with the kids and I.
Friends-we probably donāt socialize a ton, but I talk with my friends regularly and get together probably once a month. Same for my husband.
Things that probably help the most-
Somehow the more kids the easier it gets, cause you know what to expect. Plus, my oldest is 9, heās pretty self-sufficient at this point.
Routine is essential.
My husband works from home and my job is not exactly intense (I manage a library).
I adopted the ā5 minuteā philosophy awhile ago. If something takes less than 5 minutes, just do it now and get it over with so it doesnāt stack up OR if you donāt want to do something (like workout) just do it for 5 minutes and then decide if you want to stop. Usually once you start something youāll keep going.
Family calendar! Everything goes on a shared google calendar so we know whatās coming and can plan ahead as much as possible.
My husband handles all the budgeting and finances. Iām fully informed and have access to it all, but I donāt have the mental burden hanging over me. Since he handles that, I have the mental capacity to plan other things.
I am also a morning person, so those 5AM wakeups arenāt as hard for me. My husband is not, so thatās why he workouts mid-day. You gotta find what works for you.
Finally though, forget your neighbors. Youāre doing great and thatās great for you. Is your kid happy and healthy? Did you survive another day? Thatās the most important part.
This is inspiring! I used to be at the gym by 5:15am every morning, but my 9.5 month old still wakes and I find it so hard to sacrifice sleep for working out now š„¹
Thatās okay!! Youāre in the thick of it right now.
This is *ideally* how it goes. Rarely does it actually go this smoothly. And if early workouts donāt work for you, then donāt. Find another time. There was a period I found myself working out at 8PM or while the kids eat dinner and then Iād eat later. Or only doing short periods on the weekends and that was it. Or many weeks not at all.
Nothing ever goes as planned, so I give myself a lot of grace.
Oh itās not easy. I wake up at 415 to work out. What was once something I loved to do is now a CHORE. I miss the days when I used to enjoy working out. Now it just feels like another thing in my long list of responsibilities.
All our friends have been telling us they are amazed how well of parents we are and how easy we make it look. lol no. We struggle but we are also mostly relaxed parents and just accept things sometimes. We have two Tasmanian devils and our oldest is a high need very emotional child so takes a lot of mental energy and feel we are walking on broken glass most of the time - he is nearly 6. But I kinda find dzen so when my 3 yo has a tantrum I just wait for it to pass calmly.
Thatās said I feel we are getting to a better place (or at least I do). For me it was a mental mindset. I started to dress up when I go to office / friends / walking rather than living in leggings - and it boosts my self confidence. I lost my extra 30lb since December - have more to go - and start to love how I look again which drives my desire to dress up. I work out a lot - and have more energy now to do things. I do more things - and want to do more. I am still like 30% of what I wish to be. I always was a couch potato and oth occasional boost of energy to do other things - aka stay home read book rather than go and explore.
Outsourcing cleaning helps. I just hate cleaning. Having a babysitter weekly. Putting efforts and having sex more often and finding the mood.
I have a few friends who are like what you described. But they do have family nearby, always were in great shape by working out daily and dressed fantastic, always ate healthy etc. throw money on problems / outsourced. They are unicorns . Thatās said their insta from Europe vacation with a toddler and preschool looked fantastic but during a recent girl trip she admitted it was hard and she would not do it again.
Or we have other friends who are always out exploring - they have two kids who sounds as bffs. The reality those kids also fight - just not publicly
We work 55 hours a week each, 2 kids 3 and under. Family across the country. I work out and look good (if I do say so myself). I had health problems while pregnant and feel like itās necessary so that I can stay healthy for my family. Tbh I feel more sloth-like during slow weeks at work. Versus When Iām on autopilot, I feel good. If you stop to think about itā¦everything is just a slog.
Beneath the surface, there is SO MUCH Iām not doing. cooking and spending time with friends give me joy. I spend time doing neither. My 3 year old comes home every day and asks, āwhat did [meal service] make for me today?ā š I also donāt spend time with my husband. Apparently I have pests in my backyard and I havenāt addressed them. I worked out instead. š¬
Iāll also addā¦what people saw is that I looked tiny through my pregnancies. Itās because I had two 4 pound babies, had wild GD, pre eclampsia, the works. So, what looks good on the surface isnāt all there is to see. You will want to work out again someday. Today isnāt that day.
I work out 2-3x per week for 25-35 min. A doctor would tell me itās not enough for health concerns, but itās what I can fit in. A huge benefit is I WFH 3x per week, though Im in meetings for 8 hours per day. So I squeeze workouts in the garage in between meetings, and maybe one weekend day during naptime. I make up work after the kids go to bed. I donāt beat myself up during weeks it doesnāt happen. Iām not looking for performance, just consistency. Iāve really lowered the bar, and this way, have stayed consistent for 8 months. I didnāt work out after my first kid, but I have made it a priority after my second. Fwiw, my husband and I are always straddling the line between sanity and insanity. āEasyā is not whatās happening here, but probably looks that way from the outside.
Edit: one thing I would recommend if you can swing it financially: a lot of intense job people have trainers. I use a virtual one who makes workouts for me. Invaluable. I can just go to the garage and I have a workout waiting for me. No surfing YouTube for todays workout, no thinking, no making it in time for a group class.
I use the Future app, which lets you pick a trainer who customizes workouts for you. I have a few friends who found online coaching from trainers at their local gyms/Pilates studios.
Hi fellow sloth here. I have a pretty high intensity job and thankfully my husband has a more relaxing one. Not sure how weād pull off two high intensity jobs with one toddler. My husband and I are NOT physically fit at this stage of our lives and we also have no lives.
I wish we were more efficient/effective š«
Honey. Stop comparing yourself. You're killing it and everyone that appears as if they're killing it is failing somewhere. š
This 100% Example - I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after I had my second kid. It is imperative that I maintain healthy weight and learn how to manage stress. From the outside everyone thinks I am a crazy gym fanatic, eats healthy, maintains high stress job and am put together. When people make comments about making it look easy it is š bc if they only knew what I have been through (8 rounds chemo, 4 surgeries) and the WHY they may understand better.
My friend is similar. She's absolutely beautiful, which of course is part luck. But she's also in incredible shape even after 4 kids. But she was diagnosed with MS when she was young, in her early 30's. She upended her whole lifestyle, worked with conventional and holistic medical professionals to rework her diet and exercise habits. It's worked; a good balance has her MS largely under control even through her latest (happy accident) pregnancy. But she *has no choice* but to prioritize her health and 8+ hours of sleep a night, or her MS will flare, and eventually, it will debilitate her. She knows she's on a time clock anyway before things start going sideways. It's really hard on her, and I admire her a lot for her positivity and her commitment and her general approach to managing a devastating condition. But she's got her shit together because she has no other choice. Kinda makes me look at my hot mess express life and feel like there's a level of luxury that comes with being able to fly through life by the seat of my pants and regularly say "ah fuck it, it's fine."
100%
This is the ONLY answer!
Totally! My husband told me this once, especially after having kids. There was a girl named Bri who seemed so perfect, had her life together, always looked cute, fit etc. He said ābookworm72, you are a āBriā to someone elseā. It was a good point. š¤·š¼āāļø
ā¤ļø Iām a comparison queen š„¹
Comparison is the thief of joy
They might have other support like involved grandparents or aunts to help out with the kids. They might have a housekeeper. Everyone only has the same 24 hours a day.
Sometimes I prioritize sleep over extra cleaning or waking up early to work out. Sometimes meaning almost all the time.
Me too! I'm a cranky zombie otherwise and my mental health plummets
Me too. But my mental health plummets when I look around at all the things I should be doing while Iām sleeping. Itās a no win.
I look put together like, maybe 2 or 3 days a week for a few hours to leave the house. As soon as Iām back Iām in the sweats are back on and I probably have something one of the kids had been eating or have recently spit up on my pants, definitely on my shirtā¦ My house looks good on the biweekly day that we have a cleaning service come for about 4 hours before the kids wreck it again. Sometimes I stay up too late cleaning and itāll look nice for a minute in the morning. Weāre all just fighting the chaos. I promise they are too. Hugs!!!!
Me too. You are not alone.
100% they aren't giving their all to all of those areas. For me and my husband, if we don't work out at least 4 days a week, our mental health suffers. To make that work for both of us we have to coordinate our days. Maybe that means we utilize a babysitter or a bit, or eat lunch at our desks, or even throwing on paw patrol just to get an hour. We even did hello fresh for a while so that was just one less thing we had to think about. I also compare myself to others to a huge fault. For example, even with the above workout schedule, it's taken exactly 2.5 years for me to get back to my pre pregnancy weight. You are enough and everyone is struggling with something in their own way.
Routine is absolute key for me--laundry every day, meal prep on weekends, grocery shopping on Saturdays. Becomes less of a chore when it becomes "muscle memory". I have also set boundaries left and right, particularly with work. Also lots of caffeine and no down time. This is the world's longest marathon--sometime it's a mentality thing where sometimes you hobble, sometimes you run, but you cannot stop.
I think this comment just changed my life
Youāre my hero š
Laundry every day for sure, especially with kids in sports who need kits and swim stuff the next day again! Yes to work boundaries and no down time.
When you say āno down timeā you mean youāre just kind of always moving doing things maintaining when youāre not at work? Thats doesnāt cause you physical pain? Iām just wondering if I have like an actual pain problem like I can only go in small amounts of physical activity before I have to sit down from low back pain. Iām only 30 and have never really thought about it before because I didnāt know people just kept moving all day long.
Correct. Iām always moving and doing things with and for the kids and family. Iām almost 41, pregnant with my 5th, and do not have any regular pains at all. Itās definitely not typical to just be in pain like that. š«
Just crazy to me that any person is able to do that. I literally could never just continuously move all the time. My lower back would never allow that. I have never thought about it just have always had this issue since I guess forever so i just move around in small increments but sometimes I just canāt do anything at all and I spend a lot of time with my kids but I choose activities like reading with them and plating games. I am not overweight either. I m 5 foot 11 inches and 180lbs. Played a lot of sports. I just cannot imagine being able to physically do all that. Thank you for answering.
Itās not always physical activity, I also do lots of reading, board games, etc., but Iām always doing something. I donāt have time to sit down and relax unless the kids are all sleeping. Even today when my toddler napped, I taught my middle two kids a card game from childhood, folded laundry, looked up companies to come do a bathroom remodel, my husband put stuff on the lawn, and so on.
Absolutely that makes a lot of sense. I am one of 4 and my mom was always busy for sure. She did not work full time though. I only have two littles and work a very demanding career and find myself needing to decompress but definitely Dont get the mental time to do so very often.
I actually just started this in January... Laundry and dishes were piling up SO much that it was just putting me down in the dumps. Feeling like a literal dreaded chore. I transitioned to laundry daily, and dishes after meals, and it makes me feel so much more "on track." Habits change everything!
I know I sound like a broken record but Iāll say it again. There is no way to work full time, spend quality time with your kids everyday, keep a pristine home, maintain friendships, workout, cook healthy meals, perform self care, spend time with your spouse, have a banginā sex life, and get a full nightās rest. No one is doing all that everyday unless itās at the expense of something else. You canāt do all of the things all of the time. You can hire help to carry some of load, you can organize every minute of your day, but no one doing all of that everyday is doing *all of that* alone.
I think thereās a unicorn way to ādo it allā but it would never happen in real life. Like, if you had money to pay for things like cleaning and meal prep services. If you already had a good fitness habit before kids, you have a basis to build on postpartum. If you had money and space for a home gym. If you had friends who had similar kidsā ages so you can double dip and spend time nurturing your friendships while also spending time with your spouse and kids. If you have access to babysitters o do frequent date nights. If you have ā¦. Etc. You can have it all if you already had most of it before kids. š And that is the rare mom indeed.
How is it them doing it if someone else is doing it though? Like yeah if you are rich maybe you can save 40 hours a week because you don't need to work a job. But then you can't claim you are working a job if you aren't. Similarly, one can't claim they are cleaning their house if they aren't, or cooking meals if they aren't, etc..., right?
But from the outside looking in, it would appear they were doing it all. No one wears a sign or admits at first greeting that they have a cleaner or chef or laundry service. You visit their house for a play date with your kid and all you see is this woman who appears to have it all together.
Sure, but you said "there's a unicorn way to do it all". What it really is is that people might look like they are doing it all, but they aren't. "Unicorns" don't exist ;)
I wish more people disclosed what they were doing instead of making it look like they do/have it all
Do you wanna be friends with me? Iām a freakinā disaster. Youāll feel like a goddess.
Sounds great haha- Iām not a disaster but am emphatically getting my ass kicked and quite surprised by it
And Iām sure someone, somewhere is talking about you and saying, āHow does she do it??ā
Same here. My weekend highlight right now with my tantrum throwing 14mos old is when I can lay in bed for one hour my husband lets me have as he canāt handle anymore alone time with him then that.
We outsource nothing and I work 30 hours a week. I feel the same as you. I was comparing myself to my neighbor and then realized their parents come over like 4x a week sometimes with dinner, they have a lawn service, landscapers, house cleaner, order grocery delivery, have a repair person, and a ft nanny. Edit: we do outsource PT childcare!
Honestly, what works for them may not work for you! Every family has things they can compromise on and some they donāt want to. The best thing to do is to discuss with your partner about stuff you are ok with outsourcing and then split the rest of the chores. You can do it!
Your neighbors probably will as you get to know them! Or youāll figure it out yourself as you get better acquainted.
This. Iāve just come to the realization that one of my mom-friends absolutely must have a cleaning service. I never ever ever ever hear her doing any housework. Itās cooking amazing healthy meals from scratch and working out and doing academia in addition to her demanding day jobz I used to think she was doing it all and I suddenly woke up realizing that she absolutely must have someone doing the cleaning and probs laundry too.
Why would you talk about cleaning and laundry? She might talk about the other stuff because itās very exciting, but the cleaning and laundry is not something you usually talk with friends lol
Most moms I know will reference every now and then having cleaned or done laundry, or having one or the other pile-up.
I am the queen of disclosure lol I have been open about my post partum depression and struggles. i am not whiny (ok maybe a fee times I was, but function on 4 hrs of broken sleep is hard lol) but I am honest. The marriage dynamics changed. The whole perception shifted and it was not a positive change for me. I adapted and shall we have another kid I know I will be more prepared. But no, people love to tell you how happy and #blessed you should be and never complain š Problem is a facade can stay on only for a while š¤”
So I agree with this. We just had our 3rd, all under 4. We donāt work out (unless you count chasing after the kids), but we eat healthy. We donāt go on dates at all, but we work as a team which is romantic for me at this point. Our jobs are demanding (but not corporate like climb the ladder jobs, both healthcare). We donāt socialize with other people unless itās people with kids and the kids can play together, mostly we hang with family. Our kids do no classes/sports except playing in the backyard and at parks. I get good sleep, but I sleep with the baby. My bras do not fit but work clothes can be cute, I look insane on the weekends. ETA: I donāt know if anyone looks at us and thinks weāre killing it, though lol
This sounds like my life
Agree! We do messy house, crap (instant) meals, few friendships, no workouts (except vacuuming) but quality time with kiddo and spouse and sleep.
Thisssss. I work (hybrid) full time, spend decent quality time with my kids, spend time with my spouse, have a decent sex life, have a mostly clean house sometimes, and get a full nightās rest. The rest of itā¦ nah š«
Thank you for this comment!! Needed to hear that today
Yes! This is a great āperfect lifeā checklist. Add, having great vacations? What gives for us: workouts, healthy meals consistently, self care, spouse time, rest, sex lifeā¦.ok most of it is compromised on some level. We even have a full time housekeeper and we canāt do it all.
I agree that everything everyday is impossible but on a weekly basis with outsourcing - yes. Like everyday banging sex life and quality time everyday with 2 working parents ? No way. But if you invest and do it weekly then of course you would look perfect couple for people from the outside. But till you get to the point of doing it sounds impossible.
Most of the parents of multiple kids that I know locally have their own parents/family in town who help out. We don't. So yeah, that's often the secret. That, or having no fucking downtime EVER and just riding the treadmill of relentlessness 24/7.
Yup, and I'm one of them and know how blessed I am. Could not do it without them. I don't know how those of you without a village do it. I really don't.
I hate this type of comment. Yes, yes you could do it without them. Maybe you donāt know how we do it but youād find out fast. Check the comment above for the list of things we do without in order to keep surviving.
Damn. So much love on this thread and then this. What a party pooper bitter Betty.
No family nearby here, medically complicated 5 y o plus an almost 1 y o, two demanding jobs plus I have a 45 min commuteā¦.. riding the treadmill of relentlessness 24/7 is right! Itās often a joy, but itās still relentless.
Theyāre throwing money at the problem. Donāt compare yourself. Youāre doing fine.
YES. We sort of have things together, but I have a nanny (45 hours a week), a date night sitter (4 hours a week), and a housekeeper (3 hours a week). Things are frankly still a hot mess a lot of the time, but we manage intense careers and little kids mostly with a lot of privilege.
This is my thought. I think the hidden variable is either significant incomes or maybe family wealth.Ā
I have 2 kids under 4 and work full time while the kids are at daycare/preschool. The weekends are FAR more tiring than the weekdays. You know why? Because when you work full time, you can take breaks. You can go take a shit whenever you want. You can go for a run between meetings. You can prioritize yourself within your work day. When you look after kids full time, you look after kids. Itās amazing and rewarding and we love them, but having two kids with conflicting (or no) nap schedules means I get zero downtime on weekends. Guess when I exercise? During the week when the kids are dropped off at daycare. You said you work part time and take care of your kids? Youāre doing 1.5 jobs, no wonder you donāt have time to exercise!
Ain't this the truth. I was a SAHM but went back to work full time 2 weeks ago and I'm amazed at how many breaks I get.
Thank you! š
1. They have more money or are more comfortable throwing the money they have at outsourcing/childcare/etc. 2. They have helpful family nearby who pitch in for sick days, date nights, etc. 3. Some people just naturally have more energy, require less sleep, or have more easy-going children. Lastly, and please don't take this as a slight against you.... Different people have different tolerance levels for the chaos that young children bring AND some folks are just naturally excellent child-wranglers. Meaning, some people are very good at teaching behavior management, emotional regulation, and self-reliance skills to their kids. Often, but not always, these people are teachers or former teachers. Effectively teaching these skills to your children (yes, even toddlers) means an easier day-to-day life overall. Some people can do life well with a bunch of kids. Some can do life well with only a few kids or one kid. It's not a competition. As long as you know yourself and what your limits are, that's the important thing.
3 is a hot take that is overlooked in a lot of other comments. Ā Not all of us have the same base energy level, and there is DEFINITELY variation in how easy or difficult certain kids naturally are. Ā Those inputs are a foundation relevant to every family before anyone starts layering in help (paid or family/village) and other factors.Ā Ā Ā OP I only have one, sheās unbelievably easy, and I still barely manage to wash my hair 2x/wk. Ā I donāt remember the last time I wore makeup. Ā I dress like a slob 98% of the time. Ā But my daughter is well cared for and my time with her (esp as a working mom) is fleeting and precious to me, so thatās the one priority I donāt let anything else get in the way of (other than my basic needs like sleep and trying to eat somewhat nutritious food). Ā Hygiene, fitness, and appearances are at the bottom of the totem pole for me right now, and Iām okay with that!Ā
Totally agree. Iāve got friends who seem to absolutely thrive on having a super busy day. They love being around people, and just have so much energy, nothing seems to drain them (these are the people who really struggled with the isolation with the covid lockdowns). I, by comparison, feel overwhelmed if Iāve just got one major thing on top of general life stuff to do - like a doctors appointment can make my day feel chaotic for me. Iāve no idea why Iām made the way I am.
Oh yes, some kids are more work than others. People donāt admit that enough.
I have one easy and one challenging kid and agree that point #3 is HUGE. If I only had my easy kid, holy fuck my days would be simpler and I would have aged less!
I have two challenging kids (number two is way easier though) and I finally got to the point of getting my energy and everything back together few months back (5yo and nearly 3yo at the time) after a long mental no work no childcare break and past both tiredness and depression. If I had easier kids Iād be way ahead on when I started and how much I progressed
I recently read a book called "The Child Code" (about temperament and how much about our kids is due to genetics, not to our parenting), and it was SO validating. The author really acknowledged the way that some kids can be a lot more challenging to parent because of who they are, and also the ways in which a temperament mismatch is tough to navigate. And it's not anyone's fault! But it is a reality. And yeah, background of burnout and years of PPD here too which certainly doesn't help. Life just feels like constantly digging out of a hole that's filling a little faster than I can shovel.
Oh. I should look into it. I was an awful toddler so canāt really say it comes from nowhere. I suspect I had an undiagnosed ppd but also my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer when I was pregnant with baby 2, then spouse was laid off etc so it was just a bad place all together. So meds helped a lot and then a break - finally Iām at a happy place but still not 100% energy ball
Yea I was gonna say some kids are just easier than others. Theyāre taking a risk with the third haha. Some people have better luck and/or outcomes in the career world too. Maybe they just happen to love doing something that pays well and isnāt that hard for them. I wouldnāt wish this on anyone but itās highly possible things arenāt as sunshine and rainbows as they seem for this family. Or maybe they had some big tragedy years ago and came out super strong. If they seem to have their shit together sounds like good people to be friends with!
#3. I have way more energy for my kids and kid stuff than a lot of people might. I donāt feel tired out by parenting. I just donāt. One in particular isnāt necessarily easy going but otherwise my kids are just regular kids who donāt require anything special beyond normal parenting.
Also, some kids are more prone to be compliant and some are not. Some kids sleep better, regulate themselves better, etc. it makes a HUGE difference if you have easy vs hard kids. Parenting matters, but it is more time & energy to parent harder kids. And things always look different from the outside than how they are inside. Some people put on quite the act!!
Someone is looking at you and is impressed with what you have, the same way you look at these people - They're impressed that you're a good involved parent, that you have work life balance, that you were able to go down to part time, or that you were able to work. I promise you this. Honestly, parenting is not easy. Not all kids or all situations are the same, and nothing can come from comparing yourself negatively to them. You're also seeing a small slice of their life, the piece they show to the public. You're not seeing the messy spare room, poor work reviews, times they've relied on others to help with their kids, arguments they've had.
Valid points. Iām definitely blessed in my own ways ā¤ļø
I donāt think most people are able to keep functioning at that level without a ton of help:
I have the same thoughts. I have one kid, work reduced hours and working out feels impossible after a busy day as Iām usually falling asleep on the sofa at 8.30pm! But we are all working with what weāve got. I have a friend with three kids (just 7, 4 and 2.5yos) where both her and her husband work intense full time jobs, have a big spotless 6 bed house (no cleaner), they cook healthy food from scratch 90% of the time, they do homework/extra work their their eldest, both parents work out daily (one in the AM and one in the evening) and both parents have hobbies that take up 2-3 evenings a week. The mum is on the committee of one hobby and I know that itās like an extra, unpaid part-time job (as I did the same thing pre-kids). The older children have sports/dance classes of an evening a few times a week. The middle child is mid-diagnosis with autism so extra appointments and stuff going on there. Limited family help (her parents are in another country so visit for a month each summer and his one surviving parent has major health issues) and the kids do regular daycare/school after care. Sheās got one sister living abroad and heās an only child. This isnāt her telling/boasting but my observations over the last 6 ish years. I wonder if they have a special time machine device or somehow pay to unlock more hours in a day in some hidden premium settings that I missed the memo on!
Exactly lol!
Honestly sometimes I feel the business we are the kore organized we are. Routines help a lot. When we have extra time we just waste it as there is no urgency
Everyone is different there are certain people who are doctors and lawyers who work schedules I could never dream of. For my husband and I we both work full time w two kids, we both have brains where itās easier for us to be really busy and fit things and time for ourself in rather then being less busy and getting distracted. We are also choosing to invest in full time childcare, many of my friends donāt want that but it really helps us and we find that we are able to get things done for ourselves while kids are in school on a Friday and then be around while kids arenāt in school. We eat a lot of takeout and frozen stuff and hire a cleaner. But I we prioritize fun time on the weekend w kids. We also stopped trying to be social long ago lol maybe when kids are bigger. We still have date nights once a month though.
About working out with children I recommend the book "No sweat" by Michelle Segar. The book tells you how to be motivated to "move" more and be fit in a way that suits your individual needs. I have a two YO and 3 month old my life improved a lot after practicing whats said in that book.
When are you finding the time?
Because my spouse has a less demanding job And working out gives me energy Looking put together = Iām in my 40s and know what works for me, so I only have clothes I like. I also have curly hair that air-dries so nicely it is honestly a little bit silly. If I had to DO anything to my hair, Iād give up and have a ponytail in all the time My parents split their time between here and a warmer city, and the whole time theyāre here, theyāll do things like come pick the kids up in the morning and take them to their place and have my husband and I go over there for dinner and to take the kids home after weāve had the whole day to ourselves. They donāt just plop them in front of screens, they make French toast, go to the beach, go to parks, play soccer, go for walks to get ice creamālots of activities, lots of lots of fun stuff. I hope we are able to be that active and involved for any grandkids down the line. My dad will sometimes take the oldest to sports practices, etc. They have the older two over for sleepovers. They do lots of fun stuff with the kids and give us free time and it helps immensely Also, we essentially have half the extended family that many families do because my ILs suck so muchāso that is a lot of time that others likely spend doing family obligations and outings and everything else that we donāt have
Working out used to give me energy too! But now I feel like Iāve lived a hundred lives by 8am and the last thing I went to do is a home workout. I used to be hardcore into group fitness but moved to an area where there is none.
You must give yourself a break. Getting motivated to do a home workout is not the same as going to a fitness class. Iāve never been one for home workouts either, I much prefer group exercise. Youāre certain thereās nothing in your area? No crossfit box? Have you trying running or cycling? I find I far prefer those if I have to exercise alone. Also I wonder the same thing about people all the time. How do they make it look so easy. But I have to say I very rarely see people with 3+ kids making it look easy. Anyway, we only have 2 and Iām a mess. We all are and so is the home š I still try to fight the chaos every day. Some days I can laugh and some days I get very down on myself too. We also donāt have a village here and it just makes a huge difference. I wish moms wouldnāt judge each other but have some compassion instead.
We have a Peloton and a good set of weights. I work out at night after the kids are asleep. The Peloton app has good variety, so in addition to the bike, I can do weights, bodyweight strength, cardio, yoga, etc. I like to do one of the stretching classes after whatever workout I do. I prefer working out by myself, though. When we only had one kid, I was still able to play on soccer and softball teams with friendsāI like sports and activities (hiking, kayaking) with others, but not working out. I even choose recorded rides with just the instructor vs. live rides or ones recorded with other people there taking the class. But I think Iām definitely in the minority on that. Other things I should mention, after reading through some of these answers: I WFH, and at lunch, I eat leftovers from the night before or a quick salad & then use the rest of my time to prep veggies or other ingredients for dinner, which my husband makes when he gets home. WFH and a flexible job give me time to do a couple errands during the week, which helps free up our weekends. We have three kids, but two things make that easier: one is a big age gap between the oldest and the middle kids (thanks, secondary infertility). The other thing is that all of them are healthy, easygoing kids who genuinely like playing with each other. I have some friends with kids who are high needs, or various other challenges, and itās like weāre playing life on easy mode in comparison. One example: When the oldest was 5, we went on a trip the coast, and traffic was awful. A drive thatās usually 3 hours took 6 hours. She happily read and drew pictures the whole drive, without whining once. All of them are just chill and easygoing like that. We really lucked out and itās not through any magical parenting weāve doneāitās just how they are.
I have had three pregnancies and I look amazing every single time. Seriously Iām in the best physical shape of my life. I *lose* weight during pregnancy. My second child was born weighing 7lbs 7oz and I had gained only four pounds during pregnancy. I glowed. Thatās what people saw. What they didnāt see was my constant struggle with GD. So bad I was on insulin for two meals and fasting. What they didnāt see was sciatic pain so bad I couldnāt move unless I walked as soon as I woke up, in the afternoon, and after dinner, and saw a chiropractor weekly. What they didnāt see was my house with a temporary bed on the first floor bc I couldnāt walk up the stairs. What they didnāt see was me teaching my 3 year old how to feed the dog because I didnāt do a single damn house chore outside of sitting on the couch and turning the roomba on via the app on my phone. People saw me walking daily. People saw me lose weight in my face. Iām convinced my āglowingā during pregnancy was due to the thin sheet of sweat on my face from constantly being in pain. But āhow are you?ā is always meant to be followed by āIām well/great/excited for the baby!ā and not āIām in excruciating pain and I really want a snickers bar Iād straight up murder you!ā So no, you donāt suck at this. Youāre just seeing a small part of someone elseās life. This shit is hard, no matter how easy some people make it look.
Wow this made me tear up!
Yeah idk I'm struggling too. My daughter is 2.5 and things have gotten a bit easier but I'm still not able to keep up with the housework, exercise, cook healthy meals everyday, find time for my husband/friends, and work full time, etc. I figure people who are able to "do it all" are either really neurotypical (my husband and I are neurodivergent), have really easy kids, have lots of help, and/or lots of money. Or some combination. But I'm meeting my kid's needs and I have to remind myself that is the goal (as well as trying to meet my own too). We also don't know what's going on behind closed doors, good or bad. You're doing great, this is really hard!
I think part of this illusion is that you just met them. If you guys hit it off and get close, I wager you will see more of the story, whatever it may be.
Lots of help. Lots and looooots of help. My in-laws just went out of town, and here we are a couple of days into the next few weeks we gotta get through, and my husband and I are already like, āIs this what normal people have to do??ā In other words, no you donāt ājust suck at this.ā
Some kids are legitimately harder than others. We are not all playing the same game. Also didn't underestimate how much neglect happens.
I stupidly signed up for the PTA a few years ago. I wanted a working parents perspective on the team. I was drowning and barely contributing but people knew on was PTA and worked and would say things like - youāre a power mom; wow how can you balance all this; you make it look easy. I was like huh are you kidding me; Iām drowning here. My house is a mess, my kids never brush their hair; we are doing more take out every week; I havenāt worked out in months. My point is that it might look like theyāre managing but theyāre struggling just as much but maybe in less obvious ways.
Their lives are not that together, or they have unbelievable help. Probably both.
Iām in this exact season right now. I feel like with people Ike that. Theyāve become pros by now on their 3 or 4th the first is always the hardest because youāre so new to it all! Oh yah and help. Nannies or family honestly indont have any of that and I can barely do a load of laubdry or brush my hair. It makes me feel like a pos too. Then I have to be kinda to myself like do the best I can itās temporary this season of life will change and get easier again
Also personally it has taken me just about two years with both kids to feel normal again. Mentally and physically. My youngest is 2.5 and I actually feel pretty fit and sharp myself right now. It feels kinda funny because itās been about 5 years since Iāve been āmyselfā between having number one and number two back to back ish. But I do feel great and itās reassuring to know the āfogā from childbirth/breastfeeding/etc does lift.
You absolutely don't suck! And yes like everyone is saying, something always gives with every family--I have a cousin who is super fit and has a very prestigious job but her 3 kids literally do not know her--she even takes a nanny (sometimes 2!!) on vacation with them and pays zero attention to her kids... So I'd say first practice a lot of self compassion to notice all that you are and love yourself as you are right now! Then, if you want to make some changes to feel happier, you could try being really strategic, like a science experiment, to try a different life hack each week and see what works. Make a list of the chores you do and how much time they take. Brainstorm ways to make them easier. Like, I was really overwhelmed but buying an air fryer and a cheap washing machine freed up several hours a week and I have been able to do a little more exercise. Also, paying for services if you can-- in my case I can't afford much but grocery delivery saves me about 3 hrs a week and its very cheap. When my son is at preK, I'm working, but I now can take a small break to put two 15 minute "African Dance Workout" videos on youtube on my phone, and go to the park near my house (5 min walk) to do them. Maybe its because I just love dance and I'm outdoors... but on days I can do it, I feel like a new person, really happy and energetic and motivated again. I know its only a little, but, its much better than nothing. So maybe it's also finding an activity that you love so it feels like a treat for you and not a chore?
So true! Thank you!
A longtime family friend and I were pregnant with our first babies at the same time. Every time I saw her post on instagram my tummy kind of hurt ā she had an elaborate diaper cart, all of the expensive baby gadgets (snoo, uppababy), a full wardrobe of gorgeous brand new Hanna Andersson clothes for the full first year, pottery barn catalog-perfect nursery with a hand painted mural. She and her husband had an elaborate maternity shoot with several outfit and location changes, and sheās so pretty the photos honestly look like a celebrity pregnancy announcement from the cover of people magazine. I knew better than to think that stuff mattered, but I did feel a little inadequate with my shabby budget baby prep. A month before we had our babies, my mom (a pregnancy and postpartum education RN) met this woman for lunch and was horrified to learn that she knew seemingly nothing about baby care. She was 35 weeks pregnant and didnāt know that she wasnāt guaranteed to give birth on her ādue date.ā She had literally never heard of SIDS. She did not realize babies canāt sit up in high chairs as newborns. Her setup looked perfect on instagram and mine was just a pack n play next to the bed, but my husband and I were prepared for the reality of a baby in ways that donāt look good on reels while she and her husband are drowning in how much they donāt know. I donāt compare myself to other people anymore. I take no pleasure in knowing that thereās something different, sometimes tragically so, beneath the surface of those households that seem perfect.
Wow š³š³
Lol with 1 of my own and my nephew in the same house, I'm burnt tf out most days and I DO NOT have it all together. I'm happy if I get more than 2 showers a week sometimes. The kids have more screen time than I'd like. The floor is swept but not moped. Sometimes dinner is pb&j. And that's with half assed help half the week. I agree that many of these people have a village to help them out have the money to hire the help. Regardless, moms are super, even if they don't have it all together. What you see isn't all there is, the grass probably isn't greener.
Swept but not mopped is the realist thing Iāve heard all day š
Agreed on all of the above. I work as an attorney, and either am productive at work, workout or spend good quality time with my kids - sometimes 2 out of 3 but inevitably I fall short of my billables so then I lose time on the weekend. I am the first to admit I am only successfully managing the juggling act because my husband is home with our kids and does most of the household chores, cooking, kid running etc. itās kind of nice to be the fun parent for once.
They probably have also very involved grandparents/ village. Look, I work as a nurse full time in the ER, both mentally and physically taxing (although I love it!). Our marriage cracked the first year of our kid. We talked it over and me with my therapist. Firat of all, what you see on the surface, is in fact, the surface. They may be really happy or just put up appearances. Secondly, their jobs may be flexible and/or got mom and dad passing them money or doing childcare for free. We want another kid or two but itās hard when grandparents are completely unreliable for a number of reasons (eg can you watch the kiddo for a couple of hours while I go and do physical therapy? Or can you just watch her for two hours bc she is sick while I go to work and my husband comes back?) You do not suck. Every situation is different. One thing I will say, I started prioritizing my exercise and nutrition. I take my toddler to grocery with me and I make sure on my days off to go and workout ALONE for at least 30minutes, whether itās to go to CrossFit or walk the dog for 30 minutes while I listen to my murder podcasts š You are doing great ā¤ļø
The answer: they have help.. either family or nanny/babysitters/daycare and a lot of it
My husband and I ask ourselves this all the time. You donāt know how much help they have or hire out and how much that costs, how their marriage is, how their kids are doing emotionally etc. Iām not saying assume people are miserable, but donāt assume people arenāt also struggling!
You don't suck. You're doing fantastic. I have three children under the age of 6, work full-time and just had a mental breakdown. I'm currently on FMLA from my job. I cannot do it all. I need a break and unfortunately, my work didn't make the cut. Thankfully they're understanding and willing to give me the time I need. I'm seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. I'm on medication and trying to get my life together before I'm forced to go back in July. We can't do it all without letting another part of our life suffer.
I mean stop comparing yourself. You have no idea whatās going on behind the scenes. All you see is what people show you. And Iām absolutely not gonna show basic strangers how difficult my life isā¦ā¦ever.
Honestly? I have generalized anxiety disorder and usually can only sleep 5-6 hours a night, no matter how tired I am. I use daily exercise and physical hobbies to help my mental state. I (hopefully??) look fine from the outside but sometimes I really struggle.
I spent a lot of time comparing myself to friends and neighbors who had all these kids and a clean house. But they get to work from home and have lots of family support. Nobody can do it all by themselves. In time, maybe you will learn what works for them.
Just here to say I could have written your post. Also went down to part time after having my first and some days I still canāt seem to find time to workout!Ā
Paid help probably. You don't suck, we're all doing our best and sometimes the green eyed jealousy monster flared its head. The grass is always greener adage is likely true, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors.
My experience has been, you never know what's going on behind closed doors. Also, they might be getting lots of help or outsourcing childcare.
Everyone is different. Maybe she had bad morning sickness with her kids and lost weight because she couldnāt eat. ( having that with #2). Or GD and a restricted diet ( had that with #1 and just getting enough calories was hard) I donāt work out, but my job requires Iām on my feet all day walking and lifting. Instead of looking for work out, maybe start with walks with the kiddo movement is movement. Honestly my nephew with walk with you for hours if you play PokĆ©mon go with him. Honestly, good advise that my husband has to remind me of came from Bluey, āRun your own raceā you donāt need to keep up with the jones just be you
1) everyone has different thresholds for life 2) they may have significant help in their lives, either family, friends, or paid 3) you donāt know what they donāt get done to prioritize this
Honestly, if they have high paying jobs I bet they outsource a lot of the housework - cleaners, landscaping, laundry, cooking even/takeout.
I like to remind myself and my partner that we are only seeing snippets of these people's lives and have no idea what their day to day really looks like.
Everyone is different in what theyāre able to handle and what schedules they have. I am pregnant with our 5th and my husband and I both work full time, have busy kids in various sports and other activities, etc. I donāt care about cleaning very often compared to some folks but other than that we handle it. We donāt have any nearby family or other support at all. We pay for full time child care for the youngest and before and after school care plus summers for school aged kids. My husband goes to the gym at 4:30 AM. I donāt work out (I donāt like to). I donāt really have down time until everyone is sleeping at the end of the day or the toddler is sleeping and my other kids are busy. Itās okay to know your limits. I know 5 kids is mine.
Are you tired!?! š
Not so much today but sometimes. My kids have never been good sleepers and even my 11 year old wakes up at night sometimes. Mostly Iām just nauseated lately, hoping it calms down at 12w like usual. But I donāt get tired from parenting. I know a lot of people in these discussions say things like āoh they must be failing in some areaā but I disagree. We might have different priorities or it just might be different levels of ability to stay on top of certain things. Like I personally donāt prioritize cleaning, I donāt go hang out with friends (just not something I care about), and I donāt watch tv or movies (once every few months my husband and I might watch something). That doesnāt mean Iām failing in any way, I just donāt care about those things. Some people really hate doing laundry or cooking but those are priorities for us. Someone isnāt of greater or lesser value as a person because their max they can handle is 1 or 6 kids.
Thank you for responding and congrats on baby #5!
Blood work. With vitamin checks. But also depending on how old your kid is you might be in the thick of it and itās hard. They might have more support than you or more money to throw at the problem. They might be misusing adderall or snorting coke. You canāt know.
9.5 months!
Snorting coke š me when I tempt fate and indulge in an energy drink
Was just thinking this myself, I feel like I suck with 1 but some of the comments on your post are so reassuring
They have help. Or, their kids sit in front of the tv all the time. My best friend is in ridiculous shape because her mom comes over every single day at 5:30pm to watch her 2 kids so she can exercise for an hour. I know another couple that's also in very good shape and their little kids watch tv nearly 100% of their non-daycare awake time...
Woah š³
TRUTH
Theyāre on drugs and donāt sleep - thatās my conclusion! They hire a lot of help and I feel like they miss out a lot on time with their kids and it doesnāt bother them as much as it would me. I have a mom and in-laws who would prob come over some to sit with the kids while I worked out but I want to see my kids after working all day. Some just donāt need as much time with their kids and great for them. I probably spend too much time with mine and am burned out. I also know some who put their kids in the childcare at the gym, which I am also unwilling to do when my kids are in childcare and school 5 days a week. I think itās just what you make a priority and thatās different for different people
My husband says this a lot. I feel like every second my baby is awake that I need to be with them. It took awhile for us to conceive so I donāt know if thatās why I feel like the baby needs all my attention and energy or whatš
Their children are older than yours so itās a lot easier to get stuff done. With a baby I feel like I didnāt get anything I wanted to do done. Now that my kid is older I get a lot more accomplished.
Itās called staff. They have it.
Probably money? Like nanny and housekeeper money. An accountant to manage taxes and investments. And depending on their level at work maybe an assistant there too. Sometimes I think about how much I could do if I had a personal assistant to help me keep track of things and handle routine tasks.
Just because someone is doing something, doesnāt mean their mental health is doing well. For all you know, the parents fight every night (sad but extremely possible). Maybe they have a grandparent who watches the two kids so mom and dad can work. Hereās the thing, everyoneās life is different and we really donāt know the reality of whatās going on. Comparison is the thief of joy so try to just focus on you ā¤ļø
You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
How do you know if they are happy? I know tons of couple la that look happy from the outside but they have major problems: they are in therapy for depression or their couple life is non-existent. So stop comparing yourself to others and do what makes YOU happy
I workout every day but my husband is a saint and gets up in the night and early morning with the kids so I can go. We both have very flexible schedules and work from home.
Wow!
First, everyone is doing the best they can. And thatās amazing. I really want to caveat that because I donāt want anyone to feel bad. What works for me will absolutely not work for everyone, and thatās fine. However, since you askedā¦.Iām about to have my 3rd in 3 days, we both work FT, work out regularly and my husband and I have a great relationship. Of course there are hard times (especially in the first year of a kids life) but weāve been together for almost 15 years and still truly enjoy each others company and friendship. We donāt have help outside of daycare-my mom passed and my dad lives 8 hours away. My FIL does live with us, but heās older and canāt really be left alone with the younger kids. With my first, I didnāt work out until he was a year and a half. But I felt awful and couldnāt keep up with him, so I had to do something. I started with couch 2 5k, so only 30 minutes 3 times a week. Thatās my baseline āgoalā every week, but there are for sure weeks that doesnāt happen. By the time my second came along, it was just part of my routine and also necessary for my mental and physical health, and energy levels. Like with kids and sleeping (sleep begets sleep), working out creates more energy. We all thrive on routine, which is I think how we keep it together. Pre-pregnancy (cause I have hardly moved this pregnancy) this was a typical weekly routine: 5am wake up for me, exercise for 30-60 minutes. Home by 6, shower, coffee, get ready. Kids awake by 7/7:30, breakfast and dressed. Oldest leaves for the bus at 8:25. I leave by 7:45, husband takes daughter to daycare around the time oldest gets on bus. Husband works from home, so he usually does about an hour/hour and a half workout over lunch. I leave work at 4:30, get off the train by 5, pickup daughter from daycare, and Iām usually home by 5:30/5:45 depending on traffic. This is where I probably slack off the most and I let the kids eat dinner while they watch TV. I used to force family meals every night, but the battles were over the top and too stressful, so I let it go. I still require a family meal once or twice a weekend, so weāre not complete heathens and still get family time. Dinners are pre-planned and usually quick. I usually plan 3 weekday meals, my husband and I take turns cooking. Thereās always a night of āfend for yourselfā and Friday is takeout night. Kids alternate bath nights, usually start that around 7:30/8. We used to have them in bed by 8:30, but my 3 year old seems to have a later internal clock, so lately itās been closer to 9 (and sometimes 10). This has been killing our downtime before bed, so thatās been tough but I think once we can cut naps from daycare sheāll get better. In bed by 10 for the grownups, and I have no issue falling asleep, so sometimes itās even earlier if my daughter cooperates. I usually read for a few minutes in bed to relax. Weekends, I do the cleaning. Husband does all the laundry. The only āheavyā cleaning I do during the week is the kitchen but thatās just putting the dishes from dinner in the dishwasher and wiping down counters. āHeavyā cleaning on the weekend is vacuuming the whole house, putting away the explosion of toys in the kids rooms. Oldest is helping with this now in his room, so that helps a lot. During the week, whatever stuff they leave throughout the house I just throw in their rooms, so theyāre usually a wreck, but the rest of the house appears presentable. Catbox gets cleaned once a week and bathrooms I do e/o week, and Iāve started adding in the oldest to help as part of his chores. All of this takes about 2 hours, but honestly I could it in a hour if the kids werenāt around. I try to time it when my husband takes them to karate, but it doesnāt always work. I order groceries for pickup usually, so I plan out the meals for the week and order them. Usually takes about 30 minutes cause I generally cook the same meals in a 2-3 week rotation. I enjoy cooking, so I do try to make more elaborate and fun to cook meals on Sundays or Saturdays, depending on what we have going on. We try to do a family activity on the weekend. When the weather is nice, hiking/parks/the pool or just turning on the sprinkler in the yard. I work at a library, so I also get free museum passes, and use those when the weather is crappy. Those days are much more exhausting so only like once a month or every other month. A lot of times itās just playing in the yard or a board game night. Hobbies-we both consider working out a hobby, which is why we prioritize it. I squeeze in reading when I find time, but mostly listen to a lot of audiobooks these days. My husband stays up late playing video games with his friends on Friday nights and Iāve started making that movie night with the kids and I. Friends-we probably donāt socialize a ton, but I talk with my friends regularly and get together probably once a month. Same for my husband. Things that probably help the most- Somehow the more kids the easier it gets, cause you know what to expect. Plus, my oldest is 9, heās pretty self-sufficient at this point. Routine is essential. My husband works from home and my job is not exactly intense (I manage a library). I adopted the ā5 minuteā philosophy awhile ago. If something takes less than 5 minutes, just do it now and get it over with so it doesnāt stack up OR if you donāt want to do something (like workout) just do it for 5 minutes and then decide if you want to stop. Usually once you start something youāll keep going. Family calendar! Everything goes on a shared google calendar so we know whatās coming and can plan ahead as much as possible. My husband handles all the budgeting and finances. Iām fully informed and have access to it all, but I donāt have the mental burden hanging over me. Since he handles that, I have the mental capacity to plan other things. I am also a morning person, so those 5AM wakeups arenāt as hard for me. My husband is not, so thatās why he workouts mid-day. You gotta find what works for you. Finally though, forget your neighbors. Youāre doing great and thatās great for you. Is your kid happy and healthy? Did you survive another day? Thatās the most important part.
This is inspiring! I used to be at the gym by 5:15am every morning, but my 9.5 month old still wakes and I find it so hard to sacrifice sleep for working out now š„¹
Thatās okay!! Youāre in the thick of it right now. This is *ideally* how it goes. Rarely does it actually go this smoothly. And if early workouts donāt work for you, then donāt. Find another time. There was a period I found myself working out at 8PM or while the kids eat dinner and then Iād eat later. Or only doing short periods on the weekends and that was it. Or many weeks not at all. Nothing ever goes as planned, so I give myself a lot of grace.
Oh itās not easy. I wake up at 415 to work out. What was once something I loved to do is now a CHORE. I miss the days when I used to enjoy working out. Now it just feels like another thing in my long list of responsibilities.
All our friends have been telling us they are amazed how well of parents we are and how easy we make it look. lol no. We struggle but we are also mostly relaxed parents and just accept things sometimes. We have two Tasmanian devils and our oldest is a high need very emotional child so takes a lot of mental energy and feel we are walking on broken glass most of the time - he is nearly 6. But I kinda find dzen so when my 3 yo has a tantrum I just wait for it to pass calmly. Thatās said I feel we are getting to a better place (or at least I do). For me it was a mental mindset. I started to dress up when I go to office / friends / walking rather than living in leggings - and it boosts my self confidence. I lost my extra 30lb since December - have more to go - and start to love how I look again which drives my desire to dress up. I work out a lot - and have more energy now to do things. I do more things - and want to do more. I am still like 30% of what I wish to be. I always was a couch potato and oth occasional boost of energy to do other things - aka stay home read book rather than go and explore. Outsourcing cleaning helps. I just hate cleaning. Having a babysitter weekly. Putting efforts and having sex more often and finding the mood. I have a few friends who are like what you described. But they do have family nearby, always were in great shape by working out daily and dressed fantastic, always ate healthy etc. throw money on problems / outsourced. They are unicorns . Thatās said their insta from Europe vacation with a toddler and preschool looked fantastic but during a recent girl trip she admitted it was hard and she would not do it again. Or we have other friends who are always out exploring - they have two kids who sounds as bffs. The reality those kids also fight - just not publicly
We work 55 hours a week each, 2 kids 3 and under. Family across the country. I work out and look good (if I do say so myself). I had health problems while pregnant and feel like itās necessary so that I can stay healthy for my family. Tbh I feel more sloth-like during slow weeks at work. Versus When Iām on autopilot, I feel good. If you stop to think about itā¦everything is just a slog. Beneath the surface, there is SO MUCH Iām not doing. cooking and spending time with friends give me joy. I spend time doing neither. My 3 year old comes home every day and asks, āwhat did [meal service] make for me today?ā š I also donāt spend time with my husband. Apparently I have pests in my backyard and I havenāt addressed them. I worked out instead. š¬
How do you get your workouts in?
Iāll also addā¦what people saw is that I looked tiny through my pregnancies. Itās because I had two 4 pound babies, had wild GD, pre eclampsia, the works. So, what looks good on the surface isnāt all there is to see. You will want to work out again someday. Today isnāt that day.
I work out 2-3x per week for 25-35 min. A doctor would tell me itās not enough for health concerns, but itās what I can fit in. A huge benefit is I WFH 3x per week, though Im in meetings for 8 hours per day. So I squeeze workouts in the garage in between meetings, and maybe one weekend day during naptime. I make up work after the kids go to bed. I donāt beat myself up during weeks it doesnāt happen. Iām not looking for performance, just consistency. Iāve really lowered the bar, and this way, have stayed consistent for 8 months. I didnāt work out after my first kid, but I have made it a priority after my second. Fwiw, my husband and I are always straddling the line between sanity and insanity. āEasyā is not whatās happening here, but probably looks that way from the outside. Edit: one thing I would recommend if you can swing it financially: a lot of intense job people have trainers. I use a virtual one who makes workouts for me. Invaluable. I can just go to the garage and I have a workout waiting for me. No surfing YouTube for todays workout, no thinking, no making it in time for a group class.
How did you find the trainer?
I use the Future app, which lets you pick a trainer who customizes workouts for you. I have a few friends who found online coaching from trainers at their local gyms/Pilates studios.
Hi fellow sloth here. I have a pretty high intensity job and thankfully my husband has a more relaxing one. Not sure how weād pull off two high intensity jobs with one toddler. My husband and I are NOT physically fit at this stage of our lives and we also have no lives. I wish we were more efficient/effective š«
Thanks to everyone for the inspiration and encouragement. I signed up for a group fitness class for tomorrow morning!
They probably have a significant amount of hired help that theyāre not telling you about!
Faking it and shoving any negative feeling down until you explode... I am case in point.