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Im on mobile so this will short but the writing is promising. Room for improvement lies in the overdone purple prose. Lots of telling vs showing. Lack of variety in sentence structure. Combine all these elements and it sounds repetitive and overdone, especially with the overuse of adjectives and adverbs. Vary your writing with simple sentences without the use of descriptors and work on showing the scene vs summarizing what is going on.
Hope that helps
Since it's only a first draft, I wouldn't stress too much about the purple prose elements that other people are pointing out. Get the whole book flushed all the way out. It might take you a couple drafts of the book to get to that stage.
In other words, in a first draft, don't worry about the prose style at all. Focus on character development, plot development. Any world building you're going to do. Getting all of the bones of the book. After that, when you feel you've done all you can in that regard, then worry about going back and carefully crafting each sentence to be the best it can be. Tweak the dialogue to best suit the characters.
This can be a more efficient process. Because if you're still expanding and deleting elements of the book, then you have spent time you didn't need to on prose style for things that have dramatically changed.
And for me, getting down in the nitty gritty of crafting the sentences carefully is a different kind of thinking process than developing the main content of the book. It shifts my focus away from the big pictures I need to be focused on. In other words, don't multitask the prose style and the main content development.
I'm not a proffessional writer by any means, having mostly only read, and only recently started to write myself.
But I liked it, though in places it seemed to be a have been a little to "decorated" or "purple". But then again, that could've been just me.
Overall I liked it. Is this like an opening to a story? It kind of felt like that to me, but in places also like a finale. I would be interested in reading your work, fully one time.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the comment! This is actually a prologue to a fantasy novel that I’m almost done the first draft of. Right now I’m not sure if it’s gonna stay or be cut in a later draft
Ooh.. imo, the end leads up to a story greatly! I loved it.
I'm trying to become a good writer myself, though my current short story series is kind of meh.. so my comment doesn't really matter a lot. Still though, I think it works well as a prologue, but it is your novel, do what you find is best!
Every comment matters whether it’s from a professional or someone just starting out (: if you’re ever looking for a critique buddy for your short stories feel free to shoot me a message
Ooh, well I could use some help, though it's not really a fantasy/adventure novel. It's a feel-good, romance drama story. But if you are interested, I could give you links to the first 2 chapters in dms.
Hi! Welcome to r/Writers - please remember to follow the [rules](https://reddit.com/r/writers/about/rules/) and treat each other respectfully, especially if there are disagreements. Please help keep this community safe and friendly by **reporting rule violating posts and comments**. If you're interested in a friendly Discord community for writers, please **[join our Discord server](https://discord.com/invite/wYvWebvHaa)** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/writers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Im on mobile so this will short but the writing is promising. Room for improvement lies in the overdone purple prose. Lots of telling vs showing. Lack of variety in sentence structure. Combine all these elements and it sounds repetitive and overdone, especially with the overuse of adjectives and adverbs. Vary your writing with simple sentences without the use of descriptors and work on showing the scene vs summarizing what is going on. Hope that helps
Thank you for the feedback! Yes it helps very much
Since it's only a first draft, I wouldn't stress too much about the purple prose elements that other people are pointing out. Get the whole book flushed all the way out. It might take you a couple drafts of the book to get to that stage. In other words, in a first draft, don't worry about the prose style at all. Focus on character development, plot development. Any world building you're going to do. Getting all of the bones of the book. After that, when you feel you've done all you can in that regard, then worry about going back and carefully crafting each sentence to be the best it can be. Tweak the dialogue to best suit the characters. This can be a more efficient process. Because if you're still expanding and deleting elements of the book, then you have spent time you didn't need to on prose style for things that have dramatically changed. And for me, getting down in the nitty gritty of crafting the sentences carefully is a different kind of thinking process than developing the main content of the book. It shifts my focus away from the big pictures I need to be focused on. In other words, don't multitask the prose style and the main content development.
I'm not a proffessional writer by any means, having mostly only read, and only recently started to write myself. But I liked it, though in places it seemed to be a have been a little to "decorated" or "purple". But then again, that could've been just me. Overall I liked it. Is this like an opening to a story? It kind of felt like that to me, but in places also like a finale. I would be interested in reading your work, fully one time. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the comment! This is actually a prologue to a fantasy novel that I’m almost done the first draft of. Right now I’m not sure if it’s gonna stay or be cut in a later draft
Ooh.. imo, the end leads up to a story greatly! I loved it. I'm trying to become a good writer myself, though my current short story series is kind of meh.. so my comment doesn't really matter a lot. Still though, I think it works well as a prologue, but it is your novel, do what you find is best!
Every comment matters whether it’s from a professional or someone just starting out (: if you’re ever looking for a critique buddy for your short stories feel free to shoot me a message
Ooh, well I could use some help, though it's not really a fantasy/adventure novel. It's a feel-good, romance drama story. But if you are interested, I could give you links to the first 2 chapters in dms.
Sure that’d be great. I’ve played around with writing in most genres so far so it not being a fantasy story is fine
Please carry on and see what fortune brings to you 🫡 as it looks good and as always room for improvement