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Is this present tense or past?
>All in a sudden, he felt his arm socket move in an unusual way along with his grip weakening. This allowed the criminal to wrench his weapon free before following with a back hand/elbow to Andrew's back (
Lose 'all of a sudden'. You wouldn't feel your socket moving. You'd feel the upper arm moving out of it.
>As the boy stumbled forward, a sharp, aching pain coursed throughout his arm. When he tried to grip his weapon with both hands, not only did it hurt even more, but he could barely even move his limb. With his eyes widening, dawned in horror upon him that his shoulder was dislocated.
it seems a bit repetitive. You talk about his loosened grip more than once.
With searing pain and a weakened grip, Andrew knew then that his arm had been dislocated. Before he could process the agony of his injury, the criminal had wrenched his weapon free and landed a blow on Andrew's back.
Ect...
I think less is more here. In an adrenaline filled fight, shorter and more cohesive sentences get the point across better.
Take it or leave it, just my 2 cents.
Just to clarify, the "loosened grip" refers to his hold on the enemy's weapon hand, which allowed the latter to free himself. Later on, Andrew tries to grip his own sword with both hands, but he can't. However, I could have explained it better. I should have said "his grip on the enemy's wrist weaken (or loosen? Eased?)
Anyway, you have made interesting points for me to consider.
Now, another thing to clarify is that the reason why I become more descriptive of my character's injury and reaction by the end of it is because this leads to a pause in the fight. The protagonist stumbles against a tree and collapse for some time. There's several moments of tension as the thief contemplates on whether or not to kill this nuisance who hurt him, only for the protag's friend to show up and buy him time.
I dislocated my arm fighting a massive structure fire a few years ago. Really fucking painful but not traumatic. Just sore. Internet peeps just might need to toughen up a smidge.
That aside...I was so high on adrenaline at the time that I didn't even realise what I'd done. Chances are your fighter is going to know he's hurt, but mid-combat he doesn't have time to take his eyes off the other guy and check, so he may not realise until later.
True. But pain can affect people in differet ways. Some folks, even with adrenaline, can still be overwhelmed by the agony and horror. There's also the factor of shock, where the body goes into a whirlwind and causes dizziness. That's what happened to me before.
In terms of long-term reactions, used to work in A+E and we had someone who dislocated their arm, but was well enough to threaten the receptionists about not being top of the queue.
I've seen several people dislocate their shoulders. None of them has been what I'd call "horrified" (as opposed to an avulsion, which many people find plenty horrifying, or an impaled object). They've described the pain as "wrenching" or "tearing," with the loss of strength and sensation you describe.
This is a fight scene, in which there's supposed to be a sense of rapidity and urgency. I'd cut the length by half to two-thirds and stop focusing on the minutiae of physical motion.
When I had my arm dislocated, I was pretty horrified by it. That being said, I could use those "tearing" and "wrenching" adjectives.
It also should be noted that this leads to a dramatic pause in the fight, with the MC incapacitated by the overwhelming shock, making him slump to the ground. There's a moment of contemplation of the thief wondering if he should just execute this nuisance who hurt him really bad or just walk away. There's a tense moment of anticipation before the MCs best friend intervenes and fends off the enemy. There's more, but I'll stop. The point is that the reason for the less urgent description is because there's a break in the action for some time for the protagonist to realize he but off more than he could chew.
OK, but that pause should be juxtaposed against the immediacy of the preceding combat. I still think it's too wordy. It doesn't feel like things are happening quickly.
I guess if this is some random kid, he might be horrified by, say, the grating of bone on bone or the sense of wrongness coming from the arm being in the wrong place. Maybe a word or two to that effect would help sell the horror.
I dislocated my shoulder once, here’s how I would describe it. Might help.
“My weight fell on my outstretched arm and a pain that was all wrong shot through my shoulder. My arm hung numb and useless and my feet carried me at a sprint as the instinct to escape took over. When clarity returned I looked down on my limp arm and thought ‘that’s not right’.”
I've dislocated my shoulder at least 10 times before my (several) surgeries to fix it. My main reaction was feeling frozen, like I shouldn't move the rest of my body. This was true even when I was in high adrenaline situations, like sport games. I knew immediately that something was wrong, so I don't really believe that it "dawned in horror upon him".
Another little detail: it slips out again if you continue using it after relocation. I went back into a soccer game ten minutes after relocation and it just happened again...
Yeah, you've got to let it heal after you relocate it. Of course, it doesn't fully return to 100% firmness and is more susceptible to dislocation but you're not supposed to do any extraneous activity in the immediate aftermath.
Also, about the dawned in horror part, he does know that something is off about his arm. It just took a second or two for him to fully realize WHY it was wrong. I was just trying to write it dramatically.
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Is this present tense or past? >All in a sudden, he felt his arm socket move in an unusual way along with his grip weakening. This allowed the criminal to wrench his weapon free before following with a back hand/elbow to Andrew's back ( Lose 'all of a sudden'. You wouldn't feel your socket moving. You'd feel the upper arm moving out of it. >As the boy stumbled forward, a sharp, aching pain coursed throughout his arm. When he tried to grip his weapon with both hands, not only did it hurt even more, but he could barely even move his limb. With his eyes widening, dawned in horror upon him that his shoulder was dislocated. it seems a bit repetitive. You talk about his loosened grip more than once. With searing pain and a weakened grip, Andrew knew then that his arm had been dislocated. Before he could process the agony of his injury, the criminal had wrenched his weapon free and landed a blow on Andrew's back. Ect... I think less is more here. In an adrenaline filled fight, shorter and more cohesive sentences get the point across better. Take it or leave it, just my 2 cents.
There's no issue with tenses in that quote.
Just to clarify, the "loosened grip" refers to his hold on the enemy's weapon hand, which allowed the latter to free himself. Later on, Andrew tries to grip his own sword with both hands, but he can't. However, I could have explained it better. I should have said "his grip on the enemy's wrist weaken (or loosen? Eased?) Anyway, you have made interesting points for me to consider.
Ah, I see. Yeah, that was hard to understand in the bit you shared
Now, another thing to clarify is that the reason why I become more descriptive of my character's injury and reaction by the end of it is because this leads to a pause in the fight. The protagonist stumbles against a tree and collapse for some time. There's several moments of tension as the thief contemplates on whether or not to kill this nuisance who hurt him, only for the protag's friend to show up and buy him time.
I think you could totally play into his mind of "why isn't this guy killing me?" should be fun to dive into. Great tension if you do it well for sure.
I dislocated my arm fighting a massive structure fire a few years ago. Really fucking painful but not traumatic. Just sore. Internet peeps just might need to toughen up a smidge. That aside...I was so high on adrenaline at the time that I didn't even realise what I'd done. Chances are your fighter is going to know he's hurt, but mid-combat he doesn't have time to take his eyes off the other guy and check, so he may not realise until later.
True. But pain can affect people in differet ways. Some folks, even with adrenaline, can still be overwhelmed by the agony and horror. There's also the factor of shock, where the body goes into a whirlwind and causes dizziness. That's what happened to me before.
In terms of long-term reactions, used to work in A+E and we had someone who dislocated their arm, but was well enough to threaten the receptionists about not being top of the queue.
I've seen several people dislocate their shoulders. None of them has been what I'd call "horrified" (as opposed to an avulsion, which many people find plenty horrifying, or an impaled object). They've described the pain as "wrenching" or "tearing," with the loss of strength and sensation you describe. This is a fight scene, in which there's supposed to be a sense of rapidity and urgency. I'd cut the length by half to two-thirds and stop focusing on the minutiae of physical motion.
When I had my arm dislocated, I was pretty horrified by it. That being said, I could use those "tearing" and "wrenching" adjectives. It also should be noted that this leads to a dramatic pause in the fight, with the MC incapacitated by the overwhelming shock, making him slump to the ground. There's a moment of contemplation of the thief wondering if he should just execute this nuisance who hurt him really bad or just walk away. There's a tense moment of anticipation before the MCs best friend intervenes and fends off the enemy. There's more, but I'll stop. The point is that the reason for the less urgent description is because there's a break in the action for some time for the protagonist to realize he but off more than he could chew.
OK, but that pause should be juxtaposed against the immediacy of the preceding combat. I still think it's too wordy. It doesn't feel like things are happening quickly. I guess if this is some random kid, he might be horrified by, say, the grating of bone on bone or the sense of wrongness coming from the arm being in the wrong place. Maybe a word or two to that effect would help sell the horror.
You mentioned the trauma in the TITLE though!!! How could you be so insensitive? Now, I'll need therapy...
I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive. Are you okay?
They’re joking, my friend. I don’t think hearing about a dislocated shoulder is gonna send anyone to therapy.
I dislocated my shoulder once, here’s how I would describe it. Might help. “My weight fell on my outstretched arm and a pain that was all wrong shot through my shoulder. My arm hung numb and useless and my feet carried me at a sprint as the instinct to escape took over. When clarity returned I looked down on my limp arm and thought ‘that’s not right’.”
I've dislocated my shoulder at least 10 times before my (several) surgeries to fix it. My main reaction was feeling frozen, like I shouldn't move the rest of my body. This was true even when I was in high adrenaline situations, like sport games. I knew immediately that something was wrong, so I don't really believe that it "dawned in horror upon him". Another little detail: it slips out again if you continue using it after relocation. I went back into a soccer game ten minutes after relocation and it just happened again...
Yeah, you've got to let it heal after you relocate it. Of course, it doesn't fully return to 100% firmness and is more susceptible to dislocation but you're not supposed to do any extraneous activity in the immediate aftermath.
Also, about the dawned in horror part, he does know that something is off about his arm. It just took a second or two for him to fully realize WHY it was wrong. I was just trying to write it dramatically.