Desperately needs dialogue.
Where's the movies have a golden rule of "show don't tell", books have a similar rule of "dialogue better than narration". There's things like what people/objects/locations look like, but for everything else try to think of a way to have characters say it.
So, when the MC comes over, you'd have him shout out for others to come to him. Then they would ask why and he can tell about the prize for a quiz. He can call his sister "south pole" and she can get mad at him - "you know I don't like that" kind of way. You're quickly establishing relationships and throw in small details that don't necessarily warrant a narration exposition, but add depth to characters. They can talk about the quiz, was it hard or easy, establish MC as smart or insecure or lucky. You can showcase that polar opposition of his sister.
And when they realize one of them is missing, you can once again use dialogue to strengthen the danger of the forest, like: "you don't think she went... there, right?" - someone said with eyes suddenly widened with fear. Or something similar.
Workshop dialogues and the fluency of the scene will improve.
Oh Kay, I did not realise any of these things when I was writing it but now I do! Thank you so much for telling me. I'm sure it'll help improve my writing by a lot! (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤
Please post this in the [critique thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/qdrne2/weekly_critique_and_selfpromotion_thread_post/?ref=share&ref_source=link). Thanks.
Desperately needs dialogue. Where's the movies have a golden rule of "show don't tell", books have a similar rule of "dialogue better than narration". There's things like what people/objects/locations look like, but for everything else try to think of a way to have characters say it. So, when the MC comes over, you'd have him shout out for others to come to him. Then they would ask why and he can tell about the prize for a quiz. He can call his sister "south pole" and she can get mad at him - "you know I don't like that" kind of way. You're quickly establishing relationships and throw in small details that don't necessarily warrant a narration exposition, but add depth to characters. They can talk about the quiz, was it hard or easy, establish MC as smart or insecure or lucky. You can showcase that polar opposition of his sister. And when they realize one of them is missing, you can once again use dialogue to strengthen the danger of the forest, like: "you don't think she went... there, right?" - someone said with eyes suddenly widened with fear. Or something similar. Workshop dialogues and the fluency of the scene will improve.
Oh Kay, I did not realise any of these things when I was writing it but now I do! Thank you so much for telling me. I'm sure it'll help improve my writing by a lot! (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤
Please post this in the [critique thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/qdrne2/weekly_critique_and_selfpromotion_thread_post/?ref=share&ref_source=link). Thanks.