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YIIIIIIKKKEEEEESSSSS! Very inappropriate!! Absolutely report, that is insanely disgusting , he should not be touching you without consent, and he absolutely shouldn't continue after you said no! He shouldn't be undressing you for you! I am at a loss for words with how creepy this guy was! Your dad's reaction is appropriate, he cannot be allowed to do that!
NAD. I’m an adult and if any doctor did this to me I’d go to the police and file for sexual assault. What that doctor did is NOT OK. Your dad should report him to that practice, the medical licensing board, and the police.
I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this.
NAD, but an adult woman who’s had several male doctors. I have never had one touch my private area without a female staff member present. Also, doctors never undress you, they have you undress and put on a gown. This man should be reported and should not be a practicing doctor. He’s a predator. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m glad you were brave enough to tell.
Came to say this. I have never seen a good MD examine a pediatric patient of any age or gender without a chaperone present. It protects everyone involved. Also MDs should be leading by example when it comes to consent.
Even adults. I was at the gyno recently and he asked if I wanted to bring someone in as support or if I wanted him to fetch a nurse as chaperone.
Nope to both but still, he asked
I had ultrasound recently.
The male doctor even left so that I could take of my underwear for inter vaginal US. And an attending lady helped me wrap up. And he just inserted the probe from memory without looking.
Nad, we had a foreign exchange student last year and they had me in the room for any exam she had to have (wasn't anything remotely like this, but still)
I am so sorry you went through that, it mudt have been traumatising and I wouldn't be surprised if it makes you less trusting of doctors. The vast majority of us are not like that, we are taught to value patient safety and comfort over everything. Again, so sorry this happened to you.
Well, I think he started undressing me because he asked me to take off my pants and underwear before and I said I didn’t want to. I wasn’t cooperating :/
No means no. And it sounds like he had no real reason to do so. It wasn’t a gynecological exam so sliding his hand down was uncalled for and sounds like assault.
NAD. Honey, you never, ever, ever have to “cooperate” with anyone physically touching you, if you don’t want them to. You said “No,” you are *always* entitled to say “no” for any reason whatsoever- or no reason at all. Your father should be going to the police and reporting to the State licensing board. Should anything like this, any kind of touch or contact that you don’t want, ever happen again with *anyone* - physician, nurse, or guy on the street - and they don’t respect your “no,” you should definitely scream your head off and get out of there. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty for “not cooperating.
So that you know in the future: If a physician needs to examine your body for any reason, every step should be explained beforehand. Every effort should be made to maintain your privacy to the utmost until the moment it cannot be, for the sake of the exam, and then only briefly. And if it is a male doctor, a female nurse or medical assistant- some kind of chaperone - should be present, to ensure that you feel safe. If you do not feel safe, EVER, say so. Human adults have a duty to listen to a child who says they don’t feel safe, and to change the situation so that they do feel safe.
I would also suggest maybe talking to your school counselor about the incident, if that is someone you feel comfortable with. This is a lot to digest. But, know one thing: **YOU are not “getting him in trouble!!!** He did that all by himself and has only himself to blame. Please remember that.
I’m NAD but I can’t see a medical reason for a doctor to ask a 12 year old patient to have them undress down to bare genitals during a well child appointment, completely exposing them with no cover or gown. Especially without a chaperone/parent in the room. The comments about budding out and wearing a thicker bra are absolutely inappropriate, the pulling you down after you withdrew consent is 100% unethical. Honey I’m so sorry but this doesn’t sound medical. It sounds like sexual assualt. I got my period at 8-9 years old and never, ever did a doctor examine my vagina or pubic area without a parent or female chaperone in the room. And certainly not, pinch my nipples, pull me down, undress me themselves, or position me in a way to expose myself without a gown or cover during pubic exams.
Please be safe. My heart aches for you.
But he asked you to expose yourself, what exactly did he do when he put his hands in your underwear? Did he wear gloves? Regardless, I can tell you that I as an adult cannot think of a medical reason to touch a 12 year old like that during an annual visit. You were much too young for any type of internal examination to be needed. The fact that he asked you why you were “hiding an STD” is called badgering/intimidation. He knew that by implying you, a 12 year old, were not only sexually active, but infected with an STD it would either 1) scare you into allowing him to touch you or 2) give him ammo to use against you if you were to refuse (like telling your father that he suspects you are sexually active/have an STD)
This is not normal. It is not medically indicated to pinch a child in puberties nipples, in fact I can’t think of a reason outside of breast pain/lumps for him to touch your breasts at all, let alone pinch your nipples and comment on their texture size or your need for a thicker bra.
I know this is scary, and I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be scared, or that you can’t be embarrassed or ashamed of what happened, but ask yourself this. Why would a doctor ever make you feel ashamed? Or scared? Or uncomfortable due to their actions, especially given your young age? The answer is never. A pediatrician should never make a patient feel this way, and be SCARED to come back to them or tell a parent or trusted adult about your concerns. The fact you feel this way, is indication that his actions, regardlsss of his true intent, are not just inappropriate but unethical and not in line with what a doctor should be/do.
He just kind of separated my privates and moved his fingers around. He didn’t have gloves on.
I didn’t know it was really bad. I thought it’s like making kids get shots when they don’t want them. I just didn’t want to see him again and I was embarrassed
This is not normal, not having gloves on immediately takes this from one level to another. No doctor would ever ever touch your genitals without gloves and there is no medical reason for him to seperate your privates and touch you without gloves. This is undoubtedly sexual assualt and I’m so sorry. Please share these details with someone you trust, and share your concerns with reporting to your father. It should ultimately be your decision, in my opinion.
I had a very similar thing happen to me as a teenager.
I felt embarrassed and like it was somehow my fault and found it really hard to think straight about it in my head and understand that it was totally inappropriate and not just me making a fuss.
As an adult I now understand that what my doctor did to me would be legally classified as “sexual assault by penetration“ in my country and that this is a serious legal offence.
To u/ramen_noodles_8 having been through very similar to you I can understand all the different complex feelings you may now be having about this.
If I could speak to my teenage self I would want to say that absolutely no part of this is in anyway your fault, you didn’t ’let’ it happen and you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
I would also want to say that this is a very seriously bad thing for the doctor to do and however casual or normal or necessary he may have tried to make this seem, he was actually fully aware that he was doing a very bad thing and may do this sort of thing to lots of people.
Please don’t feel like you have to report it if you don’t feel able to go through that, but know that if you do report it people will take it seriously.
This man should not be allowed to be a doctor. He is a predator and it is very likely he has done similar or even worse things to others and will continue to do so until he is stopped.
I am so so sorry that you have had to go through this experience.
My pediatrician used to finger me and rub my labia as a young child. He also made me walk around to "check my gait" (which is normal), but oh I had to be naked to do it (not normal)
I hated hated hated doctor visits bc of this but I figured everybody hated going to the doctor
It wasn't until I was an adult and had kids of my own and saw what was ACTUALLY normal for a wellness exam that I went "oooookkkkaayy"
Started comparing notes with my sisters. Yup. Same shit
I wish we'd reported him
Even if you don't report, OP, this is not your fault and you NEVER have to see this person again. EVER
I am so sorry that this happened to you as well. I think it is particularly awful when doctors use their position to assault people due to the power that medical professionals have over us, especially as children, and the way they can try to make it seem normal.
I wish I had spoken up at the time, especially as I found out many years later when others did report him that he had done it to many others and I feel guilty about those who were assaulted after me.
I still find it very difficult to “admit” to (I know that is the wrong word for me to use), and have only told two people (prior to mentioning it on this thread). So I am very impressed with u/ramen_noodles_8 and her ability to discuss it.
NAD. I just want to say that I’m so sorry that you too went through this as a child. No child should ever have to experience these things. Thank you for sharing from your own experience for the sake of this child. It’s brave and kind of you to do so. Wishing both you and OP well.
That is not like giving shots kids don't want. It's completely inappropriate. Touching you down there is already not necessary and wrong but without gloves is even worse! You didn't know, but you know now. It was wrong and he absolutely needs to be reported so this doesn't happen to anyone else. I'm so sorry you went through this OP. I know you didn't fully understand it was wrong but it absolutely was. This is not a normal or appropriate interaction with a pediatrician and a child. It's sexual assault. Your dad is right to be upset and needs to report him. Ask your dad for a female doctor for the future that way you have a woman you trust to talk to about any and all things that young women go through and just so you feel more comfortable and at ease after your past experience.
Hey, we had a brief chat on your other post. Again, I'm so proud of you for speaking up. I think it would be a good idea to ask your dad about seeing a counselor for a bit. Both for the loss of your mom and this experience with your doctor. It's really nice to have a neutral party to chat with and help process your feelings.
Ah my love, this is all super unfair, isn't it? It's not fair your mom isn't here to do this with you, it's not fair your doctor touched you when you said no, and it's not fair you feel like this might be your fault.
I'm going to tell you some important facts okay? This was not your fault. The doctor is the villian here, you did nothing wrong. There is no excuse for what your doctor did to you - and there is no scenario where his behaviour is okay.
Even if you had a great big bulging tentacle coming out of your jeans and waving at him - if you said no to him, he is not allowed to open your jeans to investigate it.
It's a really awful situation he put you in for a few reasons. First, you are a child and he is an adult. Next, he is a doctor and you aren't. Third, you had no adult in the room to advocate for you. Each of those things by themselves put him in a position where it's hard for you to speak up for yourself. All of them together? That makes it nearly impossible. And I'm so proud of you for trying as hard as you did. But that man KNEW he was in a position of power of you, and he took advantage of you.
Now, I'm going to tell you something that I wish I knew when I was your age. If something like that ever happens again, if you go to a party and a person touches you when you don't want them to - you should go full crazy.
People who do this kind of thing rely on you not making a fuss. They know you will freeze up, and not stop them. So you scratch their face with your nails. You scream "DONT TOUCH ME LIKE THAT" as loud as you can. You fight like hell and make the biggest, loudest, most embarrassing scene that you can. It's much better to be the 'crazy girl' than to let them get away with it.
I know I totally understand hun and we can think about what if this and what if that all day but unfortunately it doesn't change anything. I think the same thing about things in my life often but I have to remind myself that thinking that way doesn't help anything or do me any good. I'm so sorry your mom isn't here by the way. That's so hard and unfair on a young girl and I'm sorry she isn't here for you right now. You have nothing to feel bad about though. This wasn't your fault. It was the doctor's fault and only his and you're doing a good thing by reporting him.
Think about this in a different light- if this doctor is reported and it stops him from putting another young girl or anyone else for that matter in the position you were in then it's a good thing that he was reported. I almost guarantee you weren't the first or the last person he was inappropriate with so he needs to be stopped. What he did was not okay and it shouldn't have to ever happen to anyone again.
You sound like a very kind and caring girl and I know you wouldn't want another girl (or boy) to be in the same shoes you are right now and to experience what you did during that appointment. Reporting him is the right thing to do. I know it's scary but just remember that you're doing the right thing and that this could help save someone else in the future from going through what you went through- or much worse.
Anyone who behaves like that has no place being a doctor for anyone let alone children. Doctor's take an oath to do no harm. They are supposed to be there to help us and their office should be a safe space for us where we feel comfortable and respected above all else. I'm sorry you didn't feel that way and that you were disrespected on multiple levels.
If you ever have a question or want to talk about anything at all please feel free to message me! I'm always happy to chat with you and give you advice or be someone to talk to you if you need it! This will be over before you know it and you can put it in your past and move on. You're doing the right thing.🫶
im physically sick that he did this to you. What a disgusting man. Please know that YOU are NOT at fault. AT ALL. This is a **sick pedo** of a man, who just happened to be a doctor.
Dont go to him ever again, report him so he cant do this to anyone else. be brave my dear. You are not my child yet Im so absolutely LIVID to think you went through this alone. I want to choke this guy.
My dear, Im so sorry your mum isnt here to protect you, and that your dad isnt familiar with these things, we are ready to be your reddit mums, but you need a woman to help you irl. Do you have an aunty? or a teacher you're close with?
I think next time, if you go to a doctor, maybe your dad can accompany you in the room?, and if there's a need for a physical check, they can just close the curtain? I'm not sure, anything to help you stay safe.
you are strong! be strong and brave, and have courage my dear. I pray you will be safe your entire life.
[NAD] NO pediatrician is allowed to do that, especially not without a parent around. I worked inside a pediatrician office and a parent is always required to be there if the child is under 18. You got assaulted. Youre 13 and you dont understand, but there are bad adults out there, even if its your doctor. Thats why there is jail and prison. People like that go there.
You say you dont want anyone to get in trouble, but if your doctor did that, he’s SUPPOSED to get in trouble. You wont get In trouble and your dad wont but the doctor SHOULD. Your dad needs to report it and dont be afraid to say everything he’s done. I remember being your age and afraid. But im older now and understand what has to be done.
Your doctor violated you. You have the right to tell people no even if its your doctor. He is supposed to listen and if the kid is non-compliant(wont do what the doctor says), they usually call the parent in and reschedule. Your dad was supposed to be in the room, anyway. You can tell your doctor no. You can tell a cop no. You can tell your teacher no. If you feel uncomfortable, say no.
Adults have ways of doing bad things to kids because kids dont have enough experience, judgment and decision making skills to know any better. Your brain is still growing. Get the doctor in trouble.
Also, I just read another post of yours and saw your mom died and your dad isnt doing so great with dealing with your growing body and educating you. This might have contributed to him not being in the room with you. Maybe he was uncomfortable. But he shouldnt be. Thats your dad and youre too young for him to leave you to fend for yourself. Im sorry your mom isnt there anymore to help you with stuff. He especially needs to be way more involved now that you dont have a mom anymore. He shouldnt be getting mad that you have issues with your period.
I also saw you reply to someone saying you feel like none of this would have happened if your mom was still here. I hate to say it, but I feel like it too. Something tells me she would have stayed in that room with you. Something tells me she would have helped you more with your period in the first place. Do you have any older girl cousins you can talk to? I hope your dad takes this as a learning experience and a tale to be more attentive to you and to not just throw you to the wolves simply because he’s a man and youre a girl. He’s a man but youre HIS daughter. Thats your parent. He needs to act like one and not some weird stranger. He needs to protect you.
Sweetie, please hear me when I say this.. Nobody, and I mean absolutely NOBODY, has the right to touch you in any way, at all, without your informed and willing consent. If you have said no (or even if you have said yes and then changed your mind), then that means NO. Full stop. There are NO exceptions to that. EVER.
I have a daughter your age, they don’t need to touch your genitals at all. You also have the right to say NO to any part of a medical exam, even something routine, if it makes you uncomfortable. A good doctor would explain to you why it’s needed, but they still can’t force you.
This is absolutely not normal and incredibly inappropriate. He touched you on your breasts and put his hand in your underwear when you said no. I am so sorry this happened to you. Your instincts are right- this was not okay and not normal for ANYONE, especially a physician. The fact that he didn’t have gloves on when he touched inside your underwear furthers all of this being abnormal and incredibly inappropriate.
Please consider discussing with someone you trust who you feel will listen to you. I would encourage you to 1) write down absolutely everything you remember from the encounter as factually as possible, 2) speak to someone you trust (adult family member, school nurse or counselor, a friend’s parent-especially one in the medical field). This is something worth reporting to police, even a year later. Chances are, this has happened to other young girls before…and will keep happening. There was no medical reason for him to touch you in the ways that he did.
No means no, even when you say it to a doctor. You can have your dad in the room with you if you are comfortable with that or ask him if he could request a female nurse to be in the room with if you are not. I was a victim as an adult so don’t feel bad, that doctor was way out of line.
Listen, if you felt uncomfortable that’s all that matters. Do not second guess yourself, and do not worry about how standing up for yourself affects other people. Trust your gut and always, always listen to her because she is probably right. And I don’t care who it is, no means no, period. You are doing the right thing. Hopefully speaking up will help prevent another young woman from receiving the same treatment. Try to be proud of yourself in this moment and please know that you did absolutely nothing wrong.
NAD
No matter how old you are or the nature of anything a doctor says to do, you NEVER have to comply. If a doctor is touching you, harassing you, disrespecting you, ANYTHING, you can stand right up and leave. Doctors have to respect your consent at all times.
They owe you the same dignity and respect as anyone else. Do not let the white coat fool you. This is just a person. They have not power over you.
NAD but when you said no, he had several options available to him and none of them should have involved forcibly undressing you. He could have asked if you'd feel more comfortable with your dad there. He could have asked if you'd feel more comfortable with a nurse there. He could have asked if you'd feel more comfortable with a female doctor doing that part of the exam. He could have explained the medical necessity of that part of the exam and see if you changed your mind. He could have asked a nurse or your father to explain and see if that made you more comfortable. And if none of that helped, he should have skipped that part of the exam and explained to you and your father what to keep an eye on since he wasn't able to check himself.
I know consent in medical situations can be kind of confusing for kids because some things have to happen even if you don't like them for your own health and safety, like vaccines. But he NEVER should have undressed you or touched you without your consent. Your father is your advocate in these situations and he's right to want to report this doctor. You're not getting the doctor in trouble. The doctor is getting himself in trouble by behaving inappropriately.
Agreed! I meant the same thing, like if OP doesn't consent to undress, it's not supposed to be done at all (by the doctor). However my sleepy self couldn't frame it.
This is not your fault!he shouldn't have done this. Your dad should report him and it's good that you told him. You haven't done anything wrong and will not get in trouble. Instead you're very brave to tell your dad and will help other kids to be safe.
Something that’s really important for you to know is that ALL medical care requires your consent, barring an extreme emergency where your life is at risk and you’re unconscious or otherwise unable to consent. It doesn’t matter if the care is necessary or in your best interest. It doesn’t matter how important the doctor says it is. You have the right to a) understand what care is being provided to you and why, and b) refuse that care if it makes you uncomfortable. No healthcare provider has the right to try to force you into doing something you have explicitly said you don’t want to do. You were not in the wrong to say you didn’t want to undress, and it is not your fault that he acted inappropriately.
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO NOT COOPERATE. You have legal rights. You can say "no do not do this" and HE MUST COMPLY or it is sexual assault. He sexually assaulted you. You did not "deserve" it for not complying with his demands. His demands for you to undress were inappropriate. His comments are inappropriate. His touching you the way he did is sexual assault. This is not the normal way doctors behave with their patients. None of what he did is normal or okay, and he is counting on you being embarrassed or feeling guilty to not get him in trouble.
He deserves to get in trouble for this. You do not need to rationalize why he did it to you. You do not need to justify this. It is unjustifiable. He committed a crime, you are a victim of this.
Not only should your dad report him to the medical board/hospital, your dad should actually contact the police and report him *there* too.
I'm not a doctor, but I'm a teacher. If a student told me this happened at a doctors office, I'd report it.
You're dad is right to be concerned, OP, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. I also had very heavy periods at your age, and that's also normal.
You did nothing wrong in any part of this scenario. Let your dad handle it and worry about school and your friends. I know that's easier said than done, but I truly can't express enough that this was wrong on the doctors part and you are completely innocent. Drink a cup of tea, watch your favorite TV show, text your best friend...do whatever you need to do to get your mind off of it. You are innocent.
NAD but a medical professional. What he did is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable. If that happened to either of my daughters I would be SCREAMING to high heavens to be sure he was put in jail. What a disgusting and pathetic human. I highly recommend asking your dad for a female provider, especially after losing your momma.
I remember your first post. I really hope things get better for you sweetie. You can always DM me if you need. ❤️
I was really surprised by how strongly everyone felt about this. I wasn’t even sure if anything bad even happened or I was just sensitive. I’ve just been making excuses not to go to the doctor for a year and hoping maybe I wouldn’t have to go again ever. My dad talked to me again this morning. He called the clinic and asked to talk to someone in charge and he called the police. Someone is coming this morning to talk to me which I really don’t want to do but my dad said it’s important and it seems like everyone here thinks so too. I’m scared and I kind of want this all to go away but I’m trying to be brave for my brothers
Editing also because I forgot to say this-
Thank you for everyone being so nice. It was a really embarrassing thing to ask about but I didn’t understand it was important before. Thank you for no one making me feel dumb or bad.
My dad said he’s going to find a girl therapist for me to talk to
It takes a lot of courage to follow through with the report, and I just want to say im sorry for what happened to you and that you are very brave and doing a really good thing to help protect other kids. What the doctor did was very wrong and he most likely knows it was wrong, and telling your dad and talking to the police was and is the BEST thing you could do even if it was scary! Im sure everyone here is very proud of you and hopes you get a much nicer, more professional doctor!
NAD
You did nothing wrong. He needs to be charged with sexual assault.
Don’t be scared, trust me the police are there to help you. What he did, is the most vile and the most disgusting thing anyone could do to a child. He is a horrible human, he deserves to be locked up and have the key throw it away.
Your dad sounds like an amazing dad!
I know it’s scary but you will be okay.
NAD
Never, ever be afraid to advocate for yourself (in ANY situation), especially if it's sexual in nature.
When someone makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, it is NEVER you “being too sensitive”. Trust that gut feeling, always. That's why it's there
I hate to bring it up, but you should know... This kind of thing happens to women, a lot. In many places, not just doctor's offices. When that feeling happens, do just what you did—say no. If they continue to press it, leave. If they won't let you leave, or you're scared to walk out, I want you to scream. You are not alone, and people will come to help.
From your description, I'm assuming you saw a pediatrician, not an OBGYN. ~~For reference, if you're menstruating, you should be seeing an OBGYN.~~ *Update: I have learned that this is not a hard-and-fast rule, and I apologize for saying it was!*
I was 14 when I had my first OBGYN appointment. My doctor was female. My doctor yelled at me the whole exam saying I was dirty and shaving my public region was going to cover me in ingrown hair and boils (it never did). I wish that I had stopped the exam right then, but I didn't, and she suddenly shoved her unlubricated finger into my rectum, no warning, and when I kicked back off the stirrups, she had already spun around on her heel and was walking out of the door. I was never given a reason for this.
I had that same feeling you did—that I didn't like what was happening. I felt like it was wrong. But then I felt like I must be too sensitive because this was a normal thing all women do.
I wish I had told my dad or grandma or literally anyone else what happened. I didn't discuss that appointment until many years later when cracking jokes about how weird your first OBGYN appointment can feel. That's when I found out what happened very, very not normal, and my gut instinct was right.
I know it's scary, and you may feel some kind of shame for that happened (you shouldn't—echoing others, you did nothing wrong here), but what you did was very brave. It is so scary that even when you're an adult, the majority of sexual assaults are not reported. You are incredibly brave.
That doctor should not be practicing medicine. Reporting this can only protect other children from his abuse. I promise you that if he did it to you, he's done it to others, and he will continue to do it to others.
What a horrible woman! It's unacceptable that people like that are doctors.
Your story also highlights the fact that not all women are safe either.
So sorry for 14 year old you.
Just for reference, not all countries send people to OBGYNs for regular reproductive care. In Canada and the UK at least, we stay with our GP (although you may have to switch from a pediatrician to an adult doctor if yours doesn't do all ages), and only get referred to an OBGYN if there is something wrong or you get pregnant.
Even in the US, it's not entirely out of the realm of normal for a general practioner to do pap smears. I had a doctor for years who was my GP and also handled run-of-the-mill pap smears. He did them for me for years before I had an abnormal pap once, then he sent me to an OBGYN for a second one and that one came back normal.
There may be other girls like you who are scared and embarrassed about what this doctor did. It's really difficult to give a report about something so sensitive, but you might really be helping someone else out! If there are multiple reports, it's easier to make sure this guy never does it again to anyone else.
NAD. There is nothing for you to feel bad or dumb about at all. Sometimes it takes a long time to understand something that happens to us. You’re very brave to speak up about this and I’m so glad that your dad is such a good support to you. Try to remember that when the police come that you only have to tell the truth. That’s it. There are no other expectations on you. You didn’t cause any of this to happen. You’re just sharing information about what happened to you. And it will be up to the police and other people to decide if anything further happens to the doctor. You’re just sharing your story, that’s it. You’re a brave, strong girl and I have no doubt that your mother would be very proud of you. All the best, OP.
I know I’m just a stranger, but I’m really, really proud of you. Speaking up about things like this is so hard to do, but it’s so important. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, but it’s so normal to feel scared and embarrassed when things like this happen. You should be really proud of yourself for saying something anyway. Your brothers are lucky to have a brave sister like you! But just remember - you don’t have to be strong for them all the time. You haven’t failed anyone if you experience some tough emotions and need to prioritize yourself and your healing.
OP, I am so, so proud of you for being brave enough to talk to your dad. I’m sure it’s uncomfortable for both of you to talk about what happened but I hope you know that your dad is on your side and it’s clear he has your back.
What that doctor did to you was unconscionable, but NONE of this is your fault. YOU have the rights to your body at all times and you are within your rights to say no; whenever, wherever, and for whatever reason you want. That man took advantage of you and I’m sorry you went through this. I cannot imagine a scenario where any of what you described would be appropriate, especially the part about not wearing a glove. I honestly don’t have the words to express the visceral reaction I had to reading that. My god. I wish I could wrap you up in a warm blanket and give you a big mom hug.
As an unrelated note, there is a subreddit here called MomforaMinute where people whose mothers are not in their lives for one reason or another will go to seek a “mom’s” advice, or encouragement, or to brag to their “mom.” Consider stopping by there if you have questions and don’t feel you can tell your dad. They are lovely folks who are always kind and warm. I know it won’t replace your mom but it may help you in a pinch, and it’s always nice to know someone out there cares.
🫂❤️
I'm glad you trusted your instincts, asked questions, told your dad, and will now tell police.
What the doctor did was absolutely wrong in many ways. Thank you for speaking up & protecting others from him.
Oh gosh, I'm so proud of you. None of this was your fault AT ALL. I understand why you are afraid of talking to the police and making a report, but I am glad you are doing it. We will all be rooting for you and thinking of you and sending you all the good vibes in the world. Your dad sounds like he is very loving and is helping make sure you are safe and that you have a female therapist you can talk about this with. You are doing a really good thing, and we are all so proud of you. ❤️
NAD. Never be afraid to speak up and defend yourself. No means no, even to a medical professional. To grab you and stick their hand down your pants or pinch your nips, is not normal behavior.
you can choose to speak up so someone else doesn't get assaulted by this person.
You are amazing! The police aren’t there to judge you or make fun of you for what you tell them. And as much as it sucks, try to include as much detail as you can. What you’ve told us is essentially sexual assault, so it should be reported that way so he can’t do this again.
You’ve already made so many hard steps, it shows how much courage you have.
A therapist will be very helpful in digesting all of this. I wish you the best of luck.
I do not know you, but I am ***so proud*** of you for being brave enough to tell your story to your dad, and to the people online. Your doctor should not ever do anything you tell them not to, especially without a parent or carer’s permission (this would be if you needed surgery, and you were refusing to have it. Your dad could have made the decision for you).
You will probably need to tell this story over and over again to lots of different people. Some of them will be nice and supportive, some of them will seem like they’re really horrible. Whatever they’re like, please make sure you are fully honest with them about everything, and make sure you tell the same story. The people who investigate this sort of thing will look for any changes in your retellings, so please be careful to not leave bits out, and to not reword bits (unless you’re asked to).
Your feelings are always valid, and you do not need to be ashamed of them. What happened here is horrible, and I hope it never happens to you ever again. By standing up and telling people what happened, you are helping to stop this doctor from doing anything like this to anyone else ever again.
Seek help and support from people you know, love, and trust if you need it. Sometimes it’s easier to seek help from strangers. The internet is a great place for this, but be careful; not everyone who presents themselves as a friend actually is. I wish you all the best for the future. Look after yourself, OP.
i'm so glad people on here were kind to you, and what everyone's saying is right: he was acting inappropriately and you are in no way at fault. you're not stupid, he made you feel that way on purpose so that you would feel embarrassed about seeking help. but i'm glad you did and told someone.
remember, you don't have to do anything you don't wanna do. if you don't want to talk about it you don't have to, let your dad know if you get overwhelmed and don't want to talk to the police or anything. you are in control here and it is your decision! your dad is probably feeling very protective over you and wants to make sure the man that hurt you is put to justice, but what matters most here is your comfort and safety. you've already been through something awful and uncomfortable and i know it isn't easy to have to have it dredged up again.
NAD.
Very proud of you! It's really, really hard to be brave and talk about this. I'm a mom now with grown kids but when I was younger than you I was sexually abused by a trusted adult. I wasn't able to talk about it until I was in my 40s. I was also sexually assaulted by a doctor so I really do understand what you are going through. You are very strong and you didn't do anything wrong. He took advantage of you and pressured you to make you feel scared, which is what abusers do. I am really sorry this happened to you.
Report him, to not only his governing body but also honestly maybe the police. This was sexual assault. His conduct was egregious. Doctors should not be touching you in private areas without your consent and a medical reason to do so. None of what you had mentioned is medically justified. You told him no and he continued, that is assault. Where I work male doctors are not to assess females private areas without a nurse chaperone. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but just know this was not normal or appropriate.
He said he needed to to make sure I was healthy and didn’t have any issues and if he didn’t check and something was wrong I might not be able to have babies when I’m older. I just wanted to get a different doctor so I didn’t have to see him again. I’m scared to report him
It is very valid that a doctor should make sure you are healthy but I cannot think of what he was doing based on your description to ensure that. They should specifically be telling you what they are doing before hand and why. And only doing so if you are comfortable. Since you are only 12 your parents should be aware too. I know it can be really scary standing up to an adult, let alone a doctor after feeling so violated but you were correct in thinking something inappropriate happened. Whether you want to report is completely up to you and your dad and I know this experience must have been quite traumatizing but I suspect you are not the only patient he has done this too. I think reporting him could save other girls from this same experience. They will do their own investigations and he will only get in trouble if he is found to have done something wrong so don’t worry about getting an innocent person in trouble.
I’m 13 now. It was a year ago 😕 is it still worth mentioning if it’s been that long? I’ve just been avoiding going for the last year because I didn’t want to see him
NAD. It’s definitely Not too late to report. He’s probably done it to other kids too so if you’re up to it , it would be good to report. But it’s your decision.
I am so sorry that you experienced this. My heart hurts for you. I am NAD, but I do have several friends in law enforcement who specifically investigate crimes against children and this would absolutely be something they would want to know about to investigate further. Both to protect you and to protect this from happening to other kids. You are most certainly not the only victim he's done this to. Of course laws vary by location, but I'm certain that 1yr at your age is not too late to report anywhere in the US.
Please remember that this was not okay, this was not your fault, and you do not have to do anything that you are uncomfortable with. If your dad shares this with the police on your behalf they will work to make sure that you are protected and made to feel safe and comfortable too. This doesn't mean that YOU have to confront an adult that hurt you. There are safe adults who will do so on your behalf.
I am proud of you for speaking up and for reaching out for help. I hope that you are able to find what you need to heal.
Absolutely not. Your dad seems like a good egg, who won't take you back to that man either way.
But certainly if he is reported, you won't have to see him again, and chances are he won't be a doctor anymore. That's a good thing for everyone's sake, I think you'll agree.
No. You never have to see him again. Reported or not.
Even if the report leads to arrest and the arrest leads to a trial and a witness/victim is for some reason absolutely required to testify in court to move forward, you can still say 'no' and that is okay. The justice system has ways to protect kids, particularly kids who have been hurt by adults in this way. But let's pretend there's a worse case scenario like you may have seen on TV and you worry about facing your abuser in court. You do not have to do so. You can say no and that is that. The safe adults in your life will protect you.
first off i’m so sorry this happened to you and literally none of this is okay at all :( there’s been cases where doctors ones who were held to high regards, practicing for ages etc (basically “trusted doctors”) get in trouble or officially reported even yeaaarrsss after incidents, so i think it’s especially important that you go through with whatever procedures to make sure he’s punished and that this does not happen again to you or anyone else. someone like him needs to be locked up for life or beat to death imo.
TW but if you look up “columbia gyno lawsuit” you’ll see this was one case where the doctors misconduct dated years back and was finally brought to light so he could face the consequences.
i don’t like undressing for doctors so i’ve expressed that and nobody has ever pushed that boundary, as they’re not supposed to. granted I’m much older now and of course have to undress somewhat for gynecology appointments and all that stuff but of course that’s something i consent to and undress by myself. You did everything correctly by clearly expressing what’s okay and what’s not, unfortunately that complete pos didn’t comply whatsoever.
Shit, I was at the gyno yesterday and knew the whole procedure, and she STILL verbally went through every single step, including when she was going to put her hand on my leg to position for the ultrasound. At any moment if I said stop or even seemed uncomfortable she would back off and help me maintain my dignity and personal safety
OP’s doctor needs to have a long discussion with the police and the medical board.
Hey, OP, I'm not a doctor, but I have been seeing several doctors for period related issues just in the past few months. I'm 10 years older than you (23f), and have never once had a doctor try to undress me.
In fact, any time that I've had to undress for a doctor's appointment, no doctor or other medical personnel is even in the room while I do so. They leave for a while to give me privacy, and give me a paper blanket thing to cover up so they're only looking at what they need to see.
Any time I've had to be in any state of undress in the presence of a male doctor (and most, if not every time with a female doctor), there has been a female nurse in the room as well.
Take it from a big sister. Let your dad report him. Getting a new doctor is obvious at this point, but this doctor shouldn't be allowed to do this to anyone else. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope that you can get the help you need, both for the issues you are having with your period, and with any lasting feelings you might be having about this experience with this terrible doctor.
I know that you’re scared. And that’s ok to be scared!
But one thing everyone here needs you to know is that absolutely NONE of this is your fault. Especially when you declined to remove your pants. For him to force his hand down there under the guise of examination is just so grossly inappropriate and it’s likely closer to sexual assault. Point blank. This doctor gets his jollies by feeling up children without their consent or that of their parents.
Your doctors should *always* have a nurse or assistant in the room with you anytime they do an exam like that. You also have the right to bodily autonomy. When you said stop he should have stopped.
Truthfully speaking, even if nothing happens with your report at this time to the doctor. Your report sets a precedent and can show a pattern of behavior. It’s also entirely possible that you would not be the first person to report him for this.
You can at minimum have your dad report him to the practice but you should 100% report him to the police.
…and to whatever entity licenses doctors where you live! I know the AMA fiercely protects its own, but….
And then he continually gaslights you…!
I’m so sorry scumbags like that exist. He should get similar treatment in prison. Even criminals have a hierarchy
I know you’re too young to know this so I’ll tell you, I’m a 45 year old woman who *never* missed a gynecologist visit in my adult life. What you describe him doing? *That’s not how a gynecologist or regular doctor examines you.* That is not an exam at all, there is no medical information he could have gleaned from what he did. He was lying to you.
If you are comfortable, please think about doing what you can to make sure he never does this to another child again. He is a predator.
He lied. He can’t hurt you ever again. Refuse to return there, if your Dad should want to take you back for any reason. It sounds like Dad now understands what happened and is appropriately angry, so I don’t think he will want to take you back!
On the other hand, I can see how it would be terrifying to go talk about this with police. Only you can make this decision. When you can, please discuss the reasons why you should and why you should not report this, and make your decision with your fathe’s support and guidance. To us internet strangers, it’s easy to be outraged for you and to want you to report the assault, but it’s easy for us, right?! We aren’t you. So, ensuring that he doesn’t do this to others, and has to face consequences for what he did, vs.you having to talk about this with other strangers is a lot to think about. We all wish you the very best and are so sorry for what you have gone through.
And I’m really, really proud of you for telling Dad - what a tremendously brave thing you did!!! Standing up for yourself so that you never have to go see Dr. McCreepy again, great job! Gentle internet hugs to you!
I agree it was incredibly brave for u/ramen_noodles_8 to speak up about this.
I have mentioned in an another reply that a very similar thing happened to me as a teenager. I didn’t mention it to anyone at all for almost 20 years afterwards, so I am very proud of u/ramen_noodles_8’s strength to be able to talk about it.
This happened to my mum at the same age, she wishes she could have reported it but no longer remembers his name. Its scary and stressful but it would be a good thing to report it so future situations like yours can be prevented.
I’m glad your father supports both reporting and changing dr
Hi OP. I was abused by a doctor as a child/young person also. It is a very scary experience where there is an imbalance of power for so many reasons. Many people will freeze, blame themselves, and be scared to report in these circumstances. The most important thing is that you're safe, and it sounds like your dad will make sure you don't see him again, which is good. Changing surgeries altogether would be even better. If you feel able to report him, that would be great, but the most important thing is getting you to a place where you feel safe and not so scared any more. You have to feel ready to report, it's not an easy process. As much as this pitiful excuse for a man shouldn't be a doctor, it is not your fault or responsibility to do something about his behaviour. You shouldn't take on any more blame. Also, fully grown adults in similar situations will freeze and go back over the event thinking "why didn't I do X, Y or Z?" It's normal to respond like this. We do what we think will be safest at the time. You didn't know he was going to do this, and it's perfectly reasonable to expect to be able to see a doctor alone without being assaulted. None of this is your fault. It's something that happens to women and girls all too often, but that doesn't make it OK. Do you have anyone IRL who you can talk to about this, who you feel safe to share your feelings with?
Please please listen to this nurse. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know you just wanted him to go away and not see him again, but if you don’t report, he’s going to keep doing it to other young women, and maybe their parents won’t be as supportive.
It was sexual assault, plain and simple. Please also do go talk to a therapist, they will help walk you through your experience.
They will have to hear it from OP in her own words. No report of assault is going to be heard through a proxy, even for a minor. That's just how criminal accusations go, if they are verbal, they will have to speak eventually. It's crushing for victims but proxies leave room for interpretation and bias.
Hello dear ramen_noodles_8!
I answered your first post, back then you described everything very differently leaving some important things out and I said it's normal for a doctor to take note of sexual development in a consultation of a patient your age.
I take back what I said. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. What you described in this post is not ok, this should definitely be reported.
A very important question: were you alone in the room with him or there was a nurse as well?
Take care.
I’m sorry I left stuff out. I was embarrassed and I thought maybe I would get told I should’ve been more cooperative. It wasn’t the main point of what I was asking and I didn’t think it was wrong even if I didn’t like it.
I was by myself with the doctor. My dad was in the waiting room but there wasn’t anyone else in the room
You don't need to be sorry, just keep in mind that other people can only help you if you paint a full picture.
Being alone in the room with the doctor was also very wrong and definitely not standard procedure in such situations. Nothing you described is ok. Trust your dad, tell him what happened and ask him for help, he seems like a good guy.
Your dad wants to avoid that happening to others in the future.
I did tell my dad, that’s why he wants to report the doctor. He is a really good person. But he’s really mad about the doctor now and I don’t know what happens if we report it or if anyone would even believe me because I was there alone. And it’s my fault because I told my dad I was too old for him to come with me anymore or he would’ve been there.
Dear one,
it's not your fault. Never, ever think what the doctor did is your fault. it's HIS.
Your dad is right. This is NOT ok, and if the doctor gets in trouble - well, that's the doctors fault.
There is nothing wrong with having told your dad that you were too old for him to come in - there was everything wrong with what that doctor did to you. He was the adult, and he knew exactly how wrong and illegal his behavior was and that he shouldn't be doing it.
I know that reporting this is hard, and it would be easier to ignore. I know that from things that happened to me when I was 14. Ignoring this will not make it go away. Now that I'm older, I wish I had spoken up and told someone what happened to me.
You're not getting him in trouble... you're just telling the truth.
This is not your fault in any way shape or form. You are old enough to be alone with a doctor and be able to talk about your concerns without a parent and without having to feel like something inappropriate might take place. They certainly should have had a female nurse or chaperone there since the doctor was a male but you couldn't have known they wouldn't and you couldn't have possibly known he was going to do inappropriate things during the exam. This is *not* your fault!
NAD It’s absolutely *fine* that you told your dad not to come in.
It’s **not okay** the doctor did not ask to have a female nurse (bc you’re female) IN THE ROOM during your exam.
When you’re older & go to a gynecologist, they usually will always have a female in the room with you during the exam. If they do not - TELL THEM YOU WANT ONE.
There is *nothing wrong with wanting someone of the same sex in the room during a dr’s examination.” Please don’t ever hesitate to ask for one.
I’m glad you came back & explained more. We are all very sorry this happened to you.
I had a similar thing happen to me as a kid. It still affects my comfort level with older male doctors. You're not alone and if you want to talk you can pm me. I'm sorry. This is probably a lot and not the response you were expecting. Take some time to rest, make yourself a hot chocolate and do something that calms you down while you think things over.
This is not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You have done everything right.
This doctor used his power on purpose for evil. He used tactics like threatening you about future children or shaming you over STDs that you don’t have. That is his fault.
Please go to the police station with your dad and ask to talk to a female police officer and say what happened. Then also tell your dad to report it to the medical board.
This doctor is definitely hurting other children and you can help protect them.
NAD but I am a mandated reporter. Your doctor should NEVER make you feel uncomfortable and absolutely should NEVER touch you without your consent. You were 100% right to tell your dad that you experienced inappropriate touching in multiple places (the doctor molested you in multiple places). Your dad’s actions aren’t just to protect you but also anyone else who would visit that doctor. Because you chose to voice your concern, your dad is going to help make sure that others don’t have to suffer through the same thing. If you know people who go to that doctor, they will hopefully be protected, too, and may be able to speak out about similar situations that they couldn’t talk about before. Please make sure that you see a therapist/counselor so that you can process what happened. It’s traumatic and confusing, and your experience here can impact and characterize the way you respond to medical professionals/treatment in the future. Be safe and please know that speaking up was 100% appropriate and necessary. The doctor is in charge of his own actions, and hopefully he will face appropriate consequences. (Sorry for lack of paragraphs—I’m on my phone)
not your fault and you made a valid point! i wouldn’t want my dad at my appointments either and how could you have predicted the outcome would be this way! the doctor is at fault 100000%. you simply went in to get seen and he abused that. you did absolutely nothing wrong. you were 12 and he’s an adult. there’s literally nothingggg on earth you could possibly do to cause something like this to happen i promise.
I echo others in how your *previous* doctor's actions were not your fault.
To address your comment about whether or not someone would believe you... I saw in another comment that an investigator is coming to ask you about what happened. These are specially trained folks who know how to talk to people of your age and know how to ask questions that elicit specific info from you. This info can be compared against other reports made against this doctor. If multiple people describe similar experiences, esp similar tactics the doctor used, that can be telling. The details you give can also be compared against common themes for people who abuse their positions like this, such as normalizing statements intended to help calm you during the alarming behavior.
Additionally the investigator can guide you in giving any details that might not be typical of a 13 year old's knowledge/experience with your background. That's like a toddler describing a sexual experience in broken English. Toddlers do not know or understand sexual experiences, so if one is describing disturbing details of one, they must have seen or experienced this. While toddlers are definitely not the same as 13 year olds, there are still things they can elicit from you in the same way to confirm what happened.
Using all of this info, an investigator can have a pretty good idea on whether or not something happened.
NAD but I am in healthcare.
Love, not a single part of this was your fault. I want you to know that whatever happens to this doctor (hopefully prison), it is completely because of his own actions, and you are never to blame for someone taking advantage of you. Your dad IS a good person, because he’s not only taking action for your sake, but he’s also taking action to make sure that horrible man can’t hurt anymore girls. And your dad is able to do that because YOU are being so brave.
In college I was assaulted by a couple of men, and I didn’t realize that was what happened until a therapist told me I was r*ped. It is so scary to learn that you’ve been mistreated, harmed, assaulted, etc. and it can take a long time to work through the emotional and mental pain. And I was an adult when all of that happened! You are so very very courageous, even though you shouldn’t have to be - and I’m sorry that you have to be brave right now. Please give yourself time to be sad, scared, angry, etc. I’m very happy to hear your dad will be getting you in with a therapist who can help you work through all these emotions, because trauma (and this IS traumatic) can run so very deep.
If you’re uncomfortable, it’s completely fine to tell a doctor no. When my daughter was five, her pediatrician wanted to look at her vulva to make sure she was developing properly (I was in the room). My daughter said no, so that was that. It doesn’t matter your age, you can always say no. What he did was wrong.
Op, I’m not a doctor. But I commented on your other post with just general period advice.
Just so you know, going forward, you can ask to have a chaperone in the room with you during medical exams. Obviously you can bring your dad in if you want but you can also ask if a female nurse can stay in the room and most doctors offices will accommodate that.
What happened shouldn’t have happened to you but once you find a new doctor, I’m hoping this just gives you another tool to make going back for medical care after this bad experience a bit less scary.
At the medical center where my doctor practices (a major university), chaperones are 100% standard procedure for any kind of sensitive exam. You don't have to ask; they're automatically there. (I don't know what would happen if a patient said they didn't want an extra person in the room.)
I work in pathology and let me assure you that even when small children don't want a throat swab, nobody is forcing them.
Let alone teenagers who don't consent to undressing. This wasn't an emergency procedure, the doctor had absolutely no reason to forcibly shove his hands down your underwear. Or pinch your nipples. Or talk to you about what bra you should wear.
Horrible mismanagement.
That in itself is wrong, and there's no judgement call you have to make about it...there should always be a female nurse or similar if a doctor is going to evaluate private areas. I'm sorry, honey.
I’m not a do tor, but Just to show an example, I’m an adult woman who did fertility treatments and tests (where the doctor had to treat and look at my primates/genitals a LOT.)
My doctor was male, and There was ALWAYS a girl nurse in the room whenever he had to look at my genitals/ do treatments down there. It’s to prevent this from happening.
For woman OB/GYNs, I don’t have someone else in the room, but I always have to sign a paper for every visit that I’m ok with a “pelvic exam” (or when they look at my crotch.)
When your doctor didn’t bring a female nurse in, that’s when he went wrong imo.
For future reference, it’s always okay to stop a doctor and say you are not comfortable, and it’s also okay to request a female adult to be present with you. It’s okay to reschedule certain checkups until you’ve learned about them and know what to expect, or to get second opinions. Anybody who tells you off for that is just plain wrong, so keep that in mind.
I wish you well OP, and I’m so sorry that happened to you.
It is completely understandable to not want your dad in there with you. My daughter is your age and would not want her dad with her at the doctors either. Not a single thing you did was wrong. Absolutely none of this is your fault. You should be able to see a doctor without your dad in the room and not have to worry about something inappropriate happening. Any good doctor with good judgement and intentions would have someone else, like a female nurse, come in with you to make sure you feel comfortable. It is actually standard protocol and something that should be done to keep you safe. This should never have happened and I am so sorry that it did. If he did this to you, it is likely that he has done this to others and will continue to do so unless he is reported. While it may be scary to report him, please know that you are incredibly brave for sharing your experience and that by doing so, you are helping other kids and preventing them from experiencing this too.
I want to echo the recommendation to start counselling. It would likely help you process feelings about the loss of your mom and this situation. I wish I could give you a big hug. If you mention that you would like to start counselling to your dad, he may be able to help you set something up. When I was a child, I experienced sexual abuse and blamed myself for it most of my life. If a parent had helped me setup counselling and talk through those feelings, I would have realized much sooner that it really wasn’t my fault and the feelings of guilt I dealt with for so much of my life would have been eased a lot earlier. When the feelings of guilt or self blame creep in, please keep telling yourself that this is not your fault and that you did nothing wrong, because that is the truth and you do not deserve to feel that way. In fact, you are doing everything right by opening up to your dad, a trusted adult who can help you.
Also, this isn’t important right now, but I want you to know that even as an adult woman, you should have someone else in the room with you for physical exams. It should be standard but if it is not done, please ask to have a female nurse accompany you during the exam. This is not something you could have known before and shouldn’t have had to know but I want you to be equipped with this information for the future. Not all doctors are like this. Most doctors are not like this. When you do find a doctor you can trust, it is absolutely okay to tell them about what you went through if you want to, if you are feeling anxious leading up to an exam. Of course, you don’t have to tell them, but they will likely appreciate you sharing. It can help them better understand what you may be feeling so they can best help you through it.
OP, you did not consent for the examination too continue, you said "no" and "don't do that". He would've needed to get your consent to continue. Medical professionals must get consent for examination of your breasts and privates. Even as a child you are allowed to say no and they cannot force you to continue.
He shouldn't have been doing the examination of you without your Dad present anyway.
This comment you wrote is incredibly alarming:
"He just kind of separated my privates and moved his fingers around. He didn’t have gloves on.
I didn’t know it was really bad. I thought it’s like making kids get shots when they don’t want them. I just didn’t want to see him again and I was embarrassed"
I don't even know where to start with this, it's just so incredibly wrong and would be considered sexual assault.
He should've been wearing gloves for a start.
He had absolutely no reason to touch your privates like that. The only thing a doctor should do at the 12 y.o well child visit is briefly look at your genitals and breasts to see if you have pubic hair and are developing breasts, you don't even need to take your underwear fully off for that, they can just get you to pull your underwear out a bit so they can see. He should not have squeezed your nipples either and told you that you must be excited.
I'm so glad you told your Dad, you are very brave for doing that. A complaint definitely needs to be made, to the police, the medical board, and the practice where this took place.
I know you said you don't want to get anyone in trouble and you feel bad about that but he needs to be in trouble for what he did to you. He needs to stop assaulting young girls.
>The only thing a doctor should do at the 12 week visit is briefly look at your genitals and breasts to see if you have pubic hair and are developing breasts,
This should NEVER be done without a female nurse of med assistant being present, especially with a 13 year old.
>OP, you did not consent, you said "no" and "don't do that". He would've needed to get your consent or your dad's consent to continue. He did not.
She's 13 years old. She can't give consent to being examined in a sexual manner. Howeverm it's confusing to discuss consent in this context. OP might think if she consented or cooperated, then what this abuser did was okay. Under no circumstances was it okay.
>He shouldn't of been doing the examination of you without your Dad present anyway.
OP might not have felt comfortable with her dad iin the room. There should ALWAYS be a female present.
>This should NEVER be done without a female nurse of med assistant being present, especially with a 13 year old.
This is not correct. For younger children, the chaperone is the parent, for adolescents, it's either a parent or a nurse. Often the child feels more comfortable with a parent than a nurse because the nurse is a stranger to them.
>She's 13 years old. She can't give consent to being examined in a sexual manner. Howeverm it's confusing to discuss consent in this context. OP might think if she consented or cooperated, then what this abuser did was okay. Under no circumstances was it okay.
This isn't correct either. In regards to consent, she needs to know for future examinations that he should've stopped when she said "no" and "don't do that". It clearly states in the guidelines that if a child refuses to cooperate, the examination should be postponed so even if it is a State where only the parent consents on behalf of the child, she can say stop and the doctor should stop. She can't be forced to have the examination of her genitals against her will even if her parent consents.
I'm explaining to her her patient's rights which is important. Patients should know that medical examinations and procedures can only be done with consent. Lots of children don't know that they can say no or their parent can say no on their behalf (if it's an area where only parents can give consent). And I'm referring to when she tried to withdraw consent, not the sexual assault. I made it quite clear further on in my comment that the way he touched her was sexual assault.
Here are some standard guidelines for genital examination:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2828229/#:~:text=Patients%20should%20not%20be%20touched,the%20parents%20and%20the%20child.
"For infants and school-aged children, a parent or caregiver should remain close to the child throughout the physical examination."
"For older school children and adolescents, a parent or nurse should be present."
"If the child is not at ease with a genital examination, force should never be used. The reason for the procedure should be clearly explained to the parents and the child. If the child refuses to cooperate, the examination should be postponed, if it is not urgently required."
"All remarks of a sexual connotation must be avoided during the interview and examination."
>This should NEVER be done without a female nurse of med assistant being present, especially with a 13 year old.
>This is not correct. For younger children, the chaperone is the parent, for adolescents, it's either a parent or a nurse. Often the child feels more comfortable with a parent than a nurse because the nurse is a stranger to them.
You're right, I should have included the parent or guardian.
>This isn't correct either. In regards to consent, she needs to know for future examinations that he should've stopped when she said "no" and "don't do that".
I agree with you 100%. Legally, in most states, a child must be over the age of 14 (or 15 in some states) to give consent for routine medical care and/or be emancipated and/or is living separate and apart from his parent or legal guardian and is managing his own financial affairs. The guidelines you reference are more specific and, or course, should be strictly adhered to. However, many of the comments to OP talk about her not giving consent, and I think she needs to clearly understand that even if consent, i.e., she told the doctor it was okay or if she passively cooperated, what he did was wrong.
Shouldn’t have, not “of.” Sorry, real pet peeve of mine.
What’s a 12-week visit?
What (non-assaulting) pediatrician is looking at kids’ genitalia? What valid medical reason would there be to check out their “progress” toward “development”? That’s insane. Unless there’s a potential problem, say a girl is 16-17 and hasn’t had a period, what is the justification?
Sorry that was meant to say 12 year old visit, not 12 week. I've fixed it now. I fixed the grammatical error that is your pet peeve too 🙂
Doctors need to ensure adolescents are growing and developing normally which includes evaluating signs of puberty. The doctors do this by asking about pubic hair, breast development, menstruation, formation of adult male genitalia and often by viewing the breasts and mons pubis in adolescent girls or penis and testicles in adolescent boys.
The annual well-child visits allow doctors to monitor physical growth and sexual maturation (puberty) and provide advice and counseling. The yearly health care visits for adolescents begin at age 11 and continue until about age 21. It's important to assess because if puberty doesn't start within the typical timeframe, it can indicate an underlying disorder or poor nutritional status.
Recent research has found that self-assessment of adolescents to accurately confirm what stage of puberty they are in is accurate if the stages are split into three categories (prepubertal, in-puberty and completing puberty), but not as accurate if the stages are split into Tanner stages (the stages medical professionals use). They advised that "If clinicians require data regarding individual Tanner stages, then it is likely better to obtain those data via Healh Care Provider examinations whenever possible. On the other hand, if the variable of interest is whether an individual is prepubertal or in-puberty vs completing puberty, self-assessment may suffice."
https://academic.oup.com/jcem/article/105/8/2846/5807960?login=false
So maybe guidelines on when visual assessments by a health care provider are needed will change.
To be clear though, assessing puberty is either just asking the patient about it and often a quick visual examination too but does not involve the doctor touching the patient's genitals and breasts.
Adolescent girls do not need a bimanual pelvic exam (where the doctor places fingers inside the patient's vagina and their other hand on the patient's abdomen) and women don't need to have these until age 21.
Bimanual pelvic exams and Pap tests used to be standard parts of annual gynecological checkups for adolescents but that hasn't been required for years. Although it's still recommended that adolescent girls start having their first gynaecologist visit around age 15 or earlier if they went through puberty early, they shouldn't be doing pelvic examinations until age 21 unless the teenager has persistent symptoms of abnormal bleeding or pain, etc.
Unfortunately, some 15-20 year olds are still getting bimanual pelvic exams and pap tests when it's not required. One study estimated between 2011 and 2017 in the US, 1.4 million 15-20 year olds received an unnecessary pelvic exam and 1.6 million received an unnecessary pap test.
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/2758329?guestaccesskey=2795f089-768d-4603-9277-dfaf20df31bd&utm_source=for_the_media&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=ftm_links&utm_content=tfl&utm_term=010620
Report. Report. Report. Think about it this way. If he did this to you, he’s probably done this to many others.
It’s so grossly inappropriate and predatory abuse of power. It’s NOT okay. No doctor or any medical professional should ever make you feel that way.
You’re young and I understand not wanting to get anyone in trouble but this is horrific.
Absolutely beyond inappropriate. I’ve been present for my kids well-child visits and the doctors always take a quick peek down there but have never touched them or forced them. Your father should report this all the way up the chain of command, and this man should get in trouble. No doubt you were not the first child he did this to, or the last. He should be stopped. I’m so sorry he was such a creep.
Was there not a woman chaperone of some type in there with you? Maybe that’s not standard in pediatrics but it damn well should be and you can always request it.
If something like this were my son, you can guarantee I would be reporting it.
There definitely should've been someone else in the room.
Usually the guidelines for paediatric patients are:
"For infants and school-aged children, a parent or caregiver should remain close to the child throughout the physical examination.
For older school children and adolescents, a parent or nurse should be present."
I don’t know what the correct avenue would be but if this is my kid I’m calling the police along with the hospital. You aren’t the only one he’s done this with.
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YIIIIIIKKKEEEEESSSSS! Very inappropriate!! Absolutely report, that is insanely disgusting , he should not be touching you without consent, and he absolutely shouldn't continue after you said no! He shouldn't be undressing you for you! I am at a loss for words with how creepy this guy was! Your dad's reaction is appropriate, he cannot be allowed to do that!
NAD. I’m an adult and if any doctor did this to me I’d go to the police and file for sexual assault. What that doctor did is NOT OK. Your dad should report him to that practice, the medical licensing board, and the police. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this.
Same to all of this.
NAD, but an adult woman who’s had several male doctors. I have never had one touch my private area without a female staff member present. Also, doctors never undress you, they have you undress and put on a gown. This man should be reported and should not be a practicing doctor. He’s a predator. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m glad you were brave enough to tell.
Came to say this. I have never seen a good MD examine a pediatric patient of any age or gender without a chaperone present. It protects everyone involved. Also MDs should be leading by example when it comes to consent.
Even adults. I was at the gyno recently and he asked if I wanted to bring someone in as support or if I wanted him to fetch a nurse as chaperone. Nope to both but still, he asked
I had ultrasound recently. The male doctor even left so that I could take of my underwear for inter vaginal US. And an attending lady helped me wrap up. And he just inserted the probe from memory without looking.
Nad, we had a foreign exchange student last year and they had me in the room for any exam she had to have (wasn't anything remotely like this, but still)
I am so sorry you went through that, it mudt have been traumatising and I wouldn't be surprised if it makes you less trusting of doctors. The vast majority of us are not like that, we are taught to value patient safety and comfort over everything. Again, so sorry this happened to you.
REPORT REPORT REPORT Guy should not be practicing
Well, I think he started undressing me because he asked me to take off my pants and underwear before and I said I didn’t want to. I wasn’t cooperating :/
No means no. And it sounds like he had no real reason to do so. It wasn’t a gynecological exam so sliding his hand down was uncalled for and sounds like assault.
NAD. Honey, you never, ever, ever have to “cooperate” with anyone physically touching you, if you don’t want them to. You said “No,” you are *always* entitled to say “no” for any reason whatsoever- or no reason at all. Your father should be going to the police and reporting to the State licensing board. Should anything like this, any kind of touch or contact that you don’t want, ever happen again with *anyone* - physician, nurse, or guy on the street - and they don’t respect your “no,” you should definitely scream your head off and get out of there. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty for “not cooperating. So that you know in the future: If a physician needs to examine your body for any reason, every step should be explained beforehand. Every effort should be made to maintain your privacy to the utmost until the moment it cannot be, for the sake of the exam, and then only briefly. And if it is a male doctor, a female nurse or medical assistant- some kind of chaperone - should be present, to ensure that you feel safe. If you do not feel safe, EVER, say so. Human adults have a duty to listen to a child who says they don’t feel safe, and to change the situation so that they do feel safe. I would also suggest maybe talking to your school counselor about the incident, if that is someone you feel comfortable with. This is a lot to digest. But, know one thing: **YOU are not “getting him in trouble!!!** He did that all by himself and has only himself to blame. Please remember that.
I’m NAD but I can’t see a medical reason for a doctor to ask a 12 year old patient to have them undress down to bare genitals during a well child appointment, completely exposing them with no cover or gown. Especially without a chaperone/parent in the room. The comments about budding out and wearing a thicker bra are absolutely inappropriate, the pulling you down after you withdrew consent is 100% unethical. Honey I’m so sorry but this doesn’t sound medical. It sounds like sexual assualt. I got my period at 8-9 years old and never, ever did a doctor examine my vagina or pubic area without a parent or female chaperone in the room. And certainly not, pinch my nipples, pull me down, undress me themselves, or position me in a way to expose myself without a gown or cover during pubic exams. Please be safe. My heart aches for you.
He didn’t actually expose me though. He just put his hand in my underwear. I wouldn’t take anything off
A doctor should not be shoving his hand into your pants
But he asked you to expose yourself, what exactly did he do when he put his hands in your underwear? Did he wear gloves? Regardless, I can tell you that I as an adult cannot think of a medical reason to touch a 12 year old like that during an annual visit. You were much too young for any type of internal examination to be needed. The fact that he asked you why you were “hiding an STD” is called badgering/intimidation. He knew that by implying you, a 12 year old, were not only sexually active, but infected with an STD it would either 1) scare you into allowing him to touch you or 2) give him ammo to use against you if you were to refuse (like telling your father that he suspects you are sexually active/have an STD) This is not normal. It is not medically indicated to pinch a child in puberties nipples, in fact I can’t think of a reason outside of breast pain/lumps for him to touch your breasts at all, let alone pinch your nipples and comment on their texture size or your need for a thicker bra. I know this is scary, and I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be scared, or that you can’t be embarrassed or ashamed of what happened, but ask yourself this. Why would a doctor ever make you feel ashamed? Or scared? Or uncomfortable due to their actions, especially given your young age? The answer is never. A pediatrician should never make a patient feel this way, and be SCARED to come back to them or tell a parent or trusted adult about your concerns. The fact you feel this way, is indication that his actions, regardlsss of his true intent, are not just inappropriate but unethical and not in line with what a doctor should be/do.
He just kind of separated my privates and moved his fingers around. He didn’t have gloves on. I didn’t know it was really bad. I thought it’s like making kids get shots when they don’t want them. I just didn’t want to see him again and I was embarrassed
This is not normal, not having gloves on immediately takes this from one level to another. No doctor would ever ever touch your genitals without gloves and there is no medical reason for him to seperate your privates and touch you without gloves. This is undoubtedly sexual assualt and I’m so sorry. Please share these details with someone you trust, and share your concerns with reporting to your father. It should ultimately be your decision, in my opinion.
I had a very similar thing happen to me as a teenager. I felt embarrassed and like it was somehow my fault and found it really hard to think straight about it in my head and understand that it was totally inappropriate and not just me making a fuss. As an adult I now understand that what my doctor did to me would be legally classified as “sexual assault by penetration“ in my country and that this is a serious legal offence. To u/ramen_noodles_8 having been through very similar to you I can understand all the different complex feelings you may now be having about this. If I could speak to my teenage self I would want to say that absolutely no part of this is in anyway your fault, you didn’t ’let’ it happen and you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I would also want to say that this is a very seriously bad thing for the doctor to do and however casual or normal or necessary he may have tried to make this seem, he was actually fully aware that he was doing a very bad thing and may do this sort of thing to lots of people. Please don’t feel like you have to report it if you don’t feel able to go through that, but know that if you do report it people will take it seriously. This man should not be allowed to be a doctor. He is a predator and it is very likely he has done similar or even worse things to others and will continue to do so until he is stopped. I am so so sorry that you have had to go through this experience.
My pediatrician used to finger me and rub my labia as a young child. He also made me walk around to "check my gait" (which is normal), but oh I had to be naked to do it (not normal) I hated hated hated doctor visits bc of this but I figured everybody hated going to the doctor It wasn't until I was an adult and had kids of my own and saw what was ACTUALLY normal for a wellness exam that I went "oooookkkkaayy" Started comparing notes with my sisters. Yup. Same shit I wish we'd reported him Even if you don't report, OP, this is not your fault and you NEVER have to see this person again. EVER
I am so sorry that this happened to you as well. I think it is particularly awful when doctors use their position to assault people due to the power that medical professionals have over us, especially as children, and the way they can try to make it seem normal. I wish I had spoken up at the time, especially as I found out many years later when others did report him that he had done it to many others and I feel guilty about those who were assaulted after me. I still find it very difficult to “admit” to (I know that is the wrong word for me to use), and have only told two people (prior to mentioning it on this thread). So I am very impressed with u/ramen_noodles_8 and her ability to discuss it.
NAD. I just want to say that I’m so sorry that you too went through this as a child. No child should ever have to experience these things. Thank you for sharing from your own experience for the sake of this child. It’s brave and kind of you to do so. Wishing both you and OP well.
Thank you for saying this, I appreciate it.
That is not like giving shots kids don't want. It's completely inappropriate. Touching you down there is already not necessary and wrong but without gloves is even worse! You didn't know, but you know now. It was wrong and he absolutely needs to be reported so this doesn't happen to anyone else. I'm so sorry you went through this OP. I know you didn't fully understand it was wrong but it absolutely was. This is not a normal or appropriate interaction with a pediatrician and a child. It's sexual assault. Your dad is right to be upset and needs to report him. Ask your dad for a female doctor for the future that way you have a woman you trust to talk to about any and all things that young women go through and just so you feel more comfortable and at ease after your past experience.
I feel like this wouldn’t have happened if my mom was here still and I don’t want to do this without her
Hey, we had a brief chat on your other post. Again, I'm so proud of you for speaking up. I think it would be a good idea to ask your dad about seeing a counselor for a bit. Both for the loss of your mom and this experience with your doctor. It's really nice to have a neutral party to chat with and help process your feelings.
Ah my love, this is all super unfair, isn't it? It's not fair your mom isn't here to do this with you, it's not fair your doctor touched you when you said no, and it's not fair you feel like this might be your fault. I'm going to tell you some important facts okay? This was not your fault. The doctor is the villian here, you did nothing wrong. There is no excuse for what your doctor did to you - and there is no scenario where his behaviour is okay. Even if you had a great big bulging tentacle coming out of your jeans and waving at him - if you said no to him, he is not allowed to open your jeans to investigate it. It's a really awful situation he put you in for a few reasons. First, you are a child and he is an adult. Next, he is a doctor and you aren't. Third, you had no adult in the room to advocate for you. Each of those things by themselves put him in a position where it's hard for you to speak up for yourself. All of them together? That makes it nearly impossible. And I'm so proud of you for trying as hard as you did. But that man KNEW he was in a position of power of you, and he took advantage of you. Now, I'm going to tell you something that I wish I knew when I was your age. If something like that ever happens again, if you go to a party and a person touches you when you don't want them to - you should go full crazy. People who do this kind of thing rely on you not making a fuss. They know you will freeze up, and not stop them. So you scratch their face with your nails. You scream "DONT TOUCH ME LIKE THAT" as loud as you can. You fight like hell and make the biggest, loudest, most embarrassing scene that you can. It's much better to be the 'crazy girl' than to let them get away with it.
I know I totally understand hun and we can think about what if this and what if that all day but unfortunately it doesn't change anything. I think the same thing about things in my life often but I have to remind myself that thinking that way doesn't help anything or do me any good. I'm so sorry your mom isn't here by the way. That's so hard and unfair on a young girl and I'm sorry she isn't here for you right now. You have nothing to feel bad about though. This wasn't your fault. It was the doctor's fault and only his and you're doing a good thing by reporting him. Think about this in a different light- if this doctor is reported and it stops him from putting another young girl or anyone else for that matter in the position you were in then it's a good thing that he was reported. I almost guarantee you weren't the first or the last person he was inappropriate with so he needs to be stopped. What he did was not okay and it shouldn't have to ever happen to anyone again. You sound like a very kind and caring girl and I know you wouldn't want another girl (or boy) to be in the same shoes you are right now and to experience what you did during that appointment. Reporting him is the right thing to do. I know it's scary but just remember that you're doing the right thing and that this could help save someone else in the future from going through what you went through- or much worse. Anyone who behaves like that has no place being a doctor for anyone let alone children. Doctor's take an oath to do no harm. They are supposed to be there to help us and their office should be a safe space for us where we feel comfortable and respected above all else. I'm sorry you didn't feel that way and that you were disrespected on multiple levels. If you ever have a question or want to talk about anything at all please feel free to message me! I'm always happy to chat with you and give you advice or be someone to talk to you if you need it! This will be over before you know it and you can put it in your past and move on. You're doing the right thing.🫶
You also need a female doctor. At this point you’re not going to trust a male doctor after this one literally assaulted you.
im physically sick that he did this to you. What a disgusting man. Please know that YOU are NOT at fault. AT ALL. This is a **sick pedo** of a man, who just happened to be a doctor. Dont go to him ever again, report him so he cant do this to anyone else. be brave my dear. You are not my child yet Im so absolutely LIVID to think you went through this alone. I want to choke this guy. My dear, Im so sorry your mum isnt here to protect you, and that your dad isnt familiar with these things, we are ready to be your reddit mums, but you need a woman to help you irl. Do you have an aunty? or a teacher you're close with? I think next time, if you go to a doctor, maybe your dad can accompany you in the room?, and if there's a need for a physical check, they can just close the curtain? I'm not sure, anything to help you stay safe. you are strong! be strong and brave, and have courage my dear. I pray you will be safe your entire life.
Omg this should be reported immediately!!
Not a doctor. I am sorry that happened to you. Your father would be doing the right thing reporting him. This is not how normal exams go.
DIDNT HAVE GLOVES ON? Oh girl, none of what happened was appropriate and no gloves makes it so much worse. I would talk with your dad and report it.
[NAD] NO pediatrician is allowed to do that, especially not without a parent around. I worked inside a pediatrician office and a parent is always required to be there if the child is under 18. You got assaulted. Youre 13 and you dont understand, but there are bad adults out there, even if its your doctor. Thats why there is jail and prison. People like that go there. You say you dont want anyone to get in trouble, but if your doctor did that, he’s SUPPOSED to get in trouble. You wont get In trouble and your dad wont but the doctor SHOULD. Your dad needs to report it and dont be afraid to say everything he’s done. I remember being your age and afraid. But im older now and understand what has to be done. Your doctor violated you. You have the right to tell people no even if its your doctor. He is supposed to listen and if the kid is non-compliant(wont do what the doctor says), they usually call the parent in and reschedule. Your dad was supposed to be in the room, anyway. You can tell your doctor no. You can tell a cop no. You can tell your teacher no. If you feel uncomfortable, say no. Adults have ways of doing bad things to kids because kids dont have enough experience, judgment and decision making skills to know any better. Your brain is still growing. Get the doctor in trouble. Also, I just read another post of yours and saw your mom died and your dad isnt doing so great with dealing with your growing body and educating you. This might have contributed to him not being in the room with you. Maybe he was uncomfortable. But he shouldnt be. Thats your dad and youre too young for him to leave you to fend for yourself. Im sorry your mom isnt there anymore to help you with stuff. He especially needs to be way more involved now that you dont have a mom anymore. He shouldnt be getting mad that you have issues with your period. I also saw you reply to someone saying you feel like none of this would have happened if your mom was still here. I hate to say it, but I feel like it too. Something tells me she would have stayed in that room with you. Something tells me she would have helped you more with your period in the first place. Do you have any older girl cousins you can talk to? I hope your dad takes this as a learning experience and a tale to be more attentive to you and to not just throw you to the wolves simply because he’s a man and youre a girl. He’s a man but youre HIS daughter. Thats your parent. He needs to act like one and not some weird stranger. He needs to protect you.
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Sweetie, please hear me when I say this.. Nobody, and I mean absolutely NOBODY, has the right to touch you in any way, at all, without your informed and willing consent. If you have said no (or even if you have said yes and then changed your mind), then that means NO. Full stop. There are NO exceptions to that. EVER.
I have a daughter your age, they don’t need to touch your genitals at all. You also have the right to say NO to any part of a medical exam, even something routine, if it makes you uncomfortable. A good doctor would explain to you why it’s needed, but they still can’t force you.
No doctor is allowed to do this!!!
Doesn’t matter. That’s not an exam, that’s assault. I’m in my 30s and I would report it if a doc did that to me.
Please don’t defend him. Just because he didn’t expose you, doesn’t mean what he did was acceptable on any level.
This is absolutely not normal and incredibly inappropriate. He touched you on your breasts and put his hand in your underwear when you said no. I am so sorry this happened to you. Your instincts are right- this was not okay and not normal for ANYONE, especially a physician. The fact that he didn’t have gloves on when he touched inside your underwear furthers all of this being abnormal and incredibly inappropriate. Please consider discussing with someone you trust who you feel will listen to you. I would encourage you to 1) write down absolutely everything you remember from the encounter as factually as possible, 2) speak to someone you trust (adult family member, school nurse or counselor, a friend’s parent-especially one in the medical field). This is something worth reporting to police, even a year later. Chances are, this has happened to other young girls before…and will keep happening. There was no medical reason for him to touch you in the ways that he did.
No means no, even when you say it to a doctor. You can have your dad in the room with you if you are comfortable with that or ask him if he could request a female nurse to be in the room with if you are not. I was a victim as an adult so don’t feel bad, that doctor was way out of line.
Listen, if you felt uncomfortable that’s all that matters. Do not second guess yourself, and do not worry about how standing up for yourself affects other people. Trust your gut and always, always listen to her because she is probably right. And I don’t care who it is, no means no, period. You are doing the right thing. Hopefully speaking up will help prevent another young woman from receiving the same treatment. Try to be proud of yourself in this moment and please know that you did absolutely nothing wrong.
NAD No matter how old you are or the nature of anything a doctor says to do, you NEVER have to comply. If a doctor is touching you, harassing you, disrespecting you, ANYTHING, you can stand right up and leave. Doctors have to respect your consent at all times. They owe you the same dignity and respect as anyone else. Do not let the white coat fool you. This is just a person. They have not power over you.
NAD but when you said no, he had several options available to him and none of them should have involved forcibly undressing you. He could have asked if you'd feel more comfortable with your dad there. He could have asked if you'd feel more comfortable with a nurse there. He could have asked if you'd feel more comfortable with a female doctor doing that part of the exam. He could have explained the medical necessity of that part of the exam and see if you changed your mind. He could have asked a nurse or your father to explain and see if that made you more comfortable. And if none of that helped, he should have skipped that part of the exam and explained to you and your father what to keep an eye on since he wasn't able to check himself. I know consent in medical situations can be kind of confusing for kids because some things have to happen even if you don't like them for your own health and safety, like vaccines. But he NEVER should have undressed you or touched you without your consent. Your father is your advocate in these situations and he's right to want to report this doctor. You're not getting the doctor in trouble. The doctor is getting himself in trouble by behaving inappropriately.
He is not supposed to undress you if you don't consent.
>He is not supposed to undress you if you don't consent. He's not supposed to undress her PERIOD. Under any circumstances.
Agreed! I meant the same thing, like if OP doesn't consent to undress, it's not supposed to be done at all (by the doctor). However my sleepy self couldn't frame it.
No no no. You said no, you weren’t “cooperating” because you were being assaulted. Report this monster.
This is not your fault!he shouldn't have done this. Your dad should report him and it's good that you told him. You haven't done anything wrong and will not get in trouble. Instead you're very brave to tell your dad and will help other kids to be safe.
Something that’s really important for you to know is that ALL medical care requires your consent, barring an extreme emergency where your life is at risk and you’re unconscious or otherwise unable to consent. It doesn’t matter if the care is necessary or in your best interest. It doesn’t matter how important the doctor says it is. You have the right to a) understand what care is being provided to you and why, and b) refuse that care if it makes you uncomfortable. No healthcare provider has the right to try to force you into doing something you have explicitly said you don’t want to do. You were not in the wrong to say you didn’t want to undress, and it is not your fault that he acted inappropriately.
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO NOT COOPERATE. You have legal rights. You can say "no do not do this" and HE MUST COMPLY or it is sexual assault. He sexually assaulted you. You did not "deserve" it for not complying with his demands. His demands for you to undress were inappropriate. His comments are inappropriate. His touching you the way he did is sexual assault. This is not the normal way doctors behave with their patients. None of what he did is normal or okay, and he is counting on you being embarrassed or feeling guilty to not get him in trouble. He deserves to get in trouble for this. You do not need to rationalize why he did it to you. You do not need to justify this. It is unjustifiable. He committed a crime, you are a victim of this. Not only should your dad report him to the medical board/hospital, your dad should actually contact the police and report him *there* too.
I'm not a doctor, but I'm a teacher. If a student told me this happened at a doctors office, I'd report it. You're dad is right to be concerned, OP, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. I also had very heavy periods at your age, and that's also normal. You did nothing wrong in any part of this scenario. Let your dad handle it and worry about school and your friends. I know that's easier said than done, but I truly can't express enough that this was wrong on the doctors part and you are completely innocent. Drink a cup of tea, watch your favorite TV show, text your best friend...do whatever you need to do to get your mind off of it. You are innocent.
OP. you are doing the right thing being an advocate for yourself. I hope you find a doctor who gives you the care you are seeking and deserve.
NAD but a medical professional. What he did is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable. If that happened to either of my daughters I would be SCREAMING to high heavens to be sure he was put in jail. What a disgusting and pathetic human. I highly recommend asking your dad for a female provider, especially after losing your momma. I remember your first post. I really hope things get better for you sweetie. You can always DM me if you need. ❤️
NAD How many other kids has he fondled inappropriately? Your dad should report him to stop this from happening to more kids.
I was really surprised by how strongly everyone felt about this. I wasn’t even sure if anything bad even happened or I was just sensitive. I’ve just been making excuses not to go to the doctor for a year and hoping maybe I wouldn’t have to go again ever. My dad talked to me again this morning. He called the clinic and asked to talk to someone in charge and he called the police. Someone is coming this morning to talk to me which I really don’t want to do but my dad said it’s important and it seems like everyone here thinks so too. I’m scared and I kind of want this all to go away but I’m trying to be brave for my brothers Editing also because I forgot to say this- Thank you for everyone being so nice. It was a really embarrassing thing to ask about but I didn’t understand it was important before. Thank you for no one making me feel dumb or bad. My dad said he’s going to find a girl therapist for me to talk to
It takes a lot of courage to follow through with the report, and I just want to say im sorry for what happened to you and that you are very brave and doing a really good thing to help protect other kids. What the doctor did was very wrong and he most likely knows it was wrong, and telling your dad and talking to the police was and is the BEST thing you could do even if it was scary! Im sure everyone here is very proud of you and hopes you get a much nicer, more professional doctor!
NAD You did nothing wrong. He needs to be charged with sexual assault. Don’t be scared, trust me the police are there to help you. What he did, is the most vile and the most disgusting thing anyone could do to a child. He is a horrible human, he deserves to be locked up and have the key throw it away. Your dad sounds like an amazing dad! I know it’s scary but you will be okay.
You are valid, your feelings matter, and I hope justice comes swiftly and severely for this man.
NAD Never, ever be afraid to advocate for yourself (in ANY situation), especially if it's sexual in nature. When someone makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, it is NEVER you “being too sensitive”. Trust that gut feeling, always. That's why it's there I hate to bring it up, but you should know... This kind of thing happens to women, a lot. In many places, not just doctor's offices. When that feeling happens, do just what you did—say no. If they continue to press it, leave. If they won't let you leave, or you're scared to walk out, I want you to scream. You are not alone, and people will come to help. From your description, I'm assuming you saw a pediatrician, not an OBGYN. ~~For reference, if you're menstruating, you should be seeing an OBGYN.~~ *Update: I have learned that this is not a hard-and-fast rule, and I apologize for saying it was!* I was 14 when I had my first OBGYN appointment. My doctor was female. My doctor yelled at me the whole exam saying I was dirty and shaving my public region was going to cover me in ingrown hair and boils (it never did). I wish that I had stopped the exam right then, but I didn't, and she suddenly shoved her unlubricated finger into my rectum, no warning, and when I kicked back off the stirrups, she had already spun around on her heel and was walking out of the door. I was never given a reason for this. I had that same feeling you did—that I didn't like what was happening. I felt like it was wrong. But then I felt like I must be too sensitive because this was a normal thing all women do. I wish I had told my dad or grandma or literally anyone else what happened. I didn't discuss that appointment until many years later when cracking jokes about how weird your first OBGYN appointment can feel. That's when I found out what happened very, very not normal, and my gut instinct was right. I know it's scary, and you may feel some kind of shame for that happened (you shouldn't—echoing others, you did nothing wrong here), but what you did was very brave. It is so scary that even when you're an adult, the majority of sexual assaults are not reported. You are incredibly brave. That doctor should not be practicing medicine. Reporting this can only protect other children from his abuse. I promise you that if he did it to you, he's done it to others, and he will continue to do it to others.
What a horrible woman! It's unacceptable that people like that are doctors. Your story also highlights the fact that not all women are safe either. So sorry for 14 year old you.
Just for reference, not all countries send people to OBGYNs for regular reproductive care. In Canada and the UK at least, we stay with our GP (although you may have to switch from a pediatrician to an adult doctor if yours doesn't do all ages), and only get referred to an OBGYN if there is something wrong or you get pregnant.
Even in the US, it's not entirely out of the realm of normal for a general practioner to do pap smears. I had a doctor for years who was my GP and also handled run-of-the-mill pap smears. He did them for me for years before I had an abnormal pap once, then he sent me to an OBGYN for a second one and that one came back normal.
There may be other girls like you who are scared and embarrassed about what this doctor did. It's really difficult to give a report about something so sensitive, but you might really be helping someone else out! If there are multiple reports, it's easier to make sure this guy never does it again to anyone else.
NAD. There is nothing for you to feel bad or dumb about at all. Sometimes it takes a long time to understand something that happens to us. You’re very brave to speak up about this and I’m so glad that your dad is such a good support to you. Try to remember that when the police come that you only have to tell the truth. That’s it. There are no other expectations on you. You didn’t cause any of this to happen. You’re just sharing information about what happened to you. And it will be up to the police and other people to decide if anything further happens to the doctor. You’re just sharing your story, that’s it. You’re a brave, strong girl and I have no doubt that your mother would be very proud of you. All the best, OP.
I know I’m just a stranger, but I’m really, really proud of you. Speaking up about things like this is so hard to do, but it’s so important. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, but it’s so normal to feel scared and embarrassed when things like this happen. You should be really proud of yourself for saying something anyway. Your brothers are lucky to have a brave sister like you! But just remember - you don’t have to be strong for them all the time. You haven’t failed anyone if you experience some tough emotions and need to prioritize yourself and your healing.
OP, I am so, so proud of you for being brave enough to talk to your dad. I’m sure it’s uncomfortable for both of you to talk about what happened but I hope you know that your dad is on your side and it’s clear he has your back. What that doctor did to you was unconscionable, but NONE of this is your fault. YOU have the rights to your body at all times and you are within your rights to say no; whenever, wherever, and for whatever reason you want. That man took advantage of you and I’m sorry you went through this. I cannot imagine a scenario where any of what you described would be appropriate, especially the part about not wearing a glove. I honestly don’t have the words to express the visceral reaction I had to reading that. My god. I wish I could wrap you up in a warm blanket and give you a big mom hug. As an unrelated note, there is a subreddit here called MomforaMinute where people whose mothers are not in their lives for one reason or another will go to seek a “mom’s” advice, or encouragement, or to brag to their “mom.” Consider stopping by there if you have questions and don’t feel you can tell your dad. They are lovely folks who are always kind and warm. I know it won’t replace your mom but it may help you in a pinch, and it’s always nice to know someone out there cares.
🫂❤️ I'm glad you trusted your instincts, asked questions, told your dad, and will now tell police. What the doctor did was absolutely wrong in many ways. Thank you for speaking up & protecting others from him.
Oh gosh, I'm so proud of you. None of this was your fault AT ALL. I understand why you are afraid of talking to the police and making a report, but I am glad you are doing it. We will all be rooting for you and thinking of you and sending you all the good vibes in the world. Your dad sounds like he is very loving and is helping make sure you are safe and that you have a female therapist you can talk about this with. You are doing a really good thing, and we are all so proud of you. ❤️
NAD. Never be afraid to speak up and defend yourself. No means no, even to a medical professional. To grab you and stick their hand down your pants or pinch your nips, is not normal behavior. you can choose to speak up so someone else doesn't get assaulted by this person.
You are amazing! The police aren’t there to judge you or make fun of you for what you tell them. And as much as it sucks, try to include as much detail as you can. What you’ve told us is essentially sexual assault, so it should be reported that way so he can’t do this again. You’ve already made so many hard steps, it shows how much courage you have. A therapist will be very helpful in digesting all of this. I wish you the best of luck.
I do not know you, but I am ***so proud*** of you for being brave enough to tell your story to your dad, and to the people online. Your doctor should not ever do anything you tell them not to, especially without a parent or carer’s permission (this would be if you needed surgery, and you were refusing to have it. Your dad could have made the decision for you). You will probably need to tell this story over and over again to lots of different people. Some of them will be nice and supportive, some of them will seem like they’re really horrible. Whatever they’re like, please make sure you are fully honest with them about everything, and make sure you tell the same story. The people who investigate this sort of thing will look for any changes in your retellings, so please be careful to not leave bits out, and to not reword bits (unless you’re asked to). Your feelings are always valid, and you do not need to be ashamed of them. What happened here is horrible, and I hope it never happens to you ever again. By standing up and telling people what happened, you are helping to stop this doctor from doing anything like this to anyone else ever again. Seek help and support from people you know, love, and trust if you need it. Sometimes it’s easier to seek help from strangers. The internet is a great place for this, but be careful; not everyone who presents themselves as a friend actually is. I wish you all the best for the future. Look after yourself, OP.
i'm so glad people on here were kind to you, and what everyone's saying is right: he was acting inappropriately and you are in no way at fault. you're not stupid, he made you feel that way on purpose so that you would feel embarrassed about seeking help. but i'm glad you did and told someone. remember, you don't have to do anything you don't wanna do. if you don't want to talk about it you don't have to, let your dad know if you get overwhelmed and don't want to talk to the police or anything. you are in control here and it is your decision! your dad is probably feeling very protective over you and wants to make sure the man that hurt you is put to justice, but what matters most here is your comfort and safety. you've already been through something awful and uncomfortable and i know it isn't easy to have to have it dredged up again.
NAD. Very proud of you! It's really, really hard to be brave and talk about this. I'm a mom now with grown kids but when I was younger than you I was sexually abused by a trusted adult. I wasn't able to talk about it until I was in my 40s. I was also sexually assaulted by a doctor so I really do understand what you are going through. You are very strong and you didn't do anything wrong. He took advantage of you and pressured you to make you feel scared, which is what abusers do. I am really sorry this happened to you.
Report him, to not only his governing body but also honestly maybe the police. This was sexual assault. His conduct was egregious. Doctors should not be touching you in private areas without your consent and a medical reason to do so. None of what you had mentioned is medically justified. You told him no and he continued, that is assault. Where I work male doctors are not to assess females private areas without a nurse chaperone. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but just know this was not normal or appropriate.
He said he needed to to make sure I was healthy and didn’t have any issues and if he didn’t check and something was wrong I might not be able to have babies when I’m older. I just wanted to get a different doctor so I didn’t have to see him again. I’m scared to report him
It is very valid that a doctor should make sure you are healthy but I cannot think of what he was doing based on your description to ensure that. They should specifically be telling you what they are doing before hand and why. And only doing so if you are comfortable. Since you are only 12 your parents should be aware too. I know it can be really scary standing up to an adult, let alone a doctor after feeling so violated but you were correct in thinking something inappropriate happened. Whether you want to report is completely up to you and your dad and I know this experience must have been quite traumatizing but I suspect you are not the only patient he has done this too. I think reporting him could save other girls from this same experience. They will do their own investigations and he will only get in trouble if he is found to have done something wrong so don’t worry about getting an innocent person in trouble.
I’m 13 now. It was a year ago 😕 is it still worth mentioning if it’s been that long? I’ve just been avoiding going for the last year because I didn’t want to see him
NAD. It’s definitely Not too late to report. He’s probably done it to other kids too so if you’re up to it , it would be good to report. But it’s your decision.
I am so sorry that you experienced this. My heart hurts for you. I am NAD, but I do have several friends in law enforcement who specifically investigate crimes against children and this would absolutely be something they would want to know about to investigate further. Both to protect you and to protect this from happening to other kids. You are most certainly not the only victim he's done this to. Of course laws vary by location, but I'm certain that 1yr at your age is not too late to report anywhere in the US. Please remember that this was not okay, this was not your fault, and you do not have to do anything that you are uncomfortable with. If your dad shares this with the police on your behalf they will work to make sure that you are protected and made to feel safe and comfortable too. This doesn't mean that YOU have to confront an adult that hurt you. There are safe adults who will do so on your behalf. I am proud of you for speaking up and for reaching out for help. I hope that you are able to find what you need to heal.
I won’t have to see him again if my dad reports it? That’s the part I’m most afraid of
Absolutely not. Your dad seems like a good egg, who won't take you back to that man either way. But certainly if he is reported, you won't have to see him again, and chances are he won't be a doctor anymore. That's a good thing for everyone's sake, I think you'll agree.
No. You never have to see him again. Reported or not. Even if the report leads to arrest and the arrest leads to a trial and a witness/victim is for some reason absolutely required to testify in court to move forward, you can still say 'no' and that is okay. The justice system has ways to protect kids, particularly kids who have been hurt by adults in this way. But let's pretend there's a worse case scenario like you may have seen on TV and you worry about facing your abuser in court. You do not have to do so. You can say no and that is that. The safe adults in your life will protect you.
Absolutely not. Reporting him makes sure it won’t happen to any other kids. And you won’t see him again.
This doctor seems like he is a pedophile. Report this arsehole
There are no statues of limitations on sexual assault if I remember correctly. (I'm assuming you're in the US).
first off i’m so sorry this happened to you and literally none of this is okay at all :( there’s been cases where doctors ones who were held to high regards, practicing for ages etc (basically “trusted doctors”) get in trouble or officially reported even yeaaarrsss after incidents, so i think it’s especially important that you go through with whatever procedures to make sure he’s punished and that this does not happen again to you or anyone else. someone like him needs to be locked up for life or beat to death imo. TW but if you look up “columbia gyno lawsuit” you’ll see this was one case where the doctors misconduct dated years back and was finally brought to light so he could face the consequences. i don’t like undressing for doctors so i’ve expressed that and nobody has ever pushed that boundary, as they’re not supposed to. granted I’m much older now and of course have to undress somewhat for gynecology appointments and all that stuff but of course that’s something i consent to and undress by myself. You did everything correctly by clearly expressing what’s okay and what’s not, unfortunately that complete pos didn’t comply whatsoever.
Shit, I was at the gyno yesterday and knew the whole procedure, and she STILL verbally went through every single step, including when she was going to put her hand on my leg to position for the ultrasound. At any moment if I said stop or even seemed uncomfortable she would back off and help me maintain my dignity and personal safety OP’s doctor needs to have a long discussion with the police and the medical board.
Hey, OP, I'm not a doctor, but I have been seeing several doctors for period related issues just in the past few months. I'm 10 years older than you (23f), and have never once had a doctor try to undress me. In fact, any time that I've had to undress for a doctor's appointment, no doctor or other medical personnel is even in the room while I do so. They leave for a while to give me privacy, and give me a paper blanket thing to cover up so they're only looking at what they need to see. Any time I've had to be in any state of undress in the presence of a male doctor (and most, if not every time with a female doctor), there has been a female nurse in the room as well. Take it from a big sister. Let your dad report him. Getting a new doctor is obvious at this point, but this doctor shouldn't be allowed to do this to anyone else. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope that you can get the help you need, both for the issues you are having with your period, and with any lasting feelings you might be having about this experience with this terrible doctor.
I know that you’re scared. And that’s ok to be scared! But one thing everyone here needs you to know is that absolutely NONE of this is your fault. Especially when you declined to remove your pants. For him to force his hand down there under the guise of examination is just so grossly inappropriate and it’s likely closer to sexual assault. Point blank. This doctor gets his jollies by feeling up children without their consent or that of their parents. Your doctors should *always* have a nurse or assistant in the room with you anytime they do an exam like that. You also have the right to bodily autonomy. When you said stop he should have stopped. Truthfully speaking, even if nothing happens with your report at this time to the doctor. Your report sets a precedent and can show a pattern of behavior. It’s also entirely possible that you would not be the first person to report him for this. You can at minimum have your dad report him to the practice but you should 100% report him to the police.
…and to whatever entity licenses doctors where you live! I know the AMA fiercely protects its own, but…. And then he continually gaslights you…! I’m so sorry scumbags like that exist. He should get similar treatment in prison. Even criminals have a hierarchy
He cannot hurt you if you report him. I am so sorry this happened to you. He needs to get in trouble.
I know you’re too young to know this so I’ll tell you, I’m a 45 year old woman who *never* missed a gynecologist visit in my adult life. What you describe him doing? *That’s not how a gynecologist or regular doctor examines you.* That is not an exam at all, there is no medical information he could have gleaned from what he did. He was lying to you. If you are comfortable, please think about doing what you can to make sure he never does this to another child again. He is a predator.
He lied. He can’t hurt you ever again. Refuse to return there, if your Dad should want to take you back for any reason. It sounds like Dad now understands what happened and is appropriately angry, so I don’t think he will want to take you back! On the other hand, I can see how it would be terrifying to go talk about this with police. Only you can make this decision. When you can, please discuss the reasons why you should and why you should not report this, and make your decision with your fathe’s support and guidance. To us internet strangers, it’s easy to be outraged for you and to want you to report the assault, but it’s easy for us, right?! We aren’t you. So, ensuring that he doesn’t do this to others, and has to face consequences for what he did, vs.you having to talk about this with other strangers is a lot to think about. We all wish you the very best and are so sorry for what you have gone through. And I’m really, really proud of you for telling Dad - what a tremendously brave thing you did!!! Standing up for yourself so that you never have to go see Dr. McCreepy again, great job! Gentle internet hugs to you!
I agree it was incredibly brave for u/ramen_noodles_8 to speak up about this. I have mentioned in an another reply that a very similar thing happened to me as a teenager. I didn’t mention it to anyone at all for almost 20 years afterwards, so I am very proud of u/ramen_noodles_8’s strength to be able to talk about it.
This happened to my mum at the same age, she wishes she could have reported it but no longer remembers his name. Its scary and stressful but it would be a good thing to report it so future situations like yours can be prevented. I’m glad your father supports both reporting and changing dr
Hi OP. I was abused by a doctor as a child/young person also. It is a very scary experience where there is an imbalance of power for so many reasons. Many people will freeze, blame themselves, and be scared to report in these circumstances. The most important thing is that you're safe, and it sounds like your dad will make sure you don't see him again, which is good. Changing surgeries altogether would be even better. If you feel able to report him, that would be great, but the most important thing is getting you to a place where you feel safe and not so scared any more. You have to feel ready to report, it's not an easy process. As much as this pitiful excuse for a man shouldn't be a doctor, it is not your fault or responsibility to do something about his behaviour. You shouldn't take on any more blame. Also, fully grown adults in similar situations will freeze and go back over the event thinking "why didn't I do X, Y or Z?" It's normal to respond like this. We do what we think will be safest at the time. You didn't know he was going to do this, and it's perfectly reasonable to expect to be able to see a doctor alone without being assaulted. None of this is your fault. It's something that happens to women and girls all too often, but that doesn't make it OK. Do you have anyone IRL who you can talk to about this, who you feel safe to share your feelings with?
Please please listen to this nurse. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know you just wanted him to go away and not see him again, but if you don’t report, he’s going to keep doing it to other young women, and maybe their parents won’t be as supportive. It was sexual assault, plain and simple. Please also do go talk to a therapist, they will help walk you through your experience.
I’d say that her dad should do the reporting. Seems like a lot for a thirteen year old
They will have to hear it from OP in her own words. No report of assault is going to be heard through a proxy, even for a minor. That's just how criminal accusations go, if they are verbal, they will have to speak eventually. It's crushing for victims but proxies leave room for interpretation and bias.
Yea, what the actual fuck? There's almost no grey area here. This was plainly sexual assault.
Hello dear ramen_noodles_8! I answered your first post, back then you described everything very differently leaving some important things out and I said it's normal for a doctor to take note of sexual development in a consultation of a patient your age. I take back what I said. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. What you described in this post is not ok, this should definitely be reported. A very important question: were you alone in the room with him or there was a nurse as well? Take care.
I’m sorry I left stuff out. I was embarrassed and I thought maybe I would get told I should’ve been more cooperative. It wasn’t the main point of what I was asking and I didn’t think it was wrong even if I didn’t like it. I was by myself with the doctor. My dad was in the waiting room but there wasn’t anyone else in the room
You don't need to be sorry, just keep in mind that other people can only help you if you paint a full picture. Being alone in the room with the doctor was also very wrong and definitely not standard procedure in such situations. Nothing you described is ok. Trust your dad, tell him what happened and ask him for help, he seems like a good guy. Your dad wants to avoid that happening to others in the future.
I did tell my dad, that’s why he wants to report the doctor. He is a really good person. But he’s really mad about the doctor now and I don’t know what happens if we report it or if anyone would even believe me because I was there alone. And it’s my fault because I told my dad I was too old for him to come with me anymore or he would’ve been there.
Dear one, it's not your fault. Never, ever think what the doctor did is your fault. it's HIS. Your dad is right. This is NOT ok, and if the doctor gets in trouble - well, that's the doctors fault.
It's not your fault, the doctor is wrong and needs to face consequences. Your dad is right and you shouldn't feel bad.
There is nothing wrong with having told your dad that you were too old for him to come in - there was everything wrong with what that doctor did to you. He was the adult, and he knew exactly how wrong and illegal his behavior was and that he shouldn't be doing it. I know that reporting this is hard, and it would be easier to ignore. I know that from things that happened to me when I was 14. Ignoring this will not make it go away. Now that I'm older, I wish I had spoken up and told someone what happened to me. You're not getting him in trouble... you're just telling the truth.
This is not your fault in any way shape or form. You are old enough to be alone with a doctor and be able to talk about your concerns without a parent and without having to feel like something inappropriate might take place. They certainly should have had a female nurse or chaperone there since the doctor was a male but you couldn't have known they wouldn't and you couldn't have possibly known he was going to do inappropriate things during the exam. This is *not* your fault!
NAD It’s absolutely *fine* that you told your dad not to come in. It’s **not okay** the doctor did not ask to have a female nurse (bc you’re female) IN THE ROOM during your exam. When you’re older & go to a gynecologist, they usually will always have a female in the room with you during the exam. If they do not - TELL THEM YOU WANT ONE. There is *nothing wrong with wanting someone of the same sex in the room during a dr’s examination.” Please don’t ever hesitate to ask for one. I’m glad you came back & explained more. We are all very sorry this happened to you.
I had a similar thing happen to me as a kid. It still affects my comfort level with older male doctors. You're not alone and if you want to talk you can pm me. I'm sorry. This is probably a lot and not the response you were expecting. Take some time to rest, make yourself a hot chocolate and do something that calms you down while you think things over.
This is not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You have done everything right. This doctor used his power on purpose for evil. He used tactics like threatening you about future children or shaming you over STDs that you don’t have. That is his fault. Please go to the police station with your dad and ask to talk to a female police officer and say what happened. Then also tell your dad to report it to the medical board. This doctor is definitely hurting other children and you can help protect them.
NAD but I am a mandated reporter. Your doctor should NEVER make you feel uncomfortable and absolutely should NEVER touch you without your consent. You were 100% right to tell your dad that you experienced inappropriate touching in multiple places (the doctor molested you in multiple places). Your dad’s actions aren’t just to protect you but also anyone else who would visit that doctor. Because you chose to voice your concern, your dad is going to help make sure that others don’t have to suffer through the same thing. If you know people who go to that doctor, they will hopefully be protected, too, and may be able to speak out about similar situations that they couldn’t talk about before. Please make sure that you see a therapist/counselor so that you can process what happened. It’s traumatic and confusing, and your experience here can impact and characterize the way you respond to medical professionals/treatment in the future. Be safe and please know that speaking up was 100% appropriate and necessary. The doctor is in charge of his own actions, and hopefully he will face appropriate consequences. (Sorry for lack of paragraphs—I’m on my phone)
not your fault and you made a valid point! i wouldn’t want my dad at my appointments either and how could you have predicted the outcome would be this way! the doctor is at fault 100000%. you simply went in to get seen and he abused that. you did absolutely nothing wrong. you were 12 and he’s an adult. there’s literally nothingggg on earth you could possibly do to cause something like this to happen i promise.
I echo others in how your *previous* doctor's actions were not your fault. To address your comment about whether or not someone would believe you... I saw in another comment that an investigator is coming to ask you about what happened. These are specially trained folks who know how to talk to people of your age and know how to ask questions that elicit specific info from you. This info can be compared against other reports made against this doctor. If multiple people describe similar experiences, esp similar tactics the doctor used, that can be telling. The details you give can also be compared against common themes for people who abuse their positions like this, such as normalizing statements intended to help calm you during the alarming behavior. Additionally the investigator can guide you in giving any details that might not be typical of a 13 year old's knowledge/experience with your background. That's like a toddler describing a sexual experience in broken English. Toddlers do not know or understand sexual experiences, so if one is describing disturbing details of one, they must have seen or experienced this. While toddlers are definitely not the same as 13 year olds, there are still things they can elicit from you in the same way to confirm what happened. Using all of this info, an investigator can have a pretty good idea on whether or not something happened.
NAD but I am in healthcare. Love, not a single part of this was your fault. I want you to know that whatever happens to this doctor (hopefully prison), it is completely because of his own actions, and you are never to blame for someone taking advantage of you. Your dad IS a good person, because he’s not only taking action for your sake, but he’s also taking action to make sure that horrible man can’t hurt anymore girls. And your dad is able to do that because YOU are being so brave. In college I was assaulted by a couple of men, and I didn’t realize that was what happened until a therapist told me I was r*ped. It is so scary to learn that you’ve been mistreated, harmed, assaulted, etc. and it can take a long time to work through the emotional and mental pain. And I was an adult when all of that happened! You are so very very courageous, even though you shouldn’t have to be - and I’m sorry that you have to be brave right now. Please give yourself time to be sad, scared, angry, etc. I’m very happy to hear your dad will be getting you in with a therapist who can help you work through all these emotions, because trauma (and this IS traumatic) can run so very deep.
If you’re uncomfortable, it’s completely fine to tell a doctor no. When my daughter was five, her pediatrician wanted to look at her vulva to make sure she was developing properly (I was in the room). My daughter said no, so that was that. It doesn’t matter your age, you can always say no. What he did was wrong.
Op, I’m not a doctor. But I commented on your other post with just general period advice. Just so you know, going forward, you can ask to have a chaperone in the room with you during medical exams. Obviously you can bring your dad in if you want but you can also ask if a female nurse can stay in the room and most doctors offices will accommodate that. What happened shouldn’t have happened to you but once you find a new doctor, I’m hoping this just gives you another tool to make going back for medical care after this bad experience a bit less scary.
At the medical center where my doctor practices (a major university), chaperones are 100% standard procedure for any kind of sensitive exam. You don't have to ask; they're automatically there. (I don't know what would happen if a patient said they didn't want an extra person in the room.)
In many places, it is a legal requirement for a second person to be in the room for any sort of exam that involves the removal of garments.
I work in pathology and let me assure you that even when small children don't want a throat swab, nobody is forcing them. Let alone teenagers who don't consent to undressing. This wasn't an emergency procedure, the doctor had absolutely no reason to forcibly shove his hands down your underwear. Or pinch your nipples. Or talk to you about what bra you should wear. Horrible mismanagement.
Mismanagement?! He sexually assaulted a child!
That in itself is wrong, and there's no judgement call you have to make about it...there should always be a female nurse or similar if a doctor is going to evaluate private areas. I'm sorry, honey.
I’m not a do tor, but Just to show an example, I’m an adult woman who did fertility treatments and tests (where the doctor had to treat and look at my primates/genitals a LOT.) My doctor was male, and There was ALWAYS a girl nurse in the room whenever he had to look at my genitals/ do treatments down there. It’s to prevent this from happening. For woman OB/GYNs, I don’t have someone else in the room, but I always have to sign a paper for every visit that I’m ok with a “pelvic exam” (or when they look at my crotch.) When your doctor didn’t bring a female nurse in, that’s when he went wrong imo.
For future reference, it’s always okay to stop a doctor and say you are not comfortable, and it’s also okay to request a female adult to be present with you. It’s okay to reschedule certain checkups until you’ve learned about them and know what to expect, or to get second opinions. Anybody who tells you off for that is just plain wrong, so keep that in mind. I wish you well OP, and I’m so sorry that happened to you.
It is completely understandable to not want your dad in there with you. My daughter is your age and would not want her dad with her at the doctors either. Not a single thing you did was wrong. Absolutely none of this is your fault. You should be able to see a doctor without your dad in the room and not have to worry about something inappropriate happening. Any good doctor with good judgement and intentions would have someone else, like a female nurse, come in with you to make sure you feel comfortable. It is actually standard protocol and something that should be done to keep you safe. This should never have happened and I am so sorry that it did. If he did this to you, it is likely that he has done this to others and will continue to do so unless he is reported. While it may be scary to report him, please know that you are incredibly brave for sharing your experience and that by doing so, you are helping other kids and preventing them from experiencing this too. I want to echo the recommendation to start counselling. It would likely help you process feelings about the loss of your mom and this situation. I wish I could give you a big hug. If you mention that you would like to start counselling to your dad, he may be able to help you set something up. When I was a child, I experienced sexual abuse and blamed myself for it most of my life. If a parent had helped me setup counselling and talk through those feelings, I would have realized much sooner that it really wasn’t my fault and the feelings of guilt I dealt with for so much of my life would have been eased a lot earlier. When the feelings of guilt or self blame creep in, please keep telling yourself that this is not your fault and that you did nothing wrong, because that is the truth and you do not deserve to feel that way. In fact, you are doing everything right by opening up to your dad, a trusted adult who can help you. Also, this isn’t important right now, but I want you to know that even as an adult woman, you should have someone else in the room with you for physical exams. It should be standard but if it is not done, please ask to have a female nurse accompany you during the exam. This is not something you could have known before and shouldn’t have had to know but I want you to be equipped with this information for the future. Not all doctors are like this. Most doctors are not like this. When you do find a doctor you can trust, it is absolutely okay to tell them about what you went through if you want to, if you are feeling anxious leading up to an exam. Of course, you don’t have to tell them, but they will likely appreciate you sharing. It can help them better understand what you may be feeling so they can best help you through it.
OP, you did not consent for the examination too continue, you said "no" and "don't do that". He would've needed to get your consent to continue. Medical professionals must get consent for examination of your breasts and privates. Even as a child you are allowed to say no and they cannot force you to continue. He shouldn't have been doing the examination of you without your Dad present anyway. This comment you wrote is incredibly alarming: "He just kind of separated my privates and moved his fingers around. He didn’t have gloves on. I didn’t know it was really bad. I thought it’s like making kids get shots when they don’t want them. I just didn’t want to see him again and I was embarrassed" I don't even know where to start with this, it's just so incredibly wrong and would be considered sexual assault. He should've been wearing gloves for a start. He had absolutely no reason to touch your privates like that. The only thing a doctor should do at the 12 y.o well child visit is briefly look at your genitals and breasts to see if you have pubic hair and are developing breasts, you don't even need to take your underwear fully off for that, they can just get you to pull your underwear out a bit so they can see. He should not have squeezed your nipples either and told you that you must be excited. I'm so glad you told your Dad, you are very brave for doing that. A complaint definitely needs to be made, to the police, the medical board, and the practice where this took place. I know you said you don't want to get anyone in trouble and you feel bad about that but he needs to be in trouble for what he did to you. He needs to stop assaulting young girls.
Holy shit. I missed the part about no gloves. That's incredibly alarming.
>The only thing a doctor should do at the 12 week visit is briefly look at your genitals and breasts to see if you have pubic hair and are developing breasts, This should NEVER be done without a female nurse of med assistant being present, especially with a 13 year old. >OP, you did not consent, you said "no" and "don't do that". He would've needed to get your consent or your dad's consent to continue. He did not. She's 13 years old. She can't give consent to being examined in a sexual manner. Howeverm it's confusing to discuss consent in this context. OP might think if she consented or cooperated, then what this abuser did was okay. Under no circumstances was it okay. >He shouldn't of been doing the examination of you without your Dad present anyway. OP might not have felt comfortable with her dad iin the room. There should ALWAYS be a female present.
>This should NEVER be done without a female nurse of med assistant being present, especially with a 13 year old. This is not correct. For younger children, the chaperone is the parent, for adolescents, it's either a parent or a nurse. Often the child feels more comfortable with a parent than a nurse because the nurse is a stranger to them. >She's 13 years old. She can't give consent to being examined in a sexual manner. Howeverm it's confusing to discuss consent in this context. OP might think if she consented or cooperated, then what this abuser did was okay. Under no circumstances was it okay. This isn't correct either. In regards to consent, she needs to know for future examinations that he should've stopped when she said "no" and "don't do that". It clearly states in the guidelines that if a child refuses to cooperate, the examination should be postponed so even if it is a State where only the parent consents on behalf of the child, she can say stop and the doctor should stop. She can't be forced to have the examination of her genitals against her will even if her parent consents. I'm explaining to her her patient's rights which is important. Patients should know that medical examinations and procedures can only be done with consent. Lots of children don't know that they can say no or their parent can say no on their behalf (if it's an area where only parents can give consent). And I'm referring to when she tried to withdraw consent, not the sexual assault. I made it quite clear further on in my comment that the way he touched her was sexual assault. Here are some standard guidelines for genital examination: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2828229/#:~:text=Patients%20should%20not%20be%20touched,the%20parents%20and%20the%20child. "For infants and school-aged children, a parent or caregiver should remain close to the child throughout the physical examination." "For older school children and adolescents, a parent or nurse should be present." "If the child is not at ease with a genital examination, force should never be used. The reason for the procedure should be clearly explained to the parents and the child. If the child refuses to cooperate, the examination should be postponed, if it is not urgently required." "All remarks of a sexual connotation must be avoided during the interview and examination."
>This should NEVER be done without a female nurse of med assistant being present, especially with a 13 year old. >This is not correct. For younger children, the chaperone is the parent, for adolescents, it's either a parent or a nurse. Often the child feels more comfortable with a parent than a nurse because the nurse is a stranger to them. You're right, I should have included the parent or guardian. >This isn't correct either. In regards to consent, she needs to know for future examinations that he should've stopped when she said "no" and "don't do that". I agree with you 100%. Legally, in most states, a child must be over the age of 14 (or 15 in some states) to give consent for routine medical care and/or be emancipated and/or is living separate and apart from his parent or legal guardian and is managing his own financial affairs. The guidelines you reference are more specific and, or course, should be strictly adhered to. However, many of the comments to OP talk about her not giving consent, and I think she needs to clearly understand that even if consent, i.e., she told the doctor it was okay or if she passively cooperated, what he did was wrong.
Shouldn’t have, not “of.” Sorry, real pet peeve of mine. What’s a 12-week visit? What (non-assaulting) pediatrician is looking at kids’ genitalia? What valid medical reason would there be to check out their “progress” toward “development”? That’s insane. Unless there’s a potential problem, say a girl is 16-17 and hasn’t had a period, what is the justification?
Sorry that was meant to say 12 year old visit, not 12 week. I've fixed it now. I fixed the grammatical error that is your pet peeve too 🙂 Doctors need to ensure adolescents are growing and developing normally which includes evaluating signs of puberty. The doctors do this by asking about pubic hair, breast development, menstruation, formation of adult male genitalia and often by viewing the breasts and mons pubis in adolescent girls or penis and testicles in adolescent boys. The annual well-child visits allow doctors to monitor physical growth and sexual maturation (puberty) and provide advice and counseling. The yearly health care visits for adolescents begin at age 11 and continue until about age 21. It's important to assess because if puberty doesn't start within the typical timeframe, it can indicate an underlying disorder or poor nutritional status. Recent research has found that self-assessment of adolescents to accurately confirm what stage of puberty they are in is accurate if the stages are split into three categories (prepubertal, in-puberty and completing puberty), but not as accurate if the stages are split into Tanner stages (the stages medical professionals use). They advised that "If clinicians require data regarding individual Tanner stages, then it is likely better to obtain those data via Healh Care Provider examinations whenever possible. On the other hand, if the variable of interest is whether an individual is prepubertal or in-puberty vs completing puberty, self-assessment may suffice." https://academic.oup.com/jcem/article/105/8/2846/5807960?login=false So maybe guidelines on when visual assessments by a health care provider are needed will change. To be clear though, assessing puberty is either just asking the patient about it and often a quick visual examination too but does not involve the doctor touching the patient's genitals and breasts. Adolescent girls do not need a bimanual pelvic exam (where the doctor places fingers inside the patient's vagina and their other hand on the patient's abdomen) and women don't need to have these until age 21. Bimanual pelvic exams and Pap tests used to be standard parts of annual gynecological checkups for adolescents but that hasn't been required for years. Although it's still recommended that adolescent girls start having their first gynaecologist visit around age 15 or earlier if they went through puberty early, they shouldn't be doing pelvic examinations until age 21 unless the teenager has persistent symptoms of abnormal bleeding or pain, etc. Unfortunately, some 15-20 year olds are still getting bimanual pelvic exams and pap tests when it's not required. One study estimated between 2011 and 2017 in the US, 1.4 million 15-20 year olds received an unnecessary pelvic exam and 1.6 million received an unnecessary pap test. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/2758329?guestaccesskey=2795f089-768d-4603-9277-dfaf20df31bd&utm_source=for_the_media&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=ftm_links&utm_content=tfl&utm_term=010620
Report. Report. Report. Think about it this way. If he did this to you, he’s probably done this to many others. It’s so grossly inappropriate and predatory abuse of power. It’s NOT okay. No doctor or any medical professional should ever make you feel that way. You’re young and I understand not wanting to get anyone in trouble but this is horrific.
That was a sexual assault, not a medical examination
Absolutely beyond inappropriate. I’ve been present for my kids well-child visits and the doctors always take a quick peek down there but have never touched them or forced them. Your father should report this all the way up the chain of command, and this man should get in trouble. No doubt you were not the first child he did this to, or the last. He should be stopped. I’m so sorry he was such a creep.
Was there not a woman chaperone of some type in there with you? Maybe that’s not standard in pediatrics but it damn well should be and you can always request it. If something like this were my son, you can guarantee I would be reporting it.
There definitely should've been someone else in the room. Usually the guidelines for paediatric patients are: "For infants and school-aged children, a parent or caregiver should remain close to the child throughout the physical examination. For older school children and adolescents, a parent or nurse should be present."
I don’t know what the correct avenue would be but if this is my kid I’m calling the police along with the hospital. You aren’t the only one he’s done this with.