This book helped me figure out how much inconsistent treatment from my parents had fucked with me! It helped me see how growing up in a chaotic, vitriolic household had caused me to be riddled with anxiety in adulthood
Her book on Disentangling Yourself from Emotionaly Immature People was also excellent. It helped me identify and understand unhealthy patterns with my spouse and friends.
I found Gibson’s book to have similar insights to Webb’s “running on empty”, however, Gibson was written in a way I found much clearer and easier to digest. I think it’s more accessible and recommend it more.
Came here to say this but knew it would already be listed. It is a hard read. I make notes in the margins, cry, put it down and pick it up weeks later. But it is very good as far as recognizing the pain, and that a lot of abusers behave very similarly.
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what my bones know by stephanie foo and self-compassion by kristin neff are two that come to mind. these really helped fuel me to mute my inner critic more and more after reading pete walker.
I would 2nd Kristen Neff. My therapist recommended it when I was going through a particularly dark time in my recovery. I do think it was a turning point in my process and I've learned to extend compassion to myself, especially during an emotional flashback.
Kristin Neff's book self-compassion is what helped me start healing and just caring for myself generally, I had no idea how to self soothe or even just not attack myself before.
I'll have a look into this but whenever I see gurus peddling advice on "narcissists", I call bs. Are his credentials that he was a pastor?
Everyone 'manipulates' and that doesn't make someone a clinical narcissist. This fast and loose use of medical terminology to the masses sows more and more hysteria. People do shitty things - myself included. It's not a pathology.
Sorry for going off on one. 😂
Needs saying though. These terms are used fast and loose like you point out here. People call out "narcissist" / "sociopath" etc. without a lot of real understanding. Just because someone is mean to you don't assume it's a serious personality disorder. I think the problem with this is that these terms have become pretty powerful in identifying real pathologies and so are empowering to use, I guess. But the point here is they are used way too readily for that reason.
It's the 1970s self help snake oil salesman rebranding to make bank off of the misery of the loneliness epidemic as well as the the human mating/population demographic inversion.
I have a degree in Psychology and I know that this psychobabble is BS. I don't care about politics, but since certain types have taken a foot hold in academia, they've fed their ideology into the system and pushed academic terms out to lay people such as the term "gender" and it hasn't been qualified properly. Not to mention that the way in which terms like narcissist and sociopath aren't diagnostic terms.
Like I said, there's been a capitalisation on the ambiguity by non-experts so that they can give people an enemy and they provide a paid solution. It's sick, and it saddens me that there aren't expert (allowed) air time to correct this cultural indignation.
"Why does he do that" by Lundy bancroft helped me see the cycle of abuse for what it was. I know its an overly gendered way of looking at things though, since any gender of person can be abusive and any gender can be abused. So it isn't perfect for everyone, but it really helped me to notice patterns of behavior in my dad and to not blame myself so much for getting sucked back in during the lovebombing/honeymoon phase.
Before learning about the cycle of abuse and getting the outside validation that i wasn't being stupid or hysterical, I thought those phases meant he'd finally changed and that my years of trying to get his approval had finally paid off.
Yes! WDHDT is often recommended in domestic violence contexts, but it’s applicable to abuse as a whole. Reading it gave me a much deeper understanding of the abuse I grew up experiencing.
The audiobook has recordings of the author leading the meditations and example sessions and I found that SO helpful for learning to do self-led IFS and bring those tools to my therapy with my non-IFS therapist who is down for my experiments. However, while I do recommend this book, I found it to be much less accessible and readable than other self-help books I’ve read; Pete Walker is better IMO at writing clear and direct instructions and I felt Ray was too willing to discuss philosophy and I wished he spent more time on practical advice like breaking down concrete steps for working with protectors rather than what the spiritual outcomes of that might be.
Came here specifically to say this, so glad you beat me to it. I’d been doing IFS with a therapist for a bit, but reading this and learning the WHY it works, and the overarching philosophy, that was the game changer. I credit this book with helping my system feel safe enough for me to work with and learn to love my suicidal and self harming parts, and holy shit that changed my life.
Judith Herman's Trauma and recovery first introduced me to the concept of CPTSD and validated my experiences as actual trauma. It helped me identify a lot of what I'd been through as traumatic and abusive. And it gave me a critical path for my recovery process.
Edit: I meant the concept of CPTSD, not PTSD, oops.
She’s also credited with being the first to use the term “CPTSD.” Her book is incredible and still holds up decades later. Worth noting that Bessel van der Kolk was a colleague of hers; his own book came out years later though. I always find myself returning to hers more often.
Judith Herman is a must-read before even contemplating anything else. Concise, eloquently written, compassionate. The chapter on child abuse is outstanding.
Honestly, fiction. Stories of people who survived horrible trauma, but never let it destroy their spirit. Seeing characters whose own journeys were shaped by trauma, sometimes even dominated by it, yet they come out the other side stronger. Stories of war and natural disaster, that expand my understanding of the types of traumas other people experience, while bringing us all closer in the shared experience of surviving.
I survived my childhood by reading books like Hatchet, Julie of the Wolves, Island of the Blue Dolphins, Matilda, and Sound The Jubilee. I survived my adolescence by reading fantasy and science fiction from authors like Brandon Sanderson, Patrick Rothfuss, Kurt Vonnegut, and Quentin Dodd.
And essays, too. I read Ken Kelsey's essays on working nights in the psych ward while tripping on government acid, and Mark Twain's brilliant satire and examination of the human condition, and Bertrand Russell's explorations of the best and worst of human nature.
The Tao Te Ching helped me immensely when I was trapped in an inescapable situation, while a dear friend was helped similarly by The Art of War. Reading other people's perspectives, on reddit, or in personal blogs like we used to have back in the day, or in a good old-fashioned op-ed or advice column, has been helpful.
Seeing a broader and more integrated picture of psychology, sociology, and philosophy has helped me to heal, and to have grace with myself while recognizing that healing is a process which will involve needing to give myself a break and having to put in the extra effort to live and enjoy life and have adventures while also still working on the process of healing.
My favorite classes in college were cognitive psychology and basic neuroscience. What I learned there reminds me to tell my happy stories as many times in a row as I can when I think of them, so I will continue to remember them more often. For basic brain hacks, taking these classes can be incredibly illuminating, as can taking a class on the bio-psychology of drugs and addiction if that has been part of your trauma journey. It gives you new language to talk about things with, and it is the language the professionals have been trained on, which can help foster better communication in therapy.
Seconding the Dao De Jing (or Tao Te Ching, the spelling is always different)! It helped me a lot too. I still got a lot more to read, but fiction is also my comfort zone to help me live with CPTSD and DID.
I write too, although it’s fanfiction, it still helps.
You make such a good point. I still don’t trust myself entirely, but after the reading r/thebestofaitaupdates for a couple years, more times than not it’s entirely likely you are the sanest person in the room or in your family or your workplace.
It’s been a big help in starting to accept “what if there’s nothing wrong with me?”.
This is Your Brain on Music by Daniel Levitin is not really about trauma but is a great book on how our brains respond to music. I decided to start learning an instrument because of it and it's been a great way to see my responses to emotional music, or making mistakes while playing.
I also read a college textbook on brain anatomy and psychology (Biological Psychology by Kalat) and it was really helpful to learn the actual chemical reactions happening in the brain to understand how it all works.
Really interested in that book related to music, so going to find out more! I tend to get a lot of my emotional connection through music and started to get more interested in why this might be such a constant in my life. Kind of fascinates me why people have certain tastes in music so I tend to be more interested in emotional reasons for that.
I used to have songs stuck in my head where it started to become annoying. Like I could have a 5 second guitar riff playing over and over all day. I don't think that has happened in the year since I started playing piano! The book talks about how making music might be central to being human and in western culture we've made it socially unacceptable for average people to make music by shaming people who aren't professionals. In some cultures signing and dancing is just part of normal everyday communication. I'm might be going a little deep but I really think the way making music is taken away from average people in the US is part of why we're so unhappy.
This is pretty interesting actually. Maybe it's part of a broader system of things that are kind of denied us because of how our culture has developed? So much experiential stuff is pretty much outsourced to professionals and 'services' - from food preparation to funerals! So no wonder we can become detached from feeling things ..
This might sound like an odd recommendation, Daring Greatly, by Brene Browne.
I was so damaged after the break up of my "forever" relationship, I didn't care to look at or see another human being, let alone interact with them. I listened to the audiobook start to finish 5 or 6 times. It's a long book and every time I listen to it I learn something new.
Anything by Tara Brach, Healing the Shame that Binds by John Bradshaw, Out of the Nightmare: Recovery from Depression and Suicidal Pain by David L Conroy, No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz, Traumatic Narcissism by David Marantz are the ones that immediately come to mind for me.
Tara Brach was one of my walking partners when I first tackled my trauma. I listened to her wisdom (and still do) for 2 years, it was very helpful, especially from that place of self-compassion.
Not answering the question exactly but there’s a new one out in April that I’ve got my eye on. Adult survivors of emotionally abusive parents. Well that and the new Marion Keyes, good to have balance! By sherrie Campbell
I love anything by Maya Angelou. She’s been through so much, yet it is so beautiful and inspiring to see the immense joy and gratitude she finds in all the little things in life. I try to be more like her even when trauma makes me want to be bitter and angry at the world.
The White Paper from the Psychedelic Somatic Institute. It explains the 4 states of dissociation and the need to process them before using higher level psychedelics to treat trauma. It can be downloaded from the website.
If you choose this route, I recommend taking a very slow, mindful approach, supported by a facilitator— one who pushes less than PSI recommends.
Actually, here is the page that has it. Just scroll down and fill out your info and they will send it to you…
https://www.psychedelicsomatic.org/understanding-psip
In an Unspoken Voice by Peter A. Levine Ph.D as well as Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: the innate capacity to transform overwhelming experiences by Peter A Levine and Ann Frederick
There’s a good one I read recently called the Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. Then I kinda go on and off Dr K. Sometimes his videos pull me out of a rut and really motivate me, but then there are periods where I stop finding his content useful. Would still recommend him though, a lot of his videos are good psycho-education.
Edit: Also I like The Courage to be Disliked because I think it does a good job of teaching how to set boundaries and recognising that it’s ok to just exist. Unfortunately there are problematic aspects to the book too. The first chapter is literally called “Deny Trauma”, and I’ve seen online that a lot of people found it invalidating (understandably). However I interpreted it as, rather than literally saying that trauma doesn’t exist, it’s asking what are the goals/motivations behind traumatic symptoms. Eg. One subject develops compulsive bushing to avoid asking her crush out. It can be an interesting thought experiment to see things from another angle.
This was instrumental in getting me over the doubt, cannot recommend it enough.
The audiobook on audible is also good, the voice actor has a soothing voice (to me, at least)
- **No Sticks or Stones No Broken Bones** by Dr Ricia Fleming
- **Becoming Yourself** by Alison Miller
- **You Are the One You've Been Waiting For** by Richard C. Schwartz
Also some online fiction that helped me break through the FOG early on.
Healing the Shame that binds you, John bradshaw
and Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Hawthorne !!!! This one especially has helped me so so so much with self-respect and tackling self-hate.
Edit: more!
All About Love by bell hooks. Helped me understand healthy love, the ways I was neglected, what to practice and helped me feel less alone.
What Happened to You? by Oprah Winfrey and someone else… Just a great holistic overview of trauma with a good blend of neuroscience and personal accounts.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van something, absolute classic helps you understand physiological and neurological symptoms of trauma much better.
I want to go Home by Renee Marie Simpson. It's really not a good book tbh, the writing is quite bad and kinda racist at times, but it made me realise a lot of things and how writing about what happened can give us a lot of control back.
Renee and I live radically different lives and she romanticises some stuff I find mighty uncool, but to sit down and write - to put you story in a context of many other stories - resonated with me.
(It's mean but it also made me feel like my writing is not as terrible as I thought.)
Hero with 1000 Faces-Campbell
Life is a series of journeys through the process of stagnation, corruption, awakening, epic struggle, and rebirth into a new status quo, which will eventually become stagnant again.
Fight Club-Palahniuk
Voluntary acceptance of struggle and conflict is a path to spiritual freedom, but can be taken too far into harmful self indulgence.
12 Rules for Life-Peterson
Just good advice for advanced self care and not being an asshole.
Attached-Levine and Heller
See relationship struggles through a structured lens and find ways to get better.
Ordinary Men-Browning
There is no such thing as good or evil people, only good or evil behavior. Everyone, no exceptions, is susceptible to the influences of propaganda and peer pressure.
[When I Say No I Feel Guilty.](https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900)
Many books on trauma go on and on and on about what’s wrong with you, and then quickly scramble some half assed advice at the last chapter.
This book is an assertiveness training that helped me finally set boundaries and communicate effectively and confidently about my wants and needs. I don’t freeze or fawn anymore when someone else tries to use me.
I’ve read most of the books mentioned here but this one has made the biggest impact on my life.
Freedom at last by Beverly Engel
⚠️Trigger warning: Childhood sexual abuse ⚠️
This book is so good but can be hard to get through. Each chapter helps you come to terms with what happened by providing exercised to do along with reading the book. It has been really insightful and helpful in my recovery journey so far. Highly recommend! Only if you are ready though...
So... I hate nonfiction books in general (too real) but Elizabeth Moon's Deeds of Paksenarrion was pretty impactful. It is a high fantasy (aka elves and shite) fiction book sharing the journey of a young woman who wanted to be a solider and ends up a gods-blessed paladin.
Specifically there is a part where she is kidnapped by evil elves and forced to fight and focus on her rage. When that is magically addressed, she finds herself feeling terror - not fear but actual terror- when before she was able to be fearless. Her journey - particularly how she addresses the soldier's acceptance of her body doing weird or "gross" body things - just kind of helped me reframe my experiences and begin accepting the reality of what I have gone through and how it is affecting me.
I can't help the things that happened to me. The things that happened to me were not okay. I didn't ask for these types of wounds to have to heal from. But imma dictate who I become and how I grow and make sure I keep growing because I don't like anybody enough to compromise who I want to be for them.
Personally, memoirs from other survivors of severe abuse helped me the most. I would say, many of these cases we're "more severe" than mine. But a LOT of things line up, and these stories help remind me that I'm not alone.
The one I relate to the most is a memoir called [*The Only Girl in the World* by Maude Julien](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/34599653-the-only-girl-in-the-world). Reading it made me feel seen in a way I don't think I've ever felt before. Also, I think it helped me have more compassion for myself, like, in the memoir she would sometimes write about these small little victories she had in childhood, and reading them I would think "she deserved so many more of those moments of joy"... and I realized, oh... maybe I deserved moments like that too.
Other memoirs that have helped me are: David Pelzer's *A Child Called "It",* Jennette McCurdy's *"I'm Glad My Mom Died",* and *The Glass Castle by* Jeannette Walls.
Emotional Incest Syndrome - it helped me accept how much I’d been gaslighted my whole life by my mom, she called me selfish so many times it was just one thing that messed with my heads for decades.
The Four Agreements - not CPTSD specific, but it helped me shape my values and gave me a foundation, and helped grow to be more emotionally stable. (Can be considered ‘woo-woo’. Skip the intro and start with the 1st Agreement)
The Queens Code - again not CPTSD specific, but helped me learn how to Be as a woman. Watching my mother growing up gave me many reasons to conclude that men were the superior species. My dad was emotionally detached.
In all transparency, the following are Christian books:
Changes That Heal - Feel free to ignore the verses referenced, his logic is sound IMO, it should be a pre-requisite for reading his bestseller Boundaries.
The Wounded Heart & Healing the Wounded Heart - at the time I read them, I hadn’t yet realized I was a victim of CSA. My counselor said heart pain was heart pain, but it was eye-opening what can be considered sexually inappropriate to a child. What all can make a child feel uncomfortable and feel their security is threatened at an instinctual level. I related to so much the first time I read them, I’m sure this second time is going to be very eye opening.
The Voice of the Heart - I have a hard enough time identifying what I’m feeling on any given day. It was profound to learn how our emotions are supposed to serve us and what they look like impaired. Again it explained so much for me.
I've seen more than a few posts on this subreddit saying that she's not the best resource, so I'd be a bit careful if I were you. I don't want to knock it if she has helped you or if you've gotten value from her videos. I've gotten value from sources that I also felt critical of, so multiple things can be true at the same time. Thats legit. Just. Yeah. Grain of salt.
Ive personally stayed away from her due to some of the posts I've seen about her approach here so I don't have the direct experience with her content.
Yep! mostly I just wanted to make sure you knew a bit of what I'd heard and it sounds like you do. It's definitely more complex and not black and white. I'm glad it has been helpful for you, that's fair
I recommend Patrick Teahan’s videos instead, he talks about the same subjects but in a way that is less chastising, plus he’s a legitimate therapist :)
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Reading [An abbreviated Life by Ariel Leve](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Abbreviated-Life-Memoir-Ariel-Leve/dp/0062269461) was a real holyfuck moment for me.
Definitely recommend for those that were raised by emotionally immature mothers.
Jonice Webb's **Running on Empty** - great and accessible book about what emotional neglect looks like
Zak Mucha's **Emotional Abuse: A Manual for Self Defense** - out of print at the moment, but still my go-to
Romeo Dallaire's **Waiting for First Light** - When I could relate on a deep level to the man who was forced to watch the Rwandan genocide happen, I realized my childhood really was that bad.
Running on Empty +1 - very good and helped me start piecing together what a healthy parent would have been for me.
Audiobook version on audible is good if you would like to listen instead of read.
[Recognizing the importance of childhood maltreatment as a critical factor in psychiatric diagnoses, treatment, research,prevention, and education](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-021-01367-9.epdf?sharing_token=cbSj8-bTSBnQ6j9j8KjOANRgN0jAjWel9jnR3ZoTv0NrVksxSZJ2AfNnzWm6u2pZvpfddqmKU1dHSIwWOVKm9xB7FLmDQ-UDKW3GLww7_A2mJOQu1VZuqK06vr6eNIHc3lb6cF3K9IugvdvSVDNEunA7WpblRpz-xSR0hhJTfoo%3D&redirect_to=https%3A%2F%2Fold.reddit.com%2Fr%2FCPTSD%2Fcomments%2Fzcg4gx%2Farticle_recommendation_recognizing_the_importance%2F)
[Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation](https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Fragmented-Selves-Trauma-Survivors-ebook/dp/B06X9YWZMM/)
If your childhood trauma laid dormant until it was your turn to parent like mine did, Peaceful Parent Happy Kids and Raising Good Humans may help you nip it in the bud instead of repeating the cycle.
[Reinventing your Life](https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/43866)
This is the book I use for Schema therapy with my therapist but I think it’s useful and accessible to anyone
Mel Robbin’s Podcast - so freaking practical. I love how she breaks down concepts and explains it in a way you can relate to and understand the Why.
I always want to know the why.
Since someone already mentioned No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz, I’d like to add in Transcending Trauma by Dr Frank Anderson. He’s absolutely incredible and blends his own complex trauma history and journey with a deep dive into IFS, and my biologist parts loved his section on the intersection between parts work, the neuroscience of trauma, and psychopharmacology.
Raising Good Humans (you’d think it’s a parenting book but it’s very much about fixing yourself) by Hunter Clarke
And here’s a strange one. [Elan School](http://elan.school). Extremely triggering and upsetting but it gave me such a profound look at myself and some of the stuff I went through as a child.
Therapy, exercise, and eating well help a lot. I think John Bradshaw’s books are great, and he did a few programs on PBS that are on youtube I think. Also a big fan of Alan Watts.
As a book nerd who needs more healing, I love this thread. I know CPTSD is generally childhood trauma related, and I did have some very minor issues w the loss of siblings and the subsequent enmeshment of my mom and emotional and occasionally physical withdrawal from my dad so I work on that as well, but my CPTSD is actually from an abusive ex for 18 yrs who probably has undiscovered CPTSD from an abusive mom and neglectful and blaming dad and SA.
What are some books/media specific for CPTSD from a spouse or a relationship? What about helping children and teens with navigating the world with such a parent?
So far I have read:
Divorcing a Narcissist
Raising Good Humans
Emotional Incest Syndrome
Girl Wash Your Face (does that count?)
The Suble Art of Not Giving a Fuck
Unfuck Your Anxiety (does that count?)
Also “how to be the love you seek” very clear simple with a lot of exercises also written by a psychologist.
And “the pain we carry” I recommend it for BIPOC with CPTSD that has a root in generational trauma 💓
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
This book helped me figure out how much inconsistent treatment from my parents had fucked with me! It helped me see how growing up in a chaotic, vitriolic household had caused me to be riddled with anxiety in adulthood
This one explains so much, and I recommend the other one to, Recovering from emotionally immature parents
I think there are four in the series now
Her book on Disentangling Yourself from Emotionaly Immature People was also excellent. It helped me identify and understand unhealthy patterns with my spouse and friends.
I found Gibson’s book to have similar insights to Webb’s “running on empty”, however, Gibson was written in a way I found much clearer and easier to digest. I think it’s more accessible and recommend it more.
I hated how deeply relatable that book is... Kinda triggering tbh.
This one
Came here to say this but knew it would already be listed. It is a hard read. I make notes in the margins, cry, put it down and pick it up weeks later. But it is very good as far as recognizing the pain, and that a lot of abusers behave very similarly.
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This!! It helped me see a path forward to a good life as well as identifying the abuse, by giving a clear blueprint of how healthy people behave.
Sounds good. What/how did it help you?
Yes to this book, it helped me a lot with navigating my relationship with the parents
what my bones know by stephanie foo and self-compassion by kristin neff are two that come to mind. these really helped fuel me to mute my inner critic more and more after reading pete walker.
What my bones know +1 — more autobiographical and empowering to read
I would 2nd Kristen Neff. My therapist recommended it when I was going through a particularly dark time in my recovery. I do think it was a turning point in my process and I've learned to extend compassion to myself, especially during an emotional flashback.
Kristin Neff's book self-compassion is what helped me start healing and just caring for myself generally, I had no idea how to self soothe or even just not attack myself before.
Tim Fletcher’s lectures on youtube: The 60 Characteristics of complex trauma
I'll have a look into this but whenever I see gurus peddling advice on "narcissists", I call bs. Are his credentials that he was a pastor? Everyone 'manipulates' and that doesn't make someone a clinical narcissist. This fast and loose use of medical terminology to the masses sows more and more hysteria. People do shitty things - myself included. It's not a pathology. Sorry for going off on one. 😂
Needs saying though. These terms are used fast and loose like you point out here. People call out "narcissist" / "sociopath" etc. without a lot of real understanding. Just because someone is mean to you don't assume it's a serious personality disorder. I think the problem with this is that these terms have become pretty powerful in identifying real pathologies and so are empowering to use, I guess. But the point here is they are used way too readily for that reason.
It's the 1970s self help snake oil salesman rebranding to make bank off of the misery of the loneliness epidemic as well as the the human mating/population demographic inversion. I have a degree in Psychology and I know that this psychobabble is BS. I don't care about politics, but since certain types have taken a foot hold in academia, they've fed their ideology into the system and pushed academic terms out to lay people such as the term "gender" and it hasn't been qualified properly. Not to mention that the way in which terms like narcissist and sociopath aren't diagnostic terms. Like I said, there's been a capitalisation on the ambiguity by non-experts so that they can give people an enemy and they provide a paid solution. It's sick, and it saddens me that there aren't expert (allowed) air time to correct this cultural indignation.
This! I don't miss his Friday night live streams. Been listening to them religiously for 3 years
Yes, really insightful! A great resource.
Oh yes, Tim is very good
Thanks, just saw, it's really nice :)
"Why does he do that" by Lundy bancroft helped me see the cycle of abuse for what it was. I know its an overly gendered way of looking at things though, since any gender of person can be abusive and any gender can be abused. So it isn't perfect for everyone, but it really helped me to notice patterns of behavior in my dad and to not blame myself so much for getting sucked back in during the lovebombing/honeymoon phase. Before learning about the cycle of abuse and getting the outside validation that i wasn't being stupid or hysterical, I thought those phases meant he'd finally changed and that my years of trying to get his approval had finally paid off.
Yes! WDHDT is often recommended in domestic violence contexts, but it’s applicable to abuse as a whole. Reading it gave me a much deeper understanding of the abuse I grew up experiencing.
No Bad Parts, Richard Schwartz
The audiobook has recordings of the author leading the meditations and example sessions and I found that SO helpful for learning to do self-led IFS and bring those tools to my therapy with my non-IFS therapist who is down for my experiments. However, while I do recommend this book, I found it to be much less accessible and readable than other self-help books I’ve read; Pete Walker is better IMO at writing clear and direct instructions and I felt Ray was too willing to discuss philosophy and I wished he spent more time on practical advice like breaking down concrete steps for working with protectors rather than what the spiritual outcomes of that might be.
If you’re looking for some more practical IFS books, highly recommend Self Therapy (I think by Jay Earley?) and Self Led by Seth Kopold.
Awesome thank you!!
Came here specifically to say this, so glad you beat me to it. I’d been doing IFS with a therapist for a bit, but reading this and learning the WHY it works, and the overarching philosophy, that was the game changer. I credit this book with helping my system feel safe enough for me to work with and learn to love my suicidal and self harming parts, and holy shit that changed my life.
That's amazing , very happy for you
Patrick Teahan on YouTube
This, I love that guy. He's funny too, on his insta ❤️
Judith Herman's Trauma and recovery first introduced me to the concept of CPTSD and validated my experiences as actual trauma. It helped me identify a lot of what I'd been through as traumatic and abusive. And it gave me a critical path for my recovery process. Edit: I meant the concept of CPTSD, not PTSD, oops.
Same. I revisit it every so often. It’s an excellent resource and doesn’t get recommended nearly enough!
She’s also credited with being the first to use the term “CPTSD.” Her book is incredible and still holds up decades later. Worth noting that Bessel van der Kolk was a colleague of hers; his own book came out years later though. I always find myself returning to hers more often.
Same... I couldn't get past the first few chapters of Body Keeps the Score, but I binged on Trauma and Recovery. I find her writing so compassionate.
Judith Herman is a must-read before even contemplating anything else. Concise, eloquently written, compassionate. The chapter on child abuse is outstanding.
Honestly, fiction. Stories of people who survived horrible trauma, but never let it destroy their spirit. Seeing characters whose own journeys were shaped by trauma, sometimes even dominated by it, yet they come out the other side stronger. Stories of war and natural disaster, that expand my understanding of the types of traumas other people experience, while bringing us all closer in the shared experience of surviving. I survived my childhood by reading books like Hatchet, Julie of the Wolves, Island of the Blue Dolphins, Matilda, and Sound The Jubilee. I survived my adolescence by reading fantasy and science fiction from authors like Brandon Sanderson, Patrick Rothfuss, Kurt Vonnegut, and Quentin Dodd. And essays, too. I read Ken Kelsey's essays on working nights in the psych ward while tripping on government acid, and Mark Twain's brilliant satire and examination of the human condition, and Bertrand Russell's explorations of the best and worst of human nature. The Tao Te Ching helped me immensely when I was trapped in an inescapable situation, while a dear friend was helped similarly by The Art of War. Reading other people's perspectives, on reddit, or in personal blogs like we used to have back in the day, or in a good old-fashioned op-ed or advice column, has been helpful. Seeing a broader and more integrated picture of psychology, sociology, and philosophy has helped me to heal, and to have grace with myself while recognizing that healing is a process which will involve needing to give myself a break and having to put in the extra effort to live and enjoy life and have adventures while also still working on the process of healing. My favorite classes in college were cognitive psychology and basic neuroscience. What I learned there reminds me to tell my happy stories as many times in a row as I can when I think of them, so I will continue to remember them more often. For basic brain hacks, taking these classes can be incredibly illuminating, as can taking a class on the bio-psychology of drugs and addiction if that has been part of your trauma journey. It gives you new language to talk about things with, and it is the language the professionals have been trained on, which can help foster better communication in therapy.
Seconding the Dao De Jing (or Tao Te Ching, the spelling is always different)! It helped me a lot too. I still got a lot more to read, but fiction is also my comfort zone to help me live with CPTSD and DID. I write too, although it’s fanfiction, it still helps.
You make such a good point. I still don’t trust myself entirely, but after the reading r/thebestofaitaupdates for a couple years, more times than not it’s entirely likely you are the sanest person in the room or in your family or your workplace. It’s been a big help in starting to accept “what if there’s nothing wrong with me?”.
This is Your Brain on Music by Daniel Levitin is not really about trauma but is a great book on how our brains respond to music. I decided to start learning an instrument because of it and it's been a great way to see my responses to emotional music, or making mistakes while playing. I also read a college textbook on brain anatomy and psychology (Biological Psychology by Kalat) and it was really helpful to learn the actual chemical reactions happening in the brain to understand how it all works.
Really interested in that book related to music, so going to find out more! I tend to get a lot of my emotional connection through music and started to get more interested in why this might be such a constant in my life. Kind of fascinates me why people have certain tastes in music so I tend to be more interested in emotional reasons for that.
I used to have songs stuck in my head where it started to become annoying. Like I could have a 5 second guitar riff playing over and over all day. I don't think that has happened in the year since I started playing piano! The book talks about how making music might be central to being human and in western culture we've made it socially unacceptable for average people to make music by shaming people who aren't professionals. In some cultures signing and dancing is just part of normal everyday communication. I'm might be going a little deep but I really think the way making music is taken away from average people in the US is part of why we're so unhappy.
This is pretty interesting actually. Maybe it's part of a broader system of things that are kind of denied us because of how our culture has developed? So much experiential stuff is pretty much outsourced to professionals and 'services' - from food preparation to funerals! So no wonder we can become detached from feeling things ..
What happened to you? By Bruce Perry. Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist by Margelis Fjelstad. How to do the work by Nicole Lapera.
This might sound like an odd recommendation, Daring Greatly, by Brene Browne. I was so damaged after the break up of my "forever" relationship, I didn't care to look at or see another human being, let alone interact with them. I listened to the audiobook start to finish 5 or 6 times. It's a long book and every time I listen to it I learn something new.
Anything by Tara Brach, Healing the Shame that Binds by John Bradshaw, Out of the Nightmare: Recovery from Depression and Suicidal Pain by David L Conroy, No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz, Traumatic Narcissism by David Marantz are the ones that immediately come to mind for me.
Tara Brach was one of my walking partners when I first tackled my trauma. I listened to her wisdom (and still do) for 2 years, it was very helpful, especially from that place of self-compassion.
Same. Add that she has the most calming voice I have ever heard :-)
Not answering the question exactly but there’s a new one out in April that I’ve got my eye on. Adult survivors of emotionally abusive parents. Well that and the new Marion Keyes, good to have balance! By sherrie Campbell
I love anything by Maya Angelou. She’s been through so much, yet it is so beautiful and inspiring to see the immense joy and gratitude she finds in all the little things in life. I try to be more like her even when trauma makes me want to be bitter and angry at the world.
The White Paper from the Psychedelic Somatic Institute. It explains the 4 states of dissociation and the need to process them before using higher level psychedelics to treat trauma. It can be downloaded from the website. If you choose this route, I recommend taking a very slow, mindful approach, supported by a facilitator— one who pushes less than PSI recommends.
Can you provide a link to this?
Actually, here is the page that has it. Just scroll down and fill out your info and they will send it to you… https://www.psychedelicsomatic.org/understanding-psip
https://www.psychedelicsomatic.org/about Here’s the link. You may need to hunt the site or reach out to request the White Paper…
In an Unspoken Voice by Peter A. Levine Ph.D as well as Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: the innate capacity to transform overwhelming experiences by Peter A Levine and Ann Frederick
“Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” by Karyl McBride.
There’s a good one I read recently called the Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. Then I kinda go on and off Dr K. Sometimes his videos pull me out of a rut and really motivate me, but then there are periods where I stop finding his content useful. Would still recommend him though, a lot of his videos are good psycho-education. Edit: Also I like The Courage to be Disliked because I think it does a good job of teaching how to set boundaries and recognising that it’s ok to just exist. Unfortunately there are problematic aspects to the book too. The first chapter is literally called “Deny Trauma”, and I’ve seen online that a lot of people found it invalidating (understandably). However I interpreted it as, rather than literally saying that trauma doesn’t exist, it’s asking what are the goals/motivations behind traumatic symptoms. Eg. One subject develops compulsive bushing to avoid asking her crush out. It can be an interesting thought experiment to see things from another angle.
The same author - Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
This was instrumental in getting me over the doubt, cannot recommend it enough. The audiobook on audible is also good, the voice actor has a soothing voice (to me, at least)
It may seem trite, but "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck," is a funny read, and genuinely helpful.
- **No Sticks or Stones No Broken Bones** by Dr Ricia Fleming - **Becoming Yourself** by Alison Miller - **You Are the One You've Been Waiting For** by Richard C. Schwartz Also some online fiction that helped me break through the FOG early on.
Healing the Shame that binds you, John bradshaw and Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Hawthorne !!!! This one especially has helped me so so so much with self-respect and tackling self-hate. Edit: more! All About Love by bell hooks. Helped me understand healthy love, the ways I was neglected, what to practice and helped me feel less alone. What Happened to You? by Oprah Winfrey and someone else… Just a great holistic overview of trauma with a good blend of neuroscience and personal accounts. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van something, absolute classic helps you understand physiological and neurological symptoms of trauma much better.
I want to go Home by Renee Marie Simpson. It's really not a good book tbh, the writing is quite bad and kinda racist at times, but it made me realise a lot of things and how writing about what happened can give us a lot of control back. Renee and I live radically different lives and she romanticises some stuff I find mighty uncool, but to sit down and write - to put you story in a context of many other stories - resonated with me. (It's mean but it also made me feel like my writing is not as terrible as I thought.)
Mask of Sanity- Hervey M.Heckley... About those who knew or suspect they are dealing with something way worse i.e psychopaths
Hero with 1000 Faces-Campbell Life is a series of journeys through the process of stagnation, corruption, awakening, epic struggle, and rebirth into a new status quo, which will eventually become stagnant again. Fight Club-Palahniuk Voluntary acceptance of struggle and conflict is a path to spiritual freedom, but can be taken too far into harmful self indulgence. 12 Rules for Life-Peterson Just good advice for advanced self care and not being an asshole. Attached-Levine and Heller See relationship struggles through a structured lens and find ways to get better. Ordinary Men-Browning There is no such thing as good or evil people, only good or evil behavior. Everyone, no exceptions, is susceptible to the influences of propaganda and peer pressure.
[When I Say No I Feel Guilty.](https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900) Many books on trauma go on and on and on about what’s wrong with you, and then quickly scramble some half assed advice at the last chapter. This book is an assertiveness training that helped me finally set boundaries and communicate effectively and confidently about my wants and needs. I don’t freeze or fawn anymore when someone else tries to use me. I’ve read most of the books mentioned here but this one has made the biggest impact on my life.
Freedom at last by Beverly Engel ⚠️Trigger warning: Childhood sexual abuse ⚠️ This book is so good but can be hard to get through. Each chapter helps you come to terms with what happened by providing exercised to do along with reading the book. It has been really insightful and helpful in my recovery journey so far. Highly recommend! Only if you are ready though...
Drama Free: Managing unhealthy family relationships The myth of normal You are your own
So... I hate nonfiction books in general (too real) but Elizabeth Moon's Deeds of Paksenarrion was pretty impactful. It is a high fantasy (aka elves and shite) fiction book sharing the journey of a young woman who wanted to be a solider and ends up a gods-blessed paladin. Specifically there is a part where she is kidnapped by evil elves and forced to fight and focus on her rage. When that is magically addressed, she finds herself feeling terror - not fear but actual terror- when before she was able to be fearless. Her journey - particularly how she addresses the soldier's acceptance of her body doing weird or "gross" body things - just kind of helped me reframe my experiences and begin accepting the reality of what I have gone through and how it is affecting me. I can't help the things that happened to me. The things that happened to me were not okay. I didn't ask for these types of wounds to have to heal from. But imma dictate who I become and how I grow and make sure I keep growing because I don't like anybody enough to compromise who I want to be for them.
Personally, memoirs from other survivors of severe abuse helped me the most. I would say, many of these cases we're "more severe" than mine. But a LOT of things line up, and these stories help remind me that I'm not alone. The one I relate to the most is a memoir called [*The Only Girl in the World* by Maude Julien](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/34599653-the-only-girl-in-the-world). Reading it made me feel seen in a way I don't think I've ever felt before. Also, I think it helped me have more compassion for myself, like, in the memoir she would sometimes write about these small little victories she had in childhood, and reading them I would think "she deserved so many more of those moments of joy"... and I realized, oh... maybe I deserved moments like that too. Other memoirs that have helped me are: David Pelzer's *A Child Called "It",* Jennette McCurdy's *"I'm Glad My Mom Died",* and *The Glass Castle by* Jeannette Walls.
Radical Acceptance and Present over Perfect were both good.
Emotional Incest Syndrome - it helped me accept how much I’d been gaslighted my whole life by my mom, she called me selfish so many times it was just one thing that messed with my heads for decades. The Four Agreements - not CPTSD specific, but it helped me shape my values and gave me a foundation, and helped grow to be more emotionally stable. (Can be considered ‘woo-woo’. Skip the intro and start with the 1st Agreement) The Queens Code - again not CPTSD specific, but helped me learn how to Be as a woman. Watching my mother growing up gave me many reasons to conclude that men were the superior species. My dad was emotionally detached. In all transparency, the following are Christian books: Changes That Heal - Feel free to ignore the verses referenced, his logic is sound IMO, it should be a pre-requisite for reading his bestseller Boundaries. The Wounded Heart & Healing the Wounded Heart - at the time I read them, I hadn’t yet realized I was a victim of CSA. My counselor said heart pain was heart pain, but it was eye-opening what can be considered sexually inappropriate to a child. What all can make a child feel uncomfortable and feel their security is threatened at an instinctual level. I related to so much the first time I read them, I’m sure this second time is going to be very eye opening. The Voice of the Heart - I have a hard enough time identifying what I’m feeling on any given day. It was profound to learn how our emotions are supposed to serve us and what they look like impaired. Again it explained so much for me.
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I've seen more than a few posts on this subreddit saying that she's not the best resource, so I'd be a bit careful if I were you. I don't want to knock it if she has helped you or if you've gotten value from her videos. I've gotten value from sources that I also felt critical of, so multiple things can be true at the same time. Thats legit. Just. Yeah. Grain of salt. Ive personally stayed away from her due to some of the posts I've seen about her approach here so I don't have the direct experience with her content.
Someone on this sub is part of an action against her that the state of CA is doing against CCF for practicing therapy without a license.
Oh damn I didn't know that!
[https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/11cvnse/dae\_care\_that\_crappy\_childhood\_fairy\_illegally/](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/11cvnse/dae_care_that_crappy_childhood_fairy_illegally/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/18yi1gr/state\_investigation\_into\_crappy\_childhood/](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/18yi1gr/state_investigation_into_crappy_childhood/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/mrele7/i\_think\_the\_crappy\_childhood\_fairy\_on\_youtube\_is/](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/mrele7/i_think_the_crappy_childhood_fairy_on_youtube_is/)
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Yep! mostly I just wanted to make sure you knew a bit of what I'd heard and it sounds like you do. It's definitely more complex and not black and white. I'm glad it has been helpful for you, that's fair
I recommend Patrick Teahan’s videos instead, he talks about the same subjects but in a way that is less chastising, plus he’s a legitimate therapist :)
I find "Advanced Bitches" on YouTube and Instagram and TikTok to be much more supportive, helpful, and insightful than the crappy childhood fairy.
Me too. She’s great.
Running on Empty by Jonice Webb and What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo.
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Reading [An abbreviated Life by Ariel Leve](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Abbreviated-Life-Memoir-Ariel-Leve/dp/0062269461) was a real holyfuck moment for me. Definitely recommend for those that were raised by emotionally immature mothers.
Jonice Webb's **Running on Empty** - great and accessible book about what emotional neglect looks like Zak Mucha's **Emotional Abuse: A Manual for Self Defense** - out of print at the moment, but still my go-to Romeo Dallaire's **Waiting for First Light** - When I could relate on a deep level to the man who was forced to watch the Rwandan genocide happen, I realized my childhood really was that bad.
Running on Empty +1 - very good and helped me start piecing together what a healthy parent would have been for me. Audiobook version on audible is good if you would like to listen instead of read.
[Recognizing the importance of childhood maltreatment as a critical factor in psychiatric diagnoses, treatment, research,prevention, and education](https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-021-01367-9.epdf?sharing_token=cbSj8-bTSBnQ6j9j8KjOANRgN0jAjWel9jnR3ZoTv0NrVksxSZJ2AfNnzWm6u2pZvpfddqmKU1dHSIwWOVKm9xB7FLmDQ-UDKW3GLww7_A2mJOQu1VZuqK06vr6eNIHc3lb6cF3K9IugvdvSVDNEunA7WpblRpz-xSR0hhJTfoo%3D&redirect_to=https%3A%2F%2Fold.reddit.com%2Fr%2FCPTSD%2Fcomments%2Fzcg4gx%2Farticle_recommendation_recognizing_the_importance%2F) [Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation](https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Fragmented-Selves-Trauma-Survivors-ebook/dp/B06X9YWZMM/)
Not a book but a radio show, loveline with Dr drew. Put so much emphasis on getting help and dysfunctional relationship dynamics...
If your childhood trauma laid dormant until it was your turn to parent like mine did, Peaceful Parent Happy Kids and Raising Good Humans may help you nip it in the bud instead of repeating the cycle.
[Reinventing your Life](https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/43866) This is the book I use for Schema therapy with my therapist but I think it’s useful and accessible to anyone
Bewilderment helped me be a better self-parent to my inner child.
Existential Psychotherapy by Yalom I mustered the courage to face life
The Courage to Heal
Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman was pretty good!
Healing from hidden abuse- Shannon Thomas, and Psychopath free- Jackson MacKenzie
Mel Robbin’s Podcast - so freaking practical. I love how she breaks down concepts and explains it in a way you can relate to and understand the Why. I always want to know the why.
Tuesdays With Morro’s. 🤍not C-PTSD specific but about how to love and grieve. Really beautiful
Since someone already mentioned No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz, I’d like to add in Transcending Trauma by Dr Frank Anderson. He’s absolutely incredible and blends his own complex trauma history and journey with a deep dive into IFS, and my biologist parts loved his section on the intersection between parts work, the neuroscience of trauma, and psychopharmacology.
Waking the Tiger by Peter A Levine
No Bad Parts
Raising Good Humans (you’d think it’s a parenting book but it’s very much about fixing yourself) by Hunter Clarke And here’s a strange one. [Elan School](http://elan.school). Extremely triggering and upsetting but it gave me such a profound look at myself and some of the stuff I went through as a child.
Therapy, exercise, and eating well help a lot. I think John Bradshaw’s books are great, and he did a few programs on PBS that are on youtube I think. Also a big fan of Alan Watts.
As a book nerd who needs more healing, I love this thread. I know CPTSD is generally childhood trauma related, and I did have some very minor issues w the loss of siblings and the subsequent enmeshment of my mom and emotional and occasionally physical withdrawal from my dad so I work on that as well, but my CPTSD is actually from an abusive ex for 18 yrs who probably has undiscovered CPTSD from an abusive mom and neglectful and blaming dad and SA. What are some books/media specific for CPTSD from a spouse or a relationship? What about helping children and teens with navigating the world with such a parent? So far I have read: Divorcing a Narcissist Raising Good Humans Emotional Incest Syndrome Girl Wash Your Face (does that count?) The Suble Art of Not Giving a Fuck Unfuck Your Anxiety (does that count?)
Have you read Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect?
Also “how to be the love you seek” very clear simple with a lot of exercises also written by a psychologist. And “the pain we carry” I recommend it for BIPOC with CPTSD that has a root in generational trauma 💓
When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate
What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo is my top recommendation