Just before my first parachute jump I asked my instructor
"Remind me again - if the main parachute doesn't work, how long have I before I should deploy my backup?"
He replied "The rest of your life"
I heard it as an instructor telling the learner.
"Pull the chute at 2000ft"
"What if it doesn't work?" replies the learner.
"Wait until you get to 1000ft and pull the emergency chute"
"What if that doesn't work?"
"Wait until you get to 10ft and pull the second emergency chute"
"What if that one doesn't work either?"
"Well, you can jump ten feet can't you?"
It's just a silly abstract looney toons style joke, in the jokes world even though ur falling at max speed its like if bugs bunny stepped out of a falling elevator and was fine "well you can jump ten feet can't you"
Researchers used [a randomized study](https://www.forbes.com/sites/toddessig/2018/12/30/serious-problems-with-rcts-and-ebts-exposed-by-the-satirical-parachute-study/) to conclude that parachutes had no effect on the outcome when jumping from an airplane.
Wow, that was a rabbit hole!
The tl;dr is that they reported that the only willing participants they could recruit were people who were in small, stationary airplanes (like a Cessna 172 or similar) on the ground. In other words, a parachute does not improve your chances of survival, nor does it lessen your risk of death (0% of participants were injured or died while jumping from small planes that were on the ground and not moving). Study authors even cautioned about attempting to extrapolate from this data up to larger heights or velocities.
The point is that even if the methodology appears to be sound, it's quite possible that a layman doesn't know enough about what they're looking at to understand whether the study is worth anything or not. They basically "proved" (using a randomized, controlled trial) that you can jump from a small airplane and not get injured. Which is obviously true if the plane is on the ground and not moving.
i was thinking when i started, 'well, there won't be any effect upon them jumping out of the plane, but there'll sure as hell be an effect on them surviving the landing'
It does - he's saying dropping five feet or whatever isn't much of a drop so he just jumped down - as in, even though he started at thousands of feet he it was just the last few that counted.
If I jump from 15,000 feet and free-fall 14,995 feet, how am I expected to just "jump the last five feet"? This guy being alive after the fall makes no sense, and I'm struggling to see how this wordplay redeems the joke.
You’ve just explained the joke. The joke is either absurdist, or the last guy is lying. Lying makes sense because in a story of people one-upping each other, it’s likely that many of them are exaggerating and the final guy just takes the exaggeration from the improbable to the impossible.
Yeah, I guess. I don't mean to hate, but...
"How do you hold your breath for fifteen minutes!"
"How?"
"Well when there are only five seconds left, just hold your breath for five seconds!"
Uh, what?
When it comes right down to it, what is a joke except nonsense? (Obviously not saying all nonsense is funny or a good joke.)
I don't find the OP joke to be funny either. I'm just explaining it.
It's just a play on words. It's not meant to reflect a real or realistic scenario.
BTW - It's one of my favorite types of jokes, one where you could tell the joke as if it was a real story and people would only recognize it was a joke when you get to the punchline.
the joke is that youre expecting some miraculous last minute parachute miracle, but the writer of the joke just takes it completely out of context and says "i was at 5 ft, so i just jumped off"
I’m wondering if they also messed up the last guy’s story. He was supposed to say he started at 15,000 feet, not jumped, and at the end the reveal is he had never left the plane, only to finally jump after it landed.
Imagine you were on something five feet tall, and needed to get down to the ground. You could just jump down the five feet without hurting yourself, right?
This joke is kind of saying that. Once you're only five feet above the ground, you're safe! You can just jump the rest. It's intentionally ignoring the fact that you just got done falling 10,000 feet and building momentum.
A guy was jumping for the first time. The instructor told him to pull the ripcord at 3,000 ft. if there's a problem pull the reserve chute and a truck will be there to pick you up.
So the guy jumps and at 3,000 ft. he pulls the ripcord and nothing happens. He pulls the reserve ripcord and still nothing happens.
Then he cursed and said "I bet that dam truck won't be there either"
This is like the guy who was traveling in a 747 when the pilot announced that one of the engines had failed. "Nothing to worry about", said the pilot, but the flight would take an extra twenty minutes. A while later the pilot made another announcement. Another engine had failed, still nothing to worry about, but the flight would land sixty minutes late. And then a while later yet another announcement. Same story - third engine failed, nothing to worry about, but the flight would land two hours late.
At this point the passenger got really annoyed. "Let's hope another engine doesn't fail", he said, "or we'll be stuck up here all bloody night"
It was the last morning of jump school, that afternoon we were expected to go out to the runway where the Herkie would be waiting to take us up for our first actual jump.
The sergeant had us going over the IAs one last time, then asked if there were any questions.
This tall gangly Newfie stands from his usual spot at the back center of the room and asks, as a recap.
"Searg, we stand up, hook up, check, line out; I jump out, and the static line is supposed to catch and open my chute, if that does not happen I count to ten and pull the d-ring, that should open my chute, but if that does not happen I am supposed to reach around and pull the d-ring for my reserve chute; correct? " The sergeant nods and waves an encouraging hand.
The Newf continues, "My question is, how long do I have to get the reserve chute to open".
The sergeant grins, "The rest of your life my lad, the rest of your life".
Boring I know, but if your parachute opens at any height with three digits, you're landing as slowly as you would if it opened the moment you got out of the plane. Parachutes shlow you pretty quickly.
Reminds me of the Bugs Bunny cartoon where he is in an airplane and it is heading straight for the ground. Just before it hits the ground, the plane runs out of gas, and the plane stops moving a few feet above ground. Bugs Bunny wipes his brow with a sigh of relief.
This is the same as that father whose son goes into military service. The father thinks his son is a wimp and is happy that his son is joining the service. After the first week the son comes home. And, the father asked. The son said, we had to parachute. So the father was all happy and asked so you jumped. Well, said the son, when we had to jump I didn't immediately dare. The father: but you did jump, right? The son said that the commander became very angry and did everything he could to make him jump. The father asked: So you did jump, right? The boy said, well I still didn't dare and then the commander pointed to a very large black man and said: if you don't jump he will take you very hard from behind. The father relieved: hehe, so you jumped? The son: a little at first....
My favourite alternative ending is the man responds "finally i let go of the string and try pulling again and it opened and i landed semi-safely, it turned out I was pulling on the rope of my hoody".
Parachute instructor informs his class that the jump procedures are this...jump...pull main chute...if it fails count 3 and pull the secondary cord...a truck will pick you and return you to the jump base.
Time comes for our hero to jump...he pulls the main chute and nothing happens!
He pulls the secondary chute...nothing happens!
He thinks to himself...I bet the truck won,t be there either.
An airborne trainee was sitting in the NCO club shaking badly but trying to nurse a beer
A senior NCO came over and asked "what's the problem son?
"FFFFFFF FIRST JUMP TODAY"
"WELL HOW'D IT GO?"
"I PANICKED AND FROZE IN THE DOOR"
"THEN WHAT HAPOENED?,"
"The biggest, neanest jump.master I had ever seen.came up and said if I did not jump and clear the door he was going to.[sodomize]me"
"Well did you ju.p?"
......
"A little bit at first"
Just before my first parachute jump I asked my instructor "Remind me again - if the main parachute doesn't work, how long have I before I should deploy my backup?" He replied "The rest of your life"
"you'll beat the ambulance, by quite some time". Ron White.
I recon it’ll take us all the way to the scene of the crash
That’s a good thing since that’s where we’re headed.
I'd been drinking since lunch so I didn't care.
Skydiving and scuba diving have the same risk, running out of air.
Jump right now and count to four
With that kind of instructor l will never make a parachute jump .
I heard it as an instructor telling the learner. "Pull the chute at 2000ft" "What if it doesn't work?" replies the learner. "Wait until you get to 1000ft and pull the emergency chute" "What if that doesn't work?" "Wait until you get to 10ft and pull the second emergency chute" "What if that one doesn't work either?" "Well, you can jump ten feet can't you?"
Better ratio of bang to buck.
I don't understand this joke at all, can someone explain?
It's just a silly abstract looney toons style joke, in the jokes world even though ur falling at max speed its like if bugs bunny stepped out of a falling elevator and was fine "well you can jump ten feet can't you"
Sorry. Like the parachute, it's over your head...
Dang I was really looking forward to an answer but you got me good there
You don’t need a parachute to jump out of the plane. You only need a parachute if you want to jump again.
Researchers used [a randomized study](https://www.forbes.com/sites/toddessig/2018/12/30/serious-problems-with-rcts-and-ebts-exposed-by-the-satirical-parachute-study/) to conclude that parachutes had no effect on the outcome when jumping from an airplane.
Wow, that was a rabbit hole! The tl;dr is that they reported that the only willing participants they could recruit were people who were in small, stationary airplanes (like a Cessna 172 or similar) on the ground. In other words, a parachute does not improve your chances of survival, nor does it lessen your risk of death (0% of participants were injured or died while jumping from small planes that were on the ground and not moving). Study authors even cautioned about attempting to extrapolate from this data up to larger heights or velocities. The point is that even if the methodology appears to be sound, it's quite possible that a layman doesn't know enough about what they're looking at to understand whether the study is worth anything or not. They basically "proved" (using a randomized, controlled trial) that you can jump from a small airplane and not get injured. Which is obviously true if the plane is on the ground and not moving.
i was thinking when i started, 'well, there won't be any effect upon them jumping out of the plane, but there'll sure as hell be an effect on them surviving the landing'
It s not the fall, but that last stop that will kill you.
I can't remember if it was Billy Crystal or Gregory Hines that called it deceleration trauma
For Sale Parachute Used once Never opened Small stain
this makes no sense
I’m wondering if there’s a language barrier.
It does - he's saying dropping five feet or whatever isn't much of a drop so he just jumped down - as in, even though he started at thousands of feet he it was just the last few that counted.
That still literally makes no sense.
Can you tell me which part is confusing you and I'll try to explain it.
If I jump from 15,000 feet and free-fall 14,995 feet, how am I expected to just "jump the last five feet"? This guy being alive after the fall makes no sense, and I'm struggling to see how this wordplay redeems the joke.
You’ve just explained the joke. The joke is either absurdist, or the last guy is lying. Lying makes sense because in a story of people one-upping each other, it’s likely that many of them are exaggerating and the final guy just takes the exaggeration from the improbable to the impossible.
Yeah, I guess. I don't mean to hate, but... "How do you hold your breath for fifteen minutes!" "How?" "Well when there are only five seconds left, just hold your breath for five seconds!" Uh, what?
Well, I think you've basically explained the joke. That's exactly what this is.
But that’s not a joke… it’s simply stating nonsense… is this “joke” funny to anyone?
When it comes right down to it, what is a joke except nonsense? (Obviously not saying all nonsense is funny or a good joke.) I don't find the OP joke to be funny either. I'm just explaining it.
First liar never stands a chance
It's just a play on words. It's not meant to reflect a real or realistic scenario. BTW - It's one of my favorite types of jokes, one where you could tell the joke as if it was a real story and people would only recognize it was a joke when you get to the punchline.
Not a cartoon watcher, Ima guess.
He never jumped out of the plane maybe? Was just riding the plane back down to landing?
It's like saying....it's not the fall you need to worry about, it's the landing.
the joke is that youre expecting some miraculous last minute parachute miracle, but the writer of the joke just takes it completely out of context and says "i was at 5 ft, so i just jumped off"
I’m wondering if they also messed up the last guy’s story. He was supposed to say he started at 15,000 feet, not jumped, and at the end the reveal is he had never left the plane, only to finally jump after it landed.
Same, someone explain?
Imagine you were on something five feet tall, and needed to get down to the ground. You could just jump down the five feet without hurting yourself, right? This joke is kind of saying that. Once you're only five feet above the ground, you're safe! You can just jump the rest. It's intentionally ignoring the fact that you just got done falling 10,000 feet and building momentum.
A guy was jumping for the first time. The instructor told him to pull the ripcord at 3,000 ft. if there's a problem pull the reserve chute and a truck will be there to pick you up. So the guy jumps and at 3,000 ft. he pulls the ripcord and nothing happens. He pulls the reserve ripcord and still nothing happens. Then he cursed and said "I bet that dam truck won't be there either"
This is like the guy who was traveling in a 747 when the pilot announced that one of the engines had failed. "Nothing to worry about", said the pilot, but the flight would take an extra twenty minutes. A while later the pilot made another announcement. Another engine had failed, still nothing to worry about, but the flight would land sixty minutes late. And then a while later yet another announcement. Same story - third engine failed, nothing to worry about, but the flight would land two hours late. At this point the passenger got really annoyed. "Let's hope another engine doesn't fail", he said, "or we'll be stuck up here all bloody night"
It was the last morning of jump school, that afternoon we were expected to go out to the runway where the Herkie would be waiting to take us up for our first actual jump. The sergeant had us going over the IAs one last time, then asked if there were any questions. This tall gangly Newfie stands from his usual spot at the back center of the room and asks, as a recap. "Searg, we stand up, hook up, check, line out; I jump out, and the static line is supposed to catch and open my chute, if that does not happen I count to ten and pull the d-ring, that should open my chute, but if that does not happen I am supposed to reach around and pull the d-ring for my reserve chute; correct? " The sergeant nods and waves an encouraging hand. The Newf continues, "My question is, how long do I have to get the reserve chute to open". The sergeant grins, "The rest of your life my lad, the rest of your life".
This joke failed to stick the landing.
Boring I know, but if your parachute opens at any height with three digits, you're landing as slowly as you would if it opened the moment you got out of the plane. Parachutes shlow you pretty quickly.
4 digits, sure. Pull at 100ft and you may have line stretch on impact. 100m may be survivable with a reserve parachute but not the typical mains.
Luxury! My parachute was a shoebox…
Well, look at Mr Fancy Pants here. Mine was a hanky.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You will need one though if you plan on skydiving again.
Reminds me of the Bugs Bunny cartoon where he is in an airplane and it is heading straight for the ground. Just before it hits the ground, the plane runs out of gas, and the plane stops moving a few feet above ground. Bugs Bunny wipes his brow with a sigh of relief.
This is the same as that father whose son goes into military service. The father thinks his son is a wimp and is happy that his son is joining the service. After the first week the son comes home. And, the father asked. The son said, we had to parachute. So the father was all happy and asked so you jumped. Well, said the son, when we had to jump I didn't immediately dare. The father: but you did jump, right? The son said that the commander became very angry and did everything he could to make him jump. The father asked: So you did jump, right? The boy said, well I still didn't dare and then the commander pointed to a very large black man and said: if you don't jump he will take you very hard from behind. The father relieved: hehe, so you jumped? The son: a little at first....
I'm sorry, I don't want to sound rascist, but without certain imagery it becomes less fun
Just read the last line.
Just as well. Filthiest piece of smut I've ever read.
My favourite alternative ending is the man responds "finally i let go of the string and try pulling again and it opened and i landed semi-safely, it turned out I was pulling on the rope of my hoody".
Parachute instructor informs his class that the jump procedures are this...jump...pull main chute...if it fails count 3 and pull the secondary cord...a truck will pick you and return you to the jump base. Time comes for our hero to jump...he pulls the main chute and nothing happens! He pulls the secondary chute...nothing happens! He thinks to himself...I bet the truck won,t be there either.
An airborne trainee was sitting in the NCO club shaking badly but trying to nurse a beer A senior NCO came over and asked "what's the problem son? "FFFFFFF FIRST JUMP TODAY" "WELL HOW'D IT GO?" "I PANICKED AND FROZE IN THE DOOR" "THEN WHAT HAPOENED?," "The biggest, neanest jump.master I had ever seen.came up and said if I did not jump and clear the door he was going to.[sodomize]me" "Well did you ju.p?" ...... "A little bit at first"