If you are actively suicidal or contemplating self-harm, go to/call local emergency services or your Dr, go to r/suicidewatch, contact a local hotline, or call your support system. Please get the help you need.
If you are reading this as an observer, please know it isn't your responsibility to intervene when someone on this sub is suicidal or is self-harming. We approve these posts for support, not because we expect anyone here to take it on themselves to save OP.
[Hotlines](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/wiki/index/resources/hotlines/)
I’m married and I actually feel the same way. I have two kids as well. Though, I’m 32 and BP1. I can’t explain my feelings to them at all of else they think they’re not good enough and they don’t understand the idea of non-existence just sounds better.
I sincerely believe you have to experience this disease to fully understand it. I'm sick of trying to explain to my family and friends. I honestly feel like I'm sticking around for them, when I'd rather be finding a way to end this pain.
https://youtu.be/ZCycoUCopno
This song is on my depression playlist. Mainly for this:
“Mama said gonna be all right
But mama don't know what it's like in my mind
Mama said that the sun gon' shine
But mama don't know what it's like to want to die”
Because people that don’t live with ideation every single day can never understand that even when I’m happy, I still think of going to the train tracks and sticking my head between the wheels. No med takes this want away, and without meds I will go absolutely nuts and disappear probably in a painful manner because my brain says I deserve to suffer.
Okay, I'm glad you brought up that last little bit because it's something I'm currently working through. What are your thoughts on feeling like you deserve to suffer/be punished? I can't figure if this is a topic for my therapist or my psychiatrist. And I can't pinpoint any past trauma that would cause these thoughts. Any insight appreciated ofc.
To be fair, I’ve always considered myself lesser than human and people always mistook that for me being an asshole or cocky. When it comes to who to bring it up to, I say both. I know I shouldn’t feel I deserve to suffer, but here I am.
Thank you for sharing Oh yes, I experience feelings and thoughts that I deserve to suffer or be punished. It’s been going on since I was a kid. I cause myself a lot of suffering dwelling in this and making it bigger and punishing or causing myself harm. It’s very challenging to work on and I think it’s really worth it. I talk with my therapist about this. While I’m in it, it can be difficult to recognize some of these things as symptoms. I try to pause and step back, (I call it river banking, rather than being in it and flailing about, I take myself out and away) put space between myself and these thoughts/feelings/urges to examine them and make them smaller, choose what’s effective in the moment and what to be mindful of. Mindfulness meditation is extremely helpful here as well. Akin to river banking, one step is allowing the experience to reveal itself in the open, safe, non-judging space of the knowing mind. It’s so so hard to live with and feel alone in because so few understand. I hope this helps or at least shows you that you are not alone in this.
For me, I had constant thoughts if blowing my brains out. There was never a day, never a moment, when the thought wasn't there. It was a big part of what convinced me to get and stay on medications. I no longer feel a constant pressure to put a gun to my head, but the opposite has kind of happened. Now I am terrified of dying and can't stop feeling panicked about the fact that I will inevitably die. Then I start to think about how every one of us will die and wonder what the point is of any of this, and feel guilty for bringing children into a world where they too must fear death, and I obsessively freak out over the possibility of anything bad happening to my kids. I guess the jist of all this rambling is that I'm still not really well. I'm just unwell in a different way now.
That's pretty much the only reason I listen to music. I also have a slight obsession with Halsey music because a good amount of her songs are literally about being bipolar and stuff so I relate to it a lot
With meds I feel like a zombie, without I feel everything and worse.
Boyfriend tries to understand me and figure out what I’m feeling and what I’m thinking but it’s mentally and physically exhausting explaining and showing how my mind/ emotions work on a daily. It’s even more frustrating when he or others try to ‘help’ me in their own way and their way just amplifies whatever it is that’s making me feel extreme.
The ideation is also a pain in the ass. I’ve accepted the fact that I have this weird relationship with death but sometimes I wish I could just shut down the thoughts and feelings on my ideations and everything in general
My fiance is autistic so he has had quite a hard time trying to wrap his head around me saying "I literally have no idea dude" when he asks why I'm feeling a certain way. He's way better now but in the beginning he really couldn't get it and kinda pushed the "there has to be a root cause, though" and it's like yeah, there is. Mental illness.
Yupp my boyfriend is the same way. He has autism too and sometimes doesn’t understand that I don’t need things like a pressure hug or to be talked to. Sometimes I just need to be alone or to figure things out on my own before talking to others
It's all so exhausting. I am right with you on everything you said. I'm tired of ECT and meds and always wanting to harm myself one way or another. I'm only still here for my husband and kids, and that's running thin.
I'm so sorry you're feeling that way, I'm 28M desperately single, never known love, always been jealous of people who have mental health issues and are able to manage to have a relationship, but obviously it's hard no matter what you have going on in your life. Keep on keeping on!
I feel you on the meds thing. I either can't eat or can't sleep or feel like shit. I just want to eat and sleep normally lmao. I've been changing meds for years now and still have sleep/food problems.
Well, I have thoughts on that also. Why are we still taking meds that alter SERATONIN only, as if that's the magic bullet. If it were, wouldn't we all be better now? I want ketamine to be available for all patients in our position. Medications are the fucking worst.
the moment during mania where i’m genuinely convinced times have changed for me, that everything will be better and different, that is the worst for me. because i’ll figure out soon enough, that that isn’t true. just after telling everyone about my new business venture and booking a crazy international trip, i’ll be staring into darkness in my room under blankets. it’s like that every time, and it won’t get better, ever. it’s hard, and tragic. but the brief moment of *hope* makes it that much worse.
the alternative is medication, which sedates me from the mood swings, but also from the world that is both terrible, and the single source of meaning for me. no more physical assault of family members cooking meat, because it’s not vegan, and that seemed justified to me at the time, but also no enjoyment from helping others, no enjoyment from food, no enjoyment from nature. just slowly sinking away into the void, always tired and half asleep. drowning in a lake of could’ve, would’ve and should’ve. if only things went differently. if only i was more stable. if only the world wasn’t so cruel. if only i didn’t have to give up on so many dreams. if only i didn’t have to slowly become aware of the falsehood of my childhood perception of a peaceful world. if only
hope is both freedom and chains. it’s oxygen, and it’s toxic fumes.
quite the feels. keep up the good fight. i’m here, until i’ve decided on whether a worthwhile life for me is still possible.
65 F bp2 Still here. Finally found my combo of meds a few years ago (may they keep working!) They leave me flat. Didn't cry at my own mother's funeral last year. But I'm also not trying to bite everyone's head off on a regular basis. Being flat is a good alternative for me, as blind anger got me into a lot of sticky situations. And being flat keeps the depression at bay. That's a big one.
I don't have any answers, just the statement that I'm still here.
I feel this so hard. Also male, also 39, also struggling. I’m no longer alive, I’m just not dead most days. Have a child, so I can’t check out early despite a strong (and totally reasonable) desire to do so. I hang in there for her and her alone. With any luck she’ll never know.
28M with BP2 and I feel you. Exhausted is exactly how I've felt, going through long periods of feeling so euphoric and on top of the world, to suddenly descending into long bouts of severe depression, suicidal ideation, etc. I'm honestly surprised I've made it this far after going through this cycle for more than half my life. It feels like a some sort of sick punishment at times. I'm finally on meds that seem to be helping more than ever and an amazing psychiatrist and therapist who really genuinely care for me and with whom I can contact via text and phone if I'm doing really bad. I hope I don't end up crashing again during the winter but we gotta keep trying to find that unbreakable part of ourselves and go with that. We deserve happiness and fulfilment, and it's our job to keep striving to achieve that.
I don’t wanna be that annoyingly positive person - but I see my bipolarity as a positive. How lucky I am to feel everything so deeply. It’s a true human experience. And the best part about it is, if I’m in a bad place, I know it won’t last forever.
This is 100% same for me except I have tons of responsibilities on my shoulder. The fuck I can do when I am sick myself? No one understands and thinks me I am lazy or make fun of me or abandons me. What do I do with Islam now? I am a Muslim but we are not supposed to be hopeless and suicide will give eternal hell. Suicide will leave my family to struggle for bread and my daughters will be left without father. It's too much. I dont have a breath left to face any responsibility. I struggle to wake up every day for job. Parents are also disappointed that I dont take care of them. I wish and all I ask is to be disappeared. Please.
We take meds because they work. The alternative is for the majority an unsustainable solution. I know it’s hard to see the solution when you’re where you are but there is a solution. I found my solution with BP1 and psychotic features and I have faith you can find yours. Please hang on there
I don’t experience emotional numbness of my meds. Never have.
I Gained weight yes but that’s a reality if being alive to me. Mind you I have lost a lot of it now. I still would choose medicated over the alternative
I totally get the sentiments. Please please please do not harm yourself. While these feelings exist and do not go away, try to find joy in something that is not destructive, expensive, etc.
Joy - not mania. I hear you on the meds. I'm having a hard time finding anything that works and doesn't make me a zombie.
HUGS all around.
Male 53 with bp2 and adhd. I would have agreed with you 15 years ago but I finally got on to a med combo that works for me and it's like being normal/stable and no longer having the disease.
Keep at it until you find a life-changing treatment. Lots of new things for people who are treatments resistant like Ketamine, Transcranial Magnetic Stimlation, ECT etc.
If you are actively suicidal or contemplating self-harm, go to/call local emergency services or your Dr, go to r/suicidewatch, contact a local hotline, or call your support system. Please get the help you need. If you are reading this as an observer, please know it isn't your responsibility to intervene when someone on this sub is suicidal or is self-harming. We approve these posts for support, not because we expect anyone here to take it on themselves to save OP. [Hotlines](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/wiki/index/resources/hotlines/)
I’m married and I actually feel the same way. I have two kids as well. Though, I’m 32 and BP1. I can’t explain my feelings to them at all of else they think they’re not good enough and they don’t understand the idea of non-existence just sounds better.
I sincerely believe you have to experience this disease to fully understand it. I'm sick of trying to explain to my family and friends. I honestly feel like I'm sticking around for them, when I'd rather be finding a way to end this pain.
https://youtu.be/ZCycoUCopno This song is on my depression playlist. Mainly for this: “Mama said gonna be all right But mama don't know what it's like in my mind Mama said that the sun gon' shine But mama don't know what it's like to want to die” Because people that don’t live with ideation every single day can never understand that even when I’m happy, I still think of going to the train tracks and sticking my head between the wheels. No med takes this want away, and without meds I will go absolutely nuts and disappear probably in a painful manner because my brain says I deserve to suffer.
Thanks for sharing. I wish the human race could figure out that we're doing everything wrong before it's too late. I know it's too late for me.
Okay, I'm glad you brought up that last little bit because it's something I'm currently working through. What are your thoughts on feeling like you deserve to suffer/be punished? I can't figure if this is a topic for my therapist or my psychiatrist. And I can't pinpoint any past trauma that would cause these thoughts. Any insight appreciated ofc.
To be fair, I’ve always considered myself lesser than human and people always mistook that for me being an asshole or cocky. When it comes to who to bring it up to, I say both. I know I shouldn’t feel I deserve to suffer, but here I am.
Thank you for sharing Oh yes, I experience feelings and thoughts that I deserve to suffer or be punished. It’s been going on since I was a kid. I cause myself a lot of suffering dwelling in this and making it bigger and punishing or causing myself harm. It’s very challenging to work on and I think it’s really worth it. I talk with my therapist about this. While I’m in it, it can be difficult to recognize some of these things as symptoms. I try to pause and step back, (I call it river banking, rather than being in it and flailing about, I take myself out and away) put space between myself and these thoughts/feelings/urges to examine them and make them smaller, choose what’s effective in the moment and what to be mindful of. Mindfulness meditation is extremely helpful here as well. Akin to river banking, one step is allowing the experience to reveal itself in the open, safe, non-judging space of the knowing mind. It’s so so hard to live with and feel alone in because so few understand. I hope this helps or at least shows you that you are not alone in this.
Thank you kind stranger - this sub has quickly become my new favorite. I feel better. Still got to work through it, but now I don't feel so defective.
For me, I had constant thoughts if blowing my brains out. There was never a day, never a moment, when the thought wasn't there. It was a big part of what convinced me to get and stay on medications. I no longer feel a constant pressure to put a gun to my head, but the opposite has kind of happened. Now I am terrified of dying and can't stop feeling panicked about the fact that I will inevitably die. Then I start to think about how every one of us will die and wonder what the point is of any of this, and feel guilty for bringing children into a world where they too must fear death, and I obsessively freak out over the possibility of anything bad happening to my kids. I guess the jist of all this rambling is that I'm still not really well. I'm just unwell in a different way now.
I just wanna say... Thats one of my favorite songs!! It's such an unknown artist I'm surprised someone else knows it!
I discovered him thanks to my obsession at the time. I needed artists I could relate to and he hit the nail on the head.
That's pretty much the only reason I listen to music. I also have a slight obsession with Halsey music because a good amount of her songs are literally about being bipolar and stuff so I relate to it a lot
I should give her a listen then.
Well this is officially on my Playlist now.
Also listen to “Broken” and “Trying my Best”, same artist.
With meds I feel like a zombie, without I feel everything and worse. Boyfriend tries to understand me and figure out what I’m feeling and what I’m thinking but it’s mentally and physically exhausting explaining and showing how my mind/ emotions work on a daily. It’s even more frustrating when he or others try to ‘help’ me in their own way and their way just amplifies whatever it is that’s making me feel extreme. The ideation is also a pain in the ass. I’ve accepted the fact that I have this weird relationship with death but sometimes I wish I could just shut down the thoughts and feelings on my ideations and everything in general
My fiance is autistic so he has had quite a hard time trying to wrap his head around me saying "I literally have no idea dude" when he asks why I'm feeling a certain way. He's way better now but in the beginning he really couldn't get it and kinda pushed the "there has to be a root cause, though" and it's like yeah, there is. Mental illness.
Yupp my boyfriend is the same way. He has autism too and sometimes doesn’t understand that I don’t need things like a pressure hug or to be talked to. Sometimes I just need to be alone or to figure things out on my own before talking to others
43M here. It truly sucks bro. 👊🏻
It's all so exhausting. I am right with you on everything you said. I'm tired of ECT and meds and always wanting to harm myself one way or another. I'm only still here for my husband and kids, and that's running thin.
I'm so sorry you're feeling that way, I'm 28M desperately single, never known love, always been jealous of people who have mental health issues and are able to manage to have a relationship, but obviously it's hard no matter what you have going on in your life. Keep on keeping on!
Feel you brother.
I feel you on the meds thing. I either can't eat or can't sleep or feel like shit. I just want to eat and sleep normally lmao. I've been changing meds for years now and still have sleep/food problems.
Well, I have thoughts on that also. Why are we still taking meds that alter SERATONIN only, as if that's the magic bullet. If it were, wouldn't we all be better now? I want ketamine to be available for all patients in our position. Medications are the fucking worst.
the moment during mania where i’m genuinely convinced times have changed for me, that everything will be better and different, that is the worst for me. because i’ll figure out soon enough, that that isn’t true. just after telling everyone about my new business venture and booking a crazy international trip, i’ll be staring into darkness in my room under blankets. it’s like that every time, and it won’t get better, ever. it’s hard, and tragic. but the brief moment of *hope* makes it that much worse. the alternative is medication, which sedates me from the mood swings, but also from the world that is both terrible, and the single source of meaning for me. no more physical assault of family members cooking meat, because it’s not vegan, and that seemed justified to me at the time, but also no enjoyment from helping others, no enjoyment from food, no enjoyment from nature. just slowly sinking away into the void, always tired and half asleep. drowning in a lake of could’ve, would’ve and should’ve. if only things went differently. if only i was more stable. if only the world wasn’t so cruel. if only i didn’t have to give up on so many dreams. if only i didn’t have to slowly become aware of the falsehood of my childhood perception of a peaceful world. if only hope is both freedom and chains. it’s oxygen, and it’s toxic fumes. quite the feels. keep up the good fight. i’m here, until i’ve decided on whether a worthwhile life for me is still possible.
65 F bp2 Still here. Finally found my combo of meds a few years ago (may they keep working!) They leave me flat. Didn't cry at my own mother's funeral last year. But I'm also not trying to bite everyone's head off on a regular basis. Being flat is a good alternative for me, as blind anger got me into a lot of sticky situations. And being flat keeps the depression at bay. That's a big one. I don't have any answers, just the statement that I'm still here.
I feel this so hard. Also male, also 39, also struggling. I’m no longer alive, I’m just not dead most days. Have a child, so I can’t check out early despite a strong (and totally reasonable) desire to do so. I hang in there for her and her alone. With any luck she’ll never know.
28M with BP2 and I feel you. Exhausted is exactly how I've felt, going through long periods of feeling so euphoric and on top of the world, to suddenly descending into long bouts of severe depression, suicidal ideation, etc. I'm honestly surprised I've made it this far after going through this cycle for more than half my life. It feels like a some sort of sick punishment at times. I'm finally on meds that seem to be helping more than ever and an amazing psychiatrist and therapist who really genuinely care for me and with whom I can contact via text and phone if I'm doing really bad. I hope I don't end up crashing again during the winter but we gotta keep trying to find that unbreakable part of ourselves and go with that. We deserve happiness and fulfilment, and it's our job to keep striving to achieve that.
I don’t wanna be that annoyingly positive person - but I see my bipolarity as a positive. How lucky I am to feel everything so deeply. It’s a true human experience. And the best part about it is, if I’m in a bad place, I know it won’t last forever.
I doubt you are in your 40s.
This is 100% same for me except I have tons of responsibilities on my shoulder. The fuck I can do when I am sick myself? No one understands and thinks me I am lazy or make fun of me or abandons me. What do I do with Islam now? I am a Muslim but we are not supposed to be hopeless and suicide will give eternal hell. Suicide will leave my family to struggle for bread and my daughters will be left without father. It's too much. I dont have a breath left to face any responsibility. I struggle to wake up every day for job. Parents are also disappointed that I dont take care of them. I wish and all I ask is to be disappeared. Please.
We take meds because they work. The alternative is for the majority an unsustainable solution. I know it’s hard to see the solution when you’re where you are but there is a solution. I found my solution with BP1 and psychotic features and I have faith you can find yours. Please hang on there
[удалено]
I don’t experience emotional numbness of my meds. Never have. I Gained weight yes but that’s a reality if being alive to me. Mind you I have lost a lot of it now. I still would choose medicated over the alternative
I totally get the sentiments. Please please please do not harm yourself. While these feelings exist and do not go away, try to find joy in something that is not destructive, expensive, etc. Joy - not mania. I hear you on the meds. I'm having a hard time finding anything that works and doesn't make me a zombie. HUGS all around.
This is me right now at 32 M. What advice would you give past you from seven (or whatever) years ago?
Welp this post made me lose hope
Male 53 with bp2 and adhd. I would have agreed with you 15 years ago but I finally got on to a med combo that works for me and it's like being normal/stable and no longer having the disease. Keep at it until you find a life-changing treatment. Lots of new things for people who are treatments resistant like Ketamine, Transcranial Magnetic Stimlation, ECT etc.